If die, only in Manhattan
by niewypowiedziane
Summary: A few months after coming back from Afghanistan, Tony finds out that he has cancer. Faced with that and other problems, what does he do? He hides behind Iron Man's mask and disappears from the world. For some time, the world almost forgets. The Avengers never get to meet Tony Stark, but someone is too curious for their own good. (sick!Tony, secret identity AU)
1. Age of darkness

This is a (sick!Tony secret identity AU) series of stories called _If die, only in Manhattan_. I will post them as a single for the convenience of my dear readers :)

**Summary**** of the series: **Tony Stark, genius billionaire playboy philanthropist alcoholic. Iron Man, Avenger. Nate Rives, mute self-taught computer genius consultant for S.H.I.E.L.D. Everything is a puzzle.

* * *

**Age of darkness**

Malibu doesn't feel like home anymore.

Tony has never been a sentimental man, not the kind to sigh and use big words while talking about sweet lost years of his childhood; on the contrary, he's been the one to embrace change and newness and excitement and to always want to be somewhere else. At least all that is still a thing, even if the weights have shifted.

Malibu feels alien even after two months; Tony can't get used to the constant murmur of the sea down the cliff, the rock vibrating under the mansion's foundations. The light and the space surprise him every morning when he wakes up, as long as it isn't with the nightmares in front of his eyes. Tony finds himself, more often than he'd like to admit, wandering through the vast echoing rooms, running his fingers through the surfaces, enjoying the almost-silence, staring into space. He doesn't let anyone see him like that, besides JARVIS, but the A.I. is a completely different case. Pepper and Happy and Obie come and go, talk and stays silent; there is a certain calmness to it, a certain routine that Tony has been missing and can't seem to figure out anew.

The cave – the cave was a routine, too. But under extreme circumstances, the reality gets distorted and humans get distorted to match it, like in a war books. Tony would like to pretend it's not the case but he's been done with lying to himself before he was even a full-blown teenager; even if being honest to yourself is painful it's better than living an illusion. He is a smart man – even if he _is_ an asshole lots of times – and he knows putting things together takes much more time and effort than tearing them apart.

So that's what he does: wake up, eat, work on Mark II, space out, work some more, drink chlorophyll, eat, space out again, try to sleep, fail, go listen to the ocean and pretend he is not hearing the wind howling over the desert, go to sleep, dream nightmares. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

The only changes are Pepper's comings and goings, an occasional delivery of food or tools or raw materials, and Obie's too loud phone calls.

And, when Tony wakes up too early but knows he won't be able to go back to sleep, he goes out and runs along the shore – barefoot on the sand, until his feet hurt.

The patching-up is going… decently. Unless when he manages to dismiss food what always ends up in and argument with Pepper; when she comes and sees he has hardly eaten anything out of the fridge; she calls him irresponsible and silly and asks if he is all right. Tony smiles sheepishly, nods and says _yes, yes_ until she goes away. The concern is sweet, but – he's been eating rice an strange stews for so long, not always fresh, not always entirely _edible_, so it's only logical that his stomach is a mess.

It will come with time, Tony tells himself. He doesn't really _feel_ hungry. He might lose some weight and it's not such a big concern; it's not like he is going to die.

The days continue the same way as August and September roll by. Tony still doesn't leave the house much, besides re-discovering the land that he owns around it. Given the news reports and speculations, he doesn't feel like meeting any curious people from the outside at all.

He is just tired – so often. Sometimes it's difficult to hold something heavier for longer than a few minutes and that's _not_ normal. Tony figures he's been slacking off, rather true, and starts working out in the gym every morning, adding the new activity to his routine. It turns out his body is weaker than he thought, after the time in Afghanistan – and especially the special treatment he's been giving himself because of the arc reactor. It still hurts when he moves too fast or in an incorrect way, but it's incomparably better than it was even just after he was collected from the desert.

The constant feeling of being tired is exhausting itself and incredibly frustrating. Tony knows that his work would go much faster if he could concentrate more easily and stay up longer doing his job, but his body just shuts off after a certain period of time. It's – fine, at the beginning, completely understandable, but after two or three months it means something is wrong. The most obvious answer is _depression_. Tony knows so many of the symptoms match and he's has some_ episodes_ when he was a teen, like his family liked to put it. A logical assumption – only that there are some pieces of puzzle that don't fit.

Tony doesn't have enough time to focus on the matter completely, either, as he is permanently behind the schedule these days with his work on Iron Man. He smiles to Pepper though and tries to eat more – that's mostly futile – and ignores the fact that the palladium is slowly, slowly, slowly creeping in his blood. It doesn't match the symptoms either and there is nothing to be done.

* * *

It's in mid-October when JARVIS gives him a new clue.

'Sir, while I've been taking your vitals this morning, I noted that your body temperature is above your average. In fact, it has been on the high end of normal recently, but today it is 99,5 degrees. Perhaps you should consult a doctor.'

'Perhaps,' Tony murmurs, but ignores the A.I.'s advice.

The story repeats for ten days before Tony finally gives in and calls one of his doctors, asking him for an appointment; Doctor Eisen has been one of the few people Tony saw before closing himself in the mansion, figuring that _someone_ should know about his current physical state and possible needs – just in case. They have known each other for almost twenty hears.

Doc comes the next morning; there is a long talk before he even proceeds to examination.

'I will draw blood and I should have all the results ready by tomorrow,' Doc says before he leaves. There is no conclusion as to _whys_. The symptom – if they are, in fact, symptoms – are not specific enough to give an answer.

Tony resumes working when the man is gone and when he is too tired to continue, even with all the caffeine he's been consuming, he spends rest of the evening outside, staring at the sea, trying _not_ to remember a lot of things that come to his minds and sipping a chilled chai; he usually has it burning hot but he blames the fever for this.

* * *

'There are some abnormalities in your blood results,' Doc tells him the next day on the phone. 'Bilirubin is pretty high. I'd like to do some liver tests – can you get here or do you want me to come over?'

Tony smiles at Doc's question. It's nice to have at least this one person that doesn't judge him. Sure, Pepper and Happy seem accepting Tony's new reclusion, but they are not really, they are wondering what it wrong with him _all _the time. Not to mention Obie or Rhodey. Doc is casual about mental comfort and it puts Tony at ease.

'I'd rather you came over,' Tony replies truthfully. Even if it were a problem, he could just pay the man a lot for the trouble.

'Been drinking?' Doc jokes; Tony just told him yesterday that he hasn't been drinking nearly as much as he's wanted recently. Acting responsible – he's still trying to persuade Pepper that when he said _trust me, I know what I am doing_, he really knew.

Tony laughs in response and says goodbye. It doesn't feel long before he says hello and goodbye again; time seems to be strange these days. Inconsistent.

* * *

'Your liver tests are not really okay, Tony,' Doc tells him. It's the last day of October, unusually warm, and Tony takes the call when he is trying to force himself to eat a lunch of reheated lemon risotto that he normally likes a lot, but it just seems to _stare_ at him from the plate. 'I need to see you here and perform some test. Are you up for that?'

'Sure,' Tony says around a bit of the risotto. His voice might be casual, he can pull that off _always_, but – it's no good news. 'I'll clean up and be there at…'

'Five. I've got patients till four and knowing them, it will take longer.'

'Thanks, Doc,' Tony replies genuinely. The clinic actually does appointments till four, but Tony knows that whatever Doc says is the law; he's that one brilliant authoritative charming man.

He has no idea what to think about this situation – what to expect. Not enough data, JARVIS would say.

Tony takes a quick lukewarm shower, trims the goatee and tries to arrange his hair, but it's too long and it's just a Harry Potter-style mess, so he gives up after a few moments. Staring at the mirror for a longer period of time doesn't make him anyhow happier; he really does look like shit. And the clothes are laughably unfitting, besides that one suit Pepper had prepared for him and sent to Afghanistan, the one he wore for he memorable press conference. It's probably two sizes smaller than the rest and it's still kind of loose.

'I haven't realized,' Tony murmurs to himself as he puts on a watch and grabs his wallet; better not to be caught without a driving license, he's has fair share of that kind of media frenzy in his life and Pepper would have his head.

Also, it would mean talking to people and Tony still isn't sure he feels completely comfortable with that. As in, strangers are still a thing he's prefer to avoid, mostly.

* * *

'Have you been experiencing any kind of abdominal pain?' Doc asks Tony when he is undressing himself to underwear.

'… no.' Tony tells the man after a short pause. 'No, can't tell I have. That's good, right?'

'It usually is.'

'Now, you've got some high numbers on a few test, Tony. It can be a variety of problems with your liver, gallbladder or bile duct… Let me examine your abdomen – lay on your back and relax, okay?' Doc orders Tony, finishing to write something down and moving to put on latex gloves. Tony does lay down, but he is feeling _exposed_.

It's a new feeling. He has always been okay with his physicality and didn't have much shame, so his half-naked photos ended up in papers and in the internet quite often, but the presence of arc reactor makes it worse. It's an obvious weakness, an obvious spot that just asks to be attacked and then – a few hours of agony before he dies. That's not something that makes him feel safe at all.

'Sorry, Tony,' Doc says as soon as he turns around. He _always_ knows when Tony is distressed. 'I'd let you stay in a tank, but I need to see your body – you've lost too much weight, by the way.'

'You tell me,' Tony murmurs, almost flinching at Doc's cold gloved hands touching his abdomen. It's definitely not a comfortable feeling when the man presses various areas; it feels as if he were kneading Tony's body and the vision only makes him want to laugh and he really shouldn't right now. There is no pain, just the hardly nice feeling, but Doc's face is serious and unchanged what probably means something is wrong.

'Something here,' Doc explains, pressing his fingers to one spot near ribs. 'It doesn't feel completely normal. A slightest change… I can't explain it well to you, doesn't matter. I can't be sure it's actually an issue, but we'd better have it checked out.'

Tony nods in agreement, what else can he do? He was only hoping that he's stay away from doctors and medicine in general since being _stared at_ so much after Afghanistan, all eyes trained on his chest, making him want to scream and run.

'I want a CT to be sure – since you can't have an MRI – but it needs to be done within our normal working yours, Tony. It's Sunday tomorrow, so maybe you could come by on Monday? Anytime you want.'

Tony blinks and doesn't reply for a moment, surprised by the fact that it is Saturday. He's been sure it's Friday. One day must have got lost in between all the perfectly similar ones; no surprise that it can happen so easily.

'Yeah. Monday. I – I don't have any plans for Monday, besides the usual,' he finally replies with a sigh. 'I'll be here in the morning? Early? Since I've been waking up early anyway. At eight, I know you start at eight.'

'As you wish, Tony. You're the one who gives us money here,' Doc jokes and gestures at Tony to dress himself. 'You look tired. Not sleeping good?'

'Nah, just the usual…'

'So, not good,' Doc concludes, sitting by the desk to write something in Tony's file. 'But I won't bug you if you don't want to talk. Well, at least not know.'

'Thank thee for thy mercy,' Tony replies with a smirk, finishing to button up his shirt. 'So, no guesses what is wrong with me this time?'

'You know I won't give you _guesses_ because you will have JARVIS read you all the medical information all night and it's not going to do you any good. Go home, get rest, for heaven's sake eat something. Eat a lot. Just _not_ before the CT, but you know that. Right?'

'Right, Doc.'

'You're dismissed,' Doc waves at him, not moving away from the desk.

'Sorry you had to stay here for me on Saturday evening.'

'No problem, Tony. You know I don't have many exciting things to do anyway.'

'Whatever you say,' Tony replies and disappears into the hall.

* * *

On Sunday he finally finishes the helmet for Mark II and therefore the whole suit is ready. He only has to tune the powering system and figure out flying with repulsors, finish assembling the armor and actually use it. Piece of cake.

The next morning he wakes up at four from a marvelous flashback and orders JARVIS to play him some loud, really loud music; it doesn't help much with the voices he's still hearing in his head.

He's gets to the clinic seven minutes to eight and stays in the car until the electronic clock's numbers turns to eight hundred.

CT is the same way it always it, too loud and annoying and he almost falls asleep – thanks to the white noise – and when it's done, Doc makes him sit in his office and eat a breakfast; an all-organic sandwich, as befits a middle aged California man. Doc disappears to look at the scans and comes back maybe twenty minutes later with another man.

'Doctor Lee,' he introduces. 'Tony Stark, of course.. I asked Doctor Lee for a consultation,' Doc starts and Tony freezes. That definitely means something is bad, and more likely bad bad and not just imperfect. 'There is some… mass around your bile duct and liver. I don't want to say anything more until we are sure what it is – I'd like to perform an ERCP, endoscopic retrograde cholangio-pancreatography, but it might be painful to get the endoscope down in your case' he says, eying the now-invisible reactor. 'We will need a PTC – percutaneous transhepatic cholangiography – injecting a dye to the liver and then x-ray. ERCP is similar, just gets the dye through your esophagus, but I don't want to risk it… You will need to stay in for at least a day afterwards though, Tony.'

From the explanation it doesn't sound _particularly_ _nice_, but whatever is necessary, Tony figures. Actually, it sounds awful and he's kind of terrified, though it's not an easy thing to admit. And he really doesn't want anyone to worry; he knows that Pepper will be so upset. And everyone else – there is hardly anyone else, truly – is far away.

'You need to be at least eight hours after your last meal and you'd have to get some of your things for the overnight stay, so – tomorrow? I would like tomorrow. And in the meantime you need to eat,' he adds, eying the half-eaten sandwich. 'Get some meat on those bones.'

'Gee, you're so charming,' Tony teases, making Doc grin. The other doctor doesn't seem too friendly, but apparently he is necessary; maybe he just has this sad face permanently.

'Can you have someone come over with you?' Doc asks. Tony just stares. Lee frowns at the silent interaction, of course he does: no one would expect Tony Stark to be so alone. Even if it's by choice to some extent.

They talk for a few minutes before Tony is let out; he puts on a hat and sunglasses and drives to his favorite burger joint just out of the LA. Eating the thing is not as pleasant as he'd like since he has _no_ appetite.

He tells Pepper he is going to visit one of his friends – female friends – in LA. She doesn't seem too surprised, is if she's been waiting for him to go back to being his old self. After the call, he has JARVIS play some blaring music as he packs his bag, putting some items that seem remotely useful. The workshop is locked down with no override password, it would be the worst thing _ever_ if someone learned what he is doing down there and maybe took it the wrong way.

* * *

After admission and leaving things in a one-person room, Tony is given antibiotics and led by the doctors; the procedure takes place in an OR equipped with an x-ray machine. It all feels – surreal, and gets even more strange as Tony is given a mild sedative that makes him lightheaded and giddy, but seeing Doc's funny hair sticking out from under the green cap makes it better. At least it makes him less anxious.

Lee numbs an area on the right side of Tony's abdomen with a local anesthetic injection. They don't let Tony look as the long needle enters his body; it's a strange sensation because he can't feel any pain, but he can tell that something in wrong there.

The whole procedure takes a bit less than one hour and afterwards Tony is forced into a wheelchair and transported to his room. It's going to take a few days to get the results. At least three, Tony knows perfectly well.

After another dose of antibiotics he is left alone and just falls asleep. He is woken up for food, Doc comes to talk, too, and stays for a few hours after he's finished work.

It all still feels unreal, more than the previous – what, five months? It's over five months since Tony came back to walk on the American land and it really doesn't feel like much more than a week, maybe. Days melt into one and the only way to recognize the passage of time is remembering that Mark II is very close to being ready now.

The next morning Tony comes back to the mansion, lies a bit to Pepper and Rhodey on the phone and makes the Mark II completely ready by working on it for twenty eight hours without a break other than for food and coffee, like a responsible person he is. It's much easier to sleep well when he is exhausted like that, no nightmares, at least almost never.

* * *

Doc calls and tells him to come on Friday as he will have the results by that time. Tony agrees and spends the hours in the meantime by trying to _start_ to _learn_ to _fly_ what results in bruises, mostly, his chest hurting around the arc reactor, a split lip and a complete satisfaction when he figures out the way to stay stable in the air, even if he still needs much more practice to actually fly without almost killing himself.

He brings Doc a huge box of the man's favorite Belgian chocolates, shipped from Europe just the day before. Doc takes them gratefully; at least he is one of those people who know that it's actually a pleasure for Tony to be generous and give away his money to make other people happier. The nice trait, it just gets… buried under the great number of bad decisions.

'When I drew your blood, I took some more than necessary for the tests I've performed,' Doc starts when Tony enters his office. Doctor Lee is nowhere to be seen. 'I wanted to make some other tests, just in case – you know, the perks of your completely unlimited health insurance coverage. We also took a bit of the tissue during the PTC. That's s standard procedure I am sure you were aware of.'

'Yeah, sure. And?' Tony prompts, nodding and putting his hands on Doc's giant desk, chin cupped between his hands. It stops his hands from shaking and makes him feel more… composed. Self-aware, in a strange way. _This is not going to end well_.

'It's that – me and doctor Lee, we checked the…' Doc stumbles and now Tony is just totally assured that something is _very_ wrong.

'Out with it, baby. Shoot,' he tells the man with a fake smile and leans back.

'Tony,' Doc says and his voice is different, deeper, his speech slower. More audible space between vowels and nasals. 'It's cholangiocarcinoma. Bile duct cancer – I did the tumor markers check from blood and biopsy, um, it's a rare one, you're so lucky we caught it rather early, and the treatment…' Doc continues, but Tony doesn't really hear the man's words, there is just buzzing in his ears and he tries to breathe deeper –

_Oh_.

Well, he's been dying once and it hasn't been more than half a year ago, so nothing new –

_Fuck. _Why – it's just – he – it _shouldn't_ –

'Tony!' Doc's voice cuts through the noise and a pair of hands is wrapped around his arms. 'Breathe, boy. Calm. Down. Copy me,' Doc adds, placing one of Tony's hands on his chest; it takes a few long moments but Tony manages to synchronize his breathing with Doc's and it makes the buzzing and the lights in front of his eyes go away.

A perfect medial example of hyperventilation, _congratulations_.

'Calm down, boy,' Doc repeats, squeezing Tony's arms. It helps a bit. Tony shakes his head and looks up slowly, only to meet Doc's hazel eyes; then he looks around and the room looks just normally. It seems _inappropriate_. 'I've got you, okay? I've got you. It's an early stage, barely 2A, most people don't get diagnosed until 3 and it's usually too late – but I will tell you everything later. Okay? You with me?'

Tony nods in agreement, again staring at the man's face – or at something behind, a children's deception.

So, he's been dying and it's time to die some more now. It doesn't feel like he had a break in between at all. Calmed down a bit, he just feels… disappointed.

'I know it's a shock,' Doc says, still standing in front of Tony. 'Especially in your situation, you've just come back – but we _will _do everything we can. _Everything. _You will need a surgery and some follow-up treatment and I swear I will find the best people 'cause seriously, you are too precious to this world to just die now.'

Tony has to smirk at that; it's typical Doc, saying things like that. He has to admit, too, that it's the kind of thing that he always likes to hear and there aren't many to offer such a genuine and straightforward words.

'You need to tell someone,' Doc tells Tony, still unmoving. _That bastard, knows me too well_, Tony snickers at the mental comment. He probably shouldn't, it's neither time nor place but he can't stop himself.

Obie would be sad because of practical reasons; it's what he is and Tony's been aware of that for years. Not that it makes things easier.

Rhodey would be terrified, lost and sweetly supportive, but he couldn't be here.

Pepper would be panicking and exaggerating and Tony doesn't want to burden anyone – especially her – with such information.

But he knows that Doc won't be satisfied with _well_ and _I'll think later_ because he knows Tony too well to believe those perfectly acted lies. So there is only one answer.

'I'll tell Happy,' Tony decides suddenly, his throat tight as he speaks. 'He's the closest thing I have to family, besides Pepper. He's always there, even if invisible,' he adds, more to himself than to anyone else.

'And how are you going to keep Pepper from knowing? I mean, she could be inquisitive… Because I take it you don't want?...'

Tony smirks.

'She's been pretty distracted with taking care of my messy affairs, doing a great job. And I've had this one idea since I came back – maybe you will see. Can't give out all my secrets so easily.'

'You never tell me anything,' Doc whines, continuing the game.

'Sorry, man. You know me…'

'Yeah,' Doc sighs and then moves away, finally letting go of Tony's shoulders. 'Can we talk now? Do you think you can take it or do you need some more time? There are treatments and all the jazz, Tony, and –'

'Let's do it now,' he replies, making a face. 'The sooner the better, huh?'

'I will just call Doctor Lee – he is an oncologist.'

_So that's why he has this sad face,_ Tony comments silently to himself.

When they finish talking, he isn't sure he remembers 10% of all the information and it's _not_ a normal state because he usually misses no more than 5% of the information he's given. He knows Doc will tell him again everything he might need later, anyway.

Tony is in the happy very exclusive group of people who find out about that particular cancer before it's too late; thank heavens for JARVIS because Tony would just miss – and then dismiss – the symptoms, of course he would.

* * *

Happy takes it with stoic calmness and Tony is sure for a few moments that he's in love with the man. Happy swears not to reveal any information unless explicitly allowed. It's not even close to the best stunt Tony's wanted to hide, but it still feels cruel to ask someone to share such a secret.

The surgery is to take place at the end of the next week, truly _the sooner the better_; it's an early stage two so it's just removing a part of the bile duct and a small part of liver attacked by the cancer cells.

Before, Tony masters his flying and goes out for the first time and it finally, finally, after everything he's gone – and will go – through feels free and happy, at least for some time. He goes out flying at least twice a day just because he can; he doesn't care too much about being seen. It's a mystery to the world.

Depending on his physical state, the surgery may require anything from 4 to 10 days stay in the clinic. Tony tells Pepper to take care of all his affairs and claims to go away with a friend of his; it's not something he's never done before and it matches the lies' pattern, making them more difficult to distinguish from the crazy reality.

The surgery takes place as planned and when Tony wakes up, in pain and groggy and trying not to freak out because he can't see the blue light shining from his chest – even if it's just because of something he is wearing – Happy and Doc greet him. Smiling hurts, physically hurts, but everything probably does; Tony doesn't try moving though. He learns that a big part of the bile duct and a small part of the liver are gone, just as planned, and Tony repeatedly tells himself how lucky he is. He stays in the hospital for 8 days and it's only because Doc insists, given Tony's tiny physical impairment of the arc reactor embedded in his chest.

There is this one nurse, Roxanne, that takes care of him most of the time. Tony doesn't get it really how it works, since she seems to be around at least 16 hours a day, he just accepts things as they are. She is sweet and never asks unnecessary questions and treats Tony like a normal person and not a precious breakable bibelot. She offers him small smiles and gives him a weather report every morning when she comes to wake him up with his medicine – he's mentioned once and in passing that he likes to have the data, it's just something he's got used to with JARVIS around, he doesn't tell her _that_ though.

She listens to him and offers explanations and blinks a real lot and when Tony can start eating normally, she exchanges his pudding for a flavor he prefers.

'You're one of the nicest people I have met in a long time,' Tony tells her, taking the new pudding. Day 6 and it doesn't even hurt so much, the surgery spot, without medicine, so everything is okay all things considered.

'Well, you haven't been anywhere other than your house and this room in a long time,' she comments with a playful note to her voice. Tony appreciates the non-gloomy and non-depressed approach so much, it's completely different from what word _cancer_ makes people be like.

That's how you make friends, apparently, when you're not trying to unconsciously – or ever worse, consciously get a billionaire's attention.

Before Tony leaves the clinic, Doc tell him everything he needs to know, gives him some advice and answers questions. Tony has endless questions, he always does, and this is a completely new level of important.

'You should be able to lead a normal life, no problem,' Doc says and it makes them both burst out laughing because well, Tony hasn't had a normal life, he really hasn't. Ever. Whatever it has been it never qualified as normal, especially not _after_, especially not with the nightmares and the light in his chest; especially not with a rare illness now – supposedly mostly dealt with, as the surgery is successful. Juts a follow-up treatment now.

'We call it adjuvant chemoradiotherapy. Destroys all the cancer cells that might have been left, too small to notice. Two weeks of a course of radiation, two weeks break, two weeks of a course and you're done. Then light chemo, 5-FU via IV monthly for one year. I'll give you pamphlets with all the information for the future, all right?'

'Mhm…' Tony murmurs and Doc looks up at him with his eyebrows raised.

'Yeah?'

'Am I going to –' Tony starts, making a face; he is no coward, but the words just seem wrong in his own mind, maybe it's his hidden vanity speaking or maybe he's just scared. So he smiles at Doc and cocks his head.

'No, you're not, Tony. Be reasonable, I told you that if you don't want to tell anyone, I can't force you and they _won't_ know. So no clearly visible side effects, at least not commonly.'

'Small blessings,' Tony comments with a undertone of sarcasm, but he smirks a bit. Doc always understands what he means; losing hair would be kind of a difficult thing to hide or explain.

'I will see you on December 9th, okay? You'll finish the course right before Christmas.'

''Cause you know how I _love_ that holiday,' Tony replies quickly, rolling his eyes, and gets up. 'You're letting me go –'

'Tomorrow morning. Doctor Lee will be discharging you, I'm on a consultation a few hundred miles away from here.'

'Okay,' Tony nods, waves the man goodbye and disappears into _his_ room. 'I'm coming home tomorrow, baby,' he tells JARVIS via his phone later. 'Have all the toys lined up.'

'Sir, do you think it's wise –'

'I'm not dying, J,' Tony sighs, climbing onto the bed. 'At least, not in _this_ _very_ _moment_. Might not last long, so please stop the patronizing.'

'… I will have the suit on stand-by, Sir.'

'Good boy,' Tony replies and disconnects the call.

It would be probably a nice impulse to change something now in his life, Tony thinks, according to psychologists and all the funny people, only that he's had enough of those recently and they all somehow involved death; he is not really a fan of the current theme of _danse macabre._

He still wants to rip his body open and get rid of the _monster_ that he's been surrogating for probably years – _it's a slow process, usually, Tony –_ even if it's supposedly not there and will be gone completely when he's done with the medicine.

It's funny how the little thing can make _everything _else fade into the background.

* * *

As soon as he's back in the Mansion, Happy driving the Audi – he wouldn't let Tony, even if there are no medical contraindications – he goes to the beach and lays on the sand for hours, legs caressed by the soft touch of the waves.

Everything is going to be all right. Of course. Is just never does.

Doc prohibited the pessimistic thinking, saying that _if anyone has a chance of getting out of this, it's you_. Tony has had JARVIS check the statistics, obviously. They are terrifying, and he thought he would not be… scared so easily, after the cave. And he is now because this is slow and constant and inevitable and no amount of intelligence or foolhardy bravery is going to help. He thought he could be more familiarized with dying by now.

'_My springs of life were poisoned. 'Tis too late! Yet am I changed; though still enough the same in strength to bear what time cannot abate, and feed on bitter fruits without accusing fate_,' he murmurs to himself, barely louder than the hum of the ocean. If there is one writer that has answer for everything, it definitely is Byron.

Tony _isn't_ familiarized with dying at all – but it's all in doctors' hands now, the dependence is awful; there is nothing more that he can do about himself.

– _Ah, but there is_.

There really is, he suddenly realizes. He has started it by the decision to stop manufacturing weapons. Now – it's time for step two, no matter what might be happening, Tony decides. The determination sets easily in his chest and it's finally a good warm feeling. He smiles at the sun or maybe at the ocean, gets up – slowly, no need for dizzy spells – and almost runs to the mansion.

Whatever happens, there is no time for self-pity. He has a world to change.

* * *

**A/N:** All my medical knowledge is a result of a long and pleasurable but somehow terrifying research. I hope it's accurate, please correct me if I got something wrong.

I'd love to hear what you think about this piece and if you'd be interested in reading following parts. Thanks for reading and please let me know your opinion! :)


	2. Fingerprints of blood on gold

**Fingerprints of blood on gold**

'Wow, you are looking better, Tony,' Pepper tells him when she visits on November 30th, two days after Tony's come home from the clinic. 'I mean, you still look like shit, but you look more… alive. She must be a good influence on you.'

'You're the one with the best compliments,' Tony teases. 'I've had a… relaxing two weeks.'

At least that isn't a lie, even if the bed rest had nothing to do with a girl – unless you count Roxanne in – and was rather forced. Also, working with Mark II has been nothing but a real pleasure. Tony's been working on the armor – even though it's theoretically finished – for a few hours every day, flying more and more, becoming better and better. Up in the sky he is nothing but a small object within a boundless space and it's more than he's ever dreamed of. It's – it's a complete opposite of the cave and the house and the hospital room. It feels like really being what he's always wanted to be.

'I've got news for you,' Tony says, and in exactly the same moment Pepper speaks up, too.

'I must tell you something.'

They exchange a look. Tony blinks a few times and bows a little.

'Ladies first.'

'It might not be nice –'

'Whatever it is, Pep, you're going to tell me anyway,' Tony cuts in and moves around to grab some snack from the fridge.

'Something is wrong with Mister Stane,' she says quietly, following him and sitting by the kitchen table. 'He's been behaving… strangely. I don't know what it is about and I don't want to guess, but maybe you should… talk to him?'

'Oh – I will. Okay. I wanted to talk with him anyway.'

'You did?' she asks with rightful disbelief.

'Yeah. High time, you know. I've got him,' Tony replays with an easy smile, putting a spoonful of pudding he's just opened into his mouth. Eating softer foods, easy to digest, is beneficial for some time, _of course_ it is.

Obie has been absolutely mad with Tony since the press conference. It's been almost half a year and nothing has changed, only that the man uses sweeter and sweeter words; Tony doesn't fall for them, though. He's had his share of being stupid and naïve, like the young kid he was when he took over Stark Industries, and not much had changed through the over fifteen years he's been the CEO. Obie's priorities and needs have always been very different from Tony's own and they had arguments before – always between the two of them only, no need to give reasons for SI's stock rates to drop – but there has always been a possibility of a compromise.

Not this time, though – as soon as Tony came back from the clinic, he ordered JARVIS to take a close look at all the SI affairs to find out what is wrong there. Tony is not a hypocrite and he's not going to change anything outside of the limited environment as long as his own personal world is full of errors that need to be corrected._ Take care of your own mistakes first, Mr. Stark._

Letting Obie rule in Stark Industries for so long has been one of those mistakes, even if it took Tony a long time to figure it out and _let himself_acknowledge that. It would be easier to claim he doesn't know anything and keep pretending, but – _not anymore_.

'You wanted? –' Peppers unsure voice interrupts his thoughts.

'I'm sending you off for holidays,' Tony informs her, throwing the pudding cup to the bin skillfully. 'You've earned it. You've been taking care of all my mess for the last half a year and I am sorry for that… You know how I can get caught up in my own affairs. Thank you for all you did and I'm sure you know I couldn't have done it all without you – but you've earned some time off. Lets say… a month, the whole December, and the first few days of January. Do what you want. If you want money, I can give you money, or anything –'

'Tony,' Pepper interrupts firmly, looking at him suspiciously. 'Have you been drinking?'

'Not at all, unfortunately,' he replies, offering her a goofy smile. She always falls for that – well, sure this time it sounds suspicious, but he _is_himself, Pepper has experienced stranger things happening… That would give him the possibility of not being under constant scrutiny for some time. Tony loves Pepper, like a sister or a friend or maybe the funny black sheep aunt – that's how he would image one, at least – but she doesn't know how to chill out or back down sometimes.

'How will you even manage to dress yourself?' she asks seriously and Tony uses all his self-control not to burst out laughing. Laughter is dangerous these days, it quickly becomes hysterical and then becomes sobbing and it's the last thing he wants.

'I've got JARVIS ready with his visual tips every time I wake up, Peppy,' Tony informs her in a tour guide voice. 'I will be _fine_. I don't think you've had a decent rest since you started working for me, and it's been like a decade!'

'Well, if you say so,' she agrees reluctantly. 'If you pull some crazy stunt when I am not here, you're dealing with the nightmare yourself.'

'Yes,' Tony affirms, voice bored. 'You say that all the time. But I will. I don't plan to do anything especially nightmarish and no, this time my excuse won't be _the trouble finds me_, I'm not Harry Potter.'

Pepper laughs and Tony manages to persuade her to take the jet and fly to Hawaii for two weeks, before she goes to spend some time with her family. She does leave on December 1st and Tony is left alone in the house – well. With Happy, living in his small separate apartments on the side of the building – but the man is surprisingly subtle and quiet, as if he weren't there at all. Tony adores it. Everyone underestimates Happy and it is even sweeter.

* * *

The week after Pepper's departure Tony spends working, making plans, _eating_, reading all the files JARVIS has managed to collect, trying to figure out how to deal with the clusterfuck he's found himself in and letting the A.I. talk him through bouts of murderous rage.

Because – _Obadiah_.

It's enough said. And Tony hates himself for having been so blind. Or – not exactly, he's suspected something was off in SI for a long time, but always just pushed the suspicions away because it was easier and better and left him carefree. He should have _never_ been carefree with all the responsibility on his shoulders. Most of the world doesn't even know how big it is.

So, cliché or not, apparently being close – closer – to death makes you think. Tony's has _a lot_ of time to think.

And it looks like his _father figure_ has been lying to him for years, even before Howard's death. He's had his own agenda for decades and as long as the business was going the way that suited him, no one suspected anything. And if Pepper noticed something is wrong –

Ah. Tony just sight. It's time to act.

* * *

December 9th, before leaving the house, Tony gives JARVIS some numbers to run and tells him to supervise the work that the bots are supposed to be doing.

'And J – get all the data, you know which, organized for me. I will call Obie when I come back. We need to have… some words.'

'Yes, sir. Just be careful.'

'Always am,' Tony sings and waves at the nearest camera before hopping into the Audi and driving off.

A few minutes before 10 a.m. he's waiting for Doc and a radiation doctor he's going to meet for the first time, chatting with Roxanne who apparently has he shift _again_; Tony swears to himself to learn how is it possible that she's always at work. He probably could help; it's one of the perks of being a billionaire, you can help with most things whenever you can. And she definitely deserves it.

The doctors come at 10 sharp and they all sit comfortably in Doc's office; the talk before they can get started, it is a standard procedure and even if Doctor Samski – the radiation oncologist – read Tony's very recently created medical history, including all information on the arc reactor and the Afghan stories, there are apparently _more_ questions that need to be asked. Then, after determining treatment field and marking it with tattooed dots Tony is ready for the procedure.

'Just a few more _nice_ reminders of my life story,' he complains to Doc when they are going to the room where the whole magic will take place – well, not really magic, Tony has read _everything_ on radiotherapy and the machines and he has all the theory of how it all functions in his head. Probably not a good idea, but he wouldn't be able to sleep if he didn't know, that's how he operates.

'Well, we can't compete with the pretty thing you gave yourself, boy,' Doc replies easily, not even looking back to see how Tony is smirking. It definitely is a nervous smile, but hardly anyone is able to tell that.

Getting everything in place takes ridiculously long and seems like a rather inefficient part of the process; it takes twenty eight minutes before Samski is satisfied with Tony's position and it's just _four_ minutes of the radiation itself. Not everything can be efficient though and even if it's annoying, for someone with Tony's kind of mind. Five time a week for four weeks in total isn't that bad though.

'I did tell you about all the possible side effects… Often they do not happen at the beginning of the treatment but _accumulate_ and get worse with time, so you might feel completely normal today, even if you will experience some problems later. Let's hope not. Just – take it easy,' Doc tells Tony when he is ready to leave.

''Till tomorrow,' he says, nods solemnly and disappears.

* * *

JARVIS has taken care of all the files that contain the _problematic_ information, organizing them by year and month, but surnames that appear in the documents, by places, by numbers. There are so many from the last ten years only; before that they are less but surely the transactions have just not been done online.

'Obie, would you mind coming for dinner? I'll have something delivered. Something you like. Surprise. I've got something I want to show you.'

'Finally,' Obie sighs and clears his throat. 'I will come tomorrow at noon –'

'At three. I can't earlier and before you ask no, I don't have to explain to you why. I am a big boy. And I know you are still mad at me for the press conference and the decision, but I am ready to explain some things to you, okay?'

'You better have something good, kid,' Obie says in a low voice and laughs. 'I'll be there at three.'

Tony ends the call and sits by his one-car cinema, JARVIS displaying the most important information on the screens. Afghanistan. Sudan. Iraq. Iran. India. Pakistan. Mexico. Egypt. A handful of countries in central Africa. It's – it's a complete mess.

Nothing much happens during the day. Tony spends a few hours in the evening walking along the beach and trying to sort things out in his mind, with headphones around his neck – he's thought some good old rock would do him good, but the sound of the ocean seems to work better.

After that, he and Happy eat dinner, the man forcing Tony to eat – he really doesn't have appetite, but losing more weight now, during the treatment, would not be good _at all_.

'I want you to be on watch tomorrow, when Obi comes, just in case' Tony tells Happy, who looks up and frowns questioningly, waiting for al elaboration. 'I will have a talk with him and it's not going to end well. A talk or an argument, however you prefer to call it – you might have to keep me from strangling him with my bare hands.'

'What has he done _now_?'

'What _hasn't _he done,' Tony sighs. shaking his head with resignation. 'You will see. If I tell you now you'll think I've gone insane. I will have JARVIS record everything so you can have a peek via TV or whatever you want.'

'Okay,' Happy agrees and resumes eating. Tony smirks. It's another thing he loves about his _bodyguard_: he never seems fazed, not even by craziest things. A perfect man for the job. 'But, just for the record, you wouldn't be able to strangle anyone with those skinny arms of yours, _boss_.'

* * *

The second day of treatment, it all takes much shorter because it's just being positioned on the bed and then the big four minutes. Still no side effects, unless you count fatigue, but Tony couldn't sleep at night and stayed most of it up in the workshop, playing with flight stabilizers – there are still not perfect enough – so the tiredness could be from the lack of sleep.

And he's grown used to the heavy feeling in his limbs by now.

Obie comes at three sharp and the food is delivered a few minutes later, when the men are by the bar, Tony fixing them both some nice light cocktails. They eat first, pretending to enjoy a chit-chat about the media and SI stock prizes – what a _lovely_ topic for late lunch – and make bad jokes; it's something that always happens around Obie, either you want it or not; he plays the role of funny, even if a bit patronizing, people's man perfectly.

When they are done with the food, they move to the living room and Tony asks JARVIS to pull up the data he's assembled on the big TV, and half a second later Tony has a gun aimed at _Obie's_ chest, before the man can reach for his own, hidden under the jacket.

Obie looks appropriately stunned with his protégée's action, making Tony offer him a perfect smirk. He is tired and remotely nauseous and he really doesn't feel like playing games.

'I think you want to explain me some things,' he states in a sweet voice and gestures at Obie to sit. '_After_ you've handled me the three guns and the paralyzer you have on yourself.'

Obie looks up, his face unreadable, but he does take out all of said things and places them in the table for Tony to collect – then everything goes kind of easy. Obie is too inward-looking and arrogant and _mad_ to actually filter his words. He makes threats and laughs and calls Tony a fuckup and a coward. The man talks a lot, certainly sure that Tony won't want to get the story public because it will put him in a bad light, too, it's just hard to believe that he could be that stupid, given that he is a genius. And even if he called the police, Obie could pay any bail that might be set.

So Tony continues smiling even though he's feeling as if he's going to throw up; he is not sure whether it's the radiation side effect or nervousness. At the same time JARVIS is cutting out fragments of the speech and sending them to a few major TV stations, together with a message Tony has prepares earlier.

It takes forty three minutes of holding the gun in his hand before Tony sees the data on the TV disappear and be replaced by a CNN news feed.

Obie seems to stop breathing for a few long moments.

'How could you,' he hisses in the end, in a low, dangerous tone, staring at Tony. 'How _could you_ do this to yours, your father's, our legacy. Are you out of you fucking mind?'

_I kind of am out of this world_, Tony comments to himself silently, never taking his eyes of his _friend_. He doesn't reply and just waits for someone from the government to come, be that CIA or FBI or other secret men.

It takes them full twenty eight minutes to appear on the doorstep; Tony happily gives Obie into their hands and hands over a few hard drives with all the data they could need for an investigation, assuring them that he would be happy to testify whenever they will need him.

Pepper calls and, after shouting at Tony for half an hour, congratulates him and thanks for the SPA he's organized for her in Hawaii. Stark Industries is operating normally, but there is a big meeting scheduled for just after the New Year, since during Christmas period everyone has different worries.

The next morning Doc welcomes him with a smile, as does Roxanne and Samski, and they all wish him luck on getting on the right way.

* * *

On Saturday, Tony makes the first appearance in the armor over the Afghan land, and a few others countries'. It's surreal that he has to wait the three days before putting taking care of his affairs _just_ because flying there and back and doing his job takes more time that he has between two visits at the clinic.

It repeats about a week later, after Tony's finished his radiation almost without side effects – at least those that would prevent him from flying. He's got a tender skin and a sunburn-like change where the beam enters the body, but it's nothing. He is tired a lot and sometimes nauseous, but Doc, Happy and JARVIS all take care of proper nutrition so it's not too bad. The whole cancer deal seems to be much _less_ than he has feared when he has heard Doc saying it.

Maybe it's just luck, or maybe the fate _really_ wants him alive.

There is no break for Christmas; Tony flies to all places where he knows for sure his illegally sold weapons are stored and destroys them. The first few days, it's only military that knows about this, but after a week – just before New Year's Eve – it's all over the news and the whole world demands to know what is going on.

Tony spends the whole day walking along the beach, shoeless, feet and calves getting wet, wearing a trench coat because of the strong wind, and thinking. There are a few things he theoretically could do and only one thing he can do realistically, given the kind of attention he is getting at the moment: mostly being called a collaborator and being accused of blaming everything on Stane to make himself appear innocent…

It's a mess, but at least he's had some time to think about it now, with a few more days he has before being thrown back into the different world, the different time-space of the hospital. _The days began to fly now, and yet each one of them was stretched by renewed expectations and swollen with silent, private experiences. Yes, time is a puzzling thing, there is something about it that is hard to explain_, Tony knows it's all been written down before.

'So, Stark Industries are in a disarray, from the managerial point of view of course. Nothing wrong with the tech, nothing is ever wring with the tech,' he murmurs to himself, his voice barely above the noise of the wind and angry waves. 'And _I_ am the _suspect_. Of course. Not a good publicity, and we've been only establishing all the new projects not regarding military, so unstable. Unsure. _Not good_… Hmm. And – mixed opinions about my beautiful work in the armor. _Blood all over the gold_, that's what that girl on the news said, right? Only that she doesn't know enough to judge, the public can't know enough to judge… so, they're not going to give it a rest. If I say _I am _the armored hero-villain, they are going to lock me up or hunt me down. Or something. Mental instability, my ass,' he lets out a short deep laughter. 'Should I deal with it? I'm not sure I feel up to dealing with it, am I, hmm?'

The determination burning in his chest, driven by the anger, is not enough.

'I can't let the anger rule,' he continues, picking out a pebble from the sand and starting to turn the cold moist stone between his fingers. 'That would be the worst thing ever and Yinsen would just come back from the dead and haunt me.' A chuckle. 'And I would end up with a SI-made bullet between by eyes, wouldn't I? Sooo, not an option. I need to do – the right thing, the right, the right, what the _fuck_ is the right thing here? I don't have time to figure it out,' he adds with a sigh, throwing the stone into the ocean; it disappears momentarily.

* * *

Tony walks until his feet are cold and his legs start aching, but when he comes back to the mansion, he knows what to do. He isn't _sure_, but all the other options are far worse.

It takes him half an hour to wrap everything up and send the video to TV, JARVIS taking care of making the signal untraceable, if anyone wondered where it came from.

New Year's Eve at eight p.m., the news begin with big red letters and excited reporters waiting to reveal an answer to the mystery to the whole world.

Tony sits on the sofa, with a prawn cocktail sandwich and a glass of champagne, and waits. It's a few seconds after the news' intro that a pretty blonde woman informs the whole nation that Iron Man – that's how they have been calling him the last few days – has made his move, and the feed switches to a video: there is just the armor sitting in an empty white room, devoid of any kind of items that could be identified, and when he speaks it's without lifting the faceplate, the voice artificially modulated to deep loud tones.

'Good evening to my fellow Americans,' _Iron Man _says. It's as much as Tony is willing to reveal, his nationality, even if there is no proof to that. Otherwise it could end badly. 'I have been watching all the media response to my actions with interest. Of course, you got most of the facts wrong, which was quite amusing and not unexpected, but that can be forgiven. I am _not_ going to reveal my name or any kind of information you would like to know, but I want to assure you that keeping my identity secret is only to protect the people around me, my family and friends, which I am sure you can understand and respect.'

Tony smirks at he hears those words, it is only a half-lie. There are exactly two people he is going to tell the truth face to face, and both already suspect it.

'Regarding my current actions in Asia and Africa that have closely followed the scandal in Stark Industries, let me tell you that I have been waiting to make this move for a long time, but I needed you all to know _why_ first – and that couldn't have been sped up. I waited to reveal myself to the world until the right moment and it has come: the times now are dangerous, there are many threats that we have not been not aware of that will come to light, we need all the forces we can muster to defend ourselves and others against them, so I am offering my help. must stand united. I am acting for the benefit of the free world – and at the same time doing Mr Stark a favor that I hope he will appreciate.'

It looks strange when the armor nods; Tony smirks wider at that, bringing the champagne glass to his lips – that's all he got permission from Doc to drink – and waits for the final words as the armor stands up gracefully.

'I, Iron man, am going to protect you _until_ _death takes me_,' he pledges with a salute. 'Now, goodbye – and happy New Year.'

* * *

**A/N:** As you can see the universe starting to shape up here, any opinions would be invaluable to me :) I hope you've enjoyed what is happening here. Please let me know and thanks for reading! :)


	3. Disintegration of Anthony Stark part 1

**Disintegration of Anthony Stark (part 1)**

In March Tony is already long done with the treatment and more than familiarized with the chemo IVs that have more side effects that radiation, but there are only a few left and it's two or three days a month, not more. He still has fortnightly meetings with Doc and doctor Samski, but everything seems to be okay in blood work and on CTs. It's easy to build everything around this fading subconscious presence.

'So, maybe it's never been a big thing,' Tony tells himself when he's walking along the shore as has become his habit these months. 'It's just this: tumor, you get rid of the tumor, you suffer for a short bit and then you are done. Lucky. Other people have to undergo treatment for years, long years. We're _lucky_. The clue word,' he laughs briefly. 'But now I can say to myself that I have survived yet another battle, even if it was not even and it was not long. It's a good feeling,' he concludes, adjusting sunglasses. It's spring already, starting today, according to the calendar, but it always feels more or less like spring in Malibu.

The last few months have been exhausting and annoying more than anything, even despite the satisfaction that acting as Iron Man is giving Tony. He's been flying all over the globe and destroying all the arms and, thanks to JARVIS' help, he's helped out the army a few times with capturing some _bad guys_ and taking care of rogue terrorists, but it's always been come-help-go, without communication, so Iron Man is still a mystery.

When Tony comes back to the house, already with plans for dinner – thank heavens it's Sunday, he's been working six days a week to take care of the mess at Stark Industries and between court hearings, the Board and invertors' meetings, consulting hours, talking to the media, staying in the clinic and saving the world, he's hardly had time to actually work on the R&D stuff that _makes_ SI. Good thing that he's had a few projects saved up, never presented before, and they were rather well-received, so the stocks are holding steady, still too low but steady – he finds a message to Iron Man directed untraceably by JARVIS from an external server to his home network asking for a meeting.

Whoever sent the message is of S.H.I.E.L.D. which Tony is pretty familiar with so far; they have run into each other a few times since Iron Man started making appearances. Secret government agency, mostly unknown by the public, not much information available until you dig much deeper.

_Iron Man_, the message says, _given your work for the benefit of the free world and against the forces that might be a danger to people of all countries, we would like to start a collaboration with you. It would give you authorization to do whatever you are doing now and help you avoid the inevitable backlash from the media and governments in the future, when the novelty of your actions runs out and you will be seen as nothing but a the _bad one_ yourself, holding too much power without any control. You will be allowed to keep your identity secret, so there should be nothing to stop you from making the right decision. Name day and place and S.H.I.E.L.D. will be there to brief you in detail. _

And a name at the end: _Director Fury_.

'Sounds intriguing, doesn't it?'

'It does indeed, sir,' JARVIS agrees and for a second Tony is confused as he's forgotten that he isn't talking to himself right now.

'How long did you estimation give me before someone from the good side tries to shoot me down or goes to the media with their dumb fears?'

'It was five months and three weeks – and three months have already passed – but remember that the data was too scarce and unsure to make a truly accurate prediction –'

'I know, I know, J,' Tony interrupts, waving at the A.I. 'No need to be meticulous here. But it _is_ a valid concern, I mean, it really is inevitable… and what exactly will I gain?'

'If you go to the meeting, I am sure you will find out –'

'Rhetorical, that was rhetorical!' Tony exclaims, rolling his eyes, Sometimes JARVIS is a bit too persistent with his sarcasm. 'Well, I guess we can talk. Not like they could capture me if they wanted… how about Wednesday, on the top of Bank of America building? They are around here, right? I am sure they can get a pass to land a helicopter there, the crafty little things they are. At eight. I should be done with work for the day, right?'

'Last meeting scheduled at 6:30 p.m., but it's only pro forma, the contract is already being drafted up.'

'Perfect,' Tony agrees, nodding to himself and grabbing a bottle with chlorophyll. 'And tell Happy to move his lazy ass and come here because I _won't_ be julienning all those veggies that he and Doc insist I eat all by myself.'

* * *

S.H.I.E.L.D. does find a way to install two people at the top of the skyscraper and by the time Tony gets close to the place, they are already waiting by the helicopter, both looking at a tablet one of them has in hand, but as soon as Iron Man lands they are waiting with arms crossed behind their backs and expectant faces.

'Director Fury,' Tony greets the dark-skinned man who cringes a tiniest bit at the metallic sound of Iron Man's voice. 'And…'

'Agent Coulson,' the other man supplies, giving Tony a small dry smile that disappears soon enough. The man looks so _common_ that it's almost unbelievable.

'Pleasure to meet you both,' Tony smoothly replies. One good thing of having a computerized voice is that it doesn't show anything that you don't want it to show and that's always a good precaution.

'Can I get straight to the point or do you need any kind of information of overview of whatever before I can talk?'

'I know everything I want to know,' Iron Man responds, unmoving.

'I assumed you would,' Fury replies, sounding somehow content underneath the crudeness. That's good that he has at least expected his new asset to have brains and resources to check the agency before agreeing to the meeting. Tony wouldn't want himself either if he wasn't clever enough to do that. 'What we've got for you is a position in Avengers Initiative. It's a group of… extraordinary people. We are still looking for more suitable assets, but at the moment there is a Norse god you didn't know that has visited the Earth,' Fury pauses, giving him a look, and Tony shows a _no_ with his hand. 'Okay. Two of our best agents who have rather excellent skills. The Hulk. Spider Man. You can also meet a few other people who we occasionally work with, even though they are not a part of the crowd: the Fantastic Four, X-Men… You get the idea.'

'Of course. Though I haven't seen a lot of them working… publicly,' Tony notes, staring to pace around the free space. The view of late sunset is enchanting, with city lights starting to shine stronger under his feet and a red and pink glow on west. He could just stare at it for hours.

'Yes, we try to keep most of our operations covert – unless it's inevitable or a bit of propaganda. Everyone needs some good publicity, no?'

'Of course,' Tony agrees, thinking about everything he's had to listen to about Stark Industries and himself, thanks to the scandal with Obie, and some of the comments he's heard about Iron Man _already_, even if most of them are positive. Public opinion is a _bitch_. 'What would you expect me to do, exactly? In your message you said I could keep doing what I have been doing. I value my independence.'

'Agent Coulson? He is the Avenger's _handler_,' Fury explains and takes a few steps back, standing next to the helicopter, his black coat dancing gracelessly on the strong wind.

'First of all, you would have to take part in the ops that S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers do.,' Coulson starts, his voice bland but pleasant. 'Sometimes it's the things you see on TV, where the _superheroes_ save the day – especially Spider Man, he's our media golden boy – but most of the time it's ops that no one can know about even when they are finished. At least that's what it's been like so far. We debrief you and you go out with the team. It could be protection or capturing someone or assassination, recovering a person or an item, collecting data, anything. And those little missions of yours? We could make them official and if any questions arose, you would have the backup of the US government.'

'As easy as that?'

'We can do almost everything we want to do, Iron Man,' Coulson replies, with that small polite smile again, and raises one eyebrow in a perfect practiced movement. 'All you have to do is agree – and we can start from there.'

'I understand,' Tony assures the man and turns around, staring at the ocean reflecting last bits of red. 'And what if I cannot answer your call immediately?'

_Hypothetical situation_, Tony assures himself in his head. _Been having helluva busy time with SI and – everything could happen, right?_

'You mean, you'd have a job or something _personal_ and you wouldn't be able to come?'

'Yes.'

'Well, hypothetically, being and Avenger is full-time job. But Spider Man, he only works with us around the US, and he comes and goes…. he lives in Ney York though, so it's easier for him,' Coulson says, playing with his tie. Fury is talking with someone over the phone quietly. 'We could make you a consultant, but I'd prefer to avoid that. I want to know who I can rely on, since it's practically my team. What kind of problems do you expect to encounter?'

'Ah. Most of the time I should be able to leave my… work within an hour from a call. That is reasonable enough not to cause problems or – suspicions. And the matter of _getting these_, of course, depends on where the said place would be. I can, obviously, get everywhere on my own though, no need to lifts.'

'That certainly is an advantage,' Coulson admits politely. 'How long does it take you to travel across the country?'

'Currently, three hours,' Tony replies dramatically, although it gets lost on the computerized voice. Coulson recoils slightly and blinks a few times. 'Two and a half after I install the upgrades I have been working on.'

'That's incredible,' Coulson offers, glancing back to check on Fury; the man is still on the phone, but his eyes are trained on Iron Man and his agent and Tony has a feeling that he can hear everything clearly. 'Very good.'

'I normally happen to be in New York quite often, though,' Tony offers; it's a half-lie, he hasn't been there that much recently, but before Afghanistan he spent half his time in Malibu and half in the Big Apple. 'So I should have no problem with losing time on flying across the country. I have… heard that you are nearby, that's why I proposed a meeting here in L.A.'

'Aren't you a resourceful one,' Coulson chuckles drily, no doubt making a mental note to talk with the IT guys. 'So, you're making a decision now?'

'Is there any decision to make?' Tony counters, spinning around and looking at the Agent's face through HUD. 'Or are you going to declare me an enemy of the state, pursue me and try to uncover my identity if I refuse?'

'I have no business _whatsoever_ with who you really are, Mr. _Iron Man_, as long as you're on our side,' Fury cries across the roof; Tony offers him a armor-gloved wave.

'You can walk away from here and we'll never talk again, but then you are all on your own,' Coulson adds and then takes out a store-bough vacuum-packed donut with coffee glaze. 'Do you mind?'

'No, go on, I don't eat in the suit,' Tony offers, turning back to stare at the city below; it's all dark now, the lights and neons colorfully agleam. It's one of the things he appreciates most about flying: he gets to see all the incredible views, so many beautiful sights that are inaccessible for others. 'My last question is, what if I want to quit? Let say you'd need me and I would _have to _quit. You let me go, too?'

'You ask a lot of those questions, have some doubts?' Coulson asks around the doughnut bite, cocking his head slightly. The man is precious, Tony decides, and he would – he would _hate _Tony Stark.

'I am just human underneath the suit,' Tony replies, _feeling_ the words in his body; he's just had the chemo two ago and even though it doesn't have bad side effects, there is some lingering nausea and tiredness, as well as the strange feeling in his arm where the cannula was placed; it will pass within another two or three days.

'Yeah,' Coulson murmurs, swallowing the last bite of the pastry. 'We haven't had anyone _drop out_ yet, but let me assure you we won't hunt you down. That is – again – as long as you don't go rogue. And some… notice before could be nice, too. We're always on a lookout for more people to collaborate with; you know yourself what kind of a mess the world is becoming. It _needs_ a response team.'

'You can count me in then,' Tony says in Iron Man's toneless voice and inclines his head – the helmet – slightly.

'I'm glad. Good to have you on board, Iron Man.'

'Glad my handler is not a moron,' Tony replies, making Coulson snicker slightly. 'I will see you?…'

'I guess you want to wrap some things up or take care of some business, so let's say I will see you within a month? I am sure you can find the New York Headquarters.'

'There is this great burger joint two blocks away.'

'Just like I said,' the agent acknowledges and starts walking towards Fury. 'We've reached an agreement, Director,' he states with a small nod. Fury turns his one eye to give Iron Man a scrutinizing look.

'Welcome in S.H.I.E.L.D.,' he states, hop on the helicopter and gestures at Coulson to follow; two minutes later they are far off, yet another black object in the dark sky.

'Let's hope we made the right decision,' Tony murmurs to himself, JARVIS this time doesn't offer any comment. Iron Man takes off the building's roof several minutes after the agents and does a few neat tricks to make himself invisible to all potentially-interested parties before even getting close to Malibu.

'Congratulations on officially becoming a state-licensed superhero, sir,' JARVIS offers eagerly when he flies into the workshop, the landing pad opening and starting to take the suit off Tony's body. His voice sounds _almost_ not mockingly.

'Not me, baby,' Tony replies with a grin and then sighs. 'Not me. _Iron_ _Man_.'

At least JARVIS doesn't ask if it's not the same.

* * *

Tony tells Pepper and Happy the next evening that they are moving to New York within a month. They are both _very_ surprised, maybe more than Tony has expected – he has lived between New York and Malibu before Afghanistan, alternating between what he had to do for Stark Industries and what he wanted to do for himself – but there is no doubt in his voice.

Tony sends Doc an encrypted message, just a precaution, and tells him how things went with S.H.I.E.L.D. Later Happy learns the real reason, too, and agrees that it's the best thing to do now, especially that the change of place can be explained by the need to be closer to the core of the business, since there are so many problems to take care of in SI, so many things that need to be changed in order to bring the company back to _real_ life and Tony is fully aware of the responsibility he has there: even if he could, theoretically, close all the factories and change SI completely or maybe just let it go, there are several thousand people in the US working there, not to mention all the associates abroad.

So, the next few weeks is a mess of meeting in court, trying to persuade the board to accept a few new projects that Tony has finally managed to find time for – and, in the meantime, moving things bit by bit. At least Tony has an apartment in NY so one thing down off the list.

It's soon a great moment to take care of another one.

'I need to tell you something,' Tony tells Doc when he is in the clinic for the day, the medication slowly dripping into his veins. 'We are moving to New York. It's for SI – you know we've got all the management there, all the main stuff, everyone claims they are sick of teleconferences and flying there and back – and _the other thing_.'

'You want me to move with you?' Doc asks; trust him to be the direct one.

'Your call,' Tony replies truthfully.

'Well, that is a stupid thing to be unsure about – I am coming. I will miss the warm weather, but on the other hand, I've been here for much too long for my comfort, you know what kind of a restless bum I am. Never set a foot longer that five years in one place.'

'I know, I know,' Tony agrees with a smirk. That is so true. Doc is just too restless to stay calm for too long. 'We need to do it soon. Maybe three weeks from now – any problem with me getting my _nectar_ there?'

'If you have a place? No. I'm sure Lance will be happy to come over a few times, I will ask him and inform you – tomorrow, I think I should be seeing him tomorrow… Thanks, kid, at least I will have something _to do_ now,' Doc murmurs, standing up; Tony knows he needs to go back to his other patients.

'Like?'

'Looking for a place to rent, of course,' Doc replies in a bit too happy voice; he does get excited like a kid sometimes. Tony thinks it's cute, since the man is some fifteen years older than him.

In the end, Samski agrees just like Doc said; Tony does have a place – a _very_ private clinic, just like the one in L.A.; it's not a big deal, Samski says, he doesn't really _have to_ come to give Tony the chemo; it could be anyone, but Tony doesn't feel comfortable _at all_ with telling more people than necessary.

It is just three more times, anyway.

* * *

Two days after the chemo, Tony decides he does feel good enough and calls Coulson to tell him he will be coming over. Or Iron Man does.

The flight is nice and quick; it would be much nicer though if Tony didn't know that besides Iron Man's meeting with S.H.I.E.L.D., Tony Stark has a few meetings on his own that will be much less pleasant.

S.H.I.E.L.D.'s headquarters isn't difficult to find at all. It's conspicuously normal, come to think of it, but deception is the best trick one can use. Nobody would expect a secret agency in a normal building.

Tony doesn't even have to look for the entrance or go through whatever security they might have as he lands on the roof and a few moments later the agent comes up and greets him. Iron Man nods in response and follows the man inside, walking two steps behind Coulson through the vast corridors.

The whole thing is much less exciting that one could think of the secret agencies, at least at the time when all Iron Man is supposed to do is to read the rule book, say if he agrees and sign a couple of contracts that are not really important _practically_, but it's a boring twenty first century necessity. Coulson seems fine with all the paperwork though, probably for the best; he would go insane if all that managing job was no pleasure to him. How can a man even appear to like paperwork Tony doesn't know. He does everything he _has to_, as the CEO, of course, but sighing, making faces and complaining to no one in particular just all make it a bit more bearable.

Iron Man writes his signatures without taking the gloves off what gains a raised eyebrow and a curious look from the agent. His handwriting is not Tony's; it's neater, with less swirls, more artificial – more _mechanical_, no pun intended.

'So this is all?' he asks Coulson when all the papers are hidden into one of the desk's drawers. 'Or do you require anything else from me?'

'That's all. Like I told you before, we are having monthly meetings, besides any ops that might come up. I won't call you to assemble with the rest – unless it's a global crisis – until you attend at least one meeting and get to know your teammates personally. It's in eleven days. May 2nd. Monday morning. You can do that?'

'With the heads up, no problem,' Tony replies after looking at the timetable for the day, immediately displayed by JARVIS; it looks like he doesn't have a meeting or a court hearing, so it will be easy – well, that all makes sense, they are moving permanently on the 1st, so he would have a clear schedule. 'I will see you then?'

'Yes, you will,' Coulson murmurs in reply, looking with a frown at something written in an agenda-resembling item in his hands. 'I trust you will see yourself out.'

Iron Man assures him that of course, no problem, and disappears. Tony has an excellent sense of orientation so he would find the way easily, but with JARVIS help over the HUD display it's a piece of cake.

* * *

Then it's finally the first day of May and Tony, Pepper, Happy and Doc move to New York.

Doc goes separately, of course; he could go with Happy maybe, but he said he doesn't mind. It might also be the fact that Tony and his crew travel on a plane and Doc prefers good old buses, spending a full week to get to the East Coast with his stuff – two suitcases, not counting a few miscellanea that he asked Tony to take for him – and, according to what he texts Tony, it's a great time.

This is how the two of them met, too, back in mid-nineties: Tony was looking for some adventure – or maybe for some trouble, it's difficult to say – and he stopped right in the middle of a motorway that led _nowhere_ and let the hitchhiker into his million-worthy car – and they hit off immediately. Tony was fascinated – still is – by the man who shares so many of his sentiments _and_ preferred way of life that involves doing a lot of things that people would never think a Medical Doctor and an inventor-engineer-PhD-kind-of-doctor would even consider doing.

Tony has visited his apartment – well, more like one tenth of a skyscraper, there are six vast levels, mostly unused – a few times over the last weeks so it's ready to use; Pepper has her own place – they drop her off in front of the building before going to Tony's; Happy is staying with him.

'You sure?' Tony asks the man once again when the car is parked underground. 'I've got a couple more places in the city. I mean – you know how things are, you know how _I am_, you don't have to be dependent on me –'

'I want to, boss,' Happy cuts in, rolling his eyes. 'I know you can be a pain in the ass, but I also know that you can be helluva stupid when you don't control yourself, so someone's gotta watch over you.'

'I have JARVIS for that,' Tony counters, getting out of the car and moving to open the rear door to take his bags. 'He's got enough sass to nanny me into eating baby formula for breakfast, if only he decided that is what would be best for me.'

Happy snickers, making a face, and nods in agreement. That isn't that improbable.

'Okay, then you can think I want to stay here 'cause it's got the best view of all your places and when you order food, it's always the best in town.'

'That I can agree with,' Tony comments, shutting the door as everything that's been inside is balanced in his hands.

'And, so that I can gang up with JARVIS and cover for you when you're feeding your superhero ego, _Iron Man_.'

'I knew I hired you for a reason, those long years ago,' Tony concludes with a grin and pats the man's back. 'Time to go up and get some Sunday rest before we're back among the wolves,' he adds and they take the elevator straight to the top level.

* * *

The next morning is Iron Man's first team date day, though not everyone is present in the conference room at 1000 hours – Thor is still in Asgard, that's what Tony has learned from a file Coulson sent Iron Man, along with some info on the prince, since they don't know when the god will be back to introduce himself.

Spider Man in his usual costume – Tony would like to know very much what it is made of, exactly, but that's a _Tony_ thing to ask – but Banner, Romanov and Barton are in everyday clothing, Tony notes when he enters the room. Coulson greets him, sitting at the end of the table in his usual smart suit but with sleeves rolled up and no tie in sight.

'Take a place wherever you want and let's move on to introd–'

'You make us sound like an AA group,' the archer cuts in, gaining a _really, Barton?_ look from Romanov.

'– introducing Iron Man to _our protocols_, Barton, not to each other, you can shake hands afterwards. I know _you_ might be free all day but some people here actually work.'

Barton pouts and Tony snickers inside the suit, but Iron Man just takes a place two chairs away from Banner, in front of Spider Man.

'You need to give us some detail on what you can do,' Coulson tells Iron Man, taking out an engraved pen from his pocket and starting to fill out some fort. 'So that we'll know exactly how to plan the ops with and without you.'

'Of course,' Tony agrees, closing his eyes, and then recites all the data that might be important and is not revealing _too much_, and answers questions coming from all the team members – so that they might know what they can count for and how the collaboration might theoretically be like. Tony appreciates a lot the detailed and individual approach; JARVIS is transforming all the information in data and putting them in respective files straight away, to review later at home.

When they are finished, an hour and at least one cup of coffee for all but Tony later, everyone leaves the room looking tired, as if it was the evening and not eleven a.m. Coulson tell Iron Man that he will probably have his first op this month, if everything goes as planned; Iron Man nods, says _okay_ and turns around to leave, but Coulson speaks up again.

'We'd like to make it official,' he states. Tony frowns at that, but it is just to himself.

'Yes?'

'You being on the team. It would be good to be a step ahead of everyone who might want to sanction you – better not to give _the public_ reasons to judge you more than they are already starting to do. A statement coming from us, you or us and you?'

'Just you,' Tony decides. He doesn't feel like adding to his schedule more human interaction than he's already forced to deal with, even if he were to be shielded by the suit. 'I don't particularly feel like being in the spotlight like that.'

'All right,' Coulson agrees, putting the scattered papers from the table into a folder. 'I will talk with Director, out legal and PR teams and we'll do it sometime this week, I will notify you.'

'I will be waiting,' Tony replies and leaves the room, going straight to the roof to take off. He would _love_ to talk to Banner – the man is a genius and his work really is unparalleled, it would be an instant science madness – but it's so _Tony_. Maybe there will be some other opportunity in the future; Tony makes a mental note to try to persuade the doctor to come over to _consult_ one project or another for SI at some point. He just needs some good reasons there.

S.H.I.E.L.D. issues an official statement two days later, holding a small press conference – the information spreads quickly and it's all over the news when Tony comes back home after a day he spent in R&D and his office, looking at new applications for the few new posts SI is creating. At least that looks promising, the only bright moment of the boring and _rainy_ day: since SI is still having problems with public opinion and investors – Obadiah trial is _far_ from being over – there are no usual big names between the applicants, but many young _very clever_ people seem to be taking advantage of the situation. Tony understands that perfectly: they may not have much to their names, so most big companies wouldn't trust them enough, but Tony has the gift of seeing things in people and he knows that after the interviews he himself will be conducing, he _will_ find a real jewels to recruit.

So, the next few days, Tony squeezes the talks into his schedule.

'If someone doesn't have a problem with the fact that the interview will be taking place in R&D while I am looking at the results of the most recent stimulation for whatever I am to oversee today, and maybe even offer some comment or insight – that definitely isn't bad, baby,' Tony tells JARVIS when he asks if he should make space in the timetable for some uninterrupted office time for when the people come.

'I see your point, sir,' the A.I. replies, making Tony smile triumphantly.

Tony ends up filling all positions within a week, hiring three crazy men over sixty – Irvin, Berry and Gilbert – who have been friends their whole lives, but never got official education after high school; instead they have been factory workers by day and garage inventors by night, for decades. Their ideas are incredible, useful and clever and _cheap_ – Tony appreciates designs that can be almost made out of scraps, _thank_ _you_, so he immediately sends them to work with the SI branch that develops mass production items of everyday use for third world countries. The other new employees are a mixture of nine, men and women alike, and they are delegated to departments respective to their area of study and go straight to work, with motivation and avidity that is rare to be seen, what totally makes Tony's day.

* * *

On Saturday, in the middle of the month, there is another event that might end up being nice, hopefully, although Tony isn't sure if he can say successful – he doesn't know how he should measure _that_ since recently he seems to hold things to different standards than the world around.

It's a simple thing: starting a charity organization that will be taking care of orphans in the countries where US army is stationing for long-term missions – and _yes_, mostly Afghanistan. Of course Tony expects it to be a x-rayed by the media and followed by the usual comments.

There isn't even a big gala, since Tony doesn't feel like hosting one of those and he has other things to waste time and money on. There is only a relatively small meeting in the New York SI Tower, in the reception hall, and all that happens is Tony giving a speech, then sharing words and smiles with everyone around as they mingle sweetly. Tony is nursing a headache after another working Saturday that began at 4 a.m. and all he wants is to go back to sleep and don't get up for at least twelve hours, preferably three days, but when he is in the smart tailored suit, he automatically keeps his back straight and a smile plastered on his face and pretends he in enjoying himself so well that usually he is even able to believe himself.

'This is all very nice,' a woman says behind his back when Tony is pouring himself a cold coke over some ice and lemon; he turns around to see a half-familiar face, but he can't place the name. 'Loreen Baker, Daily News. The whole concept is very nice, Mister Stark.'

'Thank you, Miss Baker,' he risks a bit, but she doesn't make a face so he's guessed right.

'But,' she starts and Tony stifles a sigh, there is always some _but_. 'Isn't all this just an attempt to draw the attention away from all the problems you are experiencing, and Mister Stane's trial? The timing seems convenient.'

'Well, I don't think I would be able to draw your attention from out affair even if I tried hard, which I am not doing because I spend all my time on restructuring Stark Industries so that we won't have to fire out employees,' Tony replies sweetly, offering her a smile and feeling the headache pound in his temples. Not good at all. 'Besides, I started the process soon after I came back home after my… captivity… It only took so long to obtain all the necessary permissions and agreements, since the charity is working internationally.'

_It will be a year in a week, missy, if you don't realize,_ Tony adds silently to himself.

'That's very noble of you.'

'I try to do what I can,' Tony offers, knowing perfectly well that she will say and then write what she wants anyway, she's just the type. No real need to explain or make up excuses.

'It still seems like you are trying to buy positive opinions about yourself and your business, though, Mister Stark. You support other charities, don't you?'

'Yes, I do – but that's the keyword: _other_. I don't really care what it seems like, Miss Baker, as long as these children _there _do get the help that we intend to offer to them.'

'You've got an answer prepared for every question,' she comments, making Tony want to scream and run away. Or maybe not scream, he really needs painkillers right now.

'I'm a genius, sweetheart, I don't need to pre-prepare anything, it all comes to me naturally,' Tony replies in a low voice, takes the last sip of his coke; them he offers the woman a subtle salute and disappears into the crowd. It isn't long before the _party_ is over and Tony can finally go back home. Happy offers him an advil as soon as he gets into the Rolls Royce; the man is _truly_ a gem. Tony has managed to brush off Pepper, but Happy _always_ knows.

On Sunday morning – or early afternoon, since Tony managed to stay asleep like a baby – people don't have better things to do than gossip, apparently, and the first thing Tony sees when he asks JARVIS to turn the TV on is a celebrity gossip program in which his persona is being discussed by a team of three tall skinny brown-haired and brown-eyes women that could be triplets but are not. Apparently they came back on after advertisement break.

'What the action lacks, according to our friends who attended the event, and according to today's newspaper headers and online comments, is genuineness –'

'JARVIS, off. I've had a very informative five seconds and I don't want any more of _that_ for the rest of the day.'

'Of course, sir,' the A.I. responds and obeys, turning the TV off, the bedroom becoming blissfully quiet again.

It's been pointless to have even the slightest hope that the media will actually understand that Tony's action is _not_ aimed at buying their good words because hey, what is happening is exactly the opposite and Tony is smart enough to have predicted that. It's easier for them to ignore logic though.

'Wonder how long it's going to take before anything I do is not going to be analyzed by a horde of sensation-thirsty journalists,' Tony mutters to himself, sitting up and slowly dragging himself out of the bed. 'Probably forever.'

At least the headache is gone.

* * *

The last five days of May turn out to be busy: on 27th there is yet another court hearing where Tony is supposed to testify, so he spends a few long hours browsing the data and trying to predict what exactly might be in question this time and generally trying to _remember_ most of the situations he's going to be asked about. The problem is finding balance between knowing satisfyingly enough and not too much; he's got a _very good_ memory, not quite eidetic but not too far off, so giving a lot of details would be easy, it would only make everyone think that he's making things up. Even with the proofs, people tend to be distrustful in such situations. Tony has to agree that they might partially be right; it's difficult to understand that someone as intelligent as him could just dismiss all signs of problems for years what he _did_, he can't believe that himself.

_Time to pay for the stupidity_, he tells himself entering the court. Happy by his side as always, Pepper already waiting inside.

Tony plays the game of finding balance carefully, with skill and ease, even though it gets harder as four hour have passed, half of which was listening to testimonies he could hardly concentrate on; fortunately after a break and another hour of questioning, the judge adjourns the meeting and sets another in three weeks.

The next day is Friday and it's chemo day – normally that would be 26th, but a day before the hearing wasn't a good idea; 28th doesn't seem like a much better option, really, since it's Tony's birthday the next day, but this year there is no party planned. He hasn't even gotten _that_ many regretful messages and pleads to organize a party like he did for the last… twenty years of his life as the women _love_ those and would give their firstborn for being able to kiss Tony, not to mention do something more. Still. Even if there are fewer of them now, given Tony's stunted social life these days and his self-imposed half-reclusion after Afghanistan.

He has JARVIS send them all a message that maybe next year.

The truth is that it's his 40th birthday and for once, he doesn't want to spend the time drunk or hangover or having sex with a random cute female.

Pepper gets a day off – from her PA job, too, since it's Saturday evening and she's been working a lot recently – and Tony gives her a double ticket to a classical music concert of some quartet that JARVIS knows she likes, with a note saying: _you have always knows I prefer giving to than receiving. Have a nice evening in my name. T._

After the chemo – second last, Tony keeps reminding himself, he is feeling rather faint and slightly nauseous and spends most of the day in bed; at least no one is surprised that he's taken some days off around his birthday, not even the silliest men from of Board. He's been in SI six days a week for _months_, so he's bound to take a few days off simply for rest. It does end up being rest days, in a way.

The birthday itself is calm and funny and mellow all at the same time; Tony is still not feeling very well so there is no madness going on: it's just him, Happy and Doc eating, drinking – non-alcoholic, obviously – and sharing embarrassing and cool stories from their lives, all with some football match in the background. Tony and Happy cook the dinner, Doc brings a meringue torte from his favorite bakery where he has to drive forty minutes each way; the incredible taste is doubly appreciated.

Sunday is another lay-in day, with Happy and Doc still staying around what Tony greatly appreciates. Especially homemade waffles for breakfast that seem to satisfy the hunger he's felt as the nausea dissipated.

May 31st, Tony gets his first mission as an Avenger that is not his own – he didn't have time for more than one of those, anyway – and it is to retrieve a hostage from a hidden base in the rainforest of Brazil where he's been captured after trying to infiltrate a AIM-associated science center half a country away.

_Good it's not that far away_, Tony thinks when he suits up; there is still some lingering tiredness in his body and flying somewhere far like China or Australia wouldn't be much fun. Unless he tried to test sleeping in the suit, but that doesn't seem like a very good idea – and JARVIS would be _far_ from happy.

What would be difficult to anyone else is easy for Iron Man: all he has to do, in the end, is fly into the base, shoot a couple of bullets fire couple of tranq shots – there aren't even many guards, it's clearly only a prison-like facility, far from an actual base or headquarters – retrieve the half-conscious man, wrap him with a special heat-keeping foil and fly low over the jungle, with the body in his arms, being quick and delicate – and then arrive at an extraction point where S.H.I.E.L.D. is waiting with a medic and a helicopter twenty minutes later.

There: piece of cake if you have a flying suit equipped with the best antiradar on planet and special-technology panels that make the armor look almost invisible.

Then it's only a matter of filling out one form and a brief talk with Coulson and Iron Man is reminded that the monthly meeting is, in fact, the next day.

At 1000 hrs it's the group is already seated by the table when Iron Man arrives punctually. He takes his place, turns his _helmet_ to look at Coulson finishing his coffee, and the debrief starts. Iron Man gets praised for good work and Tony would be thankful if he weren't just tired; it makes him grin like mad anyway under the faceplate. It was a lovely thing, to go on a mission, with a purpose in his mind, not having to kill anyone or destroy anything, just – save a life. A nice change.

After a short coffee break they go back to discussing the strategy and two missions for the whole team that are slowly brewing up in the East; at 1300 hrs they are done, Iron Man disappears and Tony Stark has a _scheduled_ meeting with Pepper about the art collection and the upcoming Stark Industries Education Foundation gala. Another perfectthing to occupy mind with, Tony notes irritably.

That's it for his week off.

* * *

The gala takes place two weeks later, on Saturday, and contrary to launching the previous charity, this one is a well-established tradition that has been started by Howard back in 60s, even before Tony was born; it has always taken place in the same building, hosting over 500 guests, and it's tiring to even think about it, but – not a good moment to break a tradition right now. Pepper and her team have been working on organizing the monster for half a year.

Tony puts on a slim-fitted navy blue suit with a creamy shirt, a burgundy tie – with a perfect self-tied Eldredge knot – and matching burgundy shoes; it's half because he can and half because eccentricity is what is expected of him.

The gala starts at seven but given that some guests, some _stars_, are bound to appear fashionably late, Tony's opening speech isn't until 2000 hrs.

'I would like to welcome you at forty eighth annual Stark Industries Education Foundation gala,' he starts finally and all the noises cease immediately; it's fascinating and discontenting at the same time, being on the stage in front of all those people; sure, it's something Tony has always been used to – been trained for, too – but it feels particularly unsettling this time.

Last year he hasn't been to the gala; it's was only a short time after he came back from Afghanistan; he didn't even watch it on TV.

So, being followed by hundreds of scrutinizing eyes tracing his every movement, waiting for a mistake, commenting on his words, especially when he's up on the scene in front of all of them – it makes him just unsafe. As if someone was going to notice the arc reactor and ask, strike, fucking hurt him; as if someone was going to notice a crack under his perfect mask's surface and he'd be _exposed_; as if someone was going to figure out his two big secrets and he'd have to deal with that, too, ah – but he's obsessing _again_.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

'I was not present at the gala last year,' Tony says; it's strange that all those thoughts flicked through his mind so quickly, he apparently didn't even appear to be staring into space; Pepper or Happy or JARVIS would scold him. 'You all know the reason and it's not what I intent to talk about today – but it is where something new has started for me, for Stark International and hopefully for all of us. You must recall what I said during the first press conference: _I had my eyes opened. I came to realize that I have more to offer this world than just making things that blow up_,' Tony recites. There is a small wave of giggles and a few comments raising from the crowd, so he nods and flashes them a smile. 'I am now – and I will be – paying for my ignorance and stubbornness that's been going on for years before my eyes were opened: that is what you can see in the news these days, or read about. But this is not something I want to talk about today, either,' he makes a pause letting the crowd share a few words before it falls silent again; he's not in hurry. 'There are many things that can be done – that need to be done – to improve the world around us and I believe that we, who have the means to do it, are _obliged_ to make things happen. It is out obligation to ourselves, to our children, to our country and to our world to provide the young ones with the possibility of education and using all of their skills and abilities, as it is not us that will change the world – well, it might be _me_, but not most of you, pardon my honesty –' a wave of laughter, Pepper shakes her head in disbelief like she always does, Happy stifles laughter, Tony can see, '– and that is the Education Foundation's goal, to reach out to the kids that _want to –_ but are not invited to play. We have hired, recently, nine incredible people, all too young to be regarded seriously by most employers and probably most of you, some of them without a college degree yet that we will help them obtain. And yet I am sure that putting my future in theirs hands has been the best of all choices. The enthusiasm and the new approach that they all show – from kids to young adults – is something that we all should learn. Therefore, in the light of recent events, I would like to ask you to leave behind your grudges and irrational problems,' there is a murmur raising among the audience, but Tony's voice is stronger. 'And all I would like to ask you is this: spend one evening thinking about what I say here now. Just one. And if you decide that I am right – which you should feel morally obliged to do, at least as long as you are here, availing yourselves of Stark International and my personal hospitality,' laughter again, more than consternation, _good_, ' – if you decide that I am right, do your best to help out one kid. There is about five hundred of you, unless we've got some unannounced guests, so it's that many kids that we could support. Last year, the Foundation helped – I have memorized the exact number here – one thousand nine hundred ninety seven kids. Tonight, all I want to ask form you is _not _ money donations to the Foundation, you know I've got enough, but it is to give one kid a chance. And nothing should make us happy but that. So, for now, thank you and again, welcome!' Tony finishes, bows deeply, waves at the crowd – they seem rather happy and moderate, not too bad for these days – and then he walks off the scene.

'You were _great_, boss,' Happy offers, handing Tony a bottle of water; it always is so hot with all the strong light trained on you.

'You might be the only one who thinks that,' Tony sighs, finishes the water quickly and adjusts his tie. 'Shall we?' he asks Pepper, offering her an arm, she rolls her eyes but takes it and, leaving Happy to observe from the shade, they step into the crowd.

* * *

The next morning Iron Man is called in at 0400 hrs to help Hawkeye and Black Widow with a _situation_ involving a woman from top 20 of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s wanted list who has been sighted in Chicago, of all places – she has somehow managed to mislead everyone into thinking she was in Europe. Tony doesn't dwell on that too much, though, most of his thoughts circle around _thank heavens it's Sunday_ because he has a few important meetings the next day and making decisions between Iron Man and Tony Stark is something he's happy to avoid for as long as possible.

The mission is simple: catch the woman and hand her over to S.H.I.E.L.D. alive; it turns out to be easier than expected with Iron Man's input, mostly because when Widow and Hawkeye incapacitate the woman's bodyguards, all that Tony has to do is grab her and take off – and no one can follows him straight up in the sky.

'Eeesy,' Tony sings-songs to himself when they are done before noon and mostly because S.H.I.E.L.D. insisted on waiting for the most opportune moment; it was full two hours before Coulson called it. 'Could do that every single day,' he adds when the suits is unwrapping around him. 'Which number was she again?'

'20, sir,' JARVIS replies promptly, already running hot water in the bathroom.

'That bastard,' Tony laughs, shaking his head in disbelief. 'He said top 20, I didn't think it was the lame end of top 20. But okay. Better than nothing…' he keeps talking as he undressed and then jumps into the bath full of pleasantly warm water. 'Music, J.'

A soft rock ballads immediately starts to pour seemingly from nowhere: the A.I. always knows perfectly what Tony's in mood for.

After the bath and lunch Tony goes down to the mini workshop that he has here in the apartment; his big lab is in the SI building a few blocks away. What he has here is mostly computers, holo-screens and, in a well-hidden room, three Iron Man suits, a couple of spare arc reactors and some parts, just in case.

Before Tony starts to actually do something, he asks J to turn on the TV on the main screen as he prepares himself a cup of coffee – as soon as he hears the voices he knows it's the three brunettes _again_.

'JARVIS, baby, are you trying to give me a heart attack or make me shoot myself? Or is this _purely accidental, sir_?' Tony whines and pouts at the nearest camera. JARVIS, wisely, doesn't reply until Tony takes a sip of his coffee.

'They just seem to summarize the opinions about yesterday's gala pretty well, sir. And they give a rather comprehensive overview, even if somehow narrow-minded.

'Comprehensive narrow-mindedness? You're reaching new levels of absurd, J, watch out… How does that work?' Tony adds, sitting in the comfortable armchair by the main desk, legs hugging his chest, touching the arc reactor softly.

'They seem to present all three popular opinions about you.'

'Me? Not the gala?'

'They seem to think the gala was you,' JARVIS offers and Tony snickers into the cup.

'So?'

'The first is: you continue the noble tradition that has been established by Stark International all those years ago and focuses on the young people you have mentioned; this one is the least common. The second is: you did all that to keep people's mind away from the fact that SI is a falling empire to fool everyone into believing that by the new influence of young people you could still fix the company and therefore trick people into making a specific business decisions. The third, most popular, is that you're trying to simply buy the good grace of the public, since you are still suspected of collaborating with Mister Stane. It isn't as much about SI as it is about you yourself, sir.'

'What a beautiful fucking life, J,' Tony sighs and finished the coffee in two big gulps. 'Is there_ anything_ I could do without them bitching about me on TV?'

'I am sure something –'

'Don't, baby,' just _don't_,' Tony stops the A.I. and then gets up. 'Tell Happy to go up if he can, I _need to_ spar with him, let out some steam… I can't believe they are all so moronic,' Tony murmurs as he climbs up the stairs.

Happy meets him in the gym five minutes later.

'Give me all you've got, I'm a bit _mad_ right now,' Tony says before getting onto the ring. Happy nods – no need to explain what it's about – and then they get started.

* * *

June 26th is Tony's last chemo and a meeting with the doctors the next afternoon.

'So, that's it?' he asks Doc and Samski after the CT and blood tests they've done seem perfectly clean and there is no indication that something might be wrong.

'Yes. We need to meet every two months, for now. We usually do that less often, but you know how it is with health services…'

'Yup. I've got money to pay, I can demand things.'

'Exactly, yes, I wish I could do that with everyone, but… Never mind. Now, the best thing you can go is stay as healthy as possible, but I know you eat well and have exercise and all that, you don't smoke, no weight to lose – I still think you could put some on, you know it – so what can I say. Keep an eye open on any signs at all that something might be wrong and give me a call if _anything_ happens.'

'All right,' Tony agrees with a smile. That's easy.

'I'll be going then,' Samski says as he stands up. 'There are a few things I wanted to do in the city before my flight back. Well. Good luck, Stark.'

'Thank you, Doctor,' Tony replies, shaking the man's hand. 'For all this.'

'Sure. Now, gentlemen, have a nice day,' the man says and disappears in the corridor. Tony closes the door after him and sits on the armchair in front of Doc's.

They stay in silence for a few long moments, nothing but remote muffled voices audible form the corridor, mixed with the softest buzz of electricity present in every building with fake light and air conditioning turned on.

'So, it's really gone?' Tony asks again, breaking the silence, his voice sounding somehow drowning within the calmness of the yellow-colored sunny afternoon. It all feels to surreal.

'Yes, Tony. You are okay now – as much as someone with a personal with a peak-of-modern-science-powered thing in their chest might be… How has it been, by the way?'

'I boxed with Happy _a lot _the other day. Believe me, if I didn't, I would have done something stupid. Blown something up or something… Anyway. It hurt a bit afterwards, but nothing more than usual. I'm more used to it, it's… a constant slightest ache, more like an awareness of the thing in my chest than anything else. It's healing every day, even after all this time. Well, that, and Happy knows how to throw a punch without breaking the trinket,' Tony adds, tapping on the invisible reactor. Doc laughs shortly.

'You really should try some other things and not just boxing, kid,' he comments, looking at Tony questioningly even though he knows the answer.

'I do and it's all okay but when I am angry, it's the best way to let it go, you know.'

'What made you so angry then?'

'Just the usual? Stupid people? The media?' Tony asks rhetorically, sighing with resignation. 'I guess I was foolishly hoping, against my better judgment, that hosting a ball like every fucking year and giving millions to disadvantaged kids for their education because they are crazy smart and deserve it and the will _really_ change this shithole – I thought they would have nothing to find fault with. But apparently the whole gala was my selfish what-ev-er, I don't want to remember the exact words.'

'And you thought you knew better than to listen to those words.'

'I do know better,' Tony says, emphasizing the _do_ and giving Doc a long look. 'I thought I would say _fuck_ _them_ and forget, but it just – made me annoyed. And disappointed. I know that the SI mess is partially my fault –'

'You know what your real fault is?' Doc cuts in, leaning forward to be closer to Tony.

'What?'

'You are a terrible judge of a character – don't make that face – when it comes to people that you anyhow care about. Just be honest, you are amazing with lots of things, but when someone gets closer to you, you have no idea what to do and you feel terrible when you think bad of them or when you don't trust them fully even if they didn't deserve it. Do I need to remind you all the names or –'

'Nah, I get it,' Tony admits. What Doc says _is _true and it applies to the man himself, even; Tony hates judging people who are close to him, starting with Pepper and going back to Tony's first serious girlfriends. It's because he has been judged himself all his life, and talked down a lot, mostly by Howard, and he still wouldn't want other people to feel the same way he did for so many years. _Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you._

'So, we go celebrate to a bar?' Doc asks after a few more minutes of silence.

'Somehow I don't feel like celebrating,' Tony replies, making an apologetic face. He should feel like it, he knows, it's only logical, but he's still tired because of all the work – another round of 72 working hours a week; he's not in top condition after the chemo yet, too, so all he wants is to get some good food, have JARVIS play him a movie, and rest.

Especially as the next day begins with 8 a.m. R&D meeting.

'Pizza?'

'You won't leave me alone?'

'If I do, you'll get drunk 'cause you're in the mellow mood today and that never ends well, and I know Happy is out of town for the day with Pepper – right? And you don't want to be hung-over at work tomorrow.'

'No, I guess I don't,' Tony agrees.

'So, pizza from Lombardi's, root beer and some terrible action movie?'

'It's a mellow day,' Tony repeats the man's words with an obvious smirk, standing up. 'We need something more subtle… I think a _robotic horror thing_, like you call them, will do.'

* * *

The first day of the month, as always, marks an Avenger's meeting and it's the most interesting thing that happens for over three weeks.

There is no mission for Iron Man for the moment; it seems that even superheroes – and supervillains – have some time off for summer holidays, Tony comments to himself. It's not something Iron Man, who appears to be rather composed and rational, at least for the moment, would say.

July therefore passes between court and SI tower where Tony is personally overseeing several R&D projects and working on his own. His own lab back at home is not completely satisfying and he'd need a few more months, at least, to even consider working in Howard's workshop in the 5th Avenue Mansion; it would be just too fucking distracting and Tony doesn't have time for detractions, even with Pepper's increasing help with all the organizing part of his CEO work. Sure, he has _professionals_ to help him with things, but they don't understand him, it's just another set of people who don't _get him_ on the most basic levels. And firing them now to look for someone else would be too much of a revolution with all the mess they already have to deal with.

At the end of the month there is one event Tony has been waiting for anxiously: it's a _private_ meeting in a children's hospital where SI Medical has been donating experimental medical equipment for testing in real life conditions.

There are a few kids with cancer there, he knows, and he probably shouldn't have some feelings about it, but he does. Not that he can show any of them; he can't even tell the kids he understands and can't explain _why_, because come on, these are children and even if they don't want to tell the secret, they might do so anyway.

Tony and Pepper arrive at the hospital at noon and one of the nurses comes to greet them. They meet with the hospital's manager first, but it's mostly pleasantries and promises – and praises, the personnel is highly satisfied with how the equipment has been working. That brings a smile to Tony's face and he has wears it for the rest of the day and it's not even fake.

Then it's time to visit the kids and see the famous _real life conditions. _It's two hours of walking from room to room, greeting kids and chit-chatting with them and Tony is – surprising everyone but Pepper who has known that for a long time – really good with kids. They appreciate a lot that he doesn't lie; honesty is highly valued, especially in their life situations.

'Mama said you were in a hospital, too,' one six or seven-year-old girl states, eying Tony mistrustfully. 'You don't look sick,' she says accusingly in the end.

'I'm not sick now,' Tony says. It's not a lie at all. He smirks internally. _It isn't_. 'I was a bit sick and there was no doctor where I was for some time so I got a bit more sick, but I'm okay now. I've been lucky,' Tony replies. There. It's all truth, too.

'So what do you do now?' she asks and Tony blinks, trying to figure out her logic, but he can't find the right connection. She seems to notice that though. 'Mama says I will go to school when I am not sick.'

'Oh, I go to work,' Tony replies, nodding in understanding. He is fully aware of the few other people staring at him – the adults, he can be almost sure they have seen enough TV to know what's going on exactly, but no one feels it's necessary to mention it, thank heavens.

There are several more kids he talks to and when they are finished, he manages to talk Pepper into a late lunch in one of their favorite bistros.

Everything seems fine and Tony is so pleased with the time he could spend away from the scandals, the problems, the people talking, everyone arguing, everyone being silly and petty and pointless. He appreciates even the time away from his machines – no matter how much he loves them, he just sometimes needs a break.

He tries not to appear overly happy with the whole thing, anything uncharacteristic would be easily noticed by Pepper and would end in questions and even if Tony doesn't have _that_ much to hide at the moment, it wouldn't end well is she was too suspicious.

Then, a few days later, _of course_ one of the parents – there is no finding out which one, they asked to remain anonymous, not that Tony would actually do something to them if he knew – talks to press and tell them about Tony Stark's visit and the whole _buying people_ thing comes back twice as vicious and Tony doesn't really care _what_ they say about him, but he cares about the fact that suddenly, he's basically harassed for comments everywhere he goes; talked about everywhere, all the time. He is too tired for that shit and he doesn't know why it's so blown out of proportion; it's like he's the media's favorite prey now _and_ there is nothing else to write about because it's the middle of summer. Dead season.

Tony isn't sure if he is feels more resigned or angry about the whole situation.

Probably resigned.

* * *

**A/N: **Part 2 tomorrow :)

Please let me know if you liked it, I will be very very thankful for feedback! Hardly anyone has commented this story so I don't even know if you're enjoying it &I wonder if I managed to get you anyhow intrigued... :)


	4. Disintegration of Anthony Stark part 2

**Disintegration of Anthony Stark (part 2)**

So, the last day of July, it's Monday, Tony goes to R&D and does his work for the day _quickly_, without even looking at the projects that he could start early. Instead he goes home, takes a bottle of his best bourbon – doesn't matter if he will regret it in the morning – goes down to the library room that he rarely uses yet it's equipped with everything he needs – a computer, holo screens and JARVIS. Well, those three are in every single room of the apartment, including bathrooms, but – it's early afternoon and the sun is shining straight into the room and it's just nice. The place full of books and big potted plants, creating a calm, fuzzy atmosphere that fits Tony's mood perfectly.

'JARVIS, I need you to access a file we've saved a few days after I woke you up – code tango tango lisa tango zero zero five oh one. Got it?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Open. Show me the data on the screen,' Tony orders, sitting on the fluffy carpet, taking a generous swig of bourbon before setting the bottle on the floor; one of the good things about being off meds: no one will screen your drinking habits. Not that Tony particularly wants to _have _a habit, but honestly, he hasn't been drunk for over a year, high time to remedy that.

The screen is embedded into one of the walls, so JARVIS simply uses the bottom part of it that Tony can see without a problem. The data is displayed within a few seconds; JARVIS takes him time to filter it and make it nice and easy to read.

'You haven't accessed the file in a long time,' JARVIS comments when Tony takes another swallow of the alcohol and makes a face at the A.I.

'Didn't need to go undercover for a long time,' Tony replies even though the reason is obvious to both him and JARVIS. 'Everything updated?'

'Physical documents, no, but all records online, yes.'

'Read it to me, J,' Tony asks and leans back to lay on the floor, the bourbon bottle still in his hand but he's careful not to spill it; the stuff is too good even for Tony Stark to just let it splash on the floor. 'Just the basic basics, updated to today.'

'Nate Rives,' JARVIS starts, his voice as flat as always, making Tony smirk. His creation is perfect. '37. British resident, born on September 1st 1974. Home-schooled Self-taught. Has been working in IT and programming since his twentieth birthday, always via internet; troubled childhood, left his home at that age and never came back, changing his name to the present one. Currently resident of a small London flat near Regent's Park, working from home.'

'Redact the file to state he's been mute since he was a kid, I don't want questions, and just in case – you know. That should work. Voice is one of the recognizable things I can't quite change, unless permanently… Done?'

'Done, sir. Will you require physical documents?'

'Make note for British passport, I guess, and driving license – for later. Nothing now… Bank accounts?'

'Like you set up, sir.'

'Perfect, baby,' Tony murmurs, sitting up a bit, taking a few big gulps of the alcohol and hugging the bottle to his chest. He's not drunk – not yet, at least, not eve tipsy enough. 'I want you to find a place – make it an group home, 'kay? Donate 5,000. Make sure it's used wisely, will ya?'

'Of course, sir. All in the name –'

'Well, obviously,' Tony cuts in, rolling his eyes. 'You can tell them we can meet sometime, but it's impossible to say when exactly. I – I don't know when – if – I will do that out there, in real, there would certainly be issues… You know it all, J.'

'I do, sir,' the A.I. admits.

'Now, lights down to 30% and play me some movie good for the occasion,' Tony orders, and that is exactly what happens.

* * *

In the morning, Tony does recall what he's been doing most of the evening and remembers perfectly what he did before he managed to get smashed: he is half expecting to turn on the TV to the news saying that Tony Stark is making charitable donations under a fake name, or something like that.

It doesn't happen though; no one connects Nate and Tony, there is no reason for anyone to do so; none at all. No fucked up situation to deal with first thing in the morning, then, Tony could get used to that. There is this amazing freedom in doing whatever he wants without being judged, without questions, without analyzing his every movement, every word, every gesture.

Nate is just a random citizen and – nothing more.

Tony watches the donation being processed by the bank just after 0800 and when it's all done, he calls Christine Everhart and tells her that he will agree to an individual interview as long as she won't be asking about things Tony doesn't want to talk about. That might be difficult, despite her declaration and promise. Tony knows the temptation is huge.

'Let's pick a date in about two weeks, Miss Everhart, so that we both can find some time and prepare – and I want to read your proposed list of topics by that time, would that be okay with you? We will go somewhere from there.'

'Yes, Mister Stark,' she assures him, voice excited, Tony can tell. She's always been… the _enthusiastic_ one.

'How does Sunday 13th work for you?'

'Good. You choose what fits you, Mister Stark. I work on all days of the week, depending on the need, it can be a weekday or a weekend day… 13th is perfect.'

'Please come to by house – you know where it is. Whenever you feel like, as for the hour, just let me know. I'll be home all day.'

'That will be perfect,' Christine repeats, says goodbye and hangs up. Tony sighs into the now-silent phone.

'Got something for the hangover, babe?'

'Dummy has indeed – under my supervision – made _the_ smoothie for you. It should lessen the nausea and the problems with hydration and nourishment…'

'I know this all by heart, J, it's my own invention,' Tony sighs. 'Now, make Dummy move quicker 'cause it's the 1st_… _I need to talk to my _team_ in that meeting and it would be nice to relieve the _symptoms_ a bit and give me some energy to act.'

'Of course, sir,' JARVIS agrees politely for once. 'Shall I get the suit ready?'

'Mark IV,' Tony decides and takes the glass from Dummy, patting his head.

By the time the suit is ready – a few moments – Tony has drank all of his shake and is putting on some more comfortable clothes to wear under the armor.

It's just seven minutes flight to the HQ and as soon as Tony steps into the conference room – two minutes before time – everyone seems to be there already.

_Must try ten minutes earlier, _he muses._ I wonder if they are here so early because they basically live here, or if it's just a routine._

'We have two missions for you this month,' Coulson tells him as soon as the doors are closed.'One solo, one with the team, everyone but Hulk is in. Doctor Banner,' the agent continues, nodding to Banner who offers him a small shy smile, 'he will continue his usual research, we don't have need to his particular skill set a this time.'

'Of course,' Iron Man replies, but the understanding in Tony's real voice is lost on the computerized one. 'Now, tell me what those missions are about,' he adds, readying himself for an onslaught of information – and he is not disappointed.

It's all so – exciting. Knowing your reasons and acting upon them, doing the right things… It almost feels, to Tony, like paying back, though it's a bit different between Tony Stark and Iron Man. Tony kind of wishes he could just leave SI behind and do superheroing 24/7 all year round, but he knows he has responsibilities towards _ thousands _of people. Nothing could be simple.

The first mission is the solo one, simple and quick when you can fly as easily as Iron Man can: the point is to retrieve an item that has been stolen from a S.H.I.E.L.D.'s research facility by some AIM spin-off organization of mutants living in the Antarctic. Normally, it would take a rather long time to do what Iron Man can do within half a day, especially that he doesn't need to be careful: when he is safe with the thing – it has something to do with opening portals to other dimensions, Tony is _dying_ to know, but again, asking for details would be out of character – S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to destroy the base from the air – destroy it completely. Those guys have apparently created enough mess for a lifetime and Fury is not the most patient of all men.

'You are the most mobile of the people I can chose from,' Coulson tells Tony during the debrief; Tony knows that it's one of Iron Man's greatest abilities – and he just plain _loves_ flying. There are very few things he likes as much as being in the air, feeling free, bring away from everything; knowing that it all can happen thanks to his own hands' work only makes it sweeter.

So, on Tuesday Tony Stark leaves work early, taking an afternoon off, the one meeting he had scheduled moved to the next week, and Iron Man flies to the Arctic, steals back the small object and then watches from the air, at a safe distance, how the whole complex blows up. The place seemed big, but there were only six people, Tony knows; JARVIS scanned it during the flight. Tony has seen those men when he flew inside – he has read their files – it's _good_ that they are dead.

Iron Man quickly flies to the base, deposits the item into the safety of director Fury's hands, and disappears.

Tony is too excited to sleep after the mission so he spends all night in the small workshop, analyzing projects waiting for his approval and reading reports – his usual office hours job – so that in the morning, after breakfast and generous serving of coffee, he can go straight to R&D and do the part – the only part – of his job that he really enjoys.

* * *

Christine comes on 13th, at 1100 hrs, wearing a blazer, shiny blouse underneath, skin-tight black jeans and awfully high heels, sporting a radiating smile that can't hide her practiced curiosity when she, not so subtly, looks around more than she looks at Tony when he leads her to the library; it seems like a good place for a meeting. Dummy is waiting there with drinks and snacks. She's met the bot before and wrote about him rather sweetly, not exactly common so Tony can appreciate that, even if the rest of the article was… annoying, that's the best word.

But then, it's been long time since Tony's last interview – not for a scientific magazine and about scientific subjects _exclusively _– that wasn't at least mildly annoying.

'There hasn't been a proper interview with you, Mister Stark, since you came back from Afghanistan,' she starts as they are seated by a small round table, steaming cups of coffee waiting; JARVIS remembers the journalist's favorite, of course.

'I thought we were on first name basis the last time we met, _Christine_,' Tony comments, raising an eyebrow. 'But yes. I didn't feel like there was much to talk about – much that you all needed to know. Some things should be kept personal.'

'That hasn't been your policy before, _Tony_.'

'Well, what can I say but _people change_ – don't tell me people were naïve enough to think they knew everything about me… You just didn't know what you didn't know, so you accepted what you did know as the whole truth – and with Afghanistan happening, you suddenly knew you were missing a big chunk of my life story.'

'If I ask what exactly happened there, will you tell me the truth?'

'You've just asked,' Tony laughs drily, gaining Christine's smile and an expectant look. 'I don't particularly feel like sharing my memories, I am sure you can deduct why, but I will tell you a few things,' Tony declares, drinking some of the coffee and putting a mini caramel tart into his mouth.

Then he answers the few questions they have agreed on via email before the meeting; it wasn't really necessary, but Tony wanted some time to… figure out the right wording. Using the right words is nothing but a safety precaution when you deal with people like Christine – especially given that Tony doesn't feel like having sex with her afterwards, what is surely going to be a surprise.

'So, what can you tell me about Obadiah Stane?' she asks when Tony is done with the three censored and carefully described Afghanistan stories.

'I'm sure you are looking for something sensational – but I am not sure I can give you that,' Tony says, leaning back in the chair. 'There has been no difference as to how he has been before and after. The only reason why I even found out something was really wrong in SI was because I have been looking for some records regarding our arms' shippings that were stopped when I came back. It was my intention to go over all the contract personally even though our legal team took care of the formalities.'

'So, you _knew _something was wrong, or you just found out by accident?' Christine asks to clarify before taking a sip of the coffee.

'I found out. I think Stane was a bit less careful, with me out of the picture – I haven't been around SI until that confrontation with him, so it was almost nine month of a rather… free reign. For him. I just wanted to check one contract's details and there was an encrypted file in the folder – and it went on from there.'

'That must have felt terrible,' Christine comment and Tony nods honestly, but says nothing. 'And now, you are?...'

'Now, I am trying my best at re-establishing Stark International's leading market position because no matter what Stane did, there have been a lot of great things we've been working on over the years, with both private and military funding, before you ask. Most of the things we've been doing to aid countries battling with hunger – like out intelli-crops – military founding, sweetheart,' Tony says, offering her a radiant smile. Christine smiles back and nod to herself. It means exactly nothing to Tony, could be good, but probably is bad; everything seems to end up _unfavorably_, at least.

'Can you tell me more about what SI is doing now?' she asks and Tony breathes in relief; it's nice to be asked about something serious once, even if they are bound to approach the subject of Tony's new social life habits because Christine _is_ from Vanity Fair and not Harvard Business Review.

It takes Tony almost half an hour to say everything he wanted to say – Christine even appears interested, what a success – and then Tony asks JARVIS to have some lunch sent to them. Of course the talk finally has to be about girls and Tony's _social_ _reclusion_, how she calls it.

'It doesn't automatically mean that nothing is happening in my life, _baby_, only because you don't know that,' Tony tells hers, taking off his tie. There are some scenes he still needs to act in. 'Do you mind?'

She shakes her head for no and takes the mug with green tea into her hands, observing Tony like a predator.

'I've been particularly busy these days, I am sure you can understand. I try to keep SI adrift, what is a bit tough these days with the things the media say about us, well, and me, an apparent collaborator and a liar – you know, it's almost sweet how naïve it all is – but of course I could have expected that. Good publicity easily turns into bad publicity and people love the bad one much more, they thrive on scandals and problems and have no regard for reality. But you are a journalist, you know it very well,' Tony adds, offering her another smile but she doesn't look apologetic at all, not that Tony would expect that. 'I am doing both my CEO job and Obie's job at the moment, as well as acting as the head of R&D and working with them on several projects. Between court meetings and taking care of my… personal affairs. I don't have much time for anything, hence the meeting on Sunday.'

'Trying to gain the pity of the readers?'

'Trying to make. Things. Straight,' Tony drawls, stretching his legs in front of him. 'I am a scientist and I despise speculation. I stand by facts and facts only and as long as something is an object of _research_, I don't talk about it as if it were the one and only truth. And that's what you and colleagues have been doing, regarding the court case.'

'So, the whole fault is journalists' now?' she asks, cocking her head and frowning a bit; Tony can feel her anticipation for an answer that would fit her story, but he can't be bothered to analyze her right now.

'No,' Tony says firmly and she blinks, frowning even more. 'No. It's only my fault of thinking the world is a nice place and believing in people unconditionally. It was a kid's behavior and it was irresponsible as hell. _Stupid_ as hell. Now I've gotta make up for that. If not to the public opinion, which I do care about but not enough to bother with trying get things straight with you all, it's impossible, then with my employees and their families whose lives often depend on my decisions. The worst thing that could happen – just please, Christine, baby, don't cut this line out – is Stark International falling, what the popular papers and etc. seem to want, seem to support at least, and it would end in the whole country being in a big trouble as we're one of the biggest companies around. Your personal opinions, dear readers, don't matter so much here and I realize I'm sounding like an asshole to a lot of you no. Given who you all consider me to be, you will probably think is a lie, but – _it's not about me. _I'm a genius, I _could_ be billionaire without the company, but it's not what I want.'

There isn't much more talking after that. Christine has already asked all of her questions so after a few minutes of talking – Tony is fully aware she's expecting an invitation to stay for the night – she realizes it's all she can have, Tony's words, and leaves after a quick goodbye.

Tony pours himself a generous serving of scotch, drinks it in four gulps, puts on a coat – it's raining – and walks to SI tower; it's just a few minutes away on foot. In his personal workshop, he spends the rest of the day and most of the night working on overdue upgrades to the suit that he couldn't find time for these last few weeks.

* * *

The middle of the month marks first follow-up checkup with Samski; it doesn't take long and everything seems perfectly fine. The news makes Tony feel like he can finally relax a bit.

The new kind of relaxing technique is taking part in a S.H.I.E.L.D.; Tony _loves_ the thrill, the sense of purpose, the freedom, the actions that have actual visible outcomes, contrary to most of his frustrating everyday CEO-ing.

The mission is three days in Africa in order to capture half a dozen terrorists from a local group that S.H.I.E.L.D. has been tracking for months now. Spending such a long time with other people is not something Tony has done under new circumstances, but it's exactly that he's been working on at nights: taking care of all the bodily needs while in the suit because Tony is _not_ risking anyone even suspecting who is inside the Iron Man armor.

It all ends up with the terrorists captured, Hulk making an appearance, Hawkeye with a sprained ankle and lots of bruises because he's been acting like his usual self, and Coulson getting mad over the comm; Tony _loves_ how his calm, emotionless and steady voice, interrupted by random static noises, can bear such strength and conviction; he can feel the hairs in his neck raise when the agent hisses his commands.

The rest of the team stays in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Congo base as Iron Man attends a debrief, submits his report and flies back to the U.S. There are meetings that can't wait for Tony Stark.

The first thing he does, though, when he is back in New York – mostly because it's 2200 hrs local time – is make food, sit in the office and look over a letter he – well, Nate Rives – has received from Riverside Group Home, thanking for his donation and listing how the funds have been used. Satisfied with the outcome, Tony folds the letter and puts it back into the envelope.

'J?'

'Yes, sir?'

'Make another 5,000 donation. Make it pending standing donation, I will confirm after the next report form them, if it's satisfying.'

'Request fulfilled, sir. Donation status: processing. The monthly donation pending review.'

'Perfect, baby,' Tony replies, sighing and massaging his temples, trying to soothe the headache building up in his temples. 'Let's have some fun with sleeping in a real bed,' he tells himself, goes up to the bedroom and falls asleep without as much as taking all his clothes off.

* * *

The interview comes out in September issue what Tony thought would be rather impossible but apparently when it comes to _Tony Stark_, anything can happen.

It's… not as bad an Tony could have expected, but it's typical Christine style – what means the usual _educated,_ middle-class targeted media style that Tony isn't a big fan of, but he's not a fan of lots of things when it comes to PR. At least she didn't change his words or the context anywhere, so whatever the comments about the interview are refers to the _real Tony_.

Coulson doesn't have any job planned for the month – something could always happen of course – so he tells Iron Man that it would be good, probably, if he did two or three of the trips everything started with: S.H.I.E.L.D. has been monitoring activities in the Middle East and it seems like there are a few places there that still use SI arms.

'I will be very happy to,' Iron Man says, losing Tony's voice's firm conviction when filtered through the helmet.

* * *

Soon comes another letter from the Riverside, together with a statement of how the second donation was spent; Tony is happy with what they've been doing.

'Confirm the standing donation, J,' he tells the A.I. 'I wish I could give them more, come on, these people are so – genuine.'

'I would look suspicious, sir,' JARVIS says and Tony nods.

'I know, baby. We need to lay low, lay low for now, and I will think of something later maybe… Let's move on to test flight with the new repulsors for now,' Tony changes the subject, putting the last piece of a sandwich into his mouth and standing up to put on the armor.

'Everything ready, sir,' JARVIS replies. Tony nods and lets the suit wrap around his body.

It's an incredible feeling to be a superhero.

* * *

After the second trip to Iraq Iron Man comes to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ for a debrief but Coulson is in an emergency meeting with Fury and WSC, so he has to wait. Tony took a day off for the mission – he left on Sunday, came back today in morning – so he doesn't have anywhere to run to in the afternoon.

He is using his time waiting in the usual conference room for work: JARVIS shows his some specs on the HUD display and Tony comments and tells the A.I. what to mark red for further inspection.

After a few minutes someone steps into the room and it's not Coulson – it's Banner who seems to freeze in half-movement when he notices Iron Man standing by the window, appearing to be looking out onto the lovely view of New York in early afternoon sun.

'Come on, don't mind me,' Iron Man says; Tony wants to add _I'm not gonna bite_ or something like that. He wants to talk with Banner about the man's work, the things he did before the Hulk and what he is doing now for S.H.I.E.L.D. – apparently as a part of the team working on dimensional travel besides his study on radiation. But he doesn't.

'Thank you,' the man says and closes the door behind himself.

'I know you came because I am here,' Iron Man states, turning around to face the man who shuffles his feet a bit and tries to look completely innocent. He's doing pretty well, with his cute curly hair and the small smile. 'Anything particular you wanted?'

'I'm not sure?' Banner more asks that states, running a hand through his hair and coming up to the table to sit by it. 'I mean, you know, you fascinate me, in a way…'

'Oh?'

'You certainly are a self-made hero, right? I mean, I've read your file which is almost completely empty prior to when you started to work with us in the Avengers, but it says you are, according to your own words, just a man under the suit.'

'Yes. I am just a man underneath, but I'm not the only one, right? Hawkeye is nothing more than a human, no radiation, no mutations, no strange serums, no nothing…'

'Sometimes I wonder,' Banner says with a sigh. 'I don't know, it's just that I can't stop wondering who you are in real life –'

'Do you know who Spider Man is?' Tony cuts in; he himself doesn't have an idea but then he's never really looked for an answer.

'I know he's a scientist,' Banner replies and Tony's eyebrows raise, but Iron Man remains unmoving. 'He told me that,' Banner continues, playing with a min Rubik's cube he produced seemingly from nowhere. 'Of course, I don't have any reason to believe him because it's only his words, but he doesn't have any reason to lie to me, either. He could lie to S.H.I.E.L.D. maybe, but he trusts me more than I feel comfortable with.'

'You have a charming personality,' Tony tells the man and it's the truth; Banner is self-conscious and shy at times, but painfully clever and witty much more often. He always looks innocent and self-contained, but Tony knows he loves verbal sparring with Spider Man and playing stupid video games with Barton; he is sure they don't know that he knows, though. They have all been a team for some time before he came aboard and most of them live in the same building, so there is something alike friendship there; Iron Man is somewhere in the background, at distance, and it's Tony's choice, too. He doesn't trust himself enough to act convincingly around people he would call _friends_.

That's the thing Doc keeps reminding him: he changes his attitude too much when it comes to people he cares about a lot. So better prevent it and stay cautious.

He can't do anything that would make people anyhow connect Iron Man and Tony Stark.

Banner laughs at the comment – well, it's more of a cackle what Tony decides is incredible.

'You might be the only one to say that.'

'I think both you and Hulk charming personalities, even if the other guy isn't fond of anything much, well, other than Hawkeye,' Iron Man offers and JARVIS makes the voice a bit softer than normally. Banner smirks.

'I don't really get how it works, but you're right,' he admits, running a hand through his hair again and looks at the door. 'Well. I'm not sure what exactly I am doing here, so –'

'I am no one particular,' Iron Man interjects, making Banner frown and look up sharply. 'Underneath the suit. There is no great mystery to it. I'm a neat engineer, you can guess given that this,' Tony raises the mechanical arms, 'is 100% my own work.'

There, an answer that is true, logical, and won't make everyone think about Tony Stark straight away, because Tony has never done anything similar. He's good at robots, he is most famous for robots and weapons, and Iron Man made just a suit that uses a power source that no one has seen anywhere before.

'This is an incredible thing,' Banner comments, eying the suit from head to toes. 'I mean, you can _fly_, how amazing is that? That's exactly what most of the sci-fi books are about, that's what people have been dreaming about for centuries, and you're the first one who successfully managed to create a way to fly freely. Chapeau bas, Iron Man.'

Tony smiles inside the suit, feeling a pleasant warm feeling in his stomach; it's been a long time since someone has told him something as nice as that. His tech has always been praised, sure, even if Howard and Stane wanted more, better, quicker; but it's rare to hear someone say a compliment with such passion and genuineness.

'Thank you,' Iron Man says and inclines his head. 'This means a lot to me,' he adds truthfully. 'I wish I could show other people how it feels to fly, but – you understand, not now, this tech is too vulnerable – maybe sometime in the future.'

'Don't feel obliged,' Banner tells him. 'You know, the other guy can _almost_ fly when he jumps like he does. Pity I can hardly remember – well, that one thing. Most of what he does is…' he stops there, shaking his head. 'Anyway. I just wanted to say I'm glad you're on the team. It's been some time – almost four months now, right? – and we never get the chance to talk, really, just a bit when we were in Africa. I know you don't live here like we do, and you have other preoccupations, but if you feel like talking, you know where to find us – I am sure the others would like that, too.'

'I will keep that in mind,' Tony says, really intending to, and just then Coulson enters the room, coffee mug in one hand, a stack of files in another, balancing everything with perfect grace. He doesn't seem surprised at all by the fact that Banner is there.

'I'm sorry to have kept you waiting – WSC is being a bunch of morons, pardon my language, I spend too much time with Director – let's go over your report quickly. I've got another slip for you, too,' the agent says as he places his belonging on the table and sits down. Banner waves Iron Man a goodbye and disappears soundlessly, closing the door behind himself.

In the end Iron Man gets a magical mission green light for another trip, this time to North Africa, where SI weapons are creating a bit of a mess.

Tony goes there during the last weekend of the month; he is happy to do his job and, in a way at least, fix his mistakes; it always feels good to do the right thing, no matter what the papers say. But he is just tired with everything; there has been another court meeting, Pepper and Happy testified and Tony _hated_ watching them attacked by Stane's attorney; sure, they were composed, professional and said nothing but truth, but it was still nothing nice to experience and Tony felt sorry for dragging them into the whole situation.

All that makes SI stock stuck in one place that is not exactly favorable; it's not _terrible_, but no matter what Tony tries to do, he can't make them raise and he _needs_ them to raise to improve the situation of the company.

* * *

October 1st is the usual Avengers meeting and this time Spider Man is not there, so it's just Banner, Romanov and Barton. There isn't anything planned for the month, other than whatever the agents usually do, but it's not Avengers business so it's not the team's concern. When the meeting is over, Banner looks as if he wanted to stop Iron Man – and Tony would stay to talk, but he has a meeting at 1300 hrs that he _cannot_ be late for because it's with a big investor whose involvement could help SI considerably.

So Iron Man disappears and Tony Stark goes to the meeting, in a smart black suit, hair and goatee perfectly trimmed, the usual smile on his face. He charms the man thoroughly and finds himself surprised – given the current running opinions about SI and Tony – that someone, despite a careful and questioning approach towards the whole project, can treat him, _Stark_, with respect and fascination. Although Tony knows it shouldn't be something special, he thinks he really doesn't deserve the treatment he's getting.

The one good thing is that after the hearing in which Pepper testified, the media have been nice to her. Well, being nice meaning saying that she's been forced to work with Tony, forced to put up with his crazy stunts over the years, that she was a bit depended on the whole situation, that he's been unprofessional and an asshole – Tony's words, and he knows they are right to some extent – and she's now regarded almost as a victim, what she publicly disagrees with, but Tony doesn't mind as long as she's in good graces.

* * *

The second Saturday of October, it's the 14th, Tony takes a day off for a meeting with Samski; it takes place in the same place as always, a branch of that L.A. clinic that Tony has trusted for years where Doc is working now.

He has blood drawn early in the morning, like always, by a familiar nurse whose name he can't remember, and comes back for the appointment in the afternoon, soon after the doctor arrives to the clinic from the airport.

As soon as he walks into the room, he knows something is wrong. He just _knows_.

'Your blood results are not okay, Tony – sit down,' the doctor states straight away, taking the papers and showing them to Tony who sits down and stays unmoving, staring at the numbers on the papers. 'Tony?' Samski calls him, raising his voice a bit. 'Tony? You okay?'

'Yeah,' Tony breathes, not moving an inch.

'I need to do tumor markers from blood. Now, okay? Tony?'

_Stop fucking call my name as if I were going into shock or something_, Tony snaps in his head, but keeps silent, only nodding and tearing his gaze away from the little slip of paper that means so fucking much.

'But I haven't felt bad, nothing at all, I've been looking out for symptoms –'

'I know,' Samski assures him. 'I know, this can be nothing, we just need a check. Come on. Let's get the blood drawn. We'll have the results in three hours.'

Tony obeys, walking after the man back to the nurse's room and getting more blood taken by the same smiling woman, from the other arm this time.

He doesn't know how he manages to endure the three hours without going crazy; it might have something to do with Doc coming over, since he works in the same building. Tony knows the man cancelled the rest of his appointments for the afternoon.

Doc brings a couple of _games_, of all things, and challenges Tony into beating the other in Connect Four; it almost always ends in a draw between them – even when using the biggest size, 10x7, so both are quite determined to prove their superiority.

Doc wins three times and Tony wins two, out of total thirty two games they play.

'You know it's not fair,' Tony pouts; his voice is quiet but his behavior slightly exaggerated, he is aware of that; he always does that when he was anxious.

'We'll have a rematch sometime,' Doc assures him and ignores Samski slipping out of the room to get the results; he doctor been sitting on the sofa and reading a book the whole time, snickering now and then at Tony and Doc's antics.

Samski's face is completely blank when he enters the room, he doesn't even have to say anything. For a moment Tony feels as if he was going to faint but he doesn't.

'We'll just do an ultrasound now,' Samski says and gestures at Tony and Doc to follow. 'And then we'll decide is we need another test later.'

'Sure,' Tony agrees. His throat feels painfully dry; he knows his voice is scratchy and rough.

He hates the cold feeling of the get on his stomach and the way the machine touches his body; he hates _every-fucking-thing_ about this situation and he hates not knowing, not knowing yet and – he really, really hasn't been feeling bad, just tired but with all his work he'd have to be inhuman not to feel tired, and –

'There,' Samski says, showing something to Doc on the screen. 'I am sorry,' he tells Tony and Tony does his best not to start laughing hysterically, but he only manages that for a minute or two more, until the examination is done. Doc wraps his arm around Tony's back and lets him laugh. Cry. Something.

'We will need CT and ERCP to decide what to do – but the soonest we can do that on Monday. Monday morning. I will make sure I can be here, okay, Tony?' Samski asks, eying Tony with concern; at least he's managed to calm down a bit.

'Okay. Of course. Monday morning,' Tony repeats, trying to remember what is he's got scheduled for Monday morning but his brain doesn't want to cooperate.

A few minutes later Samski leaves, since there is nothing to be done at the moment and it's around 2000 hrs already. Tony and Doc stay in the room for some time before Tony shrugs the man's arm off his shoulders and stands up.

'I will go now,' he states, testing out his voice. It's a bit thicker than he'd like, but will do.

'Are you sure you will be okay?'

'Yeah,' Tony replies shortly, walking out of the room and back to the entrance hall; everything he has is on himself. Doc follows him.

'It doesn't look bad, Tony,' Doc tells Tony just before he leaves. 'Don't panic. I'm sure it will be just like the first time. We'll make it quick and easy, okay?'

'Hope so,' Tony says, gives Doc a wave and disappears.

In the car, Tony tells JARVIS everything as the A.I. hasn't been _present_ in the clinic and – well, he feels like he needs to talk, say it out loud. The A.I. is his perfectly charming self.

Back in the apartment, Tony leaves a note via JARVIS for Happy who is out of town, and for Pepper who is having – a date, if Tony understood correctly – saying that he needs to get away for a few days and will be back on Wednesday.

He will tell Happy, just – in person. Later.

'JARVIS, get me the Mark V ready. Malibu ETA?'

'Two hours, twenty minutes with current meteorological situation, sir. Are you sure this is wise?'

'I need to get away from this place. Do you know that nothing good has ever happened to me in New York?' Tony asks, packing his documents into a pocket inside the suit and gives JARVIS a sign to wrap it around him.

'What about the Avengers?' JARVIS questions, running a quick check and giving Tony a green light to fly.

'Yeah, them… Well, I guess. Though most of the things we do _for the good_ are out of the city, well, out of the country even.'

'That is true,' JARVIS agrees and just then Tony flies through a window the A.I. has just opened, reflection panels engaged and the armor mostly invisible to potential observers. It's probably a stupid idea, taking off from a place where Tony Stark lives, but Tony can't bring himself to care at the moment.

When he arrives in Malibu, it's very late evening, sky clear and full of starts – Tony hasn't realized he's missed them that much, he doesn't have a lot of time to think about it in New York – and it's considerably warmer.

Tony spends the night walking along the shore, his feet getting wet and cold; he's not really thinking about anything in particular, letting his thoughts fly, letting them pass through his head freely; he stares at the stars over the sea and reflected in its ever-moving surface, he listens to the wind swirling around and the ocean's murmur that he hasn't realized he's missed so much, _so much_.

He's never considered himself sentimental, but it's been lie.

Or maybe it's just a thing you learn when you grow up.

Tony spends most of Sunday sleeping, after having taken some sleeping pills that knock him out – otherwise it'd never happen – and the next evening and night he spends walking along the shoreline again, until his legs and back and his chest around the reactor all hurt, until his feet are all wrinkled from the water, until he's too exhausted to think.

It feels perfect, not thinking, not analyzing, not calculating; it feels blissful and incredible and Tony wishes he could just stay like this forever.

The ocean is soothing enough to stop him from panicking; it did its job back after Afghanistan, when he was having flashbacks. The immense tranquility seems to wrap itself around him yet again and it's almost good.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for the comments! I'm very happy to know what you think. I hope you liked this part, too. Let me know? :)

Part 3, last of _Disintegration of Anthony Stark_ tomorrow, after that the fourth part of the series: _Was not a star on out side._


	5. Disintegration of Anthony Stark part 3

**Disintegration of Anthony Stark (part 3)**

On Monday, 0800 hrs sharp, Tony is waiting for Samski to come, a bag on the floor next to him. The doctor is five minutes late but Tony decides to forgive him that.

CT and ERCP are familiar; Tony appreciates the doctor's effort to make him feel at ease when he is put into a private room after the second procedure, just like the first time.

Samski comes an hour later.

'Sorry it took that long,' he says, sitting at the edge of Tony's bed. 'I wanted to consults,' he adds and Tony's stomach twists painfully. _Consult_, it means something is wrong enough that one doctor can't make the right decision.

It's exaggerating and panicking but Tony can't make himself not do that.

'The tumor has appeared in a slightly different place than before, here,' Samski shows an area on the printout. 'It is stage 2A, there is some tissue here – and here – affected,' he adds, pointing to another places. 'It's bigger than the first tumor, which is atypical; usually, it takes it a long time to grow to this size… And I am sure we haven't missed anything. Given how it looks currently, we can't do a surgery –'

Tony is glad he is drowsy after the ERCP anesthesia – and in half lying position – because really does feel like he's going to faint this time –

'Tony, calm down, you're breathing too fast,' he hears Doc's words and the man's hands wrap around his shoulders. 'Calm. Down. You're gonna be okay, right? We will do everything that is possible. Don't worry. You're in the best hands. You. Will. Be. Okay,' Doc says firmly, his voice loud and almost making Tony's head hurt, but he trusts the man and manages to calm down slowly.

He knows he shouldn't, he knows it's all lies, but believing in them is – is okay. For now.

'We will give you radiation, two courses for three weeks, one week break – that's what I consulted – and it should make the tumor smaller; it won't go away, but it should enable us to remove it surgically. You might need a major surgery this time, maybe partial liver resection, maybe Whipple's – we will decide about that after the radiotherapy – so no worrying about that now. All right?'

Tony nods.

'Do you understand what I have just told you?'

'Yes,' Tony verbalizes, his voice surprisingly strong. 'Yes. Okay. When do I start?'

'On Monday,' Samski replies, but he's a bit more reluctant this time. Tony frowns. Doc doesn't move. 'But I – I can't be your doctor now, Tony. I am sorry – don't get me wrong. But I have work and family in L.A. and I would need to be here, I can't come here on daily basis.'

'It's okay,' Tony assures the man. It really is, he understands; he is even glad that the man doesn't want to make the wrong decision to help Tony at his family's expenses. Tony would never let him, anyway.

'I will handle your case over to one of the doctors I consulted with. Doctor Levy, she is one of the best specialists – I would say she is better than me, so I feel comfortable with recommending her. Do you agree to that?'

'Yeah, I guess…'

'I will call her and ask when she's available, okay?'

'All right,' Tony agrees again and gives Doc a weak smile. 'She at least pretty?'

'I think she is, you know, rather young for such a good doctor. Pretty, well, you will see,' Doc tells him and looks around the room. 'Connect four?'

'If you insist,' Tony replies rolling his eyes. Samski leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later.

'Doctor Levy said she can come over today evening. Here. After she's agreed take over my case, just based on the consultation and the history of your treatment – I told her it's about _you. _That's okay, right?'

'She would learn that anyway,' Tony admits, sighing. 'Did she freak out?'

'She just said _fuck_ several times, and then she called you _the poor little bastard_.'

'I think I like her already,' Tony decides.

Doc stays all afternoon and evening and it's more than Tony hoped for.

Levy comes at seven sharp; first she goes to talk with Samski, Tony knows, since the man has a plane back home soon; and the she comes into the room, bearing Tony's documentation and a giant handbag. She _is_ rather pretty, even if not Tony's usual type: medium-height, a bit on the chubby side, brown hair, freckles, hazelnut eyes, wearing a simple shirt and jeans, no high heels in sight.

'Your life is a mess, isn't it?' is the first thing she says to Tony pulling a chair closer to his bed and placing her bag and the folders on the table. Tony chuckles and she flashes him a grin. 'So, I've read all your medical documentation…' she starts and Tony discovers how it is to meet a person that _doesn't stop talking_, well, a person other than himself.

She answers all of his questions honestly, even the _problematic_ ones, and Tony is so fucking thankful for that. It takes a long time and it's almost half past nine when Tony's out of things to ask about. She tells him the radiation he'll get now will be different kind and it doesn't have more side effects normally, but given that he'll simple get _more_, he's more likely to suffer from stomach problems: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and will be more tired, obviously. Tony can hardly imagine more tired but well, he'll just need to get used to it.

'I will see you on Monday, then,' she says before she leaves. Tony nods in acknowledgement.

He goes home, too, but he can't sleep, so instead of the rest he is supposed to be getting, he goes down to the library and tries to figure out what to do with his life now.

* * *

On Wednesday morning – Tony's managers to get full four hours of sleep, more than he' expected – he goes to work as if nothing has happened and refuses to give Pepper any answers because he hasn't decided yet how to resolve the whole situation. There are so many thing that need to be taken into consideration that it's hard to make the pieces fit.

Tony end up doing one thing that seems quite silly, but in the end helps him a lot: he looks for answers in the internet. It's surprising how many amazing things people share there, he decides.

The magical method that works for him turns out to be something he's failed to come up with by himself, even though it is rather logical and obvious: a simple list of priorities. Tony decides to be completely honest with himself because really, it's not a time for games.

So, Iron Man is pretty close to the top. Well, doing good things is pretty close to the top, or maybe at the top, and Iron Man is just a tool – just like Rives. And it's Nate's identity, Tony realizes, that gives him most satisfaction, even though it's always been nothing more than backup, because there are _no expectations_. None at all. It might be silly, but he feels – attached to the way he created the man to be; it's Tony Stark's public persona's opposite on so many levels and it feels _right_.

_You have everything – and nothing_, Yinsen said and Tony will _never_ forget that. Tony Stark has everything and nothing.

Iron Man is – he is an Avenger and a superhero, but a man whose identity cannot be revealed, and any kind of relationship he might create will be limited to his teammates and maybe other S.H.I.E.L.D.'s agents. And that's – limiting. It's good at times, but not all the time… Iron Man does big things, but it's not every day, and the time in between – it must be filled with something.

And Stark International and the whole deal, Tony finally admits to himself, it's nothing but a burden at this point. The government still wants Tony to go back to producing weapons, the masses want him to say that he was wrong and that he is at fault when it comes to the scandal and he won't, the media keep bashing him – that's not too bad – and the company – that's much worse – and even though they all work hard. Tony is not going to be able to work hard enough, though, he realizes, it'll be a miracle if he manages to work his current schedule around the radiotherapy… And the ongoing trial makes the business world generally mistrustful. It's all blown out of proportion, but it's kind of _the higher you fly the further you fall _situation.

Tony murmurs that to himself and suddenly, he knows he has this most brilliant idea ever.

'Give the fucking crowd what it wants,' Tony tells JARVIS with a gleeful smile.

'I'm not sure what you mean, sir,' the A.I. replies quickly. Means worried.

'You know what they all want? They want to see me fall, because it's spectacular and that's how human nature works, even if you wouldn't know yourself, baby. Everyone loves seeing other people's tragedies, it makes you feel better. Stronger. Proud of yourself that it's not you.'

'I'm still not sure –'

'Patience, baby,' Tony laughs. 'Remember what they've been saying about me? For _years_? So, I've been a sex addict, a drug addict, an alcoholic, I've been unstable and insane – that's been a thing after Afghanistan – we can give them some of that. One thing at least.'

'Sir, what you're trying to say is –'

'That I am going to… sabotage myself, in a way? Yes. That's what I'm trying to say,' Tony admits and laughs. It _is_, undeniably, a bit hysterical, but he feels strangely – free.

'There is no logic in that, sir.'

'There is a twisted logic in that, J,' Tony explains, the grin plastered on his face. 'You know I've been… not too well since I came back from Afghanistan and you know why. I've been doing everything possible to make SI go back to what it's been before, to make things right… But all of that's been just – you know. They hated it. All the comments, all the mistrust, all the imagined problems, I've been trying to deal with it, but once you've fallen out of grace, well. You're fucked. And Stane's trial just makes it a continuous trouble because people keep being reminded,' Tony says with a sigh. 'I didn't manage to make difference for what, ten months? Doing all I could. And now, I – I won't be able to. It's going to end badly and I _cannot_ let those morons on board or anyone take SI away from me and turn it into whatever they might want. Something I would hate.'

'So, you will ask miss Potts?' JARVIS deduces, gaining another smile.

'No, not exactly. I'm not going to ask her, really. She has good publicity, but she needs to be cut off from me openly, she must be placed on the opposite side – and I know exactly how to do that. It's gonna hurt, sure, and I'll hate doing that to Pepper – and to Rhodey, don't' forget Rhodey, he will be back from his mission in January – but they of all people needs to believable or nothing will work…'

'Yes, sir?'

'Like I said: give the wolves what they want. Stage everything the way that no one will know. Be the once in control – and that's what I intend to do.'

'_Sir_?'

'I'm gonna disappear, baby,' Tony tells JARVIS seriously. 'Maybe it's a coward's way out, but I'm not above being a coward now.'

'You are everything but, sir,' the A.I. assures Tony.

* * *

Telling Happy – because Tony's decided to tell the man _everything_ – is… a strange thing.

The man doesn't interrupt, but when Tony finishes, Happy first punches him, making his nose bleed, then brings an ice pack, makes Tony lay down and tells him that everything will be all right.

And then declares that he is going to go with him.

'There will be no position here for me, since I am your personal bodyguard,' Happy says. It does make sense, even if Tony doesn't like that. 'And no, I am not going to leave you alone in this situation, boss.'

'If you have a love confession to make, do it quickly,' Tony replies, making the man snicker. 'You don't have to,' he adds softly.

'I know I don't have to, we've been through this so many times. I _want_ to. Just one thing – is it going to be… permanent? Forever?'

'I don't know. It depends on the –' Tony pauses unsurely, making a face, '– the cancer, I guess. I haven't been really thinking too far into the future. You know.'

'Okay,' Happy agrees. 'Got it. Do you need some help right now?'

'The thing I have to do is the opening scene of the play now. It's gonna be short and dramatic – the play. I have three months for it, tops, before I want to be out of here.'

'Soo, a party?' Happy questions after a short pause, giving JARVIS look; the A.I., as if he was reading minds, shows the list of all of Tony's invitations to places and events.

'Something soon?'

'November 4th, Saturday, there is a 70th birthday party of the CEO of Flock's Enterprises… You could make an appearance, boss. He's gonna have lots of good alcohol to pretend to get drunk with, he's a connoisseur.'

'I'll tell Pepper to make it happen,' Tony replies. That should work.

* * *

Monday 23rd is Tony's first radiotherapy and it goes okay. It's long and annoying, with a few new dots on his abdomen, but he feels okay afterwards.

Tony decides that coming to work late – at 1000 hrs instead of 0800 hrs, since he has the radiation first thing in the morning – is only going to make his story look more believable; it's doing just what he did when he was younger and spend evenings alternating between drinks and girls. The two hours don't change that much, overall: Tony is working on his personal projects at home, so all he does in SI is the boring things. Everything feels a bit different, a bit more bearable, now that he knows he will not be doing that for _years_. Just a couple of months.

At least the new employees – well, not so new now, the group Tony has hired in summer – are doing very well and their projects are being appreciated. A couple more of those people to hire and Pepper will have a team that will manage to come up with enough ideas for SI to stay at the top, technologically, even without Tony's input.

There are so many things he needs to wrap up – and the strange thing is, all this farce, all this game, all this madness, it seems natural. It seems quite right.

* * *

Iron Man appears at the monthly meeting normally. It takes place on November 2nd as Coulson has been away somewhere, and everyone is present this time. Iron Man and gets a solo mission; it's a hostage recovery again, he's the man for the job, _the sooner the better_, so he leaves just after the meeting and comes back home a few hours before the party.

Pepper is mad at him for disappearing even though he answered of her calls claiming he had this greatest idea and he locked himself down in the workshop; JARVIS will keep his secret safe. Luckily he does have a few projects in reserve for situations like this, so he send her the project info and the bribe works – at least relatively well.

At the party, Tony is a social butterfly, _almost_ stealing the spotlight from the _birthday boy_ himself, but he doesn't cross the line. He drinks a bit and pretends to drink a lot, more than he should, and acts accordingly.

There were at least three people in his life who told him he'd make an even better actor than he is an engineer. That's pretty accurate.

Tony can't bring himself to be embarrassed when he is supposedly acting out of order, nothing too crazy, but his voice is a bit too loud and his movements a tad too chaotic; it all works perfectly. People stare and whisper, Pepper orders him to calm down and finally walks him out of the ball, charming smile on her face, well before midnight.

'I love you, Peppy,' he murmurs as she shoves him into the limousine. The words are a little slurred, exactly as they should be, and as genuine as it goes.

'You always say that when you are drunk,' she replies, shutting the door behind herself.

'Mhmmmm,' Tony murmurs, trying to rest his head on her shoulder but she moves away and he flinches groggily. It's an exhausting game, but Tony decides he's doing very well. And Happy must have _a lot _of fun, even if he keeps his face totally straight.

Sunday morning, Tony is greeted with the three brunettes commenting the party and his behavior – _clearly, going back to his old habits_, _overusing alcohol_, _is he really capable of being a CEO right now_, that kind of thing – and for the first time he is happy with that they are doing.

It won't really make the stocks drop that much, he knows, and when Pepper takes over SI, everything will work out fine because she's a miracle on two long legs.

For the next few days, he makes point of acting slightly odd, appearing slightly disheveled, all the jazz, and the gossip magazines are slowly picking the bait.

_Perfect_, Tony decides. Painful but _perfect_.

* * *

On 20th Tony – well, Nate Rives – gets a letter from Riverside, yet again thanking him for the donation and offering him a visit to the place he's supporting, but he says he has to refuse for now. He is supposedly living in London, anyway.

The same day Tony starts the other three weeks of radiotherapy; it appears to be working fine, according to Levy. A week of break was not enough for the nausea he's been experiencing to go away completely, but at least that is nothing worse than that. Not yet, at least.

And not for long.

Three days into the course, Tony goes back home instead of going to work, and spends most of the day hunched over the toilet bowl. JARVIS tells Pepper Tony's locked himself down in the workshop again – the best way to make her stay out of his house – and calls Happy, who's been running errands.

Happy stays with Tony all afternoon, giving him electrolytes mixture and entertaining Tony by reading him news from trash gossip magazines, the titles mostly along _Has Tony Stark really changed?_ or _Tony Stark out of control again_ and maybe _Has the pressure done it to him this time_?

'It's cruel,' Tony rasps out at some point, making Happy blink in confusion. 'It hurts when I laugh,' he explains. Happy just rolls his eyes and continues reading anyway.

The next day isn't much better, but Tony gets an antiemetic and it helps; he can't really look at food but at least he's not throwing up all the time. He goes to SI for a few hours, does his usual routine twice as quickly as normally, and leaves in hurry only to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Friday isn't any better either – and around 1300 hrs Iron Man gets a call from Coulson; it's an emergency: some of AIM's rogue robots seem to be attacking a small town in Pennsylvania.

Tony gets up from the bed feeling a bit dizzy, but before he can even dress himself, JARVIS sends the information to Coulson that Iron Man cannot come.

'_What. The. Fuck_?' Tony asks, his voice too calm, stressing each word separately, ignoring how the words echo in his head when he says them.

'You are in no condition to fight, sir,' JARVIS replies calmly. 'I cannot let you fly into a battle in this state.'

'They need me – they need Iron Man!,' Tony exclaims, standing up and walking to the wardrobe just a bit unsteadily.

'Sir, be rational. Agent Coulson assured you that if you are unable to respond to as assemble call, it's acceptable. I've just had a look at what's happening there: they will easily manage without you. The Hulk is enough to keep the robots contained.'

'But it's going to take them time to get there –'

'The team is halfway already, ETA seven minutes. It's _Pennsylvania _and we are in New York, sir,' JARVIS adds sassily, making Tony crack a smile.

'Okay,' Tony breathes after a moment of pause. 'Okay.'

It would be okay if the same thing hasn't happened the next week, too, and Tony can't go again – this time he wouldn't even dream of it, he's quite sure than any kind of violent movement like flying and fighting would make him vomit even after the antiemetic, and inside the suits that – _gross_. And a very bad idea.

Coulson says it's no problem, but of course the problem – again, again, again – is the media. Tony is okay with the Tony Stark being commented, since he's playing his part perfectly well, but the newspapers are questioning _Where is Iron Man?_ and accusing him of not treating his role – privileged role – as an Avenger seriously; someone even writes it's almost treason, but at least that's too drastic for people to believe in.

The second week is better, Tony doesn't understand why but he's thankful for that. He appears at work almost normally, supervises projects, goes to board meetings and business meetings and all that – making an point of keeping his game: it's about creating an illusion of appearing to be a bit drunk and trying to hide it, while in truth it's the other way round.

With his personal history – that's a bit sad, probably – it isn't difficult to make people believe the act. _Stage everything the way that no one will know_.

He is fully aware he doesn't have to do that and there is still backing away, but the last thing he wants is everybody's pity. It's better to have them believe he's only continuing the family tradition; it's an open secret that Howard has been drunk-driving that night when he and Maria died.

It's better this way.

* * *

Besides taking care of Tony Stark's gossip life, Nate Rives' affairs and Iron Man, Tony knows he needs to prepare a good base for Pepper's future rule in Stark International, what means executing his initial plan at making them appear on opposite sides _in public._

Easy thing: agree to an interview on TV together with Pepper, regarding SI and the current gossip, and make it another part of the game. It's cruel to – _use_ her that way, Tony knows, but he _has to. _He will tell her the truth a month or two after Tony Stark is off the scene, that sounds like a safe period of time.

That's exactly what Tony does; Pepper seems happy with his decision even though he refuses to talk through the questions beforehand; Tony tells her that _he is a grown boy. _She laughs it off, obviously, because he's been behaving a lot unlike that, even though he's been more responsible than ever before overall.

It's just this last month that is the problem, she says.

'Do you have some problem, Tony? Is something wrong?' she asks him the night before they go on TV, when she brings him some papers to sign. 'You can tell me, you know that.'

'It's okay, Pepper, I've never been better,' Tony assures her, what makes her stare at him suspiciously. 'No, _really_,' he lies further, acting perfectly in character. He hates lying, but in this case, well, it's impossible _not _to. Tony kind of hates himself for that but – it's all on purpose.

'You've been drinking a lot –'

'I have always been drinking a lot –'

'– more than usually. Well, more than usually _recently_. You know what I mean.'

'You exaggerate, Pepper. A one situation or two –'

'You promised me you'd act responsibly and you are not doing that.'

'I try to,' Tony says and it's true, it is honest and raw and she blinks at that in his voice. Mix lies with truth and it'll be the best to make them believe in everything.

'Okay,' she sighs, taking the papers he's just signed. 'Okay. Just do what is best for you and for Stark International tomorrow, okay? We need some good word about you.'

'I promise,' Tony says with conviction and Pepper seems satisfied, only that she doesn't know how completely different their visions of _the best_ are.

'I will miss Pepper,' Tony tells JARVIS as he's dressing up for the interview the next evening. Dark green suit, beige shirt, no tie, all perfectly _in style_ for Tony Stark. 'I am so fucking alone and it's all my fault,' he murmurs. JARVIS doesn't reply. 'Keep an eye on her for me, okay?'

'Of course, sir,' the A.I. replies straight away. Tony gives the last look to his reflection in the mirror and nods approvingly; he grabs his wallet, a bottle of water and goes down to the garage where Happy is waiting for him in the car.

'Act two, scene one?' he asks, making Tony snicker. It's a bit too hysterical for his liking, a bit too panicked – it's just a bit scary to think he's just breaking his own life in to pieces, even though he is sure that it will be better afterwards, that he will be happier – but he composes himself quickly. Back to the casual sassy nonchalance he's famous for in 1.4 seconds.

'_In the withered, waveless solitude, the dented mask is dancing. Half of the world is sand, the other half mercury and dormant sunlight_,' Tony recites, gaining a small applause from the chauffeur. 'Let's go,' he tells Happy who immediately drives out of the building, taking a longer way round to the studio to pick Pepper up.

She nods approvingly when she sees Tony; he's made a good job applying make up the way it covers the dark bags under his eyes _and_ appears invisible at the same time.

'Let's dance,' he whispers to himself just before the host invites them onto the scene, and then everything goes according to the plan, right until Tony, answering to a question about the recent rumors about his _slightly_ _erratic_ _behavior_ says this:

'Yes, I admit I have a problem.'

The host blinks and shakes his head as if he didn't believe; the audience is suddenly quiet. Pepper is perfectly composed – well, to everyone but Tony, because he knows her too well and can tell that her thoughts are racing and she's internally struggling between shouting at him, demanding what is he thinking and maybe, maybe saying _I want to help you_, but that might be just Tony's imagination.

'Isn't that what you wanted to hear?' he asks, looking at the people's faces. 'I thought you've been waiting for me to admit that for weeks, if not months.'

Then the host _laughs_, and everyone else does, too.

'That's a sweet thing to say, Tony, but I think it's not the truthful answer to the question,' Pepper speaks up first, giving Tony a perfect smile and a murderous glare, but he ignores it.

'You got me there, Tony,' the host says, chuckling, and Tony raises an eyebrow.

'Well, a sad thing then, because I wasn't joking.'

'Tony –' Pepper starts, but the host cuts in, his attention now focused on Tony.

'Does that mean that Miss Potts didn't know anything about this… situation?'

'I never told her anything,' Tony admits, _not_ looking at Pepper. 'You have all been right, I guess. I've had a hard time since – Afghanistan. And –'

'It must have been more difficult for you, recently, with Stane's trail, the accusations towards you and Stark Industries…'

'It's not exactly pleasant, I can't say,' Tony replies with a practiced smile. 'Therefore I want to apologize for what I've been doing. Even if I have been enjoying myself immensely,' Tony adds, winking at the camera, and Pepper lets out a hiss on his right. The audience laughs a bit, but it dies down soon.

'So, you've been what, acting as the CEO of Stark International… not exactly sober?'

'I haven' been doing that for a long time – it's been Pepper running the business for me. I would just throw all the board members out and do things my way,' he adds, making Pepper turn towards him and give him a stare saying_ if you don't shut up now, you're going to be in trouble and I'm not joking._

'Tony,' she just says, with a smile, and turns towards the host. 'Don't believe Mister Stark, he has been doing a really good job as CEO, even despite the other obligations –'

'Certainly honey, I've been a busy one,' Tony quips in, making the audience laugh and Pepper shake her head slightly. Tony blinks at copies the movement, but he act just the same as he did before.

It's not long before the interview is finished and Tony, in his head, labels it perfectly successful: it was exactly what he wanted. A slight change of the balance between him and her, people seeing that she disapproves of his silly behavior, even if she defends him, Tony acting just like he wanted – and all the newspapers the next day quoting him saying _I admit I have a problem._

They also all make note of how Pepper – Miss Potts – has been trying to keep him in check and not really managing, and generally sympathizing with her. Check. Calling her more rational and down-to-earth, check. Admitting by the way she behaved, despite her verbal denial, that she's the one who organizes everything for Tony, therefore keeping SI from falling apart even further, check.

Pepper _hates _it all.

She shouts at him when they are in the limo and then doesn't speak with him for two days _at all_, what is an incredible feat given that they spend a lot of time working together.

* * *

Tony is a bit anxious about the December Avengers meeting, given how he fucked up twice within a month, but when he goes into the conference room, no one is looking at him with anger – or annoyance, even. They say hello and sit in their usual spots, with coffee and a bag of cheese-flavored Cheetos, of all things, on the table.

Coulson doesn't even ask him to file any paperwork related to his absence.

Huh. So he was telling the truth. One god thing, Tony decides.

'No team mission for you this month again,' Coulson says in the end. 'Consider it a Christmas gift. Whoever has their personal ops, you take care of it normally. And one more thing – if you'd all agree, I don't see why not, we should establish sparring sessions for the whole team. Surely I don't have to explain you why, the question here is only how. Spider Man. Iron Man. This is s question to you, mostly, because everyone else here is easily accessible.'

'Weekends,' Spider Man says immediately. 'Could do with weekends, I guess.'

'Agreed,' Tony replies. It seems like the most sensible of all options, ever though Tony would prefer not to take part in the whole deal at all; it's not like he does much teamwork but give a lift to Hawkeye occasionally and may provide air support when needed. There haven't even been enough situations of the whole team fighting together.

'First Sunday? S.H.I.E.L.D. trains on Sundays. Not always works, not everyone, but training is in seven days a week,' Barton states, putting a handful of Cheetos into his mouth. Romanov rolls her eyes and sighs disapprovingly.

'Works for me.'

'Yeah, sure,' Iron Man agrees. One Sunday a month is all right. 'Starting?'

'January,' Coulson replies, browsing his papers. 'Yeah, January 7th.'

Everyone murmurs something is agreement and they all stand up, talking to each other and even wishing the others Merry Christmas – that's Spider Man, the resident smartass – and before Tony can leave, Banner calls his name.

'You all right?' he asks, making Tony frowns. Iron Man stays impassive.

'Yes. I am.'

'I just thought something might have happened since you couldn't be there with us. In Pennsylvania. Since you know, _a man inside the suit_…'

'You could call that personal trouble,' Tony chuckles and Iron Man does so, too, making Bruce frown for a second and grin.

'I like that artificial laughter,' he says. 'It sounds almost human, despite your voice being flat as it is… But anyway, I'm glad it's nothing serious.'

'I will try to prevent it happening in the future, the first two spontaneous things that have happened and I couldn't – I was annoyed. It's really a great feeling fighting with the good side, I am sure you'd agree.'

'Definitely,' Banner admits, shifting slightly. Tony hopes it's nothing too touchy.

'Were the robots anyhow interesting?' he asks, changing the subject, and Banner just sighs.

'Interesting, well, you could say so. More likely acting like broken toys wreaking havoc and not much more… They definitely weren't as neat as any of Stark's stuff,' Banner ads and Tony freezes inside the armor; fortunately no one can see that as Iron Man remains unmoving. 'But, I don't want to keep you. You're always in hurry. Let me copy Spider Man and wish you Happy Christmas, hoping that there won't be any trouble we'd need to take care of just before the holidays.'

'Better for the humanity,' Tony offers and Banner chuckles. 'Yeah. Happy holidays,' he adds and gives Coulson a wave before leaving the room.

* * *

The next few days are exhausting and boring, in a way. Tony continues the game, Pepper is mad at him again, Tony meets with Doc for a movie night but ends up falling asleep after fifteen minutes of the movie.

On 8th, Friday, Tony has the last radiation; doctor Levy orders a set of examinations for Monday to see how the tumor is exactly before the surgery. On Saturday, there is the annual Stark International Christmas Ball which Tony goes to and act nicely up until 2200 hrs and then it takes him a full hour before Pepper drags him out of the room in a graceful manner only she can manage; she takes care of the gala herself, not even looking back at Tony. Happy helps him in the car and as soon as the doors are closed, Tony drops the act, takes his tie off and unbuttons his cuffs. Happy offers him a bottle of mineralized water and a small smile.

'You wanted it, boss,' he says and it doesn't really help, but Tony appreciates the honesty.

'Yeah, I did,' he agrees, drains half of the bottle and gestures at Happy to start the car. 'Let's go home. Pepper will do perfectly well on her own.'

'That she will,' Happy agrees.

Back in the house, Tony puts the suit on tells Happy goodbye and flies to Malibu. It's almost midnight there when he arrives.

He leaves the suit in the workshop – it's so good to be in the space that he feels so familiar with – and goes to the beach. It's rather cold, so he doesn't walk barefoot this time, he puts in proper shoes and a coat and even a scarf and a hat. It would be bad if he caught a cold a few days – _before_.

It feels like a very good copy of the last time he was there: it's only colder, but the sky, the stars, the ocean are the same. The wind is surprisingly warm, too.

'I hope it's not the last time I'm here,' Tony murmurs to himself, but the words get lost within the wind. 'It better not be the last fucking time,' he adds and it sounds like a promise.

* * *

On Monday, Tony goes to see doctor Ley and stays in the clinic for two day; there are tests and more tests; everything seems okay, she says. The tumor is a bit smaller so the surgery might not be as invasive as she has feared.

'I will have a team of surgeons with myself. They will sign the paperwork you requested, non-disclosure statement…. We'll do the surgery on Friday, 10 a.m., is that okay with you?'

'Yeah, sure,' Tony agrees. 'Can I get out in between?'

'We'll need you here Thursday at non. I can let you out now, but be here on time. _Obviously_.'

'I will,' he promises and leaves; when he's in the car, he asks Happy to swing by his favorite Thai place. 'I want something really spicy and crazy,' he tells the man. 'I don't know when I will be able to eat that again. You know.'

'Sure, boss,' Happy just says and does as he's asked.

The food bought, they go back home and eat and when they are done with the main dish and the dessert, Tony goes down to the office and looks through the numerous projects that he's managed to complete to leave for Pepper and SI, done when everyone though he was getting drunk and had sex with some random girls; there are still enough of those claiming to have slept with him.

Wednesday morning, Tony goes back to the office and the first thing he does is destroy some files that shouldn't be seen by anyone but him. Done with that, he makes himself a cup of coffee and sandwich and curls up in the armchair.

'JARVIS, I want you to make a simulation of what I will – what I will look like, Rives will look like, when we do everything as planned. Show me,' the A.I. does that obediently and Tony eyes the pictures critically. 'Percentage?'

'Given that, according to your plans, no one will be looking for Tony Stark, and there are no reference files that could be used for comparison, the probability that him and Nate Rives will be suspected to be the same person is 6.3%, sir.'

'Well, I guess we can't get anything better… Use the simulation for Rives' documents and have them ready for me when – when I am back. Or Happy will pick them up, if it will be necessary.'

'Of course, sir,' JARVIS agrees.

'All the paperwork for Pepper done?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Print it for me… The suits are secured?'

'Again, yes, sir.'

'You're an angel, J…' Tony murmurs, closing his eyes and messaging temples. He's been doing very good job at ignoring the fear slowly raising in his guts. Well, panic is a better word. Tony has never been a man who gets _scared_ easily, but the waiting is terrifying, especially that he doesn't know what to expect, the doctors can't tell him for sure what they will need to resect, and there is always, every single second, a thing inside his body that is killing him. _Slowly_.

'You keep saying that, sir,' JARVIS comments, cutting in his thoughts. A moment later Dummy rolls with the documents and Tony signs them with a flourish and puts them into a paper folder.

'Have the bots pack everything I need for – the hospital. I trust you to know what that will be and I trust them to do it nicely, okay? I go to SI now, need to talk with a few people, and I should be back in the afternoon. Tell Happy,' he adds; the bodyguard is doing his workout routine in the gym right now.

In SI Tower, Tony talks with his favorite R&D employees, as well as the new ones: he's hired seven of them two weeks prior and they've been acclimatizing themselves with the company, doing rather well; the whole new crew, now consisting of Irvin, Berry, Gilbert and sixteen young people is probably the best thing that has happened to SI in a long time and Tony is sure, really sure, they will be the core of the new research team that will rock the world.

While Tony is not there.

The rest of the day passes quickly; Tony gets a burger for late lunch and spends the afternoon in his workshop in the tower, then he goes back home and eats dinner with Happy.

Coulson gets a note saying that Iron Man will be unavailable until the end of the month, unless it's a life and death situation, and asks to be forgiven for the problems. The agent writes back saying that he hopes everything is all right. _We value our people_, he writes and that makes Tony smile. More likely _need_ than _value_, but okay.

'If it is life and death situation, _the end of the world_ kind of situation,' Tony tells Happy when they are finishing the dinner, 'I want you to come in.'

'Me,' the man snickers and rolls his eyes, but then he notices Tony is completely serious. 'Me? Are you sure you are feeling all right, boss?'

'I am, I am. But if it _really_ is life or death, well – you can refuse – I made a suit that will fit you. JARVIS knows everything, I just finished it a few days ago… We can go flying, when I'm back, if you want. Or you can, if I'm –'

'Stop right there, Tony,' Happy says, making Tony look up sharply. The man hardly ever calls him anything but _boss_. 'You better keep your word and fly with me, you idiot,' he adds and gives Tony a hug.

'I won't fall asleep tonight,' Tony murmurs into the man's shoulder, feeling awkward but kind of nice, at the same time. 'Movie night?'

'You pick the movies,' Happy replies and that's exactly what they do.

Pepper comes to Tony's apartment at 9 a.m., just like he asked her the previous day, and Tony waits for her in the small 'shop, tinkering with one of the bots' arms, since the joint has just malfunctioned recently. She stands in the doorway, staring at him, so Tony sighs, musters up all the courage he says and, masks in place, turns around to face her.

'Given everything that has been happening, Pep, and the fact that you know, I've been… irresponsible, or something, losing control, you can say, and I'm conscious enough to know what I've stepped into, runs in the family, and conscious enough to know that I'm too messed up to keep doing – all this –' Tony makes a vague gesture, hand shaking a slightest bit, 'I, hereby, irrevocably, appoint you chairman and CEO of Stark Industries. Effective immediately. Congratulations, you will do a great job.'

Pepper is silent for a few moments, but then she speaks up in disbelief.

'You are insane. And you've – you've been drinking.'

'Both are the exact reasons, Peppy,' Tony replies, smiling charmingly. 'Now shoo. All the paperwork was sent to Legal a few minutes ago. When you go back to the tower, it's all yours. They are waiting.'

'You're crazy –'

'You can't make me take it back,' Tony quips in. True. 'You will do great,' he adds, giving her a virtual kiss. 'Now, _shoo, _ I have things to do,' he says and basically pushes her out of the room.

'Is she gone?' he asks JARVIS a few minutes later, when the join is all fixed.

'Yes, sir.'

'Tell Happy I am ready,' Tony says, looks around the room for the last time, and leaves, too.

* * *

The next few hours are hectic; Tony gets admitted and meets the whole team of doctors that will operate him; it all feels unreal and strange to be surrounded with the white-clad silhouettes. Doc is there with him, though, and Happy who is Tony's recently appointed _next of kin_, just – just in case. They have discussed it, all of the decisions that he might have to make, if, if, if. At some point, maybe. _If._

Tony lets Doc and Happy occupy his mind with everything _but_, it's probably better not to think at this point, just – accept things as they come.

It still doesn't feel real.

It doesn't feel fucking real _at all_. Tony can't help but wonder if everyone feels this was or it's just him. It seems to be one of those _human things_ though, the things that Tony has managed to avoid or repress for a good portion of his life

Somehow, Tony manages to fall asleep at night for a few hours; maybe it is something he is given, because there were quite a few pills he swallows without asking what they are; he would be given an answer, he knows, but he didn't really feel like asking. His scientific mind doesn't exactly demand explanations now.

In the morning, there are a few more tests and when he's deemed ready for the surgery. The last thing he remembers is the anesthesiologist telling him to count from ten to one.

* * *

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels is numbness, mixed with pain, and several things attached to his body in various places. He remembers perfectly well – everything. But he is on too many sedatives, probably, to feel panicked, but he knows his heart should be beating fast with anticipation.

'Good morning, boss,' Happy's voice greets him and a moment later the man comes into view. Tony frowns a bit, not able to read anything from Happy's face.

'How did it –'

'Wait until the doctor comes and checks up on you,' Happy tells him, patting his hand clumsily. 'She will know you've woken up, she will be here any minute now –' the man manages to say before Levy comes into the room, Doc following her closely. Tony studies them briefly without blinking.

'Don't tell me,' he tells them. 'I can see it in your _faces_,' he adds, and he really imagines he can. 'Right?'

There is no answer. _Right_.

'We, well, opened your body,' Levy starts; sure it's easier for her, they've known each other for two months only, not _decades. _'The tumor was a bit different than we thought, given the tests' results… It's unresectable. We couldn't really do anything, we just sew you closed and let you rest.'

There is a long moment of silence.

'How long do I have?' Tony asks finally and it's calmer and more calculated that he'd ever expect of himself. It's probably shock, he realizes. Some time before the rational knowledge sinks in _for real._

'It depends on what you decide to do, Tony,' Doc speaks up, stepping closer to the bed. 'If it's not treated, one year, maybe a bit longer – but we could do palliative radiotherapy, the tumor has been responding quite well to what we've been giving you, all things considered. It would be a bit lighter, so you'd feel better, less side effects… That would give you two to three years, we can't give you more detailed estimation now.'

'Don't you dare to say you're sorry, _anyone_,' Tony says quickly, before they can do exactly that. '_Please_.'

Tony never says please.

'We can let you out tomorrow, you'll have to take care of the stitches. There is no need to keep you here any longer than that. How about you take your time until January to think? There isn't so much hurry now,' Levy says softly.

'Okay,' Tony agrees. '_Okay_.'

* * *

When Tony leaves the hospital, he goes straight home and the first thing he notices is a huge box addressed in a swirly writing to _Nate Rives _on the kitchen table. He opens it reluctantly and it turns out to be filled with _handmade_ Christmas cards. Tony grins so widely that his face almost hurts, throws all of them onto the table, sits cross-legged on the chair and goes through them one by one, methodically, reading the wishes inside, some of them sloppy and some neat, some with drawings and some with collages, some glittery, some black and white.

There are twenty seven.

It really makes his day.

The next thing he notices is a package with Nate Rives' documents, perfect condition, the photo resembling what Tony will look like.

Then Tony goes to sleep; Doc gave him sleeping pills; he's known Tony long enough to know that otherwise there would be no sleeping at all.

Pepper comes by the next morning to ask if Tony is planning to come to a New Year's Eve party. He hasn't expected to – to be able to, but he says yes. Pepper makes him promise he'll behave. Tony says he will do his best.

'If you need any kind of help or anything at all, Tony – I don't want to see you struggling like that. I just –'

'I know, I will,' Tony assures here; he _would_ if what she thinks – because he makes her think that – was true. It's not.

Tony has managed to read some of the papers from the day after Pepper being announced as the new CEO of SI and, unsurprisingly, they are not rather doubtful, but they all say that she is going to be a positive change after Tony himself. He agrees completely.

She looks happy. The change is small but obvious; Tony sees it only because he's been looking for it.

* * *

New Year's Eve party is, as Happy calls it, _the first scene of the third act_.

'I wouldn't be surprised at this point if you write a play about me,' Tony comments. Happy's smirk is kind of suspicious, but Tony knows the man is just playing with him.

New Year's Eve party is all Pepper has been anxious about and even though Tony doesn't really cause a scene – even if he'd like to, kind of, he's been feeling particularity carefree these days – because that would be too much. He's a mouthy little shit though and hits on a few wrong women, making a complete fool of himself, and ends up throwing up in the bathroom, the reason being completely different from what everyone thinks it is, but it works.

Tony is home a good hour before midnight; he gets himself a glass of champagne, some pumpernickel sandwiches and asks JARVIS to play Iron Man's coming out, since it's a one year anniversary. It's a good celebration, in a way, Tony decides.

* * *

The first Avengers meeting of the year, thankfully, is postponed to January 3rd.

Coulson asks Iron Man is he is okay. Tony says _yes_, because Iron Man _is_ okay: according to Doc and Levy, he should be able to live more or less normally, at least until a few months –before. And since Tony has decided to do the palliative radiotherapy, he should be _okay, _as okay as it gets, for a year or maybe two.

Everything could happen, but he hopes it will be – not too bad.

Doc tells him that is the good approach.

Tony smiles at that and it's even genuine.

The first radiation in planned for the middle of January is two days after Rhodey comes back from his mission; he's been away for over a hear. It's also three days after Iron Man goes for an op with the Avengers and that is a few days after their first sparring session and Tony can tell that their understanding of each other has already improved. When Tony is in the air, listening to Coulson's words pouring straight into his ear, he knows that everything will be fine and whatever they are doing right now is going to help someone; he knows that it is going to keep the Earth spinning. That sounds grand and impossible, but everything grand and impossible has to start somewhere.

Rhodey, as soon as he sees Tony, punches him in the face and then hugs him, getting blood all over his outfit. Tony begins to wonder if it's some kind of a thing.

'What the fuck do you think you are doing? Hmm? I've been in a shithole so deep that I couldn't contact you, deep covert op, and I come back and what do I learn? You fucking know what I learn!' Rhodey shouts at top voice, almost making the glass in the living room vibrate. Tony stares. 'I don't know what to do with you,' Rhodey says, shaking his head and staring at Tony intently, concern mixed with anger in his eyes.

'There is something I want to tell you,' Tony states in response, walking up to look at the night view of the city; at least he's not going to miss that. Nate's flat is already waiting and it's lovely. 'But I can't,' he adds and ignored all of Rhodey's pleading and begging, all the threats and tricks.

When Rhode finally gets that this time, he won't get anything out of Tony, he tells JARVIS to order pizza and makes Tony sit on the sofa and tell him everything that's been going on from _his point of view_.

Tony shares all the _Anthony Stark_ stories. That's what Rhodey is asking about, anyway.

The only moment when it's hard to keep his act natural is when Rhodey mentions how Iron Man came to the base that he's later been transferred to and everyone was excited like kids to see the superhero. Tony has no idea what he would really say about Iron Man if he was not Iron Man himself, but Rhodey seems convinced his act.

Rhodey stays with Tony for the night but in the morning he needs to report to the base and give his reports and do some other stuff Tony can't bring himself to care about.

The next it's the last day Tony spends in the house, he doesn't go out, not even to SI: everything he wanted to take care of he did before the surgery. There are still two suitcases in his wardrobe, full of suits that have been neatly folded. Tony leaves a note via JARVIS to donate them to whoever; it's not like Tony is going to wear them a lot now.

He spends the whole night up, sitting with his feet bare and cold, forehead pressed against the glass wall, staring at the cityscape and at the room full of shadows and orange-red reflections of the city glow; it's too high for ads to be visible.

Happy sleeps soundly downstairs, Tony knows, just as he should.

In the early morning, Tony is bleary-eyed when he drinks his coffee and manages to swallow half of a dry toast. Then he packs his last personal items into bags, takes the three of them – and leaves.

Everything has been cared for: Tony's secret lab is waiting for the last items to be delivered in half an hour; the suits and bots have been transported over the last two nights. The house is cleared from everything Tony doesn't want others to see. JARVIS remains installed, of course, supervising the place. Rives' apartment is waiting for its owner.

A car is waiting for Tony with a trunk open.

'Time for us, boss,' Happy says and he almost sounds as if he didn't regret anything. Tony is quite sure he himself doesn't – nothing but hurting Pepper and Rhodey, but it's just – just for the time being. For a few months.

Tony doesn't look back.

* * *

January 14th, 2012, all the newspapers write about is the disappearance of Tony Stark. _The Stark's star has fallen! _and _What happened behind the closed door? _and, in one paper, something as simple as _Tony Stark gone missing, SI CEO informs._

Iron Man flies – in his invisible suit – to Great Britain. Anthony Stark disappears from the face of Earth, Tony turns into Nate Rives and then a certain British citizen boards a London – New York 1600 hrs plane which arrives at JFK Airport at 1800 hrs local time, and soon he is greeted with those words:

'Welcome to the United States of America, Mister Rivers.'

The man smiles.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for all the comments! It made me so happy to read you're enjoying this. Please tell me what you think about this piece. I hope you'll keep supporting me! :)

The next part, _Was not a star on out side_, is going to cover in more detail the time between Tony's last hospital stay and the New Year's Eve. It should be up sometime next week.


	6. Was not a star on out side

**Was not a star on our side**

As long as Tony is in the hospital he doesn't really feel anything but numbness.

When he comes back and reads the cards he is happy and it's a warm amazing feeling in his guts and he's smiling, but it can only last for so long.

He manages to sleep somehow, thank heaven for the pills, even if it feels more like being unceremoniously knocked into unconsciousness rather than real sleep, but it's efficient and right; he wakes up in the morning less tired and feeling a bit more like himself, even though all that will be _a thing_ for some time, he knows it will.

Dealing with Pepper: easy. Masks perfectly in place. Tony plays his role and it's an Oscar-worthy performance, but it's the second act of the play so he already has a lot of experience other than all those years he's been practicing all secretly. Before –

– before Happy knew.

Now he has to talk with Happy, when the man comes from wherever Tony has told him to go, he can't really recall. He's been avoiding talking in the hospital, but he can't, he can't, he _can't_ avoid it forever even if that sounds like something he'd want. Usually making bad decisions is easier, Tony knows a thing or two about that; it's not time to allow himself that now, though.

Happy comes back with food. It's a simple chicken soup and some fresh warm bread rolls; all according to doctor's orders: even though there wasn't any real surgery, Tony is a convalescent for the next few days and he's supposed to rest a lot and eat light food and visit the hospital every two days to have a nurse look at the angry red line on his abdomen.

'Before you say you are not hungry, boss, let me tell you that I don't care and you're more responsible than refusing to eat when you know you need the strength,' Happy states before he even manages to put the food on the table and take shoes off. Tony looks up from where he is sitting on the sofa – see, he's been resting like a good boy, only partially because it hurts – and nods at his friend.

'Okay,' he replies, making a face. 'Okay, mama bear.'

'That's not even remotely funny,' Happy replies loudly from the other room and a moment later he comes back without shoes and coat. He _is_smiling a bit though. Tony sticks tongue at him and moves to stand up and drag himself to the kitchen table, but Happy gestures at him to stay down and disappear again. Tony obeys. A few minutes later Happy brings hot soup in giant mugs and the bread rolls with generous amount of butter and some fresh herbs.

'You in pain, boss?' Happy asks, handing Tony the mug and sitting down next to him. Tony doesn't reply, just takes a reluctant sip of the almost tongue-burning soup; it's the prefect taste, of course, Tony recognizes straight away where Happy got it from. 'I thought Levy managed to get into that thick head of yours that if you're in pain, you are supposed to take painkillers that she gave you.'

'Mhm,' Tony murmurs into the mug and continues to sip the liquid. Happy sighs deeply on his left, but doesn't get up.

They eat in silence and Tony is proud of himself for almost finishing his soup and a bread roll; he honestly hasn't expected to be able to eat that much, but maybe it was a mixture of stress, feeling nauseous for too long and what little remained of his appetite; the warm liquid soothes his stomach, though, and it is a pleasant feeling.

Happy takes the mug from his hand and stands up to take them to the kitchen; Tony watches the man, unblinking, as he takes even big steps and disappears behind a corner – and comes back two minutes later. Tony doesn't know why, but he hasn't really expected that.

'Don't go,' he realizes he's just said that aloud and looks away.

It's not something Tony Stark does, but Tony doesn't know who he is at the moment. It doesn't feel like he is Tony or Iron Man or Nate, it doesn't feel like any of the masks is on – and he doesn't really know what is left underneath. It's raw and painful and confusing.

'I wasn't planning to,' Happy replies and comes to sit on Tony's left again. 'I'm not going anywhere.'

Tony doesn't acknowledge those words. They sit in silence for what feels like a second, but Tony knows it's twenty-seven minutes because he checked the time.

'Why are you still here?' Tony asks Happy when the numbers on the clock change to a full hour; it's good to see four zeros at the end of the number, it seems orderly and right, and Tony likes order a lot.

'You asked me not to go,' Happy replies easily. 'For one. And I don't want to be anywhere else.'

'That's romantic,' Tony murmurs weakly. It's difficult to talk and it gets only more difficult as the sun is moving on the sky and crawling slowly into the room with its long and surprisingly warm rays. The room is so still and the air is so thick that Tony can swear he can see the tiny pieces of dust swimming around lazily, never falling to the ground.

'You can keep dreaming, boss,' Happy replies, also quietly, but his voice seems booming in the still space anyway.

'Mhm,' Tony murmurs absentmindedly again. 'I didn't want you to know,' Tony says. Happy looks at him sharply. 'I don't want you to know. I don't want anyone to know.'

'That is stupid thinking,' Happy comments, eying Tony uncertainly.

'I know,' Tony admits weakly. 'I'm a genius, I know, but I don't want to –'

'Why?'

'I don't want to talk about it,' Tony replies quickly, burying his face in his knees.

'You never want to talk about anything,' Happy counters, never tearing his gaze away from Tony's smaller figure. 'The only person you ever tell things is JARVIS.'

Tony doesn't reply, but he loves Happy so much for being one of these few people who call the JARVIS a person and not just an A.I. or a computer or nothing at all.

'And you talk to JARVIS only when you –'

'Don't you start to psychoanalyze – and patronize me, not you too,' Tony cuts in, still talking into his knees, his voice muffled and low.

'I'm not going to. I'm going to do nothing but tell you that you are being stupid, but well, you know that very well. I told you that when you decided not to tell Pepper or Rhodey.'

'I don't want to talk about that –' Tony repeats stubbornly, feeling as if someone was making a hole in the middle of his abdomen; the emptiness it overwhelming, but he is _not_ going to break his word, a word he gave himself, and it would only make everything worse.

Just a few months. A few, a few.

He can't imagine telling them anyway; it's _easier_ not to because he knows what they will be like; they will panic and coddle him and try to act normally but won't manage to be convincing enough to fool him. He might act fooled – they always expect it – but he never is. _Genius, remember?_

Then, suddenly, he realizes that there is a hand on his shoulder and he's feeling lightheaded and his breathing is strange and too intense – _don't, just don't_, he tells himself but it's just words and he knows perfectly that he is hyperventilating but he can't stop.

'Tony,' Happy's voice cuts through the buzz in his ears, 'Calm down, boss, okay? I've got you here. I've got you.'

Tony knows, but knowing and acting, knowing and persuading his body that it is real it not easy when your head is fuzzy and you've got lights dancing in front of your closed eyes and –

– Happy's big arms wrap around Tony's shoulders and it's like a magical barrier.

'Tony, calm down,' Happy says is the same flat patient voice; Tony can feel the man's heartbeat, slow and regular and so different from his; he can feel the man's chest moving regularly and breath by breath he tries to follow the pattern. It makes the noise and the lights disappear after a few minutes, Tony knows it's a few minutes. 'Boss, you with me? Are you okay? Do you want me to call Doc?' Happy asks slowly, his voice clear, the words easy to pick out and Tony _hates_ it, even if it genuinely helps.

He doesn't want to need _special treatment._

'Are you going to be okay?' Happy asks and Tony snaps; he knows that it's wrong and cruel and terrible of him but he can't stop himself, it's just all the anger, all the frustration, all the fear building up –

'Of-fucking-course I will be okay!' Tony shouts, wriggling out of the man's grasp and moving to the end of the sofa; he knows it looks more pathetic than anything else, scrambling backwards like that, running away like that, but he can't stand this – everything. 'Stop pitying me!' he shouts, too, and looks away not to see Happy's face.

'I _don't_ pity you,' Happy counters firmly, but doesn't move, not even a slightest shift.

'Of course you don't,' Tony mocks; he doesn't know why, but his throat hurts a lot. And his head.

It's just all so pointless.

'No, I don't, but I can't you believe me when I say that –'

'Can you go away now?' Tony interrupts because it suddenly seems like a great idea: he would be okay if he was by himself. He would be okay if there was no one to look at him like _that_ and no one to ask questions and it'd just be calm.

'I won't.'

'You _what_? Can you get the fuck out of here? It's my house and I – I want to _be left alone_!' Tony shouts again, surprising himself: he isn't the one to do so normally, but – this is everything but normal –

_I just want to be alone_, Tony almost wails, but he stops himself, somehow, just a moment more –

'Don't you understand, boss? I'm not going away anywhere,' Happy states calmly and a moment later he's next to Tony and tries to wrap his arms around him again; Tony kicks and tries to move away but he is too weak still, and too hurt, to put up a real fight or resist truly, and a moment later he finds himself almost in Happy's lap, face buried in the man's clothes – and crying.

It is pianissimo, piano piano, stifled choked sobs when he is shouting and then suddenly, with Happy holding him, it's forte and there is no stopping the tears; Tony hates himself so much for showing such a weakness that there are no words to express it, he hasn't been like that – ever, probably ever – but he can't stop.

His chest starts hurting too soon, around the reactor, and his back and the stitched abdomen and his head, he feels bile and tears in his throat but it's okay, he swallows it and doesn't throw up all over the carpet, accomplishment of the day, but the tears make it hard to breathe.

'No, _Tony_, calm down, I know it's difficult to breathe but go with me, okay? Like me,' Happy instructs calmly and if Tony was not so in denial he would notice the concerned unsure note in Happy's voice. 'You see, this is what you always do. You always want us all to leave you alone, so that you could deal with whatever is on your mind on your own, and I'm _not_ letting you – no one should have to do this alone,' Happy continues. 'You've got to let it out at some point, Tony. I know you never did after Afghanistan, you didn't last year when all this started…'

'Hate crying,' Tony mumbles, but nevertheless he _can't_ stop.

Happy tightens the hug and doesn't seem to mind the way Tony is trembling.

'I know you do, boss, but sometimes you just _need_ it.'

Tony says nothing.

It takes him a full hour to calm down enough to be able to breathe normally and speak without choking on tears, and Happy hasn't said anything more and hasn't done anything but hold Tony and stroke his back reassuringly. Tony hates that it helps, but doesn't say that out loud because they both know it.

When Tony finally moves from his leaning-on-Happy position, he takes a few moments to breathe and get used to sitting up; he doesn't feel like fainting, another success of the day.

'I'm not going to make you talk to me or anything,' Happy says, observing Tony closely, 'and I won't suggest that you talk with a _psychologist _or anyone, I just – it really just helps to say some things aloud, Tony. It's not the matter of answers, it's just the matter of letting some words out… Talk to JARVIS, maybe, or to yourself, if that helps, just don't – don't try to put on a smile now and bottle it up. It's not gonna work.'

'And when did you become so skilled in makeshift psychology?' Tony asks, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He's sick of being tired all the time, including after all the sleep he's got recently.

'You pay me to stay behind, unnoticed, and observe people. I might have picked up a thing or two, and besides, you know it very well – you're messed up, boss. Most people are piece of cake to read, compared to you, and during that decade I've been working for you, I had to come up with my own Tony Stark handbook…'

'I am a fucking mess,' Tony admits almost inaudibly, but he knows that Happy knows him well enough that he doesn't really need to hear those words spoken to know what Tony is thinking. 'I am scared,' Tony adds, not moving. It feels strangely bitter, saying those words aloud.

'Well, of course you are –' Happy starts, but Tony doesn't let him continue. _It's about something else, right?_

'No, you don't get it – I am _scared_,' Tony repeats, saying the words more slowly and firmly. 'I haven't been scared like this during any of Avengers missions, I haven't been the previous time, I – I haven't been scared like that _in_ _Afghanistan_, even, I was desperate and angry and focused and it was all well beyond being scared, I figured I'll just die quickly and with purpose and it's – _two to three years, Tony_, fuck –' Tony stops right there, choking down another sob and before he can try to stop himself, he's crying again and he's embarrassed and in pain and there is nothing he can do – that's the big thing, there is nothing he can do, there is nothing that can be done at all, by anyone, he is just supposed to somehow go on while being aware, every second of every hour, that right under the stitched cut and later the scar on the abdomen, that there is something there, killing him from the inside that can't be helped, can't be removed, and nothing can be _predicted_, really; all that only makes his stomach feel like turning inside out.

And Tony really feels like he is being irrational, it's not like he is going to die tomorrow, at least it's not any more likely than it's been his whole life. It's just that – there are so many things he has to take care of now. Soon. Sometime soon. And even just thinking about that seems impossible.

* * *

It takes Tony two days before he really stops. He honestly doesn't remember crying that much _ever_ and it's silly because he is just wasting the little time he has left while he should be up, out, doing something –

– and instead, he tells Pepper he's working on a project and can't be disturbed and spends most of those two days in bed and on the big sofa in the living room, in a fetal position because it makes his chest and abdomen hurt less. Happy brings him food and coerces him into eating and sits with him for hours, but seems to know exactly when to leave him alone.

Doc comes, too, and Tony is too tired to sit up and pull the masks back on. But Doc has seen him being a mess like now probably more than anyone but JARVIS.

'I want to punch you now, but that would be unethical,' Doc tells Tony when he's doing the stiches check-up, since Tony doesn't feel like going to the clinic or inviting some nurse into his home.

'Why?'

'Because I know you are feeling indulgent and guilty and it's dumb, because you simply can't understand that you can't rush yourself now, can you? You've got some irrational feeling that you owe something to the humanity and you're wasting time on yourself, and might feel true, but it's_not_. Right now, there is nothing – _nothing_, you got it? – that is more important than you. Give yourself a week or a month or a fucking year, if you need it.'

Tony considers.

But it only makes him more assured that he's been doing the right thing all along: disappear. Being someone other than Tony Stark means there will be so much time he'll have for himself, to – figure things out.

Doc doesn't react when Tony cries and Tony is incredibly grateful for that.

* * *

After those two days, Tony spends the morning packing three suitcases if (of) items he will need from the house and gives them to Happy, asking the man to take them to Nate's future flat. Happy agrees reluctantly and admits that he doesn't feel like leaving Tony alone, but in the end he drives away.

Tony puts on a hoodie with the hood over his head, a baseball cap and sunglasses, an insulated jacket and old jeans and a pair of worn-out sneakers. JARVIS told him, giving the weather overview in the morning, that it's sunny and snow-less but cold. Tony likes that; it makes going incognito only easier.

'Tell Happy that I am okay and that I went for a walk,' Tony says before leaving the apartment.

It's a better cover than most: no one expects Tony Stark to _walk_ anywhere, especially in the morning and dressed like that.

A week to Christmas, Tony realizes when he's out of the building. There are so many people around, much more than normally, almost all bearing bags and boxes and more bags, wearing thick gloves and big scarves and winter boots. There are decorations everywhere, too, lights and tinsels and trees, Santas and reindeer, red and green, silver and gold, everything flashing, blinking, moving, and everything so fucking shallow.

Tony is tempted to go back as honestly, it's all overwhelming and he is nursing a headache, but he doesn't.

Instead, he keeps walking for a few hours, until his feet hurt and he feels strange, as if he was a ghost passing among all those living people. Dragging his feet and body clad with the big and uncomfortable clothing is tiring but he manages, he always does, that's what being a Stark means. No matter what it's about, he manages, because letting yourself fail at the small things makes you fail at the big ones, a natural consequence.

The Christmas atmosphere has never felt so unfitting before, and that's saying something as Tony has never really celebrated the holiday after he was sent away to boarding school when he was seven.

Back home, he slowly starts to pack other things; there are still some weeks before moving out, but he needs it all to be slow and subtle and thorough. Happy helps, the bots pick things up for him and place them in suitcases and boxes, excited and just a tad anxious – if someone calls robots anxious, it's Tony, of course – and then help to pack them into the car.

During the next few days, more and more little things disappear from the rooms and a whole lot more does from Tony's personal spaces where no one but him enters so no one will ask questions.

'It's only completing the whole big process,' Tony tells JARVIS when he's packing some tools he's not going to use anytime soon. 'It feels like that, everything around disappearing piece by piece. Seems fitting.'

'You will be the same person even when you change your name,' JARVIS replies – well, comments, since there wasn't any question and it's more of an opinion than anything else. 'You are still a whole.'

'Only four people in the universe know that, though,' Tony notes. There will be some more when Tony tells the few people in hospital he _has to_tell, but that's job for January. 'Three corporeal – one of which is me – and one you,' he adds, flashing a smile at the nearest camera.

'Is it… _difficult_, sir?'

'What do you mean, J?' Tony asks, frowning, but keeps organizing the wrenches in the metal box neatly, movements mechanical and sure.

'Betrayal.'

Tony looks up sharply at the word and blinks a few times, trying to figure out if the vowels and consonants he's heard make sense. But JARVIS never makes mistakes.

'_Betrayal_?' Tony repeats and then snickers. _Is that what the whole situation is, objectively_? 'You mean, I'm betraying the whole world, or the whole world has betrayed me?'

His voice is clearly amused and Tony knows JARVIS would frown if he could.

'I don't know, sir – probably both.'

Tony laughs, but it only makes his recently all-the-time-sore chest hurt more.

'I don't think it _is _betrayal on either side,' he says in the end, closing the box and handing it to You to be put with other things to take to Nate's place. 'They just do, _viciously _ but okay, they just do what they think is their job. And I run away, that's a bit cowardly, but we've been through that –'

'Indeed, sir.'

'I don't feel like I am leaving a lot behind,' Tony muses, offering JARVIS another smile, this time a real one. 'Funny thing, right? Genius, inventor, billionaire, playboy and owner of what, one tenth of the U.S., hmm? And I don't feel like I am leaving anything important behind. I'm – I'm fucking_forty-one_ now. Forty-one and a half and I leave behind everything I have ever done – besides Iron Man, okay, but still – and it feels like nothing, it's not even a difficult decision,' Tony says and laughs harshly, feeling tears in his eyes again, and takes a few ragged breaths to calm himself down. _Again_.

But it really isn't difficult, running away.

It's interesting to think what things would be like if one of the variables was different: if there was no madness about SI, if there was no Iron Man, if there was no Afghanistan and its consequences, if there was no cancer and no dying… But it's all just speculation.

And Tony doesn't like anything but facts or theories he can prove.

'I only want you to be happy, sir.'

'Do you even know what it means, happy?' Tony asks curiously. Logically, the A.I. should grasp the concept, but not _feel_ it, not _get _it, but JARVIS is more than anyone could have ever dreamed of.

'I don't really feel human emotions, sir, you know that,' JARVIS says before giving the real answer; Tony knows it's almost true. 'I believe it's the opposite of what flashed through my – system – when you told me you will be gone thirty years sooner than statistically expected for your health, nationality, social class, et caetera. I – there will be no one and nothing out there world for me and at that point, nothing in the world will really matter when you are not there, sir. Not even to me, I believe, a programmed being.'

'I don't know how yet, but I _won't_ let _anything_ like that happen,' Tony promises and knows that JARVIS knows that he is going to keep his word.

* * *

On Christmas Eve, Tony wishes Pepper happy holidays, takes the suit and flies to Malibu because he needs to think and he needs – the ocean. He needs the ocean.

During the flight, he calls Doc and asks tells him he has decided to try the radiation.

'That's the best Christmas gift, kid, even if I don't celebrate Christmas –'

'Why?'

'Well, I think it means I get to fake-wish you Merry Christmas next year, too,' Doc explains, making Tony smile just a bit. Yes. It probably means just that.

* * *

The first thing Tony does when he arrives to Malibu is leave his bags and then go to walk by the shore. It is juts morning and it's ridiculously warm compared to New York, almost – almost like early autumn.

The wind engulfs him as soon as he gets down the cliff: it brings little drops of water and then makes them dry, leaving salty marks on his face. He licks them from his lips and it feels funny, like tears; rain is not like tears – but the breeze of a sea is.

After some time he lays on his back, feeling an immediate ease in his spine and chest around the reactor, what feels like his body is happy with the rest it can finally get. Tony's hands go under his head and he know too well in a few minutes his arms will be all numb but it is the least of his worries. When he shifts the sand is moving under his body not unlike water mattress in his bed.

It takes some time, even with the comforting sounds, before he falls asleep and when he wakes, it is to the sound of waves crashing frantically and the sky being covered with dark grey clouds talking of storm. He draws a deep breath, so deep that his lungs start to hurt. He imagines he can feel the molecules of air coming through his mouth and nose into his lungs, then moving into his blood cells, being carried to every single cell in his body, to his bones, muscles, and nerves, and it makes him shiver inwardly.

The weather, the ocean, they capture Tony's whole attention and he focuses on them and shivers shivers shivers and gives himself to the wind, letting it flow in his veins. His heart is pounding and his head starts hurting and he can feel the rhythm the firm ragged beats in his temples; that is good. After those few weeks of being almost in a different world he feels _real_, he finally feels _real_.

Tony gets up and suddenly finds himself running through the sand, slipping on the moist ground but he likes it and laughs mirthfully, like a little baby who just learned how to walk; then he falls and remains laying for a few minutes, eyes closed because the wind makes them dry and hurting.

Tears start coming _again_, but this time – to cleanse – and it's just like salty water of the ocean, and amidst that storm he feels _happy._

'Why do I have to choose,' he whispers to himself. 'Why do we all have to choose and can't just do things like this all the time.'

The words are lost to the roaring wind and the music it plays; it feels like there is nothing but Tony himself on the earth now, it's so easy to forget.

He gets up and runs faster even though his legs are weak, his whole body is still weak, but he does not feel that really, he is over such weakness – that's what being a Stark is a about, again, again, always, even if he's not going to be a Stark for long now – he is over everything, it's like flying, blending in the dark water.

When he's finally out of breath he stops and sits down, wrapping his arms around himself; then he lays on the sand again and curls in a ball and laughs, the laughter is hard and bitter and _free_. It is all like walking in a mist, or being at the edge, between two worlds, one is behind him and it is grey and brown and white, everything he's done and been before – and the other is in front of his eyes, it is the enchanting ocean and unending sky and the horizon, and everything farther, other countries, continents, planets, stars, galaxies, universes…

'_I see the shaded part on one side where the sleepers are sleeping_,' Tony mouths soundlessly, '_and the sunlit part on the other side, I see the curious rapid change of the light and shade, I see distant lands, as real and near to the inhabitants of them as my land is to me._'

Then this thought comes to his mind, that he could go there _forever_, it would be so easy, to easy, almost too easy, just keep going forward without hesitation and they the darkness would claim him and he would wake up in a different world –

– a sirens' song, he is being called, they promise rest, and calmness and comfort, everything he's dreamed of, everything – so he gets up and walks slowly even though his thoughts are racing and he's dizzy, but he keeps going, puts his feet forward and cold water claims them and then his calves and his knees and his thighs and hips and abdomen –

– everything suddenly goes quiet.

He can't hear the wind anymore, or waves or gulls, there is only the ringing noise in his ears getting louder and louder until it is too much and starts to hurt.

Tony puts his both hands into the water and cleans his face; the water is so salty and bitter, his eyes sore from it. He can feel the pull of air around his chest and arms and head but it seems to be silent.

'What have I done,' he whispers. 'What I would have done…'

It is not what he wants, and even if it was, Tony – he would never kill himself, he knows he is too close to death anyway, but it is so enchanting, so great, the rush in his body, the trembling with excitement and anticipation… A whim, a mistake, he can't say why he would even step into the water but he wants to stay there forever –

– and when he thinks _forever_, everything snaps back in place because it's like a fucking punch these days, it's a trigger these days: there is no future, no planning, no _in a few years_, certainly no _forever._

Everything snaps back in place: the wind is howling around him again and he is shivering more and more when the high waves keep coming; he chokes on the air and blinks countless times when the tears come.

He turns around tries to run thru the thick water to the shore and when he finally manages to get out of the sea's grasp his steps unexpectedly feel _so_ light, like flying, and the freezing sensation hits him. He takes a few more steps and falls and this time it hurts, but – being free always hurts.

'I can't do that again,' Tony tells himself but it doesn't help and he starts crying so much that it is hard to breath, tears keep running down his throat: suddenly it all feels so definite, so fucking impossible to accept: that there will be so few nights like that. That instead of decades he has years now – even if he's never expected to live for so long, probably, but he's never expected to die so soon, either – and everything seems finite. That he cannot stay here _forever_ and even forever would not be long enough.

His arms and legs feel too weak, the body exhausted with all the recent events refuses to do anything at all and he has no strength to get up; it feels like being dead and resigned and free, at the same time, _so free_.

Tony manages to smile, close his eyes and ignore the cold; it takes him a long time to calm down enough to fall asleep again.

When he wakes up it is probably the middle of the night and he can see the most beautiful starry sky he could have ever imagined, something he always misses when he's not here.

'It was worth it,' he says to himself, words sounding strangely firm. 'It was all worth every pain, wasn't it?'

He doesn't move. The clothes have dried on him and now feel itchy from salt but Tony can hardly notice anything but the stars, and he makes the only right decision: to forget about everything for now and give himself to them.

'I will make things right,' he tells the night sky. 'I still don't know how exactly and I should know because I don't have enough time to waste on thinking, but… Iron Man will make things right. Nate will – _I_ will.'

* * *

**A/N:** First of all, thank you for the comments! I was so happy to read you enjoyed the last chapter, I hope this, even though more introspective than plot-driven, was to your liking too. I will love you forever if you keep giving me all the incredible feedback!

Beta-ed by Quaxo, all remaining mistakes are mine.

The next installment, _I sing your restless longing_, will be a closer introduction to a certain Nate Rives :)


	7. I sing your restless longing

**I sing your restless longing **

Tony gets to London in the afternoon of the local time, flying in the invisible Iron Man suit straight to Nate's apartment, and Mister Jarvis Junior – Edwin's son who's been invisibly taking care of Tony's affairs in Great Britain and well, Europe in general – is waiting for him, with hot tea ready to be poured into porcelain cups at any time.

'What do I call you now?' he asks as soon as Tony takes the helmet of. It's a valid question.

It took Tony a long time to stop Scott from calling him _sir_, what the man has been insisting on even though he's not much older than Tony himself.

'You know I answer to both Tony and Nate just the same,' Tony replies, rolling his eyes, as JARVIS makes the suit unwrap and the armor is standing behind Tony a moment later. 'I've only got… six hours until I need to be at the airport. Three hours before the flight leaves, so boring. I haven't flown a commercial flight in _years_.'

Scott makes is seven people that know about Tony's decision – and four that know about Iron Man, too – as Tony had to tell Levy and two nurses what's going on. His new radiologist will meet Nate Rives and not Tony Stark, since his true identity is irrelevant at that point.

'Oh, so you have flown a commercial flight before?' Scott asks with fake surprise, filling the cups with coffee and milk and offering Tony one. 'What do you want to do first, then?'

'The hair,' Tony decides and sits down to drink the tea. 'Just a moment. Give me a moment – how has everything been here?'

'Same old, same old…. Still raining and I'm still waiting for that thing you promised to make for me to make the rain disappear in one kilometer radius.'

'I've been kind of busy –'

'With other things, I know, of course,' Scott cuts in, takes the last sip of his drink and sets the cup down. 'Although it would be nice if you did manage to make me something like that at some point…'

'I won't,' Tony replies seriously. 'I won't, but Nate might, he's going to have helluva more free time than me.'

'You sure that is a good idea?' Scott, the perceptive beast, asks; he knows Tony well enough to be aware that Tony having too much free time ends in with doing something impossibly stupid, impossibly brave – or with feeling depressed. No good options.

'I'll have my time filled enough with things, just not things I _have to _do, this time I choose. That feels like so great… And I have a few things in my mind. I will tell you later, when I know it's even possible.'

'Sure. Though I don't know if I want to know.'

'It's nothing that terrible,' Tony counters, but doesn't elaborate.

When they are finished with the tea and biscuits, it's time to make all things real; it requires some science Tony's been working on, some handicraft, and some little obvious everyday changes.

First thing, with Scott's help: shaving the hair off. _All of it_. The facial hair and the hair on Tony's head – that's a strange feeling, he's never had it like that before, it's like – like he can feel the air swirling around his head, all of sudden.

He laughs and Scott rolls his eyes again as he puts the electric shaver away.

The first thought that comes to Tony's mind after that, when he looks at his reflection in the mirror, is: _so, this is how I would look like if I was regularly getting chemo?_ He doesn't look like himself. He hasn't shaved the goatee off since – since he took over SI and decided to play an adult. Twenty years ago.

'Now, you're gonna be like a teenage girl before prom,' Scott tells him, taking the henna set in and putting it in front of Tony. Tony's natural hair is brown, but not very dark; they have thought about bleaching the eyebrows and eyelashes, but that's too much bother and it would look a bit too ridiculous for Tony's liking. So they make it black instead, and pluck the eyebrows to make the line thinner; it'll need to be repeated two-three times a month, as long as Tony will have plans of going out as _Nate_.

The next puzzle piece – Tony's science comes in here – he's made special _medicine_ thingy that alters melatonin in skin a bit and makes it appear a few shades darker, as if after a few days of sunbathing in Hawaii. Biology is not Tony's usual field of work, but he's a genius, so he figured out everything he needed. And – Tony Stark has been mostly living in lab-office-workshop all his life, no exotic holidays recently, he's been rather pale; maybe not sickly pale, but kind of close. Neither the cave nor Iron Man suit have helped there.

So, it's taking a few long steps away from what Tony Stark is, was, whatever…

When all of that is done, two more easily-done things: colored contacts, Tony has brown eyes, Nate's are green. And glasses, only to – divert potential watcher's attention; he's bought a normal black thick-rimmed Ray Ban; no point in buying any of his usual brands, that would be just giving clues away.

Then, everything done, Tony has JARVIS take a photo of his face via his laptop's camera, and put it next to the one he's made at the beginning of the story, in October. It's really not likely that someone will notice the similarities, especially that Tony's made sure no one would actually be looking for him, leaving Pepper a note that basically said that he's leaving and not coming back and not much more.

But she will understand, he keeps telling himself. She will.

'So, how do I look, Scott, honey?' Tony asks, turning around to present himself to the man. Scott squints theatrically and takes a few moments to reply.

'I know that it's still you,' he decides, 'but if I didn't know, I wouldn't guess.'

'Perfect then,' Tony laughs.

He really _doesn't _feel like himself – like Stark.

Clothes are easy: no one really sees Tony in anything other than suits – the whole world – or oil-stained, dirty worn-out clothing – that's Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, Obie and some engineers that he collaborated with.

Nate wears green chinos and plain t-shirts and perfectly clean sneakers. With the radiation and everything, Tony's lost some weight but he's been hiding that perfectly, and following doctors' advice he will no longer do his usual workout, that was a rather strenuous thing, and even with the physical activity he is – or soon will be – fit for, he knows he will drop twenty pounds of solely muscle _easily_.

There: a whole new person.

Neither him nor Tony have a shiny trinket embedded in their bodies, shining the same blue that Iron Man's chest piece has.

* * *

The four hours that Tony has left in Great Britain he spends in a pub with Scott; somehow, lunch including mashed peas and Eton mess sound strangely appealing today. It has been some time since Tony has visited the country – well, Europe in general – and it's nice to breathe fresher air and hear the different accent for once.

It doesn't take long for Tony to _feel_ Nate Rives' vibe; he's been impersonating the man a few times before when he wanted to get away from everyone the way that he wouldn't be found, an impossible feat when he goes out as Tony Stark.

It's been years – the neighborhood feels familiar, though, as if he hasn't left it at all: the same trees, so big that the growth is impossible to notice. The same brick houses, in neat rows, one by one, one by one… Mostly the same shops and cafés, as if time has stopped.

It would be easy to believe that everything that has happened within Tony's three-year-long absence was a lie, an illusion, a dream.

Tony and Scott walk back to the apartment on foot; when they get there, it's only half an hour before Tony has to leave. He briefly looks at the suitcase he's got packed with Nate's clothes and some personal items that are necessary to make everything look natural and unsuspicious.

Before going out, Tony puts on a special device he's made to prevent the arc reactor from being picked out by metal detectors – it would be kind of difficult to explain something like that in your chest.

'I will see you when you come to visit. Soon, I hope?'

'Sorry I'm gonna miss the housewarming party,' Scott sighs and gives Tony a hug before shoving him into the car.

'Not much of a party,' Tony sighs, closing the door behind himself. 'Just me, Happy, Doc and a handful of insane robots. Kind of like being in college all over again…'

'Well, at least you won't get completely drunk, will you?'

'Doc would kill me,' Tony laughs. It's difficult to stifle the nervousness in his voice. 'But who knows, I might try anyway…'

Scott laughs, too, and drives Tony to Heathrow in a suspiciously short time, even though it doesn't _feel_ as if he was breaking any laws. Not that Tony is paying much attention to that.

'See you in the U.S., _Nate_,' Scott says, giving him a final hug before Tony takes his suitcase and walks away, waving the man a goodbye.

No talking from now on, to get in-character.

* * *

The flight is so, so long and noisy and uncomfortable, even in first class. Tony decides it's more comfy to fly the New York to Afghanistan route in the suit than spend all the time sitting in a strange armchair that makes Tony's back and chest hurt for no apparent reason. It takes him three hours – what equals one and a half of a terrible movie and a meal he doesn't even feel like eating – to take a few of the sleeping pills Doc gave him. He spends the next few hours in a blissful slumber, waking up conveniently half an hour before the landing.

When he walks out of the plane, among other _normal_ people, he feels _naked_.

It's a mixture of valid sensations, because his head is _bald_ and his face _clean-shaven_, and a – metaphysical feeling. There are no eyes on him, no stares, no whispers; he's just nobody, just another nobody people see and then forget, and yet he feels just as exposed as he always did as Stark.

It's going to take some weeks to unlearn that and to stop expecting someone to ask him for autograph or a photo or something like that.

Setting his foot down on the ground is like being there for the first time ever. Then an officer checks Tony's documents and hands them back to Tony who manages not to cringe at something being put into his hand, and the man says:

'Welcome to the United States of America, Mister Rives.'

Tony smiles for what feels like an eternity.

It's only a second though, then he nods at the man and walks past him to get to the exit and find Happy who is waiting for him in a totally common and not ostentatious black Audi.

'To the apartment, boss?' Happy asks as soon as Tony gets into the car.

'You're probably the only person who doesn't have a problem with what they should call me – even if it's just four of us –'

'So Scott knows?' Happy asks, starting the engine.

'Well, Scott always knows everything, just like you,' Tony offers and sinks into the chair, giving in to the smooth movements of the car.

It's strange how different New York seems to look behind the windows, it feels much less familiar than Nate's neighborhood in London – maybe that's just autosuggestion, Tony figures – even though Tony knows the area of Nate's apartment very well.

It's a far call from Tony Stark's one, but it's all Tony needs now. He's bought the place a long time ago, more or less ten years – it's the top floor of one of the big tenement houses. There is an amazing view and a simple stylish loft-like interior; it's not very big but has everything that Tony needs. Also, the good thing is that if you offer enough money, no one asks questions. No one asks _Nate_ questions.

The space is basically divided in even halves: one of them has been long turned into a lab/workshop where the bots and two suits are, just in case; there are about three people in the universe that have access to that area. The other part is a regular living space, with bedrooms, bathroom and an open space of living room and kitchen. The interior is simple and shouts _Nate_ all over, being devoid of modern art pieces, expensive alcohols and useless but expensive items that all have been always present in Tony Stark's house and offices.

The rest of the suits and Tony's real workshop are in a house the family has owned for _ages_, but not in the Stark Mansion – Tony doesn't feel like going back there at all, not to mention that everyone knows it's his and there is bound to be security he's have to play with. The other house is a few dozen blocks away and neither Tony nor Howard have ever lived there. It has three underground levels though, only one of them is _public_ – the garage – and the other two, much deeper, Tony has turned, just in case, into a workspace.

There has always been a big probability of him needing somewhere where he could hide from the world, and now the time has come.

So as soon as they get to the apartment, Tony unpacks the suitcase, makes himself a couple of sandwiches and asks Happy to watch some movie with him; it's after eight now and Tony feels a bit disoriented because all the time changes; he isn't tired though, thanks to all the hours he's slept on the plane.

In the end, after the movie, Happy goes to his room and Tony can't fall asleep even though he probably should: radiation starts tomorrow at 8 a.m.

There isn't anything he has to do now: all the projects he's been working on were completed before the surgery or before he had to leave his Tower apartment, there is not even a single thing that has pending status for the first time – for the first time ever, probably. Tony can't really remember the times before Howard started to give him things to do and deadlines to accompany the tasks, stating that it will only _teach the boy some discipline._

Imagining the amount of time he has to fill now – by himself, without obligations and necessities – makes him feel a bit strange and confused, but it's all good feelings. He could get used to that: it's finally making all the decisions freely, even if that seems absurd as he's had the money and position to make bargains for decades. He has just never really let himself make the right decisions.

'JARVIS, what do I do now?' he asks the A.I. around midnight, because he usually seems to have an unexpected answers for whatever crazy question Tony might ask.

'Sir?'

Apparently, he doesn't make sense even to his mind-reading friend now. That, or JARVIS doesn't have answers; it seems wrong to even think that, though.

'I'm – I'm starting everything anew. How do people do that?'

'I believe hardly anyone does that, sir,' JARVIS comments and falls silent. 'And, it's not everything –'

'You know what I mean,' Tony sighs and drags himself up from the sofa where he's been hoping he would fall asleep. If he's not going to, then he can as well grab a cup of coffee. 'It just, you know – it feels so… empty. There have been, always, circumstances, pushes, needs, necessities, and now it's all gone; Nate, he doesn't have a life like that –'

'You don't need any external motivation, sir. You've got enough drive and thirst for creating to sustain a hundred regular people –'

'Is that scientific data, or did you just make that up?'

'I believe it's an accurate assumption,' JARVIS offers, making Tony chuckle.

'I don't know if I made the right decision,' Tony explains, moving his hand instinctively to run it through his hair but – _ah._ There just isn't anything there. He has almost, almost managed to forget.

'If I may, sir, according to advice that can be found online, everything seems clearer and easier in the morning. So perhaps you shouldn't worry…'

'You quote _internet_ self-help websites to me now? I can't believe I call you an artificial _intelligence._, baby,' Tony comments, shaking his head disbelievingly, then he finally drags himself to the kitchen corner and presses absentmindedly the right buttons to make his favorite kind of coffee.

'I don't have my own advice to offer, sir – I am a computer program and therefore I can't don't know how to give you answers other than based on statistics I can access and you know that perfectly well.'

'Guess I do,' Tony murmurs and goes silent for some time, sipping the coffee slowly. 'There is no looking back – no going back now,' he tells JARVIS and saying it aloud makes it feel real, makes a shiver run through his body.

'I have calculated the estimation for your plan working, sir, if you are interested,' the A.I. offers when Tony is done with the drink.

'Plan?'

'Keeping Nate Rives and Iron Man separate to the whole world,' JARVIS explains and Tony nods in agreement. 'With current variables, the possibility of someone connecting those two is 1.3 percent. Unless the variables change, sir, you are completely safe with this identity.'

'That's great, J,' Tony murmurs, but he's aware that it doesn't sound enthusiastic at all.

He has grown used to the comfort of being Tony Stark – a certain someone, without needing to evaluate or prove himself; even in the cave he was still the same person, just some parts of him were more pronounced and others less visible.

And now – there are no expectations.

It didn't feel like leaving a lot behind, but now he has nothing – no, that's not it. He is no one. He can choose who to become for the _remaining_months.

It's – it's a blessing he knows most people aren't given.

There are a lot of great plans that he has and not enough time.

'No looking back, J,' he states firmly. 'I need to do – to do more now. Of whatever I am going to do. We'll figure this out, okay? I need to do everything on 200%, as long as I will be able to; it's not like that will help much _overall_, right J, let's say I've got three years instead of thirty you say I should have, that means I should be doing 1000% to compensate – but,' Tony stops there for a moment and blinks, 'why am I even talking this nonsense? You should make me shut up, J –'

'As if that was possible –'

'– cut the sass, baby, or I will dismantle you,' Tony threatens jokingly and gets up to put the empty mug into the dishwasher.

'That isn't the most creative of your threats, sir – and may I remind you that you don't know how to function without me anymore?'

'I don't know how I manage to live _with_ you,' Tony whines, but he knows JARVIS can understand perfectly the tone of his voice. 'I like this – I like everything about this. The only things that scares me is that now, when the game is on, we'll be playing it till the end and we can't make a single wrong move… But okay. No more lamenting. Next time, really shut me up when I start doing that, J,' Tony states firmly and walks through the apartment quietly, careful not to wake Happy up.

Despite all he doubts, he knows he is exactly where he wants to be, or he will be soon enough, when his friends will know the truth. He is a fucking hero. That seems like an indulgent thing to say, but he figures he can let himself think that because there is a lot of truth to it, even if no one knows.

In his room, he puts on all the thermal clothing that seems right for the cold outside, completed with a hat, gloves and shiny new shoes, and goes out to run through the city.

Enough slacking off. He is not that dying _yet_.

* * *

Thank you very much for reading! Please let me know your opinions. I would love to know what you think about Tony/Nate changes and if you can picture what is described here.

Next part, _The city of fear_, will hopefully be what you are all waiting for, covering the events of the Avengers team really coming together, including Thor and Cap, the Chitauri and a few other important moments :)


	8. The city of fear part 1

**The city of fear (part 1)**

On the first day of March, after Avengers' meeting, Coulson asks Iron Man to stay.

'We need you,' he says, massaging his temples in his usual manner, reserved, from what Tony has gathered, only for a certain group of to-be-trusted people. 'When Thor came here, we had a… situation. It was not really advertised, so I don't know if you've heard about it,' he makes a pause, looking up, and Iron Man inclines his head meaning _yes._ 'Thought so. Around that time, an item was misplaced – well, lost – and we have finally determined the area where it seems to be, thanks to Doctor Banner. It's in the middle of the Arctic, so we could use your help with retrieving it.'

'What is it, exactly?' Tony asks when JARVIS doesn't give him any immediate answers; the files must be exceptionally well-protected or paper only, then. 'And when will you need me?'

'The teams are leaving tomorrow, but we won't try the actual retrieval before Monday. I will give you info on that, as long as you agree to take part in the mission; it's level seven clearance so I can't brief you without upgrading your security level.'

'Count me in, of course,' Tony replies, already itching to find out what the whole thing is about _exactly_. The last month and a half have been… nice, a complete change, he's rested a lot between Iron Man's scarce missions and trainings – and Nate's work.

It takes full ten minutes for Coulson to have everything ready for the security update and just then Fury walks into the room, signs the slip of paper and leaves without a word, his black coat swirling around his calves the way no leather should.

'These are the files,' Coulson says, handing Iron Man a small USB drive. 'You have information about the object, all mission details and coordinates for your arrival inside. If you have any questions –'

'I will see you on Sunday training session,' Iron Man cuts in, putting the drive into one of hidden spaces in the suit's arm. Coulson's eyes follow the movement of the mechanical fingers; he still seems quite mesmerized with the precision that Iron Man possesses despite being clad in metal. Tony thought the novelty would be gone by now, but it's kind of sweet and flattering, so he doesn't complain. 'Is that all?'

'Yes, you go now,' Coulson replies and checks his watch. 'Meeting in fifteen. Need to grab a coffee.'

'You do that,' Iron Man tells him, closes the conference room's door behind them and turns left to go to the elevator with roof access. Coulson turns right.

* * *

Tony flies to his workshop to work on the suit, there are some upgrades that he needs to make. He has been working on making the repulsor light even less visible than it is now and he's finally come up with a design that works, after month of trying. It's been one of the main concerns while flying the suit away from battle grounds: even if the panels make it practically invisible, the repulsors might be kind of conspicuous – and he has finally managed to reduce the initial brightness by 90%, making it look more like the hot air that comes out of jets or rocket's engines, making the air buzz, making everything look a bit blurry and kind of wavy. It's one of the things he's been working on most impatiently: when the upgrades are done, he will be able to fly the suit to and from his apartment and between places in the city without fearing too much about being spotted.

It takes him half of the night to replace the old repulsors with the new ones that he has prepared within the last week – and the other half of the night he spends on making the same kind of change in Mark V.

There are five suits ready to use at this point, even of if Iron Man, so far, has only been using two of them. Tony is incredibly proud of the newest design, though, still only half-assembled. Mark VII has all the features of the previous armor, but it's all reinforced and hides several new additions, mostly weapons, the way that they are completely invisible. An element of surprise never hurts.

When he is done, in the morning, he drinks a huge cup of coffee and finally opens the files that Coulson has left for him on the drive, the screens immediately flickering to life and the whole room filled with a blue glow of – the Tesseract.

'_Fuck_,' Tony breathes, staring at the too-familiar. 'Fuck,' he repeats strongly, going to the mini kitchen to make himself another coffee. 'JARVIS, show me everything we've got on this from Howard's archives that is not here.'

'Comparing the databases, sir, it will be finished and ready to present in seven minutes.'

'Perfect, J,' Tony murmurs, pressing the buttons of the coffee maker automatically. 'This is going to be such a mess,' he adds to himself – and it will.

Of course, S.H.I.E.L.D. and Coulson don't know who Iron Man is and don't realize that Tony is fully aware that Howard was one of the founding members of the organization. They don't know – wouldn't know, even if they knew Tony was Tony, or something like that, it gets complicated – that he has access to all the files that have never been made public and he is one of the two people who even knows about their existence: it's him and Scott. Just in case, because someone has to know.

Tony has heard so much about the Tesseract and Captain America, from Howard and from the other scientists working all around the globe to determine what might have really happened with Cap, that he doesn't really think the file might contain a lot new information.

And Tesseract, even if not currently used by some genetically freaky psychos, probably won't mean anything good. Tony is too much of a realist to believe otherwise.

'Sir, the only new data that S.H.I.E.L.D.'s file contains is the approximate location of the cube that has been discovered by a team recently, and answers as to the origin of the item itself,' JARVIS says finally, when Tony is stirring the brown sugar in his coffee, waiting for the lumps to dissolve.

6 a.m., Happy is going to wake up soon. Good that Tony can have JARVIS tell the man what is going on without any prompting, even. It's starting to get bright; the dawn will soon be in full swing, even if Tony can only see that through an artificial window that takes up half of the wall; the workshop might be underground, but Tony took care of his comfort given how much time he can spend there on occasion.

'Yes, J?'

'Thor has informed SHIELD that the Tesseract is of Asgardian origin, and apparently has been lost for centuries. The Red Skull, with unknown extraterrestrial help, managed to harness a small percentage of the cube's reported power. The Tesseract was lost when the Red Skull's ship was crashed by Captain America. The plane's wreckage was not found until recently."

'What is it supposed to be, then? According to the Asgardians?' Tony asks around the mug, feeling the pleasant warmth fill his body.

'A source of unlimited energy, if used right. The energy can be used for various purposes, and that seems to be the main concern if it falls in the wrong hands.'

'So we're assuming S.H.I.E.L.D. is the good hands…'

'Sir, there is another matter – there has been no study of the cube since Howard's research and no one seems to know how to make the cube work, even if it really is found.'

'They will be tampering with it,' Tony deduces, shaking his head tiredly. 'And unless they find some _really_ good scientists, it might end up badly – wait, wait, wait, is Banner on this?'

'With Eric Selvig, the astrophysicist, sir.'

'Well. Maybe they won't make the Earth explode within a month then,' Tony jokes – even if it's only a half joke, since most of the good scientist seem to have bad ideas, too, and it might end up being pretty painful.

'Show me on the holo map where it is exactly and calculate the estimated flight duration for Mark IV,' Tony orders, getting up and going back to his desk where the data is displayed on multiple screens. 'And I thought I would get some rest, these two weeks off…' he sighs, puts a chewing gum into his mouth and goes back to work.

It's six hours before he leaves the workplace, feeling a bit stiff and achy from sitting in one place for such a long time – he's always been more of the hands-on man and not the analyze-data-for-hours type – but also satisfied; _everything_ that has ever been written about Tesseract is now in his head, memorized from the files and Howard's research and some notes that were taken by S.H.I.E.L.D. from Hydra bases as soon as the organization starter working.

Secures serves, of course, but nothing is safe from JARVIS and Tony, so it takes them only half an hour to bypass the security measures and get access to the files.

'I thought you said you were going to get some rest,' Happy says as soon as he sees Tony walking into the apartment around 3 p.m., bearing a bag with burgers for late lunch or whatever the meal should be called.

'I know I said I want some rest but you know me better than that,' Tony counters, taking all the layers of clothes off himself; it's always so warm inside. 'Besides, it has passed already. Now I get a few days of feeling _normal_ – we're sparring when we digest the food, okay?'

'As you wish, boss,' Happy agrees and takes the bag to the kitchen.

The radiation schedule for now is simple: two weeks in, three weeks out. Only the first session was shorter, so Tony is a week into the radiation-free period now. Just as Levy said, he is feeling much better than before the surgery; he has almost no stomach problems, the only three side effects he has to deal with now are easily manageable. Lack of appetite, he has JARVIS remind him the mealtimes and Happy make him actually eat, it's not too bad. Tiredness, that he's grown so fucking used to; it's nice that it passes after a few days and he gets two out of three weeks feeling _good_. At least for now. The marks from the beam are least of a problem: it's just some redness and swelling, but it doesn't even hurt.

Not so bad for now, Tony has decided.

'Scott is coming over in more or less a week,' Tony reminds Happy when he finishes his burger.

'I know, boss. JARVIS will remember to have the guest room ready for him, surely – have you thought when you are going to –'

'Not that again, baby,' Tony cuts in, sighing. Happy makes a face.

'You need to tell them. You are miserable.'

'I am actually very satisfied with how everything is turning out,' Tony counters and the words are perfectly honest. He has been doing a great job at somehow managing to make Nate Rives' life much less disappointing that Tony Stark's; he even has a meeting with Riverside in his schedule. Not sure how it will work – given that Nate doesn't _speak _– but he is excited anyway. It's all so – so easy.

'You are miserable,' Happy insists. He is right, too, Tony admits to himself. He misses both Pepper and Rhodey so fucking much, it's just that Tony Stark's disappearance is still kind of hot news and he can't afford to do anything that would make the world suspicious – and, okay, he has to admit that he is just anxious about their reactions, even if he knows they will forgive him at some point.

Ah. Things will be much less complicated then, but thinking about _how_ to tell them makes Tony cringe.

'Less than before –' Tony argues, just out of habit

'It's not something you can compare like that,' Happy replies. Tony keep silent because now the man really is right. 'The repulsors done?'

'Done,' Tony admits. 'Now, all my attention to Mark VII. And Nate's job.'

'Something new there?'

'Just finishing some projects,' Tony says and gets up. He leaves the dishes on the table for one of the bots to clean up – he doesn't want them to be away from the house, so all the time he spends in his workshop in the other building, they do nothing more than some mundane tasks impossible to fuck up without supervision. And Tony knows they miss being busier and miss _him_, as much as they can miss something with the codes they have.

Tony has been taking programming jobs as Nate for ages now, but since all Tony Stark activities are out of picture, he's got some more time and he's been doing some projects as a volunteer, the best services free of charge; he knows there are many people who want to hire him based on what he's done, but he doesn't feel like that at all now. Just projects. Better for everyone, probably.

He has also started a… collaboration of sorts, with a few scientists who are trying to develop an artificial intelligence for medical purposes, and it's something Tony's been familiar with recently so he decided to give them a hand. Since JARVIS has been Tony's big secret – there are very few people who know what exactly the A.I. can do, most of the world thinks it's just a greeting-weather-interactive search engine kind of thing. JARVIS is _so, so_ _much_ more. It's only better that no one knows that, one less problem he will have to take care about… later. So that JARVIS won't be left alone and won't have to deal with any potential problems.

Both him and Tony know perfectly well what humanity would think about him. JARVIS is happy to be Tony's special thing.

The jobs are exciting and different from anything that Tony Stark has ever done – as an engineer, a physicist. Everything is so much smaller than SI and yet hundred times more rewarding.

* * *

Avengers' Sunday training is similar to the previous two, even if they are all slowly starting to learn to trust and rely on each other and the moves as a team are much smoother and easier. They _are_ geniuses in their superhero work – even the Hulk, in his own way. It might seem strange – as they are completely different people who see each other rarely, save the trio that lives in S.H.I.E.L.D. quarters – that it's so natural and easy, but Tony thinks the great deal of that is Coulson's involvement. The man is a brilliant strategist, but more than that: he has an uncanny ability at reading and _getting_ people and it took him little time to learn to push each person's buttons and motivate them the way that works best.

On Monday, Tony leaves at 0600 hrs as the flight, according to JARVIS, should take three hours, and the team would like Iron Man to be around 0900 at the base.

There are both Coulson and Fury are there with the team; it would assure Tony that it's a very serious matter if he hasn't been aware of that before. Everyone is in special thermal clothing and all that Tony can see of their faces is eyes and noses; it looks pretty funny. It's good that no one can see him laughing inside the suit.

'Iron Man, we will be taking a helicopter to the exact site of the extraction. It should take us twenty five minutes to get there –'

'I will leave with you and wait there. It's a moment for me on high speed.'

'Very well,' Fury hums and gestures at the rest of the team – five people – to get into the machine and a moment later it takes off. Tony is up in the air within a second, flies past the helicopter and straight to the place he has coordinates for.

It looks like nothing but ice, ice and more ice, of course it does: the Tesseract is supposedly a bit below the surface – but yes. JARVIS starts to pick up energy signals and gamma radiation as soon a Tony lands, almost exactly above the cube.

He manages to melt two meters of the ice before the helicopter comes in sight; four more to go. Tony fancies he can see a blue glow, but it must be a trick of light; it's scientifically impossible. It's a nice illusion though.

'You do that carefully,' Fury snaps as soon as he gets onto the ground, the sweet person he is. Iron Man nods and continues his job, Tony decided it's good that Fury doesn't – didn't have anything to do with Tony Stark, they would _hate_ each other. Like Stark and Coulson.

'Wow, quit talking to yourself in third person, baby,' Tony murmurs, his words never escaping the helmet. 'Or maybe I shouldn't,' he muses and laughs lightly. 'This is absurd. It's like the least appropriate moment for this – fuck it. I was supposed not to talk to myself. I am talking to you, J, you hear me?'

'Obviously, sir,' the A.I. offers sounding a bit too amused for Tony's liking. 'In this situation it seems to be justified that you address to yourself in third person, sir, when you are talking about Tony Stark. Since you are not exactly him, at least not legally. At this point. From the world's point of view.'

'You're not much help here, J,' Tony mutters, but he is smiling. 'Now, enough chit-chat, give me the numbers on this – where is the rest of the team?' Tony asks, JARVIS obeys his words and offers him the data on the cube and the other members of the team who are apparently preparing the container for the cube, checking if everything is in place and noting is broken or malfunctioning. That's all fucking important stuff.

'Iron Man?' Coulson asks, coming up to him. Tony can't really see the man, but sensors are picking up his presence and JARVIS displays them in the corner of the HUD. Good thing that Tony can multitask and easily focus on a few different sets of information at the same time. 'How long –'

'I am halfway through,' Tony replies, the metallic voice sounding somehow strange in the frozen air. 'But the last half a meter, we'll need to do it like we discussed. No more violent melting, or we might trigger something.'

'Of course,' Coulson agrees, looking down into a big hole that Tony has created and is currently hovering inside. 'Impressive.'

Iron Man doesn't react, just keeps melting the ice carefully and getting rid of the water simultaneously.

It is half an hour before he gets deep enough to stop. There is only half a meter of ice between him and the Tesseract now and he can definitely see the blue light, he can almost trace the cube's perfect shape. It's mesmerizing even from that far.

The rest of the ice must be carefully removed using simple tools and not heat, so it takes Tony and three S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in climbing gear – Tony could fly them up and down, no problem, but they don't seem too eager to let him – another hour to finally break the last thin piece of ice and expose the Tesseract.

Tony takes a deep breath and thanks heavens for being in the suit, where JARVIS controls his movements, otherwise he would stumble back, as much as that is possible in a flying suit and in such a small space.

The color of the cube is the same, the same _exact_ color of Tony's reactor and it probably doesn't mean anything. But it's _a bit _unexpected. Tony hasn't realized that it will be the same. It seems to mean something, Tony just has no idea what.

Or maybe he's just imagining – well. No time for that.

He takes the cube delicately with is gloved hands, it's surprisingly heavy, and flies up to hand it over to Coulson, who has the suitcase opened and waits by it with Fury. Tony places the cube inside carefully and the safety locks click closed simultaneously. Everything seems perfect.

The rest of the team gets out of the deep hole, the gear is quickly packed and within five minutes everyone is back in the helicopter and a moment later it takes off. Tony looks around, JARVIS scanning the area for anything they might have left – but there is nothing, S.H.I.E.L.D. is too good for such simple mistakes – so Tony takes off, too.

'Can you fly me a bit around, baby? Give me a route on the HUD – since we are here, why shouldn't we see a bit more of the ice?' Tony tells JARVIS two minutes into the flight. He has to wait another twenty for the team to get to the base, at least. Boring. And he won't be in the area for a long time.

Or maybe never. Ah.

'Shall we make a circle around the base, sir? Calculated time, eighteen minutes, two minutes before the helicopter at the base.'

'Sure, we'll tell them we're doing surveillance…' Tony murmurs and turns to right, just like JARVIS shows him on the HUD.

Maybe it's not the most fascinating of trips – there is ice, ice, snow, ice, it's all white and lifeless and freezing, with an occasional mountain here and there – but the view is quite lovely, overall. Completely different from what Tony sees every day, obviously; the sky is a strong blue color, clear, with some orange and pink glow on west. The day is going to end soon.

Just as Tony is halfway through the lap he is doing, the suit's sensors pick something up.

'JARVIS?' Tony asks worriedly, focusing on the information that is displayed on the HUD. 'What the hell?'

'The sensors have picked up a living object, sir, but the readings are unusual – that's why it shows up, I have canceled out all the animals we've passed – we'd have to get closer to get better readings, sir. Do you want to?'

'I think we _have_ to. I just hope it's not some fucking aliens, I've seen enough X-files to know where this could be going,' Tony snickers, but it's rather nervous. He shouldn't be nervous. If there were aliens in the area, S.H.I.E.L.D. surely would know…

'Descending, sir – do you want to land near the place where the signals are coming from?'

'Yeah, J, lets,' Tony agrees and frowns, concentrating on the things the sensors are indicating. They don't make much sense. Really…

The suit lands on the ice – looking perfectly innocent – and JARVIS immediately starts a more detailed scan, since he doesn't have to command the suit's flight and give Tony information straight away, and Tony calls Coulson at the same time.

'I will be a few minutes late,' he tells the man as soon as he picks up. 'I've got something curious here, via my sensors. I will let you know when I know more – shouldn't be more than a few minutes. I am seven minutes of flight away from the base, my speed.'

'What is it?' Coulson asks, sounding a bit worried – Tony has learned to notice that certain tone.

'I don't know yet. You have to wait,' Tony replies and disconnects.

'Sir, it seems to be a form of life approximately twelve meters under the ice surface, embedded in the ice, between two ice units. The ice around is a different structure, as if it much more recent than all of it around. There must have been a crevice there.'

'What the hells is it, J?' Tell me it's not _aliens_ –'

'Human form, sir. The shape is human, but I detect no heartbeat or any other activity. The data is difficult to collect through all the ice, but all I can find is that the body's temperature on the surface is 35, and inside approximately 61 degrees.'

'_What the hell?_' Tony asks loudly, staring at the data in front of his eyes.

This shouldn't be possible. Whatever _this_ is supposed to be.

'Coulson, I've got something here. It's – it's human. In the ice. Appears to be hibernated, but alive. Twelve meters under the surface.'

'Fuck,' the agent swears and Tony's eyebrows go up. The first time he's hears the man be anything but perfectly composed. There is a moment of silence before the agent responds. 'We'll give it a look in a few days, Iron Man. Now, the cube is the priority – we have to get it to the research facility and set everything up there. Whatever it is, in the ice, it can probably wait for a few more days.'

'I will give you all the data when I am back,' Tony assures the man, gives JARVIS a sign and taking off. That's probably a must; the Tesseract really can't be just left in the makeshift base in the middle of all the snow.

Back with the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Iron Man gives Fury and Coulson a full report about the discovery, even if there isn't much to say. Tony wishes he knew exactly who – what – the human under the snow is, but the ice makes it impossible to get a visual.

'We will come back in a week,' Fury decides. 'Tesseract first. Are you up for a bit of discovery, Iron Man?' he asks, turning his head to Tony and staring at him with his one good eye. Iron Man nods slightly. 'Now, get me Mason on the line, I need him to get all the data and analyze it with his team,' Fury snaps, turning around and stepping into the other room. Coulson dismisses Iron Man, thanking him for the help, and Tony goes back home.

Three hours. JARVIS plays him some music from _when we're flying for too long for our own good _playlist, but Tony's thoughts are completely somewhere else.

What human being could be_ living_, buried inside an ice mountain?

* * *

The next few days pass lazily and nicely. The weather is getting better, with more sun and pleasant temperatures – still nowhere near Malibu, but Tony doesn't want to complain much – and somehow, it makes him feel better. Mostly the sun, and the days that are getting longer and longer. It's so great to cut down the use of artificial light, especially when Tony gets enough of that when he is in his underground workshop.

Scott comes over on Saturday. Happy goes to pick him up from the airport when Tony stays in the house and makes some food; there will be enough time for takeouts later. He knows Scott will appreciate it a lot.

'You've lost weight _again_,' Scott says before he even walks into the apartment, as soon as he sees Tony across the corridor. Tony pouts.

'I don't like you,' he says, letting the man in. Happy closes the door and a second later, when Scott's luggage is set down on the floor, he hugs Tony tightly.

'Ouch, I can feel your bones hurting me,' Scott states and Tony pouts some more. He knows he's lost a few pounds, but he's _far_ from being all bones. He's been running and working out – not as much as before, and different kind of exercises, but hey, he's _not_ skin and bones.

He will be, he knows, it's inevitable that his digestive system will be fucked up. Just not yet.

'Why do all of my friends have to be so bossy?' Tony whines, pulling away to get a better look of Scott who looks exactly the same way he has for years. Maybe decades. British elegance. 'I mean, Doc feeds me more supplements than a pregnant woman. Happy basically puts me to sleep whenever he can and fusses over me like a freaking grandmother. And now you, instead of enjoying New York, are going to coddle me like a baby? Annoooying,' Tony sings songs.

'Very well, _Nate_, my boy. I am glad someone take care of you, because you are unable to do so.'

'You are all mother hens,' Tony murmurs, rolling his eyes.

They eat the dinner – soup and pasta, Tony is not the best cook in the universe, but he's picked up some skills over the years – and when they are finished, there is a question of what to do. Scott has been in New York enough times to have visited all the touristy places and other interesting sights; it's far from the reason of his little trip.

'We don't have to do anything, really, if you don't feel up to it –'

'Stop it right there,' Tony cuts in firmly, shaking his head. 'Okay, I know, you're just looking out for me, blah blah, you want the best for me, blah blah, I get it. Thank you. But can we go and do something stupid now? You know I fucking need it. Pretending to be normal.'

'Stupid thing, like?'

'I don't know? Shop at Wall-Mart?' Tony asks, making a face, and Happy and Scott look at him questioningly. Tony shrugs. 'Well, I've been picking up skills but it still sounds like a weird thing to do when you have been Tony Stark all your life?'

'Point,' Happy agrees.

'Or we could run around naked or something,' Tony adds pensively, but he already has a plan in his mind. Crossing off one more thing from this clichéd to-do-before-I-die list.

'You're supposed to be undercover, not trying to make people know you are Stark, _Nate_,' Scott says with a perfectly straight face and it takes him full three seconds to burst out laughing. Tony and Happy join in and Tony is sure JARVIS would, too, if he did something as prosaic as laugh.

'Okay,' Tony says weakly when they are finally half-calmed down. 'So the first idea was better. We are going to a supermarket, the biggest one we can find in the area, and we're getting all Pop Tarts flavors they have. I want to try them all.'

'You said you were not going to do all those silly things,' Happy whines, but gets up from the sofa and grabs the keys from the table. 'But I guess if you really insist…'

They do end up going back to the apartment with twelve different kinds of Pop Tarts and then they have a bad movie plus too many-sweets party. Scott is not the one to do these kind of things usually – he's a perfectly normal, calm man – bout around Tony's vibrant self, well, a lot of unusual things are bound to happen. Or around Nate.

* * *

Scott stays for a week. Noting special happens in the meantime, really, not even Iron Man stuff. Fury calls Tony on Sunday to tell him that a trip to the arctic has been postponed due to really bad weather conditions there; he can't risk sending his people there in such moment. They are supposed to go on Monday, 19th, what doesn't make Tony too happy because he starts radiation on the same day. He probably could do three hours there and three hours back of flying ever afternoon, but that's tiring.

Hopefully they won't need Iron Man there _all_ the time.

On the last day, Saturday, there is kind-of-a-party with Tony, Happy, Doc, and Scott in attendance – JARVIS too, as always – and Tony figures it's a bit absurd, having all the people that know all his secrets in one place. The only five beings that can connect the three remote dots. It's like the most super-secret club ever.

There is pizza, New York style, and Tony eats as much as he can, fully aware that when the radiation starts, he won't be feeling like eating _at all._

And they talk. A lot.

It's sweet how everyone circles around the subject, never getting to the bottom of it, but Tony gets bored with the games after an hour or so. Somehow, they all seemed to be okay with the knowledge that Tony shared with them – _you know, I am gonna die quite soon_ – but when they are all together, they seem shy about it. Unsure.

Tony _hates_ being the most responsible being around. Save JARVIS, but JARVIS doesn't count.

'I hate it when you're sulking like this,' he tells them around midnight, when all of them are at least a bit tipsy. Nate might not have Stark's famous home bar filled with the most expensive alcohols on the planet, but he does have some good stuff hidden for the rare moments when it does more good than bad to have some scotch. 'I think I am past sulking, you know, I think I have been for at least a month. Please. Don't make me feel bad, guys. I know that me having this fucking thing inside me is probably hurting you more, because well, I die and I'm done with everything and you stay here and you've got to deal with whatever _emotions_ you might have, and it's gonna take you some time to forget I existed.'

'What the hell are you talking about, Tony?' Doc asks, leaning over the table to get a better view of Tony, hidden behind Happy's bigger silhouette.

'Not sure,' Tony admits tiredly. 'It's just that – don't mind if you talk about me dying. If you fucking joke about me dying. I'm good with that.'

'You can't be good with that, boss,' Happy counters, turning his head around to look at the older man, playing with the glass in his hands, something he's picked up from Tony.

'There is nothing we can –'

'There is nothing but we'll keep. Fucking. Looking. You _know_ this,' Doc states firmly, setting his glass on the table with a thud. 'Let's dance.'

'What?' Tony asks, shaking his head and half-getting up from the sofa. 'What, Doc?'

'Well, since there are no girls and I'm not going to have sex with you, we need something else to have fun. You like dancing. You're tipsy enough to be dancing and you're not throwing up or fainting right now what might not last for too long.'

'Well, if you put it like that,' Tony agrees and gets up.

It ends up as one of the weirdest nights if Tony's life – and that is, given his rather interesting past, as accomplishment – all recorded by JARVIS and put under a Very Secure File label by Tony as soon as he wakes up in the morning.

But it is fun, mindless fun. Silly but most relaxing few hours of the last… year and a half, probably, or more. Totally carefree because he knows if he fucking falls, there is someone there to catch him, there is someone behind to support him, few people but faithful people; it's the greatest thing he could have wished for.

* * *

In the end, Coulson assures Tony that S.H.I.E.L.D. team will manage to do the whoever-extraction op by themselves – _we've done those things before, don't worry _– and he's welcome to come by when they will be getting the person out of the ice and will finally know the answer to this crazy riddle.

Coulson and Fury surely have their suspicions, Tony knows, and he probably has the same one, but he can't exactly share so he has to wait.

Tony is lucky: the team is getting to the bottom of the hole – literally – on Saturday, so he doesn't have to rush from the hospital. The week hasn't been so bad, all things considered; not much nausea and no vomiting. Probably because of all the pills Levy is feeding him, but it doesn't matter much as long as Tony is feeling good. Nate finished a few projects, too, and he has started working on a few small things: JARVIS keeps finding him announcements of charities looking for IT help and he does as much as he can without contacting them in person. They usually don't mind him working via email since he does it for free.

When Iron Man finally flies to the place where the team is working, he finds a mini-base around, guarded by S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, with guns and other weapons on hand, as if someone was about to randomly wander a few hundred miles into the ice.

Tony is almost sure who the person will be when he gets there and flies down the giant hole and sees traces of a special shade of blue and some red. Everyone around seems to be jumping around with excitement: Coulson told him what can they expect, Tony learns a few moments later.

It takes them two more hours to extract a block of ice in which the figure is embedded and transport it up to the surface with Iron Man's help.

It is Captain America. _Of course_ it is. _Fuck_.

Tony is much less surprised that he should, he decides, and much more tired.

* * *

Iron Man gets to see Captain America sleeping, being slowly unfrozen, together with Coulson, Clint and Natasha – they have insisted he call them with their names, instead of code names, it feels a bit strange because he genuinely doesn't have an appropriate name to offer – and Bruce and Spider Man are away, somewhere. They are always busy with their own affairs.

'Just out of curiosity, do you have protocols for something like this?' Tony asks as they stare at the man through the glass. The ice is almost gone, but he is still in the state of hibernation and the medical team will try to _wake him up_ slowly. It might take any length of time from a week to a month, the say; it's unprecedented so the only thing they can do it guess.

'We have protocols for time travel. We have rewritten them to match this case.'

'So what do you do when he is awake?'

'Well, the plan is, put him in a familiar environment and then break the news to him piece by piece –'

Tony scowls internally. Captain America is _not_ just a dumb poster boy like most people might think, he was actually a rather bright man. Tony has heard a fucking lot from Howard, like whole eposes, recited with passion. He probably knows more about Captain than any person alive – he just can't explain that.

'I don't think it's a good idea,' he cuts in. It really isn't. Rogers will see through the deception and regard them as the enemy, or hostilities at least. 'I mean, he was a brilliant strategist. We all know that. Unless you plan is perfect and has not even a single flaw, this might work, but you won't earn his trust. He is a soldier. I think he would appreciate honesty much more – and again, I am sure he would notice something is wrong if _anything_ was off. Can you be completely sure the deception is perfect?'

'Why do you think that?' Natasha asks. Clint and Coulson eye him curiously.

'That's what I would imagine I would feel like if I woke up in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people around. The world has changed too much to make the game you want to play look casual and natural, and that's what it would have to be like to fool him.'

'I agree,' Clint says, offering Iron Man a grin. 'The man is right. He was a soldier. Died taking down fucking _HYDRA_. He will be looking for any flaws because Red Skull is one of the last things he will remember when he wakes up.'

'All right,' Coulson agrees, massaging his temples. 'Okay. So we just what, tell him everything?'

'He will wake up in medical. That should be enough for him to wait for explanations,' Clint offers, eying Natasha meaningfully.

So, a story between them that Tony might or might not hear. Another story.

'I will talk with Director. We still have some time,' Coulson agrees in the end, and they stand silently, watching Captain, for a few more minutes.

* * *

A day after he finished radiation – exhausted like hell, but at least without the stomach acting up or something similar – Tony has a visit at Riverside Group Home. He's been sending them money for half a year now and from the letters he got back, the resources were really used in a good way, mostly for renovating the place, since the building is rather old, and for supplies for the kids.

There are thirty, three of them toddlers, too young to have made him a Christmas card – he still has them totally on display in the living room and doesn't plan at all to ever move them anywhere else.

For the last two months and a half Tony has practiced being Nate Rives and he's proud to think he almost reached perfection – and not physically, even with the henna and some other funny things he has to do again and again, feeling like a teenage girl before prom, just like Scott said – but mentally. When he is in the house it's easy: nothing really changes. It's a familiar space where everyone is _safe_ and an insider and he can be himself.

But outside – he has to be more _Nate_. Obviously, he never speaks. Communication is ASL that he has known for a long time, and writing on a small tablet he's constructed that he always has with himself. The notebook thing is sweet, but too movie-like and impractical; JARVIS helps him type almost as fast as he would speak. Tony is quite sure JARVIS could communicate for him completely, since he's analyzed Tony's speech enough to know which word is likely to come after another.

People turn out to be very friendly and helpful and Tony smiles _a lot_ and hey, it's even genuine. It's far from Tony Stark's public smiles.

And he can wear sneakers now, all the time. Pepper forbid him doing that somewhere at the beginning of their collaboration and he listened to her because she was _so_ serious about the shoe business. Nate wears Converse and Nike and he even has a pair of special limited edition Iron Man ones, produced over a year ago, when the whole superhero deal has started.

He has to remember to change his mannerism, too: Tony gesticulates a lot, he is overbearing and makes his presence unconsciously obvious to everyone in the room, he emanates energy, inner strength and self-importance; most of it is an exaggerated behavior he grown used to so much that it's been almost natural for decades. He _does_ like the attention, though, that much is true, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to pull the game off for such a long time. Just, being Nate is – purifying. Easy. Tony doesn't have to act at all, doesn't have to wonder what others will think, doesn't have to calculate. There are no paparazzi and no journalists and no nobody looking out for every mistake he makes. He can be the timid, brilliant, funny, and undeniably a bit insane man he's always been, in the depth of his workshop, away from the world.

As for Tony Stark, the world is still crazy even though it's been a few good weeks since Pepper has announced to the world that the man is missing.

_Of course_ he left her a note, although it wasn't exactly helpful, it said: _you've got enough projects to keep SI running for years, all on the hard drive, ask JARVIS, kisses for you, P._ Not his best, but it contained everything he needed her to know – and she deduced the rest. She knows him well enough to get what he would acts like.

Tony Stark has enough wit and resources to disappear from the surface of the earth, presumably to spend his time in a hidden mansion, equipped with alcohol, call-girls and similar stuff. People seem to be looking for him, even now, but it's more of the force of habit than real hope. Well, besides Pepper and Rhodey. They might be still genuinely looking for him, even though they know they won't find him if he doesn't allow it. It's cruel and Tony promises Happy every week he is going to tell them everything soon, but he _can't_ define soon.

'When it feels right and when the situation will be stabilized enough,' Tony tells Happy.

Happy asks what situation. Tony shrugs, each time, and never replies in words.

It is too soon and he is too much of a coward and knowing that the later the more difficult it will be, they don't help him make the decision.

Soon, soon, soon, probably not really. Tony is managing to run away from it for now.

Happy has a whole giant box of newspapers and magazines about Tony Stark's disappearance and all the jazz. They are very amusing, Tony has to agree, and mostly terribly exaggerated, calling him the worst person ever and sometimes the hero that has been forced by the media to run. Kind of true, even if they have the details all wrong. JARVIS, as always, records all the TV broadcasts about Tony – it's part of his usual job – but no one ever watches them. Tony wouldn't be able to bear seeing Pepper almost crying on the screen.

No one is able to recognize her _almost crying_ but Tony and Rhodey and Happy, so she wouldn't even have to act too much. Everyone praises her great job with SI, though, and it helps her to be herself a bit. Well, that Tony guesses, but he knows her as well as she knows him. And with _Stark_ gone, the media have been very positive towards Pepper, just like Tony has planned it, and SI stock is doing really great.

So when Tony leaves the apartment and get into the car, driving by himself – Levy has cleared him for that, no medal contraindications – it's easy not to think about what has been happening even half a year ago. Nate is enjoying his life a whole fucking lot, against all odds.

Riverside director is waiting to greet Tony by the entrance, simile so wide that Tony decides his face must hurt from that.

'Miles Gordon,' he introduces himself, shaking Tony's hand. 'It's so nice to finally meet you, Mister Rives.'

'_Call me Nate – and it's a pleasure to be here,_' Tony types. The man has been informed of Nate's _disability_ and the form of communication before.

'Then you must call me Miles. Let's go inside,' he adds, making space for Tony to walk into the building. There are two women, one older and one younger, waiting for him in the hall. 'Miss Laura Carr,' Miles introduces the older woman. 'She is the heart of this place, if I may call myself a brain. And Miss Annik Hatten – she takes care of our youngest who are napping at the moment. There are three more of us, as you know, but they are in the common room with children, working on a project.'

'_It's my pleasure to meet such beautiful ladies, Miss Carr, Miss Hatten,_' Tony offers and bows slightly. They almost giggle like teenage girls. It's sweet. Tony has learned that while as a Stark, bowing was regarded more a him being funny, as Nate, it is mostly regarded as a charming and _cute_. He laughs internally at that, but it's nice to be called that without any… implications or expectations. '_This place feels really warm, if I may_,' he adds. The trio smiles.

'We try,' Miles replies, showing Tony the way to the common room.

The women and the rest of the staff – Tom, Joan and Cecile, all in their late twenties, it seems – insist he call them by their first names. He gladly agrees, it makes communication much easier and informal.

It takes about five minutes for him to feel at home and he knows there is no escape now.

The kids don't mind him not speaking _at all_ and it so natural that he can't help but feel all teary inside, and just a tiny bit on the outside. And they ask questions, endless questions, and it's not nosy or intrusive, it's just plain curiosity and happiness at meeting someone who _wants_ to come to them. Even the teenagers stay and listen, ask, interact. Tony has never has that much contact with teenagers, even when he was one, thanks to going to MIT when he was 14, but he would have expected them to be bored and disinterested. Or something. He is probably generalizing, but his perception of teenagers is – well, was, up to now – more of what he's heard from the others than what he's seen himself.

They are, of course, amused by his inability to remember their names. It is totally fake, he _does_ remember all the names, always, even all those models and journalists and the rest of the high society girls, he has just learned that pretending not to remember is highly amusing for both parties.

The teenagers, already in high school: Sam, Francesca, Milo, Rebecca, Austin; the middle school ones: Tiffany, Helena, Vico, Jamie, Marcel, Paul, Maddox. The primary school kids: Caleb, Evan, Skylar, Lucy, Leah, River, Mark, Isa, Sydney, Connor, Lana. The preschoolers: Rosa, Eileen, Miah, Simon – and finally, the three famous toddlers: Lino, Leila and Mikayla.

See. Easy.

Ton spends three hours observing them playing, at some point forced to draw and glue things and paint, too – he tells Miles several times that no, he doesn't mind getting dirty or leaving with paint on his trousers – and he completely forgets about the whole world outside. When Annik comes to tell the kids to get slowly prepared for dinner, it's hard to believe that all the time has passed already. Tony doesn't really have anything special to do today, but tomorrow is the 1st what mean the Avengers' meeting _and_ training on the same day, so he knows he should leave and rest a bit after the two exhausting weeks. There is still a lot a lot of energy left in his body, it seems, but he knows himself well enough to expect an epic crash when he comes home – and passing the rest of the day on the sofa.

Not a bad plan, especially that Happy, playing a housekeeper, will surely be waiting with something he should eat even if he's not hungry at all.

Before he leaves Riverside, though, he makes a deal with Miles and promises he will come every two weeks and more often if he will be able. He will make sure he _will_ be able.

* * *

**A/N: **This is part 1 out of 3 of _The city of fear._ There will be more team and loosely followed Avengers plotline soon.

I can't express how thankful I am for _any_ kind of feedback on this story. It's a time- and energy-consuming monster and whereas I do enjoy writing it a lot, it would be even more of an amazing experience if I could read what you think and if you enjoy yourselves. If you can spare a second to drop me any comment you would honestly make my day! :)


	9. The city of fear part 2

**The city of fear (part 2)**

'For those who don't know I have some S.H.I.E.L.D. news. We have found, thanks to Iron Man's accidental trip away from where he was supposed to be, Captain America. Alive. Frozen in the ice. He's being… brought back to life as we speak, at least that's what we are hoping for,' Coulson says on one breath as soon as everyone is in the room and Bruce closes the doors behind himself.

All the Avengers nod patiently and wait for an elaboration as Clint opens two bags of chips and puts them in the middle of the table, as always.

'We would like him – if he is fit mentally and physically – to be part of the team. Opinions?'

There is a brief moment of silence as everyone seems to consider. Tony has a very set opinion about this, but Iron Man isn't the one to volunteer to speak first; it's easier to distance him from Tony Stark this way.

'Do I get to be his sidekick?' Spider Man asks first, grinning under the mask, and Clint covers laughter with a chuckle. 'If yes, then yes. Well, if no, then still a yes.'

'Well, I asked for professional opinion and you know it perfectly well, but if we are on this, you are aware that it would depend on his decision only, don't you?' Coulson asks unfazed, not even grinning. It's just something he has to deal with every day, Tony knows, the reality of being Clint's secret boyfriend.

'I probably don't know more than the comic book and urban legends, but that would be so freaking cool,' Clint quips in before putting a handful of his favorite Cheetos into his mouth and gaining a disbelieving and resigned look from Coulson.

'Given all data we have on him, he would be a great asset,' Iron Man says. Natasha and Bruce only nod in agreement, though Bruce's face is a bit ashen and he's biting his lip like he always does when he is upset. Not really surprising.

'Good. No objections – at least this one time,' Coulson concludes and sits down. 'Now, we've been receiving some strange energy readings in New Mexico…' he starts and a story goes from there.

A story that, according to S.H.I.E.L.D., screams _aliens_. Or rather _Asgardians_, as the readings are very similar to those registers when Thor came by the previous time. His supposed-to-be girlfriend is working for S.H.I.E.L.D. now, so she was the one to notice the changes first. So, apparently Thor is going to pay a visit, unless it's some monsters from their realm what would be completely uncool.

No one has any idea _why_ Thor wants to come now, but maybe that is better: less worrying for now. There will be plenty of time to worry later, probably.

Coulson decides to take Hawkeye to the base near which the activity has been disrupted while the rest of them is supposed to be ready to come in anytime. Also, Tony gets to travel to Africa twice – there are still some illegal weapons in Southern region, so the mission is similar to those he's had before: come in, blow the weapons up without hurting people, go away. S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to take care of everything else.

In a way, Tony would prefer there were no more missions like that, no more Stark Industries' weapons all over the world – but there are and he's kind of happy that he _can_ get rid of them. It's just exciting. He has always been an adrenalin junkie.

Training goes as well as always, but this once, after it's done, Bruce, already dressed in pants and a shirt, asks them to stay for a few moments, Coulson included.

'I just thought,' he says in his usual half shy, half decisive manner, smiling a bit awkwardly even after all those months of being part of the team, 'that maybe we could get some meal together. I mean, team bonding and stuff. Since we have spent here most of the day here.'

Coulson rises both his eyebrows and the rest of the team looks at Bruce curiously.

'Well?' Bruce prompts, shifting his feet and blinking.

'If I don't have to pay, I'm in,' Spider Man offers first, as always with a grin. Clint sighs theatrically, breaking the slightly tense silence.

'Chinese or Thai or pizza, pretty please?'

Bruce nods as Natasha and Coulson declare their willingness to share a meal; nor surprising, given that they live in the building without a decent kitchen anyway.

'You know I don't eat in the suit,' Iron Man states; it's not that much of a loss, since he's got some _great_ food back at home, 'but I could stay.'

They smile. He does stay. Bruce seems even more thankful than he normally is, that nice beast. Tony loves it all.

* * *

Just three days later Coulson sends a message to Iron Man saying_ You want to be here now_. Tony puts on the suit and gets to headquarters in eight minutes; he can guess all right what the uproar is about: Captain America is waking up. Slowly, swimming in and out of consciousness, but definitely waking up, and whole S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be more of a bunch of fangirls than a professional secret government agency.

Forty three minutes after Tony gets there and two coffees for Coulson, one for everyone else but Bruce, and a lot of nervous talk later _Steve_ wakes up for real.

The whole crowd watching him is behind a new tech one way mirror that is impenetrable also to enhances senses; Tony has tested it himself. Well, Iron Man did.

Captain has been placed in a hospital room, in the end, and not a fake 40s room like the protocol said. Tony knew perfectly well from the beginning that some of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s protocols are completely useless.

Steve acts so – calm.

There are two doctors, Fury and Coulson in the medical room, hovering over his bed, and he blinks, looks around and asks them something. Tony can't lip-read because Captain is at a strange angle and well, still on his back, but he can guess what the question is about, and Fury's answer he can tell and it only confirms his guess:

_We won_, Fury says.

Captain closes his eyes for a moment and takes a few deeper breaths, then looks around again and speaks up.

Tony can guess some more: _where am I?_, _what has happened?, how is…?_

It takes them about ten minutes to get to the bottom of it, and by that time most of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents returned to their work, leaving the hidden room to the Avengers minus Spider Man, and three other people from the medical staff.

'_You have been asleep for a long time, soldier_,' Tony can read Fury speaking and a moment later one of the doctors clarifies: _seventy years_. Captain tenses and wriggles in the bed, but Coulson puts a hand on his shoulder to keep him down. Of course Captain could take all the men in the room down in a second, but he obeys and stops moving.

They tell him he needs to stay in medical for at least two more days and go through several tests of different kinds to determine if everything is fine with him, physically and mentally. Captain listens, nods, looks at them and looks away, and, in Tony's opinion, does surprisingly well as for someone who has just been told such a crazy thing.

_You are in the future. _

It will be a difficult moment of adjustment now, if you believe that adjustment is even possible, but it's not like there has been someone before who could say.

Maybe Iron Man could help, despite being the epitome of 21st century in so many fucking ways but – Tony understands _not understanding the world anymore_. He has his few months of that, even if it was in a completely different way, but the core of the experience is always the same: you look at the people around you and you cannot understand what and why they are doing, even if it's the smallest things.

You don't know what _you_ are doing anymore; Tony has had a nice share of that, indeed.

It is three days before he meets Captain in person, though, it can only happen when the man is released out of medical. JARVIS is in S.H.I.E.L.D. systems so Tony has instant access to all the data that is uploaded on a file called _Rogers, Steve, code name Captain America_. It seems that, despite being frozen for like sixty eight years, Captain's super-soldier-serum-injected body is acting as if nothing has happened and he is a more perfect physical state than 99,9% human beings on the planet, what is completely fascinating.

Captain is released and given his own quarters – _not_ furnished with pieces from 40s, but with normal modern equipment – and let out to the _real world_, albeit restricted to S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ for now. Coulson asked him about the Avengers and Captain said yes straight away, but asked for some adjustment period, totally understandable. Coulson agreed, of course, Tony knows the man is such a fanboy that it's almost funny, but he can't even tease him about it. Fortunately there is Spider Man for that.

The Avenges have an emergency Sunday meeting but Iron Man gets to meet the man a day before, mostly by accident. He goes to Africa to one of his missions on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon he comes by to give Coulson a report – and Captain America is in the agent's room, wearing high-waist trousers and a plaid shirt and a sad face. Tony feels a strange compulsion to pat him like a puppy, just like some of the Riverside kids. Funny thing.

'Iron Man,' Coulson greets him and gestures at him to sit on the empty chair. 'This is Captain America.'

'Please, call me Steve, Mr. Iron Man,' Captain says, extending his hand to shake Tony's gloved one. He's about the second person to ever try that, it's so sweet. And – _mister. _

'I am sorry I can't offer you my name, Steve, but please drop the _mister_,' Tony offers, shaking the man's hand, careful not to crush the bones in his hands, even if they would be healed in no time. 'It's a pleasure to meet you.'

'Well, everyone keeps saying that, I can only hope I will not disappoint you,' Steve replies with a tight smile and gets up. 'I should go now –'

'I didn't want to interrupt,' Iron Man says, even though Tony hoped to interrupt. 'I just have this to give to Mister Agent here,' he adds and puts the few pieces of paper on Coulson's desk. 'Mission report.'

'We're okay, Iron Man. You know when to come for briefing for the other trip. Now, shoo, I've got work to do, as _always_. Both of you,' Coulson states, giving Iron Man a hard meaningful stare saying_ don't let him go_. Tony doesn't plan on that, at least not for as long as he can talk with Captain without annoying the man too much. They end up in one of the training rooms, observing young agents and talking.

'Your armor is more amazing than anything I have seen before,' Steve tells him a few minutes into the conversation. 'No tech that Howard has ever made was as amazing. I heard you can fly as gracefully as a ballerina,' he adds with a smallest smirk. Tony grins underneath the faceplate, even though he'd rather not discuss Howard.

'I have been told so, yes,' he agrees. 'Thank you.'

'I heard you made it yourself,' Steve adds, eying the armor curiously.

'I did,' Tony admits. 'It was a hell of a job but what can a man do to be a superhero, you know?'

'I know,' Steve laughs and it sounds honest for the first time. It's going to be okay, Tony decides. Captain America is going to do great adjusting, not only because he has no choice, but also because he really is an amazing human being. Tony almost cannot wait to be in a fight alongside the man.

They talk for maybe half an hour before Tony has to go; he has a meeting at Riverside scheduled for the afternoon and it's 1300 hrs already.

'I will see you tomorrow in a team meeting,' Iron Man salutes Captain and flies away, leaving the man with his mouth almost hanging open. That's so cute.

Nate ends up spending four hours with the kids, playing and talking and discussing a few things with Miles in the meantime. It's just as amazing and exhausting as the first time, but so incredibly rewarding. Tony realizes he kind of regret he hasn't been doing this all his life – that he hasn't been able to do this all this life. Tony Stark simply didn't have the time and the approach that Nate has: as if there was nothing in the world but him and the kids around, and they seem to totally feel that attitude and are wordlessly thankful.

It's such a beautiful thing.

Tony lets himself think that and honestly, he doesn't give a fuck about the whole world at this point. He doesn't have time for caring too much.

* * *

The team meeting ends up to be 20% introductions and 80% discussing Tesseract. It's kind of a spontaneous thing, Steve could probably get an appointment with Bruce and talk about the cube, but since it involves Iron Man, too, and very likely Thor – who hasn't appeared yet, but there are still people monitoring the area in New Mexico and Clint with Coulson are going there again to check up on the situation again – it only seems fitting.

Captain is _very_ angry about S.H.I.E.L.D. experimenting on the Tesseract. Tony guesses he can understand: it's the thing that was a HYDRA weapon and the very reason of a few quite dramatic events of Captain's life – not to mention that yes, it could be such a destructive weapon. Even if S.H.I.E.L.D. is only trying to tap on its power now and use it as an energy source, who knows what could happen. Especially that even with the best scientists on the planet, they don't know for sure what to do, how to act; there are no ready-made answers. Everything is an experiment and those are dangerous.

'I only hope you are not going to regret this, Agent,' Steve finishes and sits down, Coulson observing him closely.

'Of course, Captain,' he replies, sighing and massaging his temples the way he does when he is tired. 'We are going to talk to a few people about writing a program for analyzing the Tesseract's activity to understand it better, there is a team working on that, but what they came up with so far has not been completely satisfaction –'

'I know someone,' Iron Man cuts in before Tony manages to stop himself. All eyes are suddenly on him, because they keep forgetting that sometimes, when he is not wearing the suit, he is supposed to be a normal man, a normal person with a normal life and he _can_ know people. Well, even if that's a bit of a lie on Tony's side.

'Someone?'

'A programmer and kind of an IT genius. I could contact you with him. Nate Rives, maybe you have heard of him?'

'He works on medical A.I.'s now, doesn't he?' Bruce asks, running a hand through his curly hair and offering Iron Man an almost apologetic smile. 'I am interested in those things and his name came up one or twice…'

'Yes, him,' Tony agrees. This feels like a new level of surreal, but hey, Nate could really help S.H.I.E.L.D. where Iron Man cannot because of _reasons_. 'We have known each other for a long time,' Tony adds, looking at Coulson. Captain's eyes jump from one person to another and he looks slightly confused. Of course he does.'

'Well, I will look into it, but we would be grateful for a contact – just tell me honestly, can that man be trusted?'

'I wouldn't propose anything is he wasn't,' Iron Man replies earnestly, well, as earnestly as a synthetized voice can convey.

That is how on April 11th Nate Rives _himself_ ends up walking through HQ corridors and Tony does a great job pretending to be fascinated with the place he is supposed to be seeing for the first time in his life.

Coulson knows ASL. No one is surprised. Tony is only thankful because it makes the communication – maybe not much quicker, but definitely more fluent and natural. He says he gave a look at Nate's work and it looks impressive for such a low-profile person. Nate smiles, or maybe laughs soundlessly, it's always something in between, and says he enjoys the peace and quiet atmosphere and that it's just one of the things that make him comfortable in the world.

It's the same kind of lies that work on Pepper – Tony hates them, but they are necessary – mixing truth with some false information; there is no way someone will find out which part is a lie. They always believe. Coulson does, too, because Tony speaks the truth: he is enjoying himself much more now than in the spotlight. Of course Tony Stark would never say that, would never even think about saying that.

In the end, Coulson asks him to come over the next day – _if you can, of course_ – to meet with the team constructed of programmers and scientists working on the cube. Nate says that he has the time, no problem, and then they part.

Tony tries not to think what he will have to do when the world will need Iron Man and Nate at the same time: he is going to manage it somehow. He always does.

So the next day, after the meeting that lasted for _hours_ – with Nate typing and typing and typing, argh – Tony leaves the HQ and goes straight to his workshop, asks JARVIS to call Happy and tell the man that he won't be coming for the night. Happy is annoyed with him, but it's not like such behavior is so unusual; he only warns Tony that if he isn't back in the apartment by noon, he is going to go there himself, feed him like a baby and tie him down to bed. Tony makes a mental note to _be_ on time, even if Happy would only do half of those things.

The algorithms that Bruce and the two other scientists created are really good, perfect, but they are far from enough to track all of the cube's activities and the other three guys have not been able to do a proper analysis of all the other data that the Tesseract – _is_, it seems to emit so much power of different kinds, containing so much information, that the codes get tangled and far from efficient, but – _Nate_ can make it better.

Tony didn't create the one and only really functioning A.I. for nothing.

So, him and JARVIS go to work and it's _exhilarating_.

It takes Tony two more days – nights are civilly spent in bed, in the apartment, even if Tony is not getting much sleep – to finish the codes; now it only needs to be tested on the cube itself, but Tony is sure everything will work fine.

It does, Coulson texts him a few hours later. Nate cannot come because he's too new and not even officially part of the organization – despite his priceless help and involvement – so he can't get into a Security Level 7 facility.

Instead he is sitting in a room with Bruce and one of the programmers, staring at the giant screens where the data is displayed: everything works as it should. Nate has been proclaimed a genius, half-officially, and gained kind of a worship of the rest of the tech division of S.H.I.E.L.D., even though they have never really met in person. It's nice. It's the kind of attention he feels okay with.

'You have been here all day – how about we get something to eat?' Bruce asks Nate and Tony wonders how does that work, people being so nice to him. Even if it's Bruce, someone he knows as Iron Man.

'_Yeah, sure_,' Nate types. Bruce offers him a small smile and leads him to the mess and then Nate Rives meets Clint and Natasha.

He and Natasha are polite and pleasant, circling around each other; he and Clint kick off as perfectly as Tony and Clint would. Plus, Clint knows ASL, too, so the communication, again, is on a different level. Bruce and Natasha just raise eyebrows when the two man engage in a heated discussion about S.H.I.E.L.D., Clint insisting that Nate should work for them and Nate saying that he doesn't want to because he doesn't like people. Clint makes a face.

'_You should at least be a consultant, then, if you don't want to work here normally_.'

'_Possible?'_

'_Coulson_ _knows_,' Clint signs back, grinning. Of course, Coulson knows everything.

Being _employed_ a consultant doesn't sound too bad, Tony decides. In fact, it would be perfect.

Coulson agrees and Nate Rives thanks him with such a pretty smile while Tony is kind of laughing inside, but only kind of: they are just letting him in now. Of course he has access to all their data and information anyway, but it's nice to be invited.

Sharing time between Iron Man, Nate's voluntary jobs, the S.H.I.E.L.D. one, Riverside, and Tony Stark's post-mortem projects – it sounds like a good way to live his life.

* * *

The next few days pass quietly, Tony is calmly working on a new suit and a few upgrades to the old ones, as well as is writing an A.I. for the team he's collaborating with – they are building a robot but it's one of the medical things, so he doesn't feel too bad about it not being him creating the bot – and he spends evenings with Happy and Doc sometimes, running and cooking and talking and even drinking, sometimes, _a bit_.

Iron Man goes for another mission, it was planned for later this month but Coulson and Clint need to go to New Mexico again as there are some more disturbances that might mean Thor or aliens, again, Thor preferably, but no one can be sure.

When Tony leaves Coulson's office after briefing and submitting his op report, he sees Steve waiting in the hall by the window, staring out of it and looking… lost. Steve does that a lot.

'I was hoping to catch you,' he says and Tony is glad that the helmet doesn't let Steve see the surprise on his face.

'Hey, Steve – why? Do you need anything?'

'No, I just thought we could… talk or something, if you have time, you know…'

'Okay,' Tony says in Iron Man's voice. 'Why me, though? You live here with Clint and Natasha and Bruce, so I thought –'

'They are busy,' Steve replies, turning away from the window. 'I was hoping – if you really have time – if you could help me with some things, you know, 21st century things?'

'I thought someone was teaching you stuff?'

'They are, but you know, I am pretty behind and it all seems messy and they – they keep staring at me as I was an alien.'

'I know that feeling,' Iron Man laughs easily and the sound makes Steve react just like Bruce did when he heard it for the first time: it makes him smile widely, eyes glimmering with amusement, and cock his head. 'Anywhere is particular?'

'It's a nice day,' Steve murmurs, looking almost guilty all of sudden. 'And they won't let me out yet, not that I don't understand because I can hardly figure anything _here_, not to mention outside, but I like my freedom, you know.'

'Well, let's go to the roof then, at least you will get some fresher air,' Tony says and turns around to get to the elevator. He could fly, but he doesn't want to leave Captain behind.

'Bruce told me what you said to him one time,' Steve starts when they are outside, engulfed by the strong wind, with sun shining brilliantly and illuminating the whole city and the ocean; the building isn't very tall, but it's nicely situated and the view from the top is really pretty. 'That you are just a man underneath the suit. Do – do people tend to forget that?'

'Yeah. They do. Or rather they don't really think about it: they know I am not a robot, but they don't seem to think of me in the categories of a normal human being. But that's okay: I am far from being that when I am in the suit. It was – it was a choice I made, you know.'

'Everyone treats me like Captain America here,' Steve confesses, lowering his voice and walking up to the edge of the building to look at the traffic down on the streets. 'Even if they call me Steve. I know it's because they seem to _know_ Captain America much better, from the stories and the comic books and everything – I have heard enough legends about myself so far, you know – and no one knows _me_, really. Not many people used to knows me even back… back in my times. Just my commandos and a few others from the military. When I went to war I – I left nothing behind. No family, no friends. I took with myself all I have been.'

'You miss it,' Iron Man concludes, still standing a few steps behind the captain.

'I think it's only natural,' Steve admits. 'They were my friends, and now – I was given a folder with their data. They are all dead, every single one of them. Some lived as long as ninety. But now they are gone. They had families, kids and grandchildren, and I… I don't want to meet with those people.'

'Understandable, Steve,' Tony replies. 'They are strangers. You owe them nothing. They don't even know you exist, because you _shouldn't_ exist.'

'You are the first person to tell me that, you know?' Steve laughs bitterly, turning around to look at Iron Man. 'Everyone else seems to think I am too fragile to hear something like that said out loud. As if I was going to break.'

'I don't think you are going to break,' Tony assures him, even though the artificial voice doesn't really convey emotions and it sounds just flat. 'I _know_ you are stronger than that. Even if it must feel like everything has happened only weeks ago.'

'You don't realize how much I appreciate you talking with me normally, you know?' Steve laughs again, in the same humorless way. 'Everyone seems to avoid that – well, they wanted me to talk with a psychologist or whoever, I don't really know what is the difference, but I am not going to talk to a stranger freely. Maybe that's the outdated me, but it would feel wrong… But yeah,' he adds, rubbing his wrist with the other hand nervously. 'It feels like losing them just a few days ago, a few weeks, like – such a short time.'

'You are allowed to grieve,' Tony says solemnly, even if it gets lost on Iron Man's voice. He kind of wants to go and strangle all those S.H.I.E.L.D. _specialists_ now; he thought they would be smarter than _avoidance_ and awe, the two last things that Steve needs now. He needs – he needs something to hook him to this reality and Avengers might be the thing, but it comes with time because the team is a continuous thing and they meet too rarely to be a proper foothold.

'Yes, I guess…'

'I would offer you a hug,' Iron Man says, standing impassively; Tony would like to do something with his hands, with his fingers, like he usually does, but it's rather impossible in the suit. 'But you know, I am all metal now and it would be awkward.'

For a fraction of second Steve looks like a beaten puppy; he is too perfect to be real.

'I don't know, could you?...' he asks, turning his head away and blushing slightly, as if it was something shameful. Now Tony _really _wants to hit someone for fucking with the kid so much – Steve is just so lost and scared and young and they should take care of him if they are claiming the right to keep him in the HQ and control his life –

'Sure,' he just says, walks up a few steps and pulls Steve into a hug. It _is_ a strange experience, he can't really feel the heat of Steve's body or the strength of his embrace, but he knows it's all there, and at the same time he has to control himself not to hurt the man with some piece of the suit that is definitely not made for human interaction but for battles or flying high in the sky whenever Tony feels like.

Steve rests his head on Iron Man's shoulder and it takes him over a minute to pull away.

'Can we be friends?' Steve asks when he takes a step back and looks at Iron Man with a small smile. Tony blinks a few times behind the faceplate, bewildered.

'Just like that?'

'I don't know about how it works nowadays, but – what more do we need?'

'Point taken,' Tony agrees, laughing lightly. JARVIS conveys it perfectly through the synthesizer. 'I am not too good at making friends, so I wouldn't really know, but okay. Friends,' he states extending his hand and Steve grasps it strongly and shakes it.

Even though it's going to make Tony's life more complicated, it surely will, he is sure it will be worth it.

* * *

On Monday Tony starts the next two weeks of radiation, but he is feeling – well, not _too_ bad, thanks to all the meds that Levy and Doc insist he take.

The work is going well: he has finished all the suit upgrades and is slowly building the new Mark, completely invisible thanks to new better panels he's been working on for three months, they are the most tricky parts, and the new repulsors that give really minimal amount of light and sound. He can't wait to have it finished: he will be able to spend hours, hours and hours in the air without anyone noticing anything, and flying is, and always will be, one of the most amazing and rewarding things. He signed the consulting contract with S.H.I.E.L.D. and it means he can work from wherever he wants as long as he gets the job done; it'll makes things easier if there is a conflict of interests between being Iron Man and Nate.

As soon as he put his signature on the papers, Coulson presented him with Level 7 clearance because – quote – _S.H.I.E.L.D. is the best agency out there, but we were sorely lacking a man like you and we have a lot of work waiting to be done_. It's a lot of work including a lot of secrets and it's fun to have them handed to him on a silver platter.

Tony ends up spending half of his working time on his personal projects and half on S.H.I.E.L.D. and the voluntary jobs, but Happy and Doc – and JARVIS, most of all JARVIS – make sure he gets a lot of rest, especially during the two-week courses, so a few days into the radiation he finds himself with a few morning hours to fill, even when he adds a meeting with Steve every few days, during which they talk history, tech and science.

JARVIS has a much as locked him out of the workshop; Tony has to agree that it's probably for the best, but it's still annoying, even after all these months, not being able to work like he used to. Kind of difficult if you are a workaholic and _love_ your job.

A sudden idea and one telephone call later he finds himself waiting at Riverside's doorstep, waiting for Annik to come out with the youngest three and go for a walk. All the other kids are away, school and kindergarten respectively.

When the woman walks out of the building, Tony can't help but wonder how does she do it by herself: Lino and Leila, the seventeen months twins in a double pushchair, and Mikayla – a big girl, two years already – holding her hand and seeming eager to just run off. Annik probably has her own superpower.

'Let's go to the park, it's just ten minutes' walk and the kids love it there,' she tells him and offers a smile. He nods in agreement and a moment later there is a little thing clinging to his leg. 'They adore you, you know? It's like you have some magical magnetic power,' she laughs. 'Mikayla, please?'

The girl looks between the two adults, wriggles her hand out of Annik's grasp and offers it to Tony. He freezes for a moment, unsure what to do – unsure why the kid would just trust him so easily, just like that? – but Annik gives him an encouraging smile, so he locks his hand around the small one and they start walking.

Mikayla can't read, obviously, so Annik works as a translator between _Nate_ and the girl, but really, they don't need too many words when they play. It's one of those _I would have never done this_ experiences for Tony: a playground filled with children, shouting and running, and their mothers, it's at least 90% mothers, trying to half-heartedly control the mess and looking as if they were enjoying themselves a lot in the middle of it.

That isn't so strange to understand when Tony finds himself enjoying it, too.

It's as far from Tony Stark's life as it gets and he _loves_ it.

When they are start walking back, Annik notices that Mikayla is tired – she would never say that herself, Tony learns, and he likes the girl even more because that is so like him – and Tony ends up carrying her, the girl basically sitting on his hip, with is arms wrapped around her small body, and he doesn't mind at all when his back and his chest around the reactor is achy for the rest of the day.

'You were such a great help,' Annik tells him when they are back. 'If you ever have some time, you are always welcome here,' she assures him.

'_I will try to come by_,' he types and smiles, waves Mikalya a goodbye and goes back home taking the subway. Subway is something new, too, a big change from Bentley with a chauffeur waiting 24/7, but it's thrilling. So many things seem new and worth discovering all of sudden.

* * *

At the beginning of May Thor finally comes back to Earth – Tony knows it straight away 'cause JARVIS is always following S.H.I.E.L.D. communication channels – and the next morning he is in New York with Coulson and Clint. Avengers' meeting has been postponed until the two members are back, so as soon as they reach the HQ, on May 3rd, everyone is called in. Tony would rather spend the day in bed, but he manages to get up, take a cold refreshing shower; a few pills and a bowl of hot soup later he is ready to go.

One great thing about Iron Man is that no one will exclaim _you look terrible! _or ask_ are you okay?_ as soon as they see him. Tony appreciates that a lot.

'I being grave tidings, my friends,' Thor starts as soon as all the Avengers are in the conference room. He doesn't seem anyhow surprised by the two new teammates, he must have been briefed by Coulson before. Of course. 'My brother, who is, sadly – beyond reason – is preparing an attack and I am afraid it is vengeance on the planet that I hold dear. I have been trying to come here sooner, Son of Coul has informed me you were aware of my fruitless attempts, I was forced to find a new means of transportation, differing gravely from what I have used previously, and it took me a long time to succeed. But here I am now bearing the news, and I want to assure you that I will not leave you until my brother is captured. We do not know where he is at present. We only know he _will_ attack Midgard and I am obliged – I desire – to aid you with preparations for the battle.'

'Wow, that's a great thing to hear first thing in the morning, you've got to admit,' Spider Man comments dramatically, rocking the chair he is sitting in back and forth.

'_First thing_? That's not fair –' Clint starts, but Steve's look makes him shut up immediately.

'A battle. With whom, exactly?' Captain asks in his serious commanding voice, observing Thor guardedly.

'I do not know, Captain. For that I am sorry. None of my messengers have been able to tell me; only Loki has been sighted, here and there, bragging and asking, disputing about war and kingship, but he can create emanations of himself and therefore telling his real place of residence is impossible.'

'How do you know he is not bluffing?' Clint ask, this time more seriously. Well, no Cheetos on the table, it already means the situation is unusual.

'I trust my messengers with my life,' Thor states firmly and no one has any doubts regarding that. 'Also, I know my brother. You, mortals, do not think the way we do. I have seen him doing great things, but I have seen him doing foul things, too, in bouts of madness. And I fear this is the case now. He is envious of my future kingship and won't stop by himself.'

'Do we have any way of telling when and where he will attack?' Coulson asks, rolling his sleeves up and undoing the top button of his shirt; it's going to be a long debate.

'I expect him to strike within a month. As to the place, he surely will lead his army to wherever he will do most harm to hurt me more. He knows I will come to aid people wherever it might be.'

'That doesn't help us much,' Bruce murmurs. He is strangely calm, given the situation, but that's only for the best.

'I will tell you all about my brother that you need to know and maybe that shall let us all find an answer together,' Thor informs them and starts talking.

The meeting lasts for two hours before they get a break, but there is still so much to talk about, so probably another two hours or more ahead. Tony is nursing a headache despite the medicine that he took, and he knows he won't be able to focus properly if he lets it be like this, so he sneaks off during when everyone else is getting food, asks JARVIS to black the cameras out, and half-lifts his faceplate to put a few more pills into his mouth and drink some water. When he is back in the room Bruce asks him if he isn't hungry and he, very honestly, says that no, he couldn't eat right now anyway.

Not a good moment, really, but he can't just run away now and stay in bed when the fucking world needs saving.

The next two hours pass quickly: they talk, shout, argue, talk some more, and make a few important decisions. The whole S.H.I.E.L.D. and other _secret_ _agencies_ are going to be on alert, every active member prepared to fight in case of need, and the Avengers are scheduled to meet twice a week for training to perfect their teamwork, especially including the two newest members.

Tony feels only like sleeping for a month without a break at the moment, definitely not fighting and training and waiting, waiting, waiting, but life is a bitch.

Luckily, the next morning is his last radiation in this cycle, so he's only going to be better for the next three weeks. He can only pray to whatever force might be out there, asking for the battle to _not_ take place later than in three weeks, when he might be almost-fainting and trying to sleep off nausea and headaches.

The schedule tightens now: Friday afternoon, _Nate_ spends about eight hours working on a security system for the Tesseract, since it is likely to be a target. They don't have a way to shut off or activate the cube yet –the research has been proving rather helpful, but they need _time_ – so the only thing they can do is suppress it as much as possible. That's a collaborating work between the R&D and the programming team, but Tony feels like he is doing most of the job there. Not that he's complaining.

Iron Man asks Thor why can't he just take Tesseract home, when it's something Loki desires, but apparently with Loki who is going to attack the Earth _for _sure, Odin staying in Odinsleep and Thor in Midgard, the cube would be too easy for Loki to find and steal from Asgard.

Tony decides it's a bit messed up, but there is nothing he can do other than work as well as possible and he does exactly that. His teaching dates with Steve get cancelled until further notice.

On Saturday, Nate goes to Riverside and acts as if nothing has happened. Well, nothing _has_ happened, really, and there is nothing he can do to make the kids anyhow safer.

In the evening, JARVIS locks him out of the workshop.

'I understand that there is a difficult situation, sir, and it might endanger the whole planet, but you cannot work efficiently when you are so tired. Don't forget that I monitor your vitals all the time, sir. You can't fool me,' the A.I. tells him and Tony wonders why does he even let JARVIS sass so much.

But he is really fucking exhausted.

'The world can wait half a day,' JARVIS adds and calls Happy who comes to pick Tony up. Happy sighs theatrically when Tony almost crawls into the car and sinks into the seat lifelessly. Happy wakes Tony up when they are back in the underground garage and drags him to the elevator and then into the apartment and Tony sleeps for twelve hours straight, without eating or showering or taking his clothes off; he only finds his shoes by the bed when he wakes up at 0500 hrs feeling much more _alive_.

Doc and Happy are sitting in the kitchen, as if it wasn't such an early hour, playing Monopoly, special _Stark Industries _edition from a few years back when the company had its 70th birthday. Okay. Playing monopoly, eating club sandwiches and drinking tea; the tea, it is totally Scott's doing.

'You feeling better, boss?' Happy asks as soon as Tony comes into view, even though he doesn't even raise his head.

'Yeah,' Tony admits weakly, he doesn't like to admit when he is _not_ feeling good, he's never liked that. He should have got used to that by now, but well. 'Thanks for yesterday,' he adds quickly as he walks across the kitchen. Happy still doesn't look up, but he is grinning now. At least one good deed for the day: make someone smile.

'JARVIS won't let you get coffee before you eat something substantial,' Doc offers when Tony stands in front of the coffee machine. 'We didn't force you to eat anything yesterday, but that's not gonna happen today. There is soup on the stove. Heat it up for yourself, kiddo,' Doc finishes and goes back to his game, humming loudly and sipping his tea.

It's cream of asparagus with parmesan and cream and bacon pieces, so Tony eats a full bowl and a half even though he doesn't feel hungry; he knows, rationally, that his body needs it, though.

'Plans for today?' Happy asks when Tony is done with the soup, putting a mug of hot cocoa in front of him.

'Iron Man has an emergency training with the rest of the team –'

'You should skip this one, boss, really –'

'– mostly strategy, baby,' Tony finished, glaring. 'I will be _fine_. And Nate has a meeting with his team in the evening. Apparently Fury decided that we need a brainstorm with the R&D guys, I can't phantom why, I could do more work by myself that the three of them do together with _their teams_,' Tony whines, but the other men just roll their eyes and make him drink the cocoa and swallow some medicine.

Everything goes just a planned until it doesn't.

_Nate Rives_ finds himself face to face with Captain America – well, he is not in the costume, so maybe it's Steve Rogers – as they almost bump into each other.

'I am sorry, agent…' Steve starts, looking at Tony's chest for the ID that all agents have pinned to their S.H.I.E.L.D. suits or hanging from their necks. Nate doesn't have one and he can't say anything, so he just smiles apologetically, takes the tablet out and quickly types a message, each of his movements followed by curious eyes.

'_Nate Rives. I'm not an agent, just a consultant. I don't speak, hence this graceless form of communication, unless you know ASL_.'

'I don't know what it is,' Steve admits, blinking, as he stares at the small screen.

'_American Sign Language,_' Tony types quickly. '_Honored to meet you, Captain_,' he adds. Steve smiles.

'Call me Steve. I might be Captain, but only in the uniform,' he adds firmly, offering Nate a hand. This is becoming a thing.

'_Call me Nate, then_,' he types.

'So you are a consultant? I haven't met any yet.'

'_I am the one and only_,' Tony informs him, grinning mischievously. '_I am a programmer, I write computer programs and I am damn good at that, Everyone wants me. S.H.I.E.L.D. too, but I can't have them all of me,_' he adds. Steve snickers when he reads the message and Tony's eyebrows shoot up. He hasn't known Steve for a long time, but he would rather expect him to be at least slightly disapproving.

'Got that,' Steve sounds amused; maybe he is in good mood because the training with the team went well, Tony has to admit. 'I wasn't given a choice, you know,' he says jokingly, but it is totally sincere underneath the surface.

Tony smiles a bit awkwardly and sighs.

'_Sorry, but I need to run now. There is some work I need to get done for Fury,_' he types and after a moment of pause adds '_I hope we run into each other sometime ;)_'

Whether Steve knows or not what emoticons are Tony doesn't know, but given how much time he spends with Clint, Tony would rather vote for yes.

'Yeah. Sure. Nice to meet you,' Steve replies, nodding, and Tony waves at him and disappears. He _doesn't _have any work to do now and even if he did, the two mother hens back in the apartment won't let him do anything more strenuous than go for a walk. It's just that minimizing the contact as Nate makes it easier to be around Steve as Iron Man; less things to control, less things to think of.

* * *

The next three weeks pass in anxious anticipation of the inevitable.

Tony tries not to let the restlessness affect him too much, but it's rather difficult. He wishes he could do something more, something special, to prevent anyone or anything he cares about from harm, but there is still no telling where Loki might strike, so any kind of attempt of evacuation will be rather futile and might end up with people panicking.

Nate goes out for a walk with Annik a few more times and visits Riverside every Saturday, as somehow he's managed to work his schedules around that appointments. Iron Man trains a few times a week with the whole team and with each member individually. Tony checks S.H.I.E.L.D.'s data, trying to pick out anything unusual, anything that could be an answer _anyhow_, and observes how the whole secret world – the part behind the scenes – is waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen.

Captain America doesn't run into the mute consultant again, Nate insists on teleconferences instead of real meetings because honestly, he mostly works by himself anyway. Fury and the rest of the guys have to agree because Nate is too good to say no to him.

Iron Man and Steve don't get much time together, but when they do, they mostly talk about practical things, what means the ops they were parts of, the strange work stories, and sometimes they gossip about the teammates, but only a bit. It's a strange kind of _friendship_, when no one knows the other half really closely, Steve doesn't even know Iron Man's name, but somehow they make it work.

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who commented. I am so so grateful for every line you drop me! It really is such a great motivation.

So, here we have a few meetings and a few hits for the future... and we part at the eve of a battle :p I hope you enjoyed this piece, too. Let me know? :)


	10. The city of fear part 3

**The city of fear (part 3)**

Then it just happens, all of sudden: in the early morning of 25th – three days before Tony's next radiation cycle, thanks heavens for the little things – S.H.I.E.L.D. facility in northeastern region of New York state sends an emergency signal and reports immediate evacuation order due to the Tesseract acting up in a completely unprecedented manner.

The Avengers assemble in ten minutes, all of them dressed up and with gear on hand, and wait for any kind of information, and it comes maybe a fifteen minutes later, from Maria Hill: Fury is unconscious, as well as several scientists and the security detail from the research facility, and Loki has apparently disappeared somewhere with the Tesseract; all the Helicarrier's spectrometers are calibrated for gamma radiation to find the cube, but Loki must be shielding it with some kind of spell – Thor seems to think so, at least – and it's untraceable.

What basically means they can't even do anything but wait and it's more mentally exhausting than anything else could be.

Clint and Spider Man, being the crazy darling assholes they are, try to play battleship, but Captain stops them soon enough and tells them to _please be serious for a few moments when we are facing an alien threat and a potential catastrophe_. They still play, but at least sitting next to each other and keeping silent. Thor is pacing back and forth, swinging his hammer, and it kinds of drives Tony crazy so he orders JARVIS to shut the visualand give him the newest data on everything that might be related on the HUD.

Then they get a message saying just this: _Loki is trying to open a portal on the top of Stark Industries Tower_ and at the same time a lot of thing happen: Thor _jumps out of the window_ and flies. Like, _flies_, towards Stark Tower. Tony doesn't faint and fall to the fucking floor only because JARVIS locks the armor's joins.

'Miss Potts is on a conference in Austin, sir,' the A.I. adds and Tony's head clears a bit, but he missed the first two sentences of whatever Coulson is saying.

'… not far away from here, the Quinjet will help you get up and onto the top of the tower. Wait –' he stops for a moment, 'Hill says Fury is okay, just beat up, they are getting up to Helicarrier, she gave instructions to all the police and army squads in the city and WSC is informing the other cities and countries, they will be on alert. We need to get New York under control ourselves.'

'Why does it always have to be New York?' Clint whines, even if it isn't really true; the last few attacks happened in the U.S., but not in NYC itself.

'Iron Man, Spider Man, you need to get on your own to the tower and take care of the civilians you might meet on your way, now move, move it!' he yells; Clint, Natasha and Steve run out of the room to go to wherever the jet might be.

'Bruce – you stay here and wait for any intel we give you, but we might need the other guy,' Coulson adds quietly, waits exactly until Bruce nods, and disappears, too.

A moment later there is a voice coming from Avengers' comm, Coulson giving update on Helicarrier's position, and then Tony gets a message for Nate, asking him to analyze the last readings from the facility before the Cube was stolen.

'J, you're on that, right?' he asks, getting to the roof and taking off, the HUD shining with colors and numbers when Tony turns his head around to look at the SI tower: the portal is already open, a blue column of light going straight into the sky and –

– a hole, an actual hole in the sky, black and energy-absorbing, as far as the suit's sensors can read, and there is something coming out of it.

'Of course,' Tony murmurs, his brain unconsciously aware of all data JARVIS displays. 'An army, isn't that what Thor said, and _army_ of god-knows-who? Or what? J – Happy? Doc? Riversi – _fuck!_ Give me an update, like, a year ago –'

'Mister Happy and Mister Eisen are okay, driving one of your cars to the underground workshop just like you instructed them _in case_. Riverside is okay, it's out of the center of the attack, sir, and nothing is happening in that area at the moment. I am afraid we cannot do anything, the roads are blocked, the civilian communication is mostly down.'

'Keep tabs on them and keep me informed – and give me that readings for Nate in a sec,' Tony asks, accelerating, and he gets no more than a glance at the data before he is fully engaged in a fight with several of the aliens.

'Those are Chitauri, they come from outside of the Nine Realms,' Thor's voice booms via the comm just as Tony blasts two of the _Chitauri _down; a second later Black Widow, Hawkeye and Captain jump out of the Quinjet that fires all its weapons taking down several of the aliens and flies away swiftly. 'I am afraid Loki has escaped from where the portal is,' Thor continues. 'But it's of no matter now, we need to battle the invaders to prevent the destruction from the city,' he adds grimly and Tony realizes what the problem is: Thor's _beloved_ is somewhere in the middle of this mess, trying to work out the portal just as _Nate_ aka JARVIS and several other S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists are –

– but not Banner, Tony is informed a second later via a roar that would wake up all the fucking dead within fifty miles. Suddenly, Hulk _leaps_ and finds himself clutched to a building a few streets to Tony's right, smashing the aliens on their _air scooters_ or whatever as if they were flies.

Spider Man seems to have more fun than he should with catching the invaders into his webs.

Coulson, already on the carrier – he was flying the jet that dropped the agents and Captain – gives them all the info he can via comms and it's _not_ all good information, but apparently there is only one portal – what a fucking relief – and the Avengers seem to be managing okay, very much thanks to the Hulk. NYPD is doing the job down on the streets, evacuating people from buildings and streets to the subway tunnels.

The scientists are on another line, having a teleconference, each staring at his own screen, but they can't come up with anything that makes sense because the readings are outlandish; it only makes Tony think about what Thor said one time: that the Tesseract is a magical object, just like his hammer. It doesn't make sense to Tony, who has been born married to science, but apparently it _is_ real.

The third line is Happy but he only speaks up every five minutes to report if they are okay – they are – and if something is happening in the perimeter – a few bodies knocked out of the sky, but no living Chitauri. Riverside is okay, too. Tony feels like an egoistic asshole, but he is kind of happy that nothing is happening to the people that are important to him. And Pepper plus Rhodey, who are out of the town and country respectively, are out of the direct danger, so that's one less thing to worry about.

Fighting is going all right, even if the armor's supply of ammo is getting steadily lower, until a few of giant bug things, Thor doesn't supply the team with a name, come through the portal and Iron Man deals with them Jonah-style – it's a completely crazy thing to do, but it works and really, there isn't much time for thinking – Hulk takes a few on his own, growling and roaring like a wild beast he is, and Thor's lightning proves much more useful here than with the portal that just can't be closed.

No one has any idea what to do. The science team has no answer either.

Then Maria gets on the comm line and tells Avengers that Loki is _on the Helicarrier. _

Thor immediately wants to take off – Mjolnir apparently has a built-in magical GPS – but there is like a dozen of the giant things coming back and he can't leave. Clint offers the team a long stream of curse words, shouted and murmured, until Natasha makes him shut up and _focus_ because apparently there are some ten aliens tailing him.

'Coulson, what do we do? Any orders now?'

'You try to close the portal, we will deal with Loki,' the agent's calm voice pours through the comm devices and everyone is probably relaxing a tiny bit, that's what Tony does at least. So far everybody is uninjured, accounted for and with some ammo left, so it's not a completely fucked up situation _yet_, but it will be it the portal stays open.

There is another twenty minutes of fight – Tony, by some miracle, manages to swing by the area where the mansion is and get some new ammo, but he doesn't have time to even lift the faceplate up to show Happy that he is okay, he just lets JARVIS take care of placing the weapons in place and shoves the man back into the kind-of-safe workshop, it all takes no longer than two minutes – and it makes everyone exhausted because hey, the Chitauri keep coming as if it was a never-ending stream and the other superhero teams were pretty far out to begin with, so even if they manage to arrive and give aid, it will be in at least an hour and no one will last a few hours – Tony doesn't let himself think too much, well, there really isn't a second he can spare for sappy moments of melancholy. After dealing with a few of the giant monsters, Thor finally takes off; there are a few quieter moments.

And then everything goes to hell in a second.

Coulson says, in his usual voice, via the comm like that Loki has a spear and said spear can close the portal but the god has tricked Thor into containment – _yes, the Hulk-proof one_ – so Thor can't get it.

Then he stops in mid-sentence and the comm goes silent, transmitting only an unpleasant buzz for a few moments before Tony cuts Coulson's device off the line.

Clint shouts and then Natasha does too, and Steve, and it's something bad because they are all near each other, Iron Man's sensors keep track of them. He lets JARVIS take a few shots and turns around to see Clint falling off _Empire State building_ and Tony can swear his heart stops for a second – but then Spider Man catches him, puts him on the pavement at Captain's feet and leaps in the air again, hitting a couple of the scooter-riders in the process.

Hill says the Helicarrier is one engine down and they are lucky the other three are okay, but it's close to being a disaster – and a second later she adds that Loki has disappeared. Clint asks about Coulson, but she says she doesn't know; all the systems of the ship are scrambled.

Spider Man comes in sight and take a few more of the flying things tangling them in his webs and lining for Iron Man to shoot down while Widow helps Hawkeye up – or Natasha helps Clint up, it's more like that, her touch much more tender than Widow's could ever be – and it's not even five minutes before Hill makes contact again.

With Iron Man only, he notices, JARVIS is tracing the calls.

'WSC sent a nuke to bomb Manhattan,' she states drily, but her voice trembles the way Tony would have never expected. 'We have three minutes.'

'I'm on it,' Tony tells her without missing a second to think about it.

Because – because of Happy and Doc and all the rest of people who look out for him, Riverside and S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters and his team, because of all the fucking eight million people living in the city and he – he can do this.

Tony is wearing the newest suit and it's not even dented that much, not destroyed very much, he can make it, JARVIS calculated everything on 0.3 second.

It's two minutes left when he gets to the missile – at least it's not SI-made – and grabs it, almost attaching it to the suit. His mind is really too numb to think; the only thing he is aware of now is the weight on his back and how fucking fitting that it.

New York can't be nuked, his brain says. Therefore, the missile must be but somewhere. Portal. Aliens. Outer space. Different dimension. Easy.

And it's not like he will be losing much if he dies now, a few months, it's just – _Pepper. Pepper _and _Rhodey_.

'Shall I call someone?' the A.I. asks knowingly; he doesn't have to ask Tony what he is planning. He can read his creator's mind – he's already cut off the Avengers' comm and the scientist's line, leaving Tony to silence and a rainbow of data on the HUD.

'No, J. You know – you know what to do. Make sure it's done,' he just says, shivering a little, but it is lost on the suit.

'Thor escaped from the containment cell is fighting with Loki on the top of SI tower, sir,' JARVIS offers and a moment later Tony sees it, but he can't do anything right now. They will manage.

Fifty seconds when Tony reaches the stream of blue light shooting up in the sky and starts following it.

'I am so sorry, J. Tell them I am sorry,' Tony adds in whisper, taking last look at the view of the city underneath: there is so much destruction. But he will stop more destruction from coming. That's – that's a noble thing to do. The right thing. Something he's always wanted to do.

Thirty seconds and he enters the portal; all the noises are suddenly gone and he is surrounded by ringing silence that almost physically hurts. JARVIS takes the suit as far as possible – seventeen, sixteen, stops at fifteen seconds, Tony's hands fall and the nuke goes on thanks to the momentum.

Twelve and Tony starts falling; he is counting only in his mind now, so he might be wrong, he might be counting milliseconds or eons. With the suit's power going out all the lines in front of his eyes have disappeared and the only thing he can see it the giant planet-like mother-ship of the Chitauri, and the bright strange stars all around.

Eight and he is falling so fast that it hurts, every single of his cells hurt so much that he uncontrollably yells in pain, it feels as if some strange force was ripping his body apart – he misses seven and six and five and four, but manages to open his eyes at three – the starts are so bright they hurt his eyes.

Two. One.

Then he sees the orange-red light, a curiously-shaped explosion because there is no surface, nothing to stop it, and Tony closes his eyes with all the light and colors still in front of his eyes.

'_The eyes are not here, there are no eyes here in this valley of dying stars, in this hollow valley_,' Tony murmurs soundlessly to himself. It seems viscerally fitting.

He keeps falling and it keeps hurting. He is _free_.

* * *

Tony wakes up laying sprawled on the pavement, still in the suit, JARVIS _shouting_ at him to open his eyes. Maybe that made him wake up from – _fuck._

JARVIS was never programmed to be able to shout, but apparently he can. Somehow.

'… rip your suit apart, sir, if you don't start moving, I can control the armor and copy your speech patterns only to a certain extent –'

'Nuke?' Tony manages to rasp out, blinking rapidly to clear his blurry vision.

'Hit the mother-ship just as it exploded – the Chitauri all fell when it happened, I gathered, sir. The portal was closed – you fell through it a second before. How are you feeling?'

'Lucky me,' Tony coughs, sitting up _slowly._ Like, really, really, really slowly. 'You can guess, J – everyone?'

'The Avengers are around you, sir, all of them,' JARVIS says a bit smugly and Tony finally is sitting up properly, with the A.I.'s help, and lifts his head up. They really are here. 'Riverside is all right. The workshop is under control, too. No damage.'

'What we got?' Tony asks weakly, ignoring the headache that starts sliding under his skin, nesting somewhere between his temples. It takes him ten more seconds to stand up and the rest of the team just seems to stare blankly somewhere behind him.

'Loki was incapacitated, Thor informed the rest of the team. His spear is gone –'

'What _happened_?'

'Agent Coulson was gravely injured by Loki, sir,' JARVIS says quietly. 'The doctors can't say if he will be all right.'

'_Fuck_,' Tony swears angrily, shuddering. He knew something was wrong that moment when Clint fell but he didn't think – no one thought – 'Get all the data you can from S.H.I.E.L.D. as soon as all their systems are up, I want to know _everything_,' he barks and then takes a deep breath.

'Are you sure you should stand up? I mean, I know you are cool and tough and all but you fell out of the outer space –'

'I am fine,' Tony interrupts Spider Man. He looks battered but in surprisingly good spirits; Tony guesses it makes some sense since they _did fight off _an alien invasion. For what cost – it's not definite yet. Not yet. 'Don't look at me like that, Captain,' he adds. 'The suit is really much sturdier than it looks. Everything is all right – and I believe we have work to do, right?' he asks, turning towards Thor who is eying him with concern and some confusion.

'Aye. That we do,' the god agrees.

S.H.I.E.L.D. ends up taking Loki into custody, guarded by Thor, with Mjolnir set down on his chest to prevent him from even moving, since no Midgardian science can contain magic.

Yes, Tony promises himself. Yet.

Clint disappears with Natasha and the reason and destination are obvious: Coulson is still in surgery and will be for a while. The spear has made quite a dame to his lung and heart and the doctors have _a lot of_ work with him, not to mention that there are dozens of injured agents and hundreds of dead or injured civilians.

Bruce is back to being Bruce and sits in his post-Hulk clothes with Captain, coaxed by the man to eat something to replenish his energy.

Iron Man nods to them and disappears; he knows JARVIS is handling Nate for now – Tony has to congratulate himself for making up the mute act, the A.I. can send written messages without being suspicious – so he goes to the broken engine and it takes him twenty minutes to repair it. Fury gets on Avengers' comm and tells them they will have a debrief with him in two days at 1000 hrs and orders them to get medical attention and some rest now because there is nothing more they can do.

Tony waves at Captain, Bruce and Spider Man and disappears into the air; then he turns on the _invisible_ option and gets straight to the apartment. Happy and Doc are not there yet; he told them everything is all right and didn't listen too much of what they wanted to say. Because apparently, the footage of Iron Man going through the portal with the nuke and saving the whole city was live on TV and now is the most watched video on the internet. At least everywhere where the electricity is working.

Honestly, Tony is too tired to care.

It will take his two babysitters at least an hour to get from the workshop place to the apartment through the rubble and the mess that the world outside is: every single policeman and soldier is working on collecting the Chitauri bodies, weapons and everything _alien,_ while all civilians are helping fellow victims.

As always, in such moment, people seem to be the most formidable of all beings in the universe and they are doing damn good job at being a community. Probably for a day before they will manage to find something to argue about, but it's, for now, uplifting.

Tony can take a minute off, then.

JARVIS unwraps the suit and Tony almost collapses when the metal supporting his weight is not there, all of sudden. He was clever enough to drag himself to the middle of the living room first, so it's only three more steps to the sofa. Tony manages that a bit shakily and the collapses.

He is alive.

He is alive.

He is _still_ alive.

It's so surreal that he decides he might just as well be dreaming already.

* * *

The next day feels even stranger.

Doc looks over and decides that there is nothing terribly wrong with him, just bad bruises, some scraps and a few strained muscles. Not even pulled. It's much less that Tony has expected, so it's big a relief. Happy has called Scott and told him that everyone is alive and safe and that they will meet as soon as some of the mess in NY is cleared, because he knows perfectly well that Tony _won't_ leave the city now.

No one talks about the nuke, but the question is hanging in the air, making the atmosphere heavy but in a way it's comforting, like having a thick blanket wrapped around shoulders.

The first morning _after_ Tony goes to Riverside to check up on the kids. Everything seems to be okay, luckily, the kids are only scared to death, but about 98% of the world is and all the others must be crazy. It is Saturday, but everyone understands when Nate says that he can't stay today; it maybe would be good for the kids, as a distractions, especially for the bit older ones, but Tony just can't do that.

Nate has to go to S.H.I.E.L.D. for a meeting about the Tesseract with Thor and Jane Foster and he has to do that in person; the situation is too serious for him to say _sorry but I can't_.

The meeting is strange and hectic and the most important information of the day is that Thor will be taking the Tesseract to Asgard no matter what the Midgardians say and he will stay there until Odin wakes up – it might be a day or a year, the god says, but he also claims that Odin even is his sleep is somehow able to feel the weight of his responsibilities and he won't be asleep for longer than necessary is a face of such grave incident.

He says it all with Jane sitting in his lap, as if it was totally normal; she stops blushing furiously after ten minutes when everyone stops staring a bit. Nate hasn't known Thor for long, but what he is sure about already is that if the god cares about someone, there is no stopping him, and however strange that may be, he is completely and madly in love with a girl from the earth.

She is totally smitten with him, too, so everything makes a fairytale-like sense.

Thor keeps looking at Nate throughout the meeting, mostly when someone else is speaking, but it's not really staring or anything like that. It's a curious glance of a child, Tony decides, he has seen enough of those recently.

When the meeting ends, Thor disappears with Jane straight away and Nate makes his way out of the building – the boring way, leaving via the main entrance – but before he manages to get to the ground floor, a certain someone suddenly happens to be in front of him.

'_My favorite consultant,_' Clint signs. He looks rather bad, covered with bruises – obvious thing, given how much he was falling and jumping around – and has his left arm in sling, dark bags under his eyes because _of course_ he didn't sleep. He looks just _lifeless._

But he is still standing on his own legs, so it's not that bad.

'_Is everything all right_?' Tony signs, because it's something Nate would ask about not knowing everything that Iron Man knows.

'_Of course not_,' Clint replies and they share a resigned humorless grins. '_But I need to go. I just wanted to check on you. You okay_?'

'_I am_,' Tony assures him. '_Don't worry about me. Take care of yourself._'

'I will,' Clint says aloud. His voice is completely devoid of emotion. 'Good to know you're okay. I had to make sure you didn't – you know. Good. I will see you around,' he adds and turns around, disappearing somewhere a moment later.

Tony spends the rest of the day working on repairing the suit because who the hell knows when he might need it – _anytime_ – so he cannot afford to relay on the older and outdated models; sure, they are good to fly and fight, but it's nowhere near Mark VII. He knows he might be obsessing. A bit. JARVIS says he is obsessing a lot, but Tony doesn't agree; it seems only fitting after what has happened.

No one seems to agree and Tony ends up dragged out of the workshop around nine p.m., Happy drives them to a place they both like and gets them proper warm food and makes Tony eat. Tony himself is rather surprised that he can manage that without throwing everything up straight away, the way his gut feels.

He doesn't tell anyone. It's just fear. It's just being human.

Sunday is the debrief and everyone is present at 1000 hrs sharp, for once not in their uniforms, save Tony and Spider Man. It's a strange mix between _mission_ mode and _normal_ _life_ mode, especially Natasha and Clint, the way Tony has noticed at the end of the battle.

Tony knows Coulson is still in ICU and they can't say if he will live. Two more days, they say, if he pulls through two more days, he will make it. That doesn't make anyone feel better.

'Before we start, I want to tell you one thing, team,' Fury says, his voice as booming and authoritative as always. 'We _are_ dealing with WSC at the moment. Hill is on that, with a few of the top agents. We are _not_ going to tolerate this kind of actions and I am _not_ going to let some bunch of morons to nuke _my_ _city_. I am sorry,' he adds, turning towards Iron Man, and everyone looks at him too. 'That we had to put you in such situation.'

'You – we didn't have choice,' Iron Man's emotionless voice replies and Tony lowers his head a bit. _It doesn't really matter so much, not a big difference, it could have been interesting, for a moment I thought it would be a great way to die_, Tony thinks, but doesn't say any of it aloud, not even to JARVIS. 'Don't reminisce. I am all right. There are other things we need to focus on.'

Fury stays unmoving, with his arms wrapped behind his back and his head tilted slightly, staring at Iron Man as if he was trying to figure something out. Maybe half a minute later he nods slowly, looks down at the papers on the desk in front of him and speaks up.

'Good. I don't know exactly how it's done usually in your team – I trust my agents – so we will do it my way. Let's go through your reports first,' Fury states, looking at them expectantly, and it's Steve to start talking first, everyone following his example.

The debrief doesn't have the usual rhythm and sparkle; half of it is because everything they are talking about is serious matters and heavy stuff and Fury doesn't joke even about funny things; the other half is that Coulson is their friend, better or worse but friend, and the Director is nothing but a foreign substitute.

And, of course, everyone is _exhausted._

* * *

On Monday Tony starts radiation as if nothing has happened. The clinic is pretty far from the center of Manhattan so there is no damage, it works normally. Since Tony's treatment is just come-and-go kind of thing, it's not a problem to conduct it normally, even with all hospital beds filled with the attack's more or less gravely injured victims.

'Are you now going to behave like a responsible adult you are supposed to be, boss, or do we have to ask JARVIS to lock you out of the workshop?' Happy greets Tony when he comes back home at 2200 hrs after spending the whole day working.

There is so much to do. _Again_. And this time for real.

'You will give me curfew?'

'You already have a curfew, you just don't respect it,' Happy replies with straight face, putting a plate full of pasta in front of Tony. 'Now eat.'

'_You do not care if I am hungry_,' Tony says before Happy can do that.

'Oh, so you know that, how nice,' Happy sighs. 'But really, I don't care if the whole world needs your help suddenly. You need _rest_, especially now. You are tired and beat up like a walking eggplant.'

'You are so funny,' Tony scoffs, but sits down with his legs crossed and eats almost all of the food.

'You know you've got something else to do, still,' Happy adds when they are finishes, giving Tony _the look_; he gets up, leaving the things to clean for the bots.

'I know,' Tony admits, biting his lip. He fucking knows.

'I will do it if you don't. Soon.'

'Okay,' Tony agrees because he knows he needs to know that someone will force him. He would be running away as long as possible. 'Please do that,' he adds almost inaudibly. Happy nods. He will.

* * *

June 1st, five days after the post-mission debrief, there is the usual Avengers meeting. It's not official at all; Fury told them he will tell them when they might be needed, but the team decided to meet by themselves anyway. Captain said they have a few things to talk about.

He is the boss here while Coulson is under the meticulous care of S.H.I.E.L.D. medical; he's managed those two days and has even woken up a few times coherent enough to talk. Tony knows Clint has been basically living his hospital room; JARVIS has access to all the cameras. The archer seems much less tired and more… pulled together, what is great. It has been a fucking pain to see him so hurt and broken.

Although everyone seems more or less hurt and broken these days.

'As you know, Agent Coul–'

'Phil,' Clint cuts in with a small smirk. There are no Cheetos this time. 'He'd like that.'

'_Phil_,' Steve says with a smile, 'is going to make it and he will be back with us in a few weeks. Even if it might be a few months before he can work as our handler again – we need to discuss the other potential handlers. The other options. I think at this point we can bargain and get what we want.'

'We really should since we've just saved the world, I think it might be an universal law or something,' Spider Man adds, sitting crouched in his chair like always. 'No one is going to tell me to do what I don't like doing –'

'I will,' Steve stops him, rolling his eyes. 'Watch me. But. I think we did a great job as a team, and it was far more than we could have ever tried to prepare for. I thanked you all already, and we've gone through being all polite and nice, so now down to business.'

'We've been thinking,' Bruce starts, pushing his glasses up a bit with his pinkie like he does all the time. 'We've had some time to figure some things out, about S.H.I.E.L.D., about the Avengers – thanks to Steve, you know everyone breaks down when he speaks to them,' there is a soft wave of laughter, that is so true, 'S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't have any other plans for us than to have the team on standby for any missions that might require our skill set. Like we've been acting so far. But since we all are lost creatures – okay. I will spare you the elevated speech,' he smiles sheepishly. 'Cap?'

'We think we should move in together. Live in one place – out response time would be great and we would get to know each other much better, seeing each other every day – but of course there are two cases.'

'I'd love to sneak into your bedroom and look out for any blackmail, _Steve_, but I am afraid that's impossible,' Spider Man says and it's the first time Tony hears his sounding anyhow apologetic or regretful.

But he knows himself that a Secret Identity means sacrifices.

'I can't,' he says truthfully. 'If you move, though, I fully support the decision. I think Spiderman and I could come around as often as possible. I would certainly try.'

'Well, as long as there are free snacks and beverages,' Spider Man nods eagerly.

Steve smiles in his perfect Cap way and turns his look to Clint and Natasha.

'If you asked me a month ago, I would say no,' Clint says, leaning back in his chair and giving Natasha a long look. 'But now I think I can say yes. As long as Phil is invited.'

'Of course he is,' Natasha scoffs, squeezing his arm reassuringly. 'We're in. I think we genuinely need a break from S.H.I.E.L.D. since we have lived and worked and breathed this place for years.'

'Thor?'

'If I am in Midgard, I would be most glad to join you, my comrades,' Thor replies gravely.

'That's great,' Steve says as earnestly as only he can, 'I really wasn't sure you would say yes. That's really swell,' he adds and laughs lightly; it's nervous but excited. 'We've got a place that we could use. The old S.H.I.E.L.D. facility twelve blocks South from here – you know the place, right?'

'The mansion that's been an emergency safe house and kind of a storage place for the last ten years? We snuck in there dozens of times,' Clint tells them, giving Natasha a look. She returns it and makes him grin tiredly.

'I'll talk with Fury and tell him everything,' Steve concludes. Tony nods at him; it's fascinating to see how the man is spreading his wings and wriggling out of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s grasp. He is much less kind and agreeable than most people have expected, turning out to be exactly what _Tony_ expected him to be, given the anecdote he's heard: a young rebellious man with too many ideals and lots of common sense he ignores skillfully.

They talk for a bit longer, setting a date for another training day and a team meeting, and when they leave Steve asks Iron Man if they could talk. Tony agrees and sits down in his usual place. Steve closes the door behind Clint, who leaves last, and sits next to Tony.

'I don't think I will ever be able to say _thank you_ enough for what you did,' he starts. Tony inclines his head a bit and waits for elaboration. 'I only woke up two months ago and we've had all this things going on, we were expecting _something _all the time. I was expecting something with you all, because I didn't know anything else. I've learned so much about this world from you, and I got a bit attached to you, so when Agent Hill said there is a nuclear weapon sent to destroy Manhattan I… I thought about the millions of people who live here, but it was a second thought. The first was you all, because you are as much of a family as I could ever dream of. And then you – you just did it. Grabbed the nuke. Sent it to space.'

'That was an obvious decision,' Iron Man states. Steve shudders.

'We didn't know if you would come back – you didn't know, right? Or did you?' Steve asks, standing up and starting to pace. 'Well, that decision we made to be friends, I know it was made on a whim, but it mattered a lot to me and when I saw how you…'

'How I don't hesitate,' Tony guesses. Steve nods solemnly. 'I did,' he assures Captain. It doesn't matter if that was half a second. 'But you do know this kind of thing. You did the same, didn't you? You crashed the plane with the Tesseract and decided to die just as easily. Because – let's not lie to each other: we both were sure we were going to die.'

'I was just hoping nothing like that would _ever _happen again, and it did and – just. So close to me. It's always so close,' Steve says quietly. He keeps his pensive eyes on Tony, making him feel strangely exposed, despite the disguise-that-is-no-longer-disguise. And the suit.

'We are in such position that this will happen a lot. But you know it. And you did when you were just Steve Rogers, agreeing to be experimented on for the good of your country. No really sane person would do that,' Tony adds, cocking his head. He knows that Steve has learned so far that it's sometimes an equivalent of a smile that the faceplate cannot convey.

Steve chuckles and his face is just a tiny bit less grim.

'I really appreciate your honesty, Iron Man. Heavens know I need it – but I wanted to ask. That was the point.'

'Ask?'

'Just – are you _really_ okay? You know. You fell out of a sky. Hulk caught you but it was still at such a great speed and force and you took a moment to reply and –'

'Cap,' Tony interjects, getting up and standing in front of Steve. 'Steve. I really appreciate this, but you worry too much. I am here. If something was wrong, I wouldn't be here. It's as easy as that. I was bruised a lot, like all of you, but that's it. You can't let yourself worry too much.'

'I know. I will try.'

'We've got things to do, don't we?'

'I think we do,' Steve agrees and moves towards the door, but Tony puts his gloved hand on his shoulder.

'Hey. We are all right. Every single one of us is, even Phil, he's going to be okay. New York will be rebuilt, not only the city physically, but out spirit, too. Much more than some aliens and almost dying is necessary to break us,' he ends, squeezing Steve's shoulder.

Steve finally smiles the way that he normally does: more radiantly than the sun. Honestly. It really makes everyone happy to make him happy just to get that smile.

'You are right. _Much_ more is needed.'

Tony nods and the finally leave the conference room. Steve goes towards his quarters, to right, and Tony needs to get to the roof – that is the other way – but as soon as he takes the next turn, he almost walks into Thor.

'I am sorry, Man of Iron. I did not anticipate you so soon –'

'You were waiting for me?' Tony asks, surprised, taking a step back and taking in Thor's regal self in his battle clothing that he put on for the meeting.

'Yes. Indeed I was. Could we talk? Where are you headed?'

'To the roof, that's where I fly from – is that okay?'

'I shall accompany you,' Thor decided and follows Tony the few levels up. It takes them maybe three minutes to get outside of the building. 'Can you secure our conversations from the devices that serve the agents controlling this edifice to hear and see us?'

Tony doesn't as how Thor knows that he is able to do something like that, but he tells JARVIS to take control of the cameras and make sure nobody from S.H.I.E.L.D. will be able to listen to their conversation.

'It's done,' Tony tells Thor, looking at the god curiously, but that's hidden by the helmet. 'What do you need such secrecy for, Thor?'

'I know of your real name, Man of Iron,' Thor says, looking straight at the faceplate and making Tony's heart almost stop.

What_?_

'_What_?'

'I have known since the meeting we had with your fellow science friends and my beloved Jane,' Thor explain, his voice hushed. 'I am an Asgardian. Here, on earth, we have been called gods not only for our strength and abilities – like mine, to fly with Mjolnir– but also for an insight we have into your world and your souls.'

'What – what _kind_ of insight?' Tony rasps out with disbelief; JARVIS makes it a smooth subdued question, the angel he is.

'It is alike a… signature. Each person gives us a certain feeling. It is very unique and we do not make mistakes there. When we met, I felt the same kind of emanation from a Midgardian that calls himself _Nate Rives_ as I feel from you, Iron Man.'

'Oh,' Tony manages, a stream of mixed thoughts racing through his head, but none of them making much sense.

'Do not worry. I will not share this revelation with anyone, 'tis the reason why I asked you to ensure our privacy here.'

Well. That at least makes Tony's heart slow down a bit and wow, breathing normally is fun too – he doesn't even know why he is reacting so strongly. It was bound to happen at some point, Tony has been aware that it's highly probably that someone will connect these two dots sooner or later. He just hoped for later. Much later.

'Why would you tell me that now, then?' he asks finally, staring at Thor whose face lightens and a smile crawls on his face.

'I know naught of your family or friends –'

'I guess you can call me Nate at the moment,' Tony sighs. Thor beams.

'– _Nate_. I thought it would only be kind to ask you if you would not consider sharing this double identity matter with our shield brothers. Then you could come to live with us.'

'Thor, it is…' Tony pauses for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. 'I am happy you thought about me, but I am afraid I won't be able to do that. I – Iron Man and Nate are two separate people, even if it's me. Iron Man is someone that appears when he is needed, and it's temporary and additional, in a way. Nate is – he is everything else. I don't want them to merge. Maybe one day, but not now. I _need _this separation,' Tony explains. He has this strange feeling that despite JARVIS' transmitting his voice via the synthesizer, Thor knows exactly how Tony is feeling.

'Of course. I understand. I only felt obliged to share the knowledge with you, since you are my friend, and I would not keep a secret of such importance from a friend. Remember that if you require any kind of help or assistance, whenever I am in Midgard, you can turn to me and I will try to offer you counsel.'

'I – thanks, Thor. I appreciate this a lot,' Tony says, meaning it so much.

Maybe it's not that bad. Knowing that, within the team, there is someone he will only have to half-hide from and who will have Tony's back if something happens.

'Now, I believe we both have work to do,' Thor adds, a bit more grimly. Tony nods.

Nate has a few things he needs to do for S.H.I.E.L.D., since his charity jobs are on hiatus now; everyone has different problems at the moment.

And Thor is leaving tonight with Loki and the Tesseract, so he has enough on his head already.

'Thanks again, friend,' Tony says, offering Thor a salute and making him smile amicably.

'Until next time, _Iron Man,_' Thor replies and disappears into the building.

* * *

The next day Tony finally talks with Pepper and Rhodey. Happy talks with them and says as much as he thinks they should know before the meeting.

It's more or less this information, just in so many more words: _Tony is okay. I've been with him all this time. He wants to meet you. He is – in disguise, of sorts._

Tony can't make _himself_ call them or even ask JARVIS to do that; every time he _wants_, every time he _tries_, he just can't utter a word because hey, he is a genius and he realizes perfectly well what a terrible thing he's done to his friends and how it all hurt them, and now he will have to hurt them more, so much more, and he can't bring himself to do it.

Happy _makes him_, just like Tony asked. He wouldn't go far without Happy.

They come over to Nate's apartment at noon and Tony is so nervous that he almost throws up the little breakfast he's managed to eat – he is in the middle of radiation, even if it's easy to forget when all he focuses on is work – and Happy considers tying him down to a chair or something because he keeps pacing around the flat for good two hours. His body literally hurts all over from the internal tension, but it doesn't stop him.

This is ridiculous and he knows it, but rationality doesn't help at all.

Between rehearing obsessively what he is going to say, Tony counts the seconds to noon; the clock's numbers are changing inexorably. The time seems to stretch endlessly, but when noon comes it feels as if not even a minute has passed.

Tony feels so terribly self-conscious when Pepper and Rhodey enter the room, all of sudden aware of how different he looks to them: it's been half a year and they expect to see Tony Stark, that is only natural, even though Happy told them what it will be like – he knows that they won't believe until they see him. His skin color is natural today, he left the glasses somewhere and didn't put the contacts in, but it's still such a big difference.

It's been so long that he has actually genuinely forgot – let himself forget and leave behind –what he was like _before_.

'Tony?' Pepper asks unsurely as she and Rhodey get the first glance at Tony.

'Pepper. Rhodey,' he greets them. His voice is almost not trembling.

'Tony, it's – it's you. Really.'

'Yeah,' Tony admits, hanging his head down and waiting for them to scream, to shout, to be angry. Instead, Pepper and Rhodey come up to him slowly and hug him simultaneously so strongly that it leaves Tony breathless.

God, how he's missed them.

'Tony,' Pepper says again, still disbelieving, but at least she is not crying.

'You little fucker,' Rhodey says at the same time, shaking his head. That's perfect Rhodey. 'You _little fucker_, I made so many sacrifices for you, I stood up for you so many times, I gave up so much for you, and all because I believed you deserved it – and you do something like _this_? Do you realize that the only proof we had that you were still alive was that your bots were missing. We knew you wouldn't leave them – of course, we didn't think you'd abandon us either.'

'_Sorry_,' Tony breathes.

It's full minute before Pepper bursts into tears and Tony hates himself so much for making her like this.

'You know,' she says between sobs, when Tony is wrapping his arm around her back and guiding her to the sofa, 'half of the world half the world thinks we're going to find you under the Brooklyn Bride after you drink yourself to death – or maybe in some random place in the Midwest, since I am sure someone is actually checking the Brooklyn Bridge – and the other half has decided that you've run away from all responsibilities and that you're having fun with call-girls somewhere on a private island and I didn't even have time to really think because you were… Gone. You were gone. You left me with everything and you were gone.'

'I'm sorry,' Tony offers weakly, but no amount of apologies can make a difference.

'I thought you were alive, but I didn't have a proof and anything could have happened and I wouldn't know and –'

'JARVIS would have told you if I died,' Tony cuts in trying not to sound too teary. 'He knows all the procedures. But it doesn't matter now,' he adds.

'It doesn't,' Pepper repeats and buries her face in his shoulder. 'You look so different,' she mumbles almost inaudibly. 'You _are_ so different.'

'I have been someone else,' Tony admits, tensing a bit. He really wants it to be over. Or to never happen. Just – be somewhere else than here.

'Tell us about it,' Rhodey orders.

Tony tells them about Nate first because it's the easiest part of the story.

'But that is not – it's not all,' he finishes. 'There is more.'

By now they have both calmed, a tiniest bit but it's something, and Pepper is even wearing a small smile since Tony told them about Riverside. He hates this: giving them answers that they want so much only because they don't know how much it will hurt. But they need to know everything.

'It's been me playing Iron Man since the beginning,' he finally manages to say.

That leaves them speechless, so Tony takes a deep breath, using the occasion, and decides to do this as quickly as possible.

'I've been doing all of this because I need to make some things right and I don't have enough time. I'm – I'm ill. I've got cancer. It's terminal.'

God, _how_ he wants to disappear now. Again. Just so that he wouldn't have to deal with this. He hates himself so fucking much at this point. For disappointing them and ignoring them and letting them believe he was dead – that's so cruel. And now he is really going to be dead and it's even more cruel.

But then, he's always been an egotistical bastard.

'Tony, is this… for real?' Pepper asks finally, breaking the silence that makes their heartbeats and breaths sound like thunder.

'Yes,' he murmurs.

'I can't believe this,' she whispers, shaking her head slightly.

'I know. I am sorry.'

'Sir. Please stop apologizing. I can't listen to you apologizing anymore,' JARIS says, making everyone jump a little and startling them completely. 'You do not have to apologize,' the A.I. adds._ I would hug you if I could_, he doesn't say but Tony hears it anyway.

'Thanks, J, but –'

'No, he's right,' Rhodey interrupts. 'Don't. It's not your fault.'

'Maybe not the reason, but everything else –'

'No, Tony. Don't,' Rhodey states firmly. 'Really, _don't_.'

'How long…' Pepper doesn't finish the question, but she doesn't have to.

'At this point, about two years… A few months more, a few months less, difficult to say. It's still – it's not that soon. I still got some time. And before you ask no, they can't do anything more than they are doing now. I'm – I'm in radiation. It helps, but it doesn't make it stop.'

'Oh God,' Pepper breathes. She's not crying, what probably is not a good sign now. 'You –'

'The nuke,' Rhodey seems to realize at the same time. 'You would have died with the nuke without telling us – that's what JARVIS would have told us, right? All of this? If you died?'

Tony just nods, perfectly aware that he is not able to say anything right now. _Just nod. Everything they are going to ask you will require a yes_, he tells himself silently.

It takes them some time to wrap their heads around what Tony has just told them and for Tony to calm down enough to be able to talk – behave – quasi normally. They don't move an inch through all that time and Tony takes in the closeness with all his senses: it's intoxicating and amazing. It's one of the greatest things in the world.

Eventually, he tells them more about Iron Man and the Avengers and everything about the cancer and his treatment; it takes hours, but no one complains.

'I have to make these months that I have left matter,' Tony tells them finally. 'I was so scared of telling you. That's why Happy called. I thought – I was hoping you would forgive me. For this half a year and for all those lies before. It's been inexpressibly cruel of me, but I – I don't think I regret it. I hope you won't hate me for this.'

There. _He did it._

It's a real weight off Tony's mind. He's been running away for so long and this feels like taking responsibility for his actions, at least some of them. The rest he doesn't care about.

'I will keep acting as Nate and Iron Man,' informs tells them finally; it's never been a question. Tony Stark is missing and will stay missing. 'I hope you can accept this.'

'Of course, I will just… need some time. It's so much. To think it over,' Pepper assures him. That's something he can agree to.

'I will do _every-fucking-thing_ for you, you dumb brat, as long as you'll need me, be it months or years and I would even if that meant following your insane self for a hundred years,' Rhodey tells him, squeezing his arm tightly. Tony smiles at them. They smile back. He really doesn't deserve such incredible friends.

It will be so much easier now, he knows, to make this time the most amazing ever: with Thor and Steve and the rest of the team, with all the Riverside inhabitants, even if they all are unaware. With Happy and Scott and the doctors.

With Pepper and Rhodey.

They have a city to rebuild – and a world to keep safe.

* * *

**A/N:** The whole part was beta-ed by Quaxo.

Last piece of _The city of fear_, so please review! I hope you enjoyed yourself. Let me know what you think. It was my first time ever writing this kind of action/battle and any comments and suggestions are very welcome :)

The next piece,_ Long may you run_, will be mostly about the team and *simple* everyday life. And hiding from people who have too many questions, a lot of that :)


	11. Long may you run part 1

**Long may you run (part 1)**

On Sunday the 3rd, after the talk with Pepper and Rhodey, Tony finally feels relaxed enough to actually look around himself and take in what is really happening among the _normal_ people. Nate doesn't have very close relationships with people around him – not yet, at least – but there is a handful of people he _talks_ with sometimes or who recognize him and smile at his when he enters through the door.

It's nice. A change from before: no one wants to take pictures of Nate and it makes things easy and calm. It's been months and yet it still feels like a novelty some days.

Tony is too restless to just sit in his shop and work – and a bit too tired, being in the middle of radiation now, to spend another twelve hours hunched over his desk. He's been in contact with his S.H.I.E.L.D. team constantly, discussing the Tesseract until he was sick with the men's voices, and he's been working on a the new suit design, tweaking things here and there because the… _intergalactic_ trip gave him a few new ideas that suddenly seem necessary.

He's not panicking, not really. He knows that, logically, an attack like that won't happen anytime soon, but he can't bear the thought of not being at least a bit more prepared than now.

* * *

'There's nothing good for dinner, boss,' Happy tells him after Tony's been staring at the news channel for fifteen minutes, his thought completely elsewhere. Tony knows it's a diversion tactic, aimed at making him relax and stop worrying – pretty impossible – but he doesn't mind. Happy knows him well.

'I'll go and get something,' he says as he gets up. He may just as well play along. 'Anything specific?'

'I'm in the mood for something classic – steak with fries?'

'If you cut the fries,' Tony replies, taking his wallet from the table and grabbing his tablet. There is a pocket inside his jacket where he places it, just the right size.

'Get things for the coleslaw, too,' Happy calls after him before Tony disappears on the stairs.

The trip to Wal-Mart was fun, but it's big and busy and confusing, one of those new experiences that Tony doesn't care about repeating.

The deli though, just down the street, is his favorite, with a big lovely selection of gourmet foods, and Tony loves to shop there. If they don't have something he needs, one of the women who work there is always eager to help him out and tell him what he can use instead; they keep asking what's he making and humming approvingly if they like the idea, and they call his name as soon as he walks through the door.

It's partially because he's – unique, and recognizable, given his _disability_, but mostly because he's always eager to talk back and offer them a smile. It's a matter of making casual friends in all around you that Tony's never been able to try. It didn't work well when the other side knew all the dirty gossip about him.

'Hello, Nate,' Matilda greets him from across the room. He smiles in response.

He used not to remember the names of girls he slept with, and now he remember the name of every nice person he keeps meeting. Who would have guessed.

Two nice steaks and a bag of Russet potatoes land in his basket, as well as a bottle of red wine and everything he needs for the salad. It only takes a few moments, Tony knows his way around the shop perfectly and designs the most efficient route between the shelves in his head as soon as he steps inside.

There are more people in the shop that he's expected, but maybe that shouldn't be a surprise. This part of the city was not directly attacked so everyone is acting pretty naturally: there's no rubble to avoid in the streets here, no damaged buildings, no no-entry zones guarded by the police and S.H.I.E.L.D. making sure the civilians won't have any contact with the Chitauri's bodies or tech.

When he's at the checkout, Matilda smiles at him and asks him how is he doing.

'_Good,_' he types quickly as she scans the bar codes. '_Everything is fine. No one was hurt – and you_?'

'I know a few people who work near those damaged buildings, where those giant… things fell,' she replies, grimacing a bit. 'I heard someone is in hospital, but it's nothing grave, thank God. The police are doing a good job helping people.'

'_They are_,' Tony types, after he's packed the items into a shopping bag, and then hands Matilda his card. '_I hope the cleanup goes quickly_,' he adds when she hands him the card back.

'Me too, me too, it's like – it's like 9/11 all over again, we need to rebuild so much. Make it better.'

He nods in agreement, and smiles at her before leaving; there are people waiting in a line and he doesn't want to keep them waiting.

That's good to hear, that no one was hurt – there were enough stories of missing people all over the news, in the internet, everywhere around the city. Tony feels like he's done good job as Iron Man when someone tells him his family is okay – and the heroes will do something more.

* * *

The next day the team is done with debriefs and S.H.I.E.L.D.. business, so they help with cleaning up the area as much as they can, working together with policemen and soldiers delegated to New York to help the civilians. Iron Man spends hours with his teammates, talking little and lifting heavy things, assuring whoever comes by to watch their heroes that everything is okay. It seems to mean so much to everyone and Tony can't keep a smile off his face underneath the helmet.

There are a lot of kids who ask him who he really is or who is Captain America. Tony tells them in his metallic voice that it's a secret and no one can know because he'd have to kidnap them and make sure they wouldn't tell anyone. The kids laugh at that openly – and that's a good sign.

If they can laugh, everything will be okay.

Around seven everyone finishes work. It's been a week since the attacks and there surely aren't any people trapped underneath the rubble in this area, so there is no much hurry; physical work for such a long time is exhausting for every normal human.

Tony can feel the strain on his body, even though the suit does most of this job, supporting the heavy lifting and helping him with the physical work – being in the middle of radiation doesn't help at all.

He's doing okay, though. Eating his food like a good boy and getting eight hours of sleep per night, with the help of some meds Doc pushed into his hand a few days earlier. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to slow down enough to sleep, he knows, despite being tired; every time Tony closes his eyes his brain is supporting him with a vision of visions of slow death amidst the void and endless unnamed stars.

Tony knows he's freaking out a bit because he will really die in a pretty short time. Compared to what could have been.

And he can't stop wondering if it'll be the same black and the same painful motionless feeling.

Doc's meds help enough to let him sleep without dreaming.

* * *

On Thursday, the second last day of this chemo round, after a full week of working ten hours straight, constantly in movement, Tony suddenly understands that he's been pushing himself too far. The team is just wrapping up half past seven when Tony feels a sudden wave of weakness in his limbs and he has to steady himself wrapping the suit's hand around a nearby street lamp, before JARVIS locks down the joints to make him steady.

'Sir? Are you okay? My sensors indicate elevated heartbeat –'

'I know, J,' Tony rasps out, closing his eyes and focusing on breathing, his body slumped inside the armor. 'Give me some more oxygen here.'

'Done, sir,' the A.I. replies promptly. 'I told you that it's not a good idea for you to work right now, and Mister Hogan said the same –'

'But I insisted, yeah, I know, my fault,' Tony cuts in, breathing deeply; the oxygen flowing inside the suit makes clearing his head easier. The dizziness goes away breath by breath. 'I know what you want to say so save it, baby, I'm finishing tomorrow and I'll be back here, working, on Monday –'

'_If_ Doctor Eisen gives you his permission, sir.'

'I thought the suits were mine and I could use them as I wished –'

'As long as you're not endangering your life. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself, sir,' JARVIS adds a bit more softly. 'You might have overrides for my system, but I don't think you can persuade Mister Hogan in such way, especially not in you physical state.

'Seems like I don't have a choice –'

'Doctor Banner is approaching, sir,' JARVIS interrupts, his voice perfectly blank, but Tony can recognize the A.I.'s contempt anyway, the traitor.

'Iron Man? Are you okay?' Bruce asks with a small frown between his eyebrows. 'I thought I saw you –'

'I'm fine.

'– swaying,' Bruce finished, ignoring Tony's words. 'I know we're not supposed to talk about this because you don't like it, discussing _yourself_, but you've got me worried there. I might not be a real doctor, but I'm good enough to notice something is wrong –'

'I'm just tired,' Tony replies, Iron Man's voice conveying his words flatly. 'I've had a lot on my mind recently, so not enough time to rest properly.'

That's almost like the truth.

'Are you sure? I'm –'

'I'm sure,' Tony cuts in. 'It's nothing more than that.'

'If being tired always ends with swaying – which probably would lead to fainting – like it did now, then I'd be worried at your place. But it's not my thing to say,' Bruce replies, ruffling his hair almost unconsciously, his fingers catching his curls. 'Take tomorrow off. It's not a request, it's an order – I wish Phil could just tell you the same. I know he worries about you constantly and not knowing anything about the real you, inside the suit, makes him even more anxious – but… Anyway, that's an order. You don't want to find out what stressed Hulk can do when he's annoyed. And – I'll tell Steve, he'll be glad. He's been worried about you –'

'Has he?' Tony asks in wonder, because Cap didn't say anything like that to Iron Man.

'It's just that you come in later than we do,' true, Tony arrives after his radiation, around 1000 hrs, while everyone else starts working at 0800 hrs, 'It's not a complaint, mind you,' Bruce adds, 'it's just that we talk and all before we start working. And then you don't go with us anywhere we go to eat, so he can't really get to know you better.'

'… so he doesn't want me to be isolated from you?'

'You could say that,' Bruce admits, offering Tony a weak smile. 'You know how he is. He takes great care of his people.'

'Yeah, I know – I'll take tomorrow off, then. See you on Monday,' Tony adds and flies off, watching Bruce turns around and go in the vague direction of where the rest of the team went a few minutes before without looking up.

Maybe that's good. Nate has quite a few things on his plate, so additional few hours of work are very welcome, especially when he's _not allowed_ to stay up at nights.

* * *

Friday does pass calmly; Tony feels only a bit guilty for not being out there helping all those amazing people with their work. Instead, he spends most of the day sitting in front of a computer in his workshop at the apartment, curled up in a soft armchair that he didn't know he had.

Well, he didn't have it a few days ago, so it was either Happy of Pepper. It's a really nice thought though, so he's not going to complain.

In the evening, after babysitting him for most of the day and conspiring with Scott – who is supposed to visit at the beginning of July – Happy leaves for a meeting with someone. He tells Tony all the details, but Tony is too occupied with his work on to remember them. That's what JARVIS is for.

Happy makes sure that Tony is done working for the day before he leaves. It's funny and Tony knows the man is joking a bit, but underneath that attitude there's genuine worry.

'I will make sure sir doesn't work anymore,' JARVIS assures Happy before the man leaves. Tony groans and makes a face, but it's more of a routine game than real annoyance.

He takes a long shower, puts on some fresh clothes and stops in the middle of the room, wondering what to do now.

Friday evening, 1900 hrs. Tony Stark would know _exactly _what to do – but it doesn't take Nate that long to decide, either.

There's this one place – Tony can't put any label on it, it's not a bar, not a restaurant, not a café – where he's starts going now and then after he's moved to Nate's apartment. Just a few blocks away. And the food is amazing.

So he ends up spending four hours over appetizers and soda water, since he doesn't feel like eating anything more, and _talking_ with the people there. It's… nice. It's fun.

All of the staff know Nate by now, and most the guests – there are many regulars – so as soon as he walks in he's greeted by a cascade of voices.

'Good to see you on your feet,' Lawrence says, pouring him a glass of cold soda water. 'You haven't been in for three weeks. We were getting worries, especially with what's happened.'

'_I was out of town_,' Tony types, taking a sip of the cold drink. '_Everyone all right. You?_'

'We're fine, too,' the man assures him, gesturing at the menu for today and giving Tony a meaningful glance. 'The staff is okay. We were lucky not to be in the area where most of the damage happened – by the way, that was totally amazing, no? _Superheroes _in New York? Have you seen that Captain America guy? He looks just like the genuine one.'

'_Yeah, I've seen it – crazy. Crazy but cool ;) & just a plate of appetizers today_.'

'Not hungry again, huh?' Lawrence comments, looking at the tablet's screen. 'Right away.'

Tony nods at him and nurses his drink, observing the crowd inside. Almost all of them are young people, some couples, a few kids playing in an area in the back, a few reading books from the library corner. That's one of the reasons Tony loves the place for – the selection of books you can read while eating is fantastic. If he had more time to spare, he'd certainly come over more often, if only to hang around.

'Do you have your favorite?' he hears a voice saying over his head a few minutes later.

'_Fav ?_' he types, smiling thankfully at the sight of his food.

It's funny, how smiles are the primary means of communication pretty often these days.

'Superhero.'

Tony takes a moment to reply, because he honestly hasn't thought about that: how do you judge your own friends, your teammates? He doesn't know them enough to have fixed opinions and he knows them well enough to distinguish people from their masks at the same time.

Well, besides Spider Man. That childish and crazy guy is still a mystery, but Tony knows he likes him.

'_Captain_,' he types finally, nodding to himself. It's be awkward to say Iron Man; Tony is damn proud of the persona, but he doesn't want to discuss himself in third person more than necessary. '_You_?'

'You know I like big things and going wild, so I'd say Hulk. He's strong, he's dangerous, he's indestructible, too, it seems – it's really cool,' Lawrence adds solemnly and leaves Tony with the food to serve his other clients.

Tony can't wait to tell Bruce he's met a real Hulk fan.

* * *

Saturday is another occasion for Tony to play Nate: it's a Riverside day. Last week he didn't go there, given all the madness accompanying the attack; everything has calmed down a bit since then, so there is nothing to stop Tony.

It's refreshing to see that for the children hardly anything has changed because of the attack. The older ones understand the significance of what happened, but as it didn't touch them personally, it's easy to be immersed in simple everyday life. Riverside is pretty far away from the area of Manhattan that's been most damaged. The city seems to look perfectly normal around.

And the younger kids, Tony has learned so far – because he was an unusual child and had a strange childhood – don't understand things like that, not really; what distresses them is the reactions of other people around. Tony was here for ten minutes only last Saturday, checking up on everyone, but it was enough to see that the caretakers were doing their job really professionally.

Most of the afternoon is playing board games and building things out of Legos. It's as pleasant for the kids as it is for Nate; he's had little time for creative work recently, focusing on what was needed, not what he had in mind, and building a Lego submarine is almost like doing a tricky experiment in the depths of his workshop, with only Dummy and his fire extinguisher and JARVIS to supervise.

Annik tells him about the young people who come to help out as volunteers, trying to fill the all the free time with interesting activities. There are no money to send all the kids on camps; Tony makes a swear to himself that the next year – hopefully much calmer – he'll help them out financially with that, too. If he will still be around. And if not, he'll make sure someone does that for him.

After he says goodbye to everyone and steps out of the building, he finds one of the older boys, Marcel, sitting on the stairs, clearly waiting for him.

'Hey, Nate,' he says, addressing to Tony the way Tony wanted, even the youngest kids call him by his name only, without _mister_ or _sir_. 'You're a computer specialist, right? IT and stuff?'

Tony sits down next to the boy, nodding, and then takes out his tablet, waiting for another question.

'I was wondering if you could help me out a bit,' Marcel says after a brief pause.

'_You're going to high school now, right?'_

'Yes. I want to – I want to go to MIT. It's the best school around and I want to do things – if something happens. I want to be able to protect people. But I'll only get a scholarship if I have the best grades.'

'_Why not just go somewhere else?_'

'Why go somewhere that's not the best?' Marcel replies, making Tony grin. That's the spirit.

'_Tell me what you can do & what you want to do & what to help you with next Sat :)_'

'Okay,' Marcel replies with a smile, relaxing finally. Of course everything depends on how good Marcel is, Tony doesn't know that yet, but if he deserves it, Tony will make sure the boy makes use of his talents. The world could always use more people to keep it safe.

* * *

On Sunday, to make a perfect finish for the week, the Avengers are having an overdue training session; last week's one was cancelled to give everyone time to breathe and heal a bit, but they do need to work to keep the good performance up. Half of their success with the Chitauri was practice. The other half was talent mixed with obvious insanity, but that's not exactly _trainable_.

The sparring is less intense than they are used too – still too many bruises and pulled muscles in the 100% human part of the team – and the dynamics is different since Thor is not present, but everything goes as smoothly as one could hope. Tony is testing the newest suit, with upgraded repulsors. So far they're a great success, no performance issues notes, efficiency on the level of the previous design, while they hardly make any noise or emit light,

It's going to be the summer of flying, Tony knows. Finally no one will notice the suit while it's in stealth mode.

Spider Man disappears as soon as the training is over, before Tony can ask him if everything is all right; the man doesn't seem stressed, but he's been joking around much less lately and, in his case, that might mean something.

'I talked to him, he's okay,' Bruce tells Tony when he notices Tony following the man with his sight. Helmet, whatever. 'Said someone he knows lives in the area and he's helping them out with cleaning the place up.'

'Thank you,' Iron Man says, inclining his head a little. Brice waves at him and walks away, but before Tony can move towards the roof, Captain comes in sight.

Or Steve, since he's not in the uniform.

'Are you doing anything now?' Steve asks and Tony takes a moment to look at the schedule JARVIS is displaying for him on the helmet's HUD.

There isn't anything _that _important; no meeting for Nate, no appointments. There's some work Nate is supposed to do for his independent projects, but it can wait, and Steve looks like he needs someone to take his hand and lead him. Somewhere.

'No, I'm free,' Iron Man's metallic voice says. Steve's face lightens up with a smile; he probably isn't aware of that, but it makes Tony smile behind the faceplate. Cap, despite all his was experiences, is so pure and genuine. 'Do you want to do something?'

'I don't know – I… It's tense at HQ,' Steve admits, looking somehow self-conscious. 'Phil's still in a bad shape, despite healing slowly, Clint and Natasha are always with him or worrying, not sleeping nights… And Bruce is always in his lab. Which is good, but I thought – I wanted to talk to someone.'

'Sure thing – anything in particular?'

'No, not really, just talk,' Steve replies with a sight, running a hand through his hair in a gesture similar to the one Tony still makes sometimes, out of habit. 'Sorry if it's bad time –'

'How about we go get a burger?'

'You want to –' Steve starts, sounding pretty shocked, and Tony laughs, his voice transmitted into a soft artificial sound that can't be heard often.

'No, I'm good, I won't eat – sorry to give you a false impression. But we've been training for three hours and I knows you well enough to be aware that you're famished.'

'I guess I am,' Steve replies with a shy smile, and starts heading towards the door. Another great thing about Tony's new suit: it's much quieter when it moves. There's still a metallic rustle, but it's soft and pleasant, at least to Tony. 'You know a place?'

'Indeed. Nearby,' Tony says and leads to the tiny joint just two blocks away. People do follow Iron Man and a handsome blond man with their eyes and camera phones; Steve seems very conscious about that and pretty stressed out, but he relaxes when Tony laughs again and reminds him that none of these people know that he is Captain America – just a handsome tall man eating a burger.

'It's still difficult for me to remember that none of these people know me, just like I do not know them,' Steve offers a few minutes later, when they're sitting on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s HQ roof; it's much calmer up there, and much quieter. The air feels almost light and fresh, compared to down in the streets, even coming through the armor's filters.

'No surprise, you've been such a big public figure for quite some time before –'

'Before my plane went down,' Cap finishes and puts the last piece of the first burger into his mouth. Tony grins at the man's appetite; it's nice to see how messy he eats, too, like a young man he really is, spilling the ketchup all over his hands and the concrete floor, wiping his face with a rough paper napkin.

'How are you holding up with the aliens becoming real?' Iron Man asks when Cap is half through his second burger. It might sound insensitive, to ask about such matter, but Steve didn't' have to verbalize anything for Tony to know what's eating him.

'Red Skull was pretty much an alien, at the end,' Steve offers, squinting in the sun, then turns around to let the sunshine smother his back instead. His face must be reflected strangely in Tony's helmet's shiny surface. 'But I do hate magic. _So_ much. The Tesseract… they should have left it in the ice. Really. None of this would have happened.'

'It would have happened eventually,' Tony points out, knowing exactly where wishful thinking leads. 'It would. And maybe something worse would have happened – think about it that way. We did great. There were causalities, that's true and very unfortunate, but there weren't as many as you'd expect from all the destruction,' he vaguely waves his hand at the New York buildings around them. 'You did amazing as our commander.'

'I did little,' Steve argues, finishing the second burger and trying to wipe his hands clean from the mustard and ketchup. 'I wouldn't have –'

'I could play this game all night, Steve, but I'd get bored, you don't want to see me bored. Acknowledge that you did great. Learn to accept compliments. Those didn't disappear back in 60s, they are just much less obvious these days. Most of the time.'

There is a moment of thick silence. Tony waits.

'… you are a great friend, Iron Man,' Steve states finally, watching Tony intently. 'Sorry for sounding like Thor, but you really are – I wish I knew the person that's inside. I know – I know that's something you want to keep separate,' Steve adds before Tony can say a word, 'but you must be someone great.'

'Thank you,' it's Tony's turns to say the two magical words. 'Hug?'

Steve's hear jerks up and he blinks, as if he couldn't understand what he's hearing. It's cute, but it's also sad because Tony knows Steve used to have amazing friends in his commandos, other than Bucky; they were like brothers. There is nothing shameful between brothers, not even wanting a hug.

Iron Man walks up to Steve, who is sitting cross-legged on the roof, kneels behind the blond man and wraps his metal-encased arms around Captain's firm muscle figure. It's about as awkward as the first time, Tony still has hard time guessing if he's putting too much strength into the hug or not, but he figures it's all right if Steve doesn't complain.

* * *

Back at home, Tony spends the rest of the evening working and watching a movie with Happy, dividing his attention in a perfectly balanced way. It's quickly destroyed when JARVIS says that someone is calling the number Iron Man left for S.H.I.E.L.D. to contact him.

'Patch it through, J,' Tony tells the A.I., saving the project he's working on and swallowing the string cheese he's been munching on.

'Evening, Iron Man,' he hears Clint's slightly distorted voice over the line.

'Evening, Clint – what can I do for you?'

'Phil's cleared for visitors. Well, the ones that aren't me or Tasha or Fury, So I was wondering if you'd like to come sometime, he'd like that –'

'Of course,' Tony says eagerly. JARVIS is modulating his voice the way it sounds like Iron Man's, even when he's not wearing the helmet, so the emotions are lost on Clint. 'When?'

'Anytime?'

'What about tomorrow?'

'Tomorrow?' Clint sounds surprised and pleased. 'Yeah, that'd work. Around noon?'

'No problem. Where can I –'

'I'll send you an email with the hospital details, Fury cleared it, you can land on the roof and then I'll walk you downstairs. Sounds all right?'

'Yes, perfect.'

'Thanks –'

'And Clint?' Tony cuts in before Clint can hang up.

'Yes?'

'I'm glad you're both doing better.'

There is a moment of pause before Clint speaks up again.

'That we are,' he admits. Tony smiles at the ceiling. 'See you,' Clint adds and then the connection's gone.

Tony wonders briefly about the hospital Clint sent him the address, it's a military one. Makes sense. It's a bit surprising that they'd let in someone wearing a metal suit, not really sterile – but when it's about a world-wide hero it's probably easier to pull strings.

* * *

At noon sharp Tony is at the hospital. He enjoyed a late wake-up, after the two-week course of getting up at 0600 hrs to get to the hospital on time.

It seems that this Monday has been declared a work-free day for the team: Steve is just leaving when Clint and Iron Man approach Phil's room, Natasha is sitting on the corridor, wearing a set of comfy clothes and drinking coffee from a Starbucks cup – surely it was Cap to think of those little things. Bruce, Tony guesses, is in his lab as always.

'He says he'll come over when he stops feeling so, you know, emotional about the whole thing. Or angry more than emotional. It wouldn't end well, in here.'

'Sure it wouldn't,' Tony agrees, waving at Steve. 'What are you up to today?' he asks Cap; they don't have a fixed date for a meeting, it's two friends' talk and not a business appointment, but Tony would like to know Steve won't be left all alone again.

'I'm at S.H.I.E.L.D. talking to the guys who supervise that house we're going to use for Avengers HQ. We need to discuss a few things and hopefully they'll let me in and give me the keys, so that we could start the renovation works.'

'Glad to hear that,' Iron Man says, putting a hand on Steve's shoulder and squeezing him reassuringly. 'I'll see you.'

'Soon, I hope,' Steve replies, smiling, and then goes to catch an elevator downstairs, like all normal people do.

'Thanks for being a good friend for Captain,' Clint says before opening the door. 'I know we've been shitty recently, but with this – I just can't focus on anything but helping Phil get better. I hope you understand.'

'I do, and Steve certainly does, too,' Tony assures Clint. He doesn't elaborate and Clint doesn't ask any questions, just opens the door, letting Tony in. He seems happy and exhausted at the very same time.

'Phil,' Iron Man greets the man who's half-lying on the only bed in the middle of the room, propped up on a small mountain of pillows. He looks ghostly pale and tired, with dark bags under his eyes and chapped lips, but that's only to be expected after what he's been through. A heart and lung surgery – will heal nicely, but will take time, too. And with an injury like that the risk of something unexpected happening, especially with magical artifacts involved, was pretty big.

'Iron Man. Good to see you.'

No one asks Tony to sit down, they know by now that he's very comfortable standing while he's in the suit. Clint gets across the room in three graceful leaps though and seats himself in the end of Phil's bed, next to the man's legs.

'I was very happy that I didn't have to produce an artificial heart for you. You know they'd have asked me, given that it's have to be a neat piece of engineering ASAP,' Tony says lightly, JARVIS conveys that in the voice he synthesizes.

Tony _loves_ when the A.I. does amazing things like that, reading in Tony's mind.

'I have an utmost trust in your work, but I must say I prefer being stitched up everywhere inside and that's all. Enough for me.'

'Right.'

'I heard you saved Manhattan,' Phil adds quickly, looking _proud_ of Tony, of all things. As if he were – a father figure. Of sorts. In a different way than Scott or Doc are sometimes.

It gives Tony a warm feeling in his gut. Howard – he'd never genuinely praise his son. Tony Stark learned not to expect people to notice when he does something that might be considered _nice_. Unless it's helping orphans or something like that, very big and very public.

This, being part of the team, part of this little world, it is – different.

'Well, you could say so,' Iron Man agrees, nodding delicately.

'When I heard about that, I really wanted to punch you for that but – well. It turned out well in the end. So thank you.'

'Someone else would have done it, if it wasn't me,' Tony adds solemnly and decides to stir the conversation away from dead bodies of people and aliens, because it's giving him nightmares at night and he doesn't need the visions by day.

'Do you know anything about when you'll be released?'

'In three weeks, if everything goes perfect, but four to five is more likely.'

'And then –'

'Then a few good months of PT and office jobs – and we'll see later. The doctors like the you'll never do this or that speech, but they are proven wrong _so_ often. I'd like to prove them wrong.'

'If you don't, I can't imagine who would,' Tony offers, nodding to himself. He knows a thing or two about doctors now, and about miracles. He can't expect one, but it's okay. It's okay.

Phil will prove them wrong and that will be enough –

'– Man?'

'Sorry,' Tony says apologetically, but that doesn't convey well through Iron Man's voice protocols. 'What were you saying?'

'I was asking you how _you_ were healing up, you brave fool,' Phil says, his voice warm. Tony's always noticed that Phil seems to have a soft spot for him – for Iron Man – and it's _nice. _ And very _very_ strange.

'I'm perfect,' Tony says before he can think and both Phil and Clint's faces show the same disbelieving grin. Oh yes. Taking a day off on Friday wasn't such a good idea if he was going to pretend everything is perfectly fine.

They don't ask though, respecting his wish of privacy, and Tony is very thankful for that.

Tony leaves over an hour later, after a heated discussion about how the local authorities should act now, in response to a threat that's unbelievable but perfectly real. Each of them has slightly different ideas, but they do reach a compromise over a coffee – and tea, in Phil's case – that Clint brings over from the cafeteria.

* * *

The rest of the week is relatively slow. The Avengers still help out with the clean-up, Clint and Natasha finally acting more relaxed, not trying to work themselves to death. Tony feels much better now, after a few days' rest after the radiation, so the situation with dizziness doesn't happen again.

Nate keeps visiting his usual places, _talking_ to people and smiling more with each person that tells him that everyone is fine; he visits the local library and his new favorite bookshop, another few shops and even, on Wednesday evening, he spends a nice few hours with an old lady from the floor below who keeps insisting that he looks sickly and pale – true, most people just assume that it's natural for Nate – and asks him if everything is all right about five time a day.

So Tony buys a bottle of port wine and a cake from the nearby bakery and pays the Mrs. Linz a visit. Most of those two hours is drinking wine and showing her how the tablet works; after two hours she asks him to buy her one and puts a roll of dollars into his hand. Tony swears to do it the next morning.

'I'll be checking up on you without having to wait by the door until you come by; you have a very distinctive footsteps, my boy,' she answers to Tony's question as for why she suddenly wants something that modern, and confirming his suspicions about _how _she knows things exactly. 'And you say that I can watch all the good old TV series there, right? That sounds marvelous,' she adds, her voice high and cheeks painted in pink.

Tony has never had a possibility of spending time with old people, not really, unless he'd call his father old, and it turns out, they have the most fascinating stories to tell – Mrs. Linz could probably talk for hours and hours, if someone listened, and Tony likes that easy communication.

* * *

On Friday afternoon Steve disappears from the cleaning site for an hour and comes back grinning. Everyone knows he wouldn't do that for no important reason, so they all await whatever news he might have eagerly.

It's good to see him smiling like that, Tony decides.

'I've got everything cleared for our new HQ,' Cap states, waving a set of keys – how old-fashioned – in front of Iron Man's helmet. 'Everything S.H.I.E.L.D. needed was taken away and we have a free access to the space. They will cover all costs, unless it's _something completely crazy_, citing Agent Hill. I – I want to go there tomorrow. Anyone with me?'

'I'm sorry,' Tony says, shaking his head.

'Won't do,' Spider Man states at the same time.

'You go, Clint – I'll stay with Phil –'

'You know more about interior decorating, Nat –' Clint starts with a small smile, but she cuts him off.

'If you're trying to imply what I'm hearing –'

'I mean secret places for weapons, at least one in reach in three seconds, everywhere you are in the house. You did that in all of our quarters – don't look at me like that. The team will know anyway.'

'You need a break from the hospital,' Natasha points out, silently assessing Clint's tired face. He's much better than he was before, but he refuses to go home to sleep. Staying in the hospital for two weeks hasn't given him a chance to relax properly.

'How about you both go and I stay with Phil? I haven't seen him enough, there's been all the work in the lab –'

'Thanks, Bruce,' Clint grins, giving Natasha a look as if he won a game that was never on. That's what they do, Tony has learned. They make everything into a game and that way they have endless reasons to celebrate.

'Just don't forget you need enough good roof access for both me and Thor,' Tony reminds them, patting Steve's back. Cap grins widely.

'Sure I won't. But I really want to use all of the resources we can get, since S.H.I.E.L.D. is offering – so, everyone, please think what you'd like the training rooms to be like, or any common areas for that matter. I'd like to see what kinds of toys does twenty-first century have.'

Tony wants to say _that's my boy _or _you just want to see Fury's face when he sees the bill_ but he doesn't speak up; it's not an Iron Man thing to say. At all.

* * *

When they part Tony gets to his workshop to leave the suit there for minor upgrades and then gets home by metro. Pepper is waiting for him in the kitchen when he leaves the shower.

'Hi Pep,' he greets her, putting on a t-shirt and ignoring her eyes fixed on his thin body, so different from how she last saw him. 'Didn't know you were coming –'

'Am I supposed to make appointments now, Mister Stark?'

'I'd have had something nice to eat, I think there are only some leftovers from yesterday, the grocery day is tomorrow – on Monday everyone needs to buys food after the weekend gluttony or something like that –'

'Amazing Tony Stark buying cold meats in a local store?' Pepper asks with a grin. Tony walks up to the fridge and looks inside: there isn't a lot more than eggs, juice and leftovers from yesterday. The other things don't work well before noon, at least: Happy really loves beer and Tony always keeps a bottle of good chilled vodka in case Doc came by.

Surprisingly, it feels natural not to drink alcohol – Tony does have a glass of wine now and then, but it's nothing compared to what he used to drink before.

Maybe it was easy to stop because there wasn't really any other option.

'How about we go out – okay,' Pepper stops, understanding Tony's stare. 'I get it. That would be too suspicious if _you_ and _me_ –'

'I don't want to, you know, give anyone any possibility of making a connection, I know it's probably a bit paranoid, but well, I made this big spectacle and I wouldn't want any doubt to be present.'

'Got it, Tony – why are you smiling?'

'Hardly anyone calls me that now,' Tony explains, pouring himself some juice. Pepper shakes her head for now before he can offer some to her. 'Happy calls me _boss_ although I'm not really his boss anymore, not technically, JARVIS calls me _sir_, Doc calls me _kid_, you know he does, and everyone else – yeah. They use the other two names. But I'm used to it.'

'It sounds crazy, from the outside.'

'It feels crazy, but much less than it used to,' Tony admits. 'I've had almost half a year of the game, so it's becoming pretty natural.'

'That's good. I think.'

'It is,' he assures her, drinking the lasts of the juice and walking up to Pepper to give her a kiss on the forehead. 'You can't imagine how glad I am to have you and Rhodey back. I was such an ass, not telling you –'

'We've been over this,' Pepper cuts in firmly. 'Right?'

'Right. Okay,' Tony chuckles lightly. 'No more guilt talk, JARVIS, you hear me? I'll be a nice guiltless person. There. What are you in the mood for?'

'Huh?'

'Food. Let's order something, since we can't go out –'

'How about pizza?'

'You don't like pizza.'

'I don't like pizza when it's the only food in the house for weeks. I love good pepperoni – don't you laugh, Stark,' she adds threateningly, but it's laced with amusement. Tony rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling.

'You hear the lady, J, get us what we need. And blueberry soda – did you know something like blueberry soda existed?' Tony asks, watching Pepper rolling her eyes. It's so easy to fall back into a familiar pattern of being around each other. They spent over ten years working together, before Tony _disappeared_, and it's natural like breathing.

Tony knows that Rhodey was called away for a few weeks to train young soldiers, some kind of special initiative as a response to the attack, so he can't exactly come over. That one-to-one has to wait.

'So, was there any special reason of you coming here, or was it just a social call?'

'I want you to tell me everything I need to know about –' Pepper stops there, bites her lip and takes a breath. 'About what's going to happen. What I should be prepared for. I know this is hard, I did some reading, but that's only general and each case is different, right? I didn't want to talk to Doctor Eisen behind your back –'

'Pep, you can do anything you want, _anything_, and I would never be mad at you.'

She smiles. It's weak and almost sad, but it's Pepper's smile. Tony has missed it so much.

Then she walks up to him and hugs him tightly.

'Please, tell me.'

Tony talks.

* * *

**A/N: **It's been a long time, sorry for the delay. I've had a couple of crazy weeks and I couldn't focus enough to write this piece. Thanks for everyone who supported me, especially for all the amazing reviews you left me. That was my only motivation to write at some point, so really, thank you.

This part should have 4 parts, so suit up :)

I hope you enjoyed this piece. I'd love to hear your opinions, as always!

(Also, I'm looking for a beta for this, so if any of you is feeling up to it, send me a message or contact via tumblr, the address is in my profile^^)


	12. Long may you run part 2

**Long may you run (part 2)**

Emotions are exhausting, Tony decides at the end of the long conversation. Telling someone _those_ _things_ is more difficult than dealing with them yourself, he discovers. Trying to imagine an opposite situation – with Pepper telling him she has no more than two years to live – makes Tony understand why she's tearing up so much.

It feels so terribly cruel, but this time there's nothing Tony could do to make the situation easier. It's difficult not to feel guilty. It's easier not to act guilty. Tony's been perfecting his acting for months.

* * *

On Saturday Nate goes to Riverside. When he steps into the building, there is a crowd of kids waiting for him, as if he was some kind of a superstar – in a way completely different than Tony Stark.

It's summer holiday already, but the kids, contrary to must children, aren't that happy and they seem eager to attend summer classes that their school offer.

'We simply aren't able to provide them with a lot of diverse activities and fun,' Miles explains, leading Tony and the kids to the backyard. The weather is lovely, warm but with scattered clouds making the sunshine soft; not spending time outside would be a waste. 'They have the possibility of spending time with people other than our mini-community here, too. It's important. Those kids tend to stick to themselves a lot.'

Tony nods and follows the group outside. He can understand that very well.

They spend the rest of the afternoon playing outside. Tony learns that making a giant painting with the use of feet and hands is a game that appeals to everyone, from the youngest to the oldest, and cleaning in an inflatable swimming pool is even more fun.

It feels new. When Tony was fourteen, he was already attending MIT and it never even crossed his mind to paint things with his feet – and now, when he's over forty posing as almost forty, he finds out he's been missing out a lot.

The game ends when time for dinner comes. Annik invites Nate to stay and he agrees, mostly because he still needs to talk to Marcel about the boy's request from last week.

Tony didn't realize it was so late: it's hard _not_ to count hours obsessively when you have constant deadlines but for once Tony managed to forget about everything. It's a great feeling.

There's chicken and a salad for dinner, simple but very tasty, and ice cream for dessert. Afterwards all the kids disappear into their rooms or their hiding places in the backyard and Nate is left alone with Marcel. Tony cleared the_ lesson_ with Miles, who confirmed that the boy indeed has really good grades in sciences.

'_How bout u show me what u do school_,' Tony types and Marcel immediately smiles at the symbols. Older people get annoyed when Tony writes this way, but hey, it's efficient.

'Here's my notebook. And my textbook,' the boy slides them across the table and sits cross-legged on his chair.

The school stuff is, well, dull. Tony has always though so, even back when he was at school himself, and most of the time the lessons are boring and theoretical.

'Look at the other end,' Marcel prompts, tapping his fingers on the table. 'It's from the Physics club.'

Tony does look and it's a big change at the first glance; not only is the material more advanced, but there are notes from experiments and a lot of observations written down in Marcel's neat handwriting, data for homework and assignments, it seems.

'_That all u have 2 show 2 me_?' Tony types and looks at the boy challengingly. Marcel smirks and gets another notebook, bigger and thicker, out of a bag that's on the floor at his feet. '_This is?_'

'Some things I've been teaching myself.'

Tony takes the notebook and flips page after page, looking through the equations and the notes, the subjects Marcel's been studying and the results of his work, and after a few minutes of silence he leaves the notebook open on one of the pages, tracing the rough paper with his fingers. The things inside are advanced, but Tony can tell Marcel is waiting for more challenges.

'_So u like Physics_.'

'Yeah –'

'_& u asked me for help._'

'You seemed like someone who can do more than type codes?' Marcel half-says, half-asks. He's a weird mixture of cocky and self-conscious and he _is_ clever. Tony likes him even more now. 'I don't know who else I can ask… We don't have money for special summer classes. And with scholarships, you know how it is,' he adds, suddenly taking interest in his hands.

Tony doesn't know how it is with scholarships, he's never received one; there were many options, but he really didn't need the money and he preferred someone else who needed it to have it. Howard approved, it was good for the press.

Nate never got a single one.

'_How about I quiz u_?'

'Yeah, okay,' Marcel agrees and leans over the table. 'Come on.'

Tony laughs soundlessly – it's something that Nate has been doing recently and it's more expressive than Tony Stark ever was.

It takes half an hour and Marcel does really good; it's so coincidental that it's funny, finding such a jewel by accident. The boy, if taught by smart and observant people, could be amazing.

'_U want to study -?_'

'I like lots of things, but – but I think Physics _is_ my favorite.'

'_Ok,_' Tony types and then he has this brilliant idea. '_U know, sb will teach u, I make sure. Need 2 do sth first. Tell u for sure nxt week, k?'_

_'_Yeah, sure,' Marcel agrees, suddenly not meeting Tony's eyes, and Tony gets it. He knocks at the table and makes a loud sound to draw the boys attention.

'_I make sure u have sb 2 to take care of you, right? I WILL._ _not leaving u now_,' Tony types quickly. The tablet's surface feels sticky under Tony's fingers. Marcel reads the words three or four times, looks at Tony, and grins.

'Thanks,' the boy says.

* * *

Tony goes back to his workshop instead of going home; Happy is out for the day and Doc is out for the week, so Tony is finally free to do some more work without his babysitters leaning over his shoulder.

'Get me a pizza delivered here, J, in two hours. Remind me a few minutes before. And give me some tunes –'

'I'm afraid you have a phone call, sir – Iron Man has. It's Captain Rogers.'

'Right now?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Well, skip the tunes and patch him through,' Tony says, getting himself a bottle of cold orange juice from the mini-fridge.

'This place is really good,' Steve's excited voice fills the room. Tony smirks around his cup. 'We got a close look at every corner and this is _really_ good, we'll have enough space for everything I wanted and some more, and it'll need less renovating that I was afraid it would.'

'Task-focused, I see,' Tony comments drily, though it's lost in Iron Man's voice.

'It's good to have something to focus on,' Steve replies sheepishly; Tony can imagine the exact face the man must be making right now.

'You alone there?'

'Nat and Clint left… maybe an hour ago?'

'Then why are you staying?' Tony asks, throwing the empty juice bottle into a bin with perfect aim and slumping in his armchair. There is a moment of silence and when Steve speaks up, he sounds slightly embarrassed. It's cute.

'Thought I could, you know, check the place out in practice.'

Tony raises his eyebrows, gesturing at JARVIS to put up his latest saved files on the screen.

'You're sleeping there?'

'Yeah –'

'Don't want to be in your S.H.I.E.L.D. room more than necessary?'

'You got me,' Steve laughs drily. 'The atmosphere there is still pretty morbid, though it's nice to see Natasha and Clint behaving more normally finally, and they'll be calmer since Phil's gonna be okay…'

For a moment, Tony thinks about proposing to come over because Steve staying all alone in the huge dusty house sound pretty damn miserable – but Tony is _really_ behind with his work because of all the hours he's been spending out in the streets and with S.H.I.E.L.D. There are a few things that just can't wait.

'You've got the sense of adventure,' he says in the end, smirking to himself and biting his tongue before he can add _were you a Boy Scout back in 40s_? Still not an Iron Man thing to say.

'I've been cooped up in the HQ room for much too long. Even back in my days, we'd go out and walk the city streets at night every few days.'

_And get beat up, at least you_, Tony thinks, but says nothing.

He's got an idea.

'Well, I just wanted to let you know everything went fine here with me and the others. I knew you were worrying about them.'

'Thank you for the call.'

'Bye, Iron Man,' Steve says and hangs up.

Tony looks up at the ceiling.

'Send an extra-large sausage, cheese-stuffed crust, to where Steve's saying. Pre-pay.'

'As you wish, sir,' JARVIS replies promptly and turns on Tony's music. There is a schematic for an arc reactor on the screen, and a few other less important projects, and a half-finished code for one of Nate's jobs that Tony decides to start with.

* * *

During the week the Avengers still help out with clean-up, but the hours are shorter. Tony gets home after lunch and goes to the workshop to do the overdue work, continuing his daily routine, and everything seems perfectly boring – right until Nate gets a message from Fury.

'They're asking me if I would like to work with their specialists on creating a security system for the new Avengers Headquarters,' he explains to Happy before dinner. Happy doesn't seem to notice what the problem is.

'So?'

'_So_, Nate was never supposed to be out in the world that much, maybe?' Tony answers with a question, slightly irritated. Okay. More like nervous.

'You're worried you won't be able to keep the act up?'

'Not at all,' he scoffs, sitting by the table and helping himself with the food. 'Sit down, Happy. Don't loom over me – well, don't you think it could be a problem that Nate would have to come to the HQ pretty often and plan everything with the team, which means Iron Man really should be there? And he won't? If it happens too many times, someone's gonna notice something is off about the situation. Really. Don't you have any imagination?'

'I have plenty imagination,' Happy grumbles, glaring at Tony. 'Why would you need to discuss it with the team?'

'I don't think they'll agree to anything less, come on, I'm on it and –'

'It's their safety it's about, I know, boss, I do know a thing or two about security,' Happy cuts in with a small grin, glancing around the kitchen subtly. Tony knows he's mentally assessing all the safety precautions installed in the flat and upgraded before Nate Rives moved in. Work of art. 'Can't you send J in the suit?'

'JARVIS, all by himself?' Tony wonders, staring into the A.I.'s nearest camera. It does sound like a good idea and it could work since JARVIS is fully sentient, but Tony knows something Happy – or anyone else for that matter – doesn't know. 'He wouldn't want to,' Tony states.

JARVIS stays silent, but Tony knows perfectly that the A.I. is somehow relieved.

'He wouldn't want to,' Tony repeats; Happy doesn't question that statement, he knows better than that. JARVIS _is_ fully sentient and all the jazz, but Tony knows that he'd be very uncomfortable given that much freedom, JARVIS is always worried about the level of independence Tony gives him. They've had that discussion countless times, but JARVIS insists he should be under Tony's orders and protocols, especially around other people. And being in the same room without the ability to communicate freely would make that impossible.

'You'll think of something, boss – you could always claim Nate is anti-social. He almost is, you know.'

'Don't you start with that again,' Tony says in a warning tone. Happy rolls his eyes. 'No, really – you don't get to call me a recluse now that I have Pepper and Rhodey. I ever visited Mrs. Linz last week and you know it. I'm fine with how things are. I'm not talking about that again.'

'You just were –'

'Oh, shut up,' Tony sighs, wrapping his spaghetti around the fork skillfully. 'I still need to contact Bruce – _Nate_ does.'

'Yeah, good luck with that,' Happy says. Tony glares. That just has to work out somehow.

* * *

Nate does send Bruce a message, asking if the man would have a moment on Thursday afternoon to meet for a coffee. Bruce doesn't write back until midday, but in the end he says yes. Nate comes to the man's lab at four; Bruce is not helping out in the streets anymore. He did some work at the beginning, but without the Hulk he doesn't possess any extra strength so he's more needed in the labs.

'_Thanks for agreeing_,' Nate types for Bruce as he enters the lab.

'I must say I am curious as to why you wanted a meeting,' Bruce admits, finishes typing something on his laptop and closes it. 'You asked if I had time on Saturday?'

'_I know you don't like going out to people too much, but I've got this favor to ask._'

'A favor?' Bruce cocks his head and frowns slightly. He's intrigued. Good.

'_I know someone who could use your help,_' Tony types and Bruce look at him sharply.

'My help?'

'_You know how being a very smart person without a proper guidance can end up,_' Tony types, turns the tablet around even though Bruce can read upside-down, and stares. Bruce stares back, keeping silent for a long moment, and then nods sharply.

'Tell me what this is about.'

'_There's a boy I know, Marcel, he's 15 and an orphan…_' Tony starts typing, quickly explaining the whole situation. Bruce would do better than Nate at teaching Marcel, Tony is sure. The boy's fascinated with Bruce's area of expertise and while Tony Stark would know enough to teach, Nate doesn't.

He could, if Bruce didn't agree, because Marcel doesn't deserve being left alone, but Tony can tell from the spark in Bruce's eyes that the man is hooked. There are too many similarities between the boy and a lot of people around Bruce to ignore.

Tony shows Bruce some of the boy's notes and things he's been working on, and Bruce's curiosity only grows until he's itching to see Marcel by himself. It's endearing to watch. Bruce is usually very wary about being out with civilians and hardly ever spends more time than absolutely necessary outside of S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers' company so that'll be good for both of them.

'_We were supposed to get coffee,_' Tony types at some point. They're still in the lab. Bruce blinks and looks around, as if he forgot where he was.

'How about we get some, there's this place a few blocks away, and you tell me how you met Marcel?'

'_That'd do_,' Nate agrees and walks out of the room, Bruce close behind him.

Nate's activities are no secret, Tony would prefer the Avengers not to know about everything he does in his free time. Marcel is worth revealing some secrets, though.

The secrets will have to be revealed at some point, anyway, hopefully _far_ in the future.

At least some of them.

* * *

On Saturday Nate takes Bruce to the Riverside – after talking about the situation with Miles – and leaves him with Marcel while he plays with the kids. The weather is a bit rainy, so most of the games take place inside today.

After three hours, when Bruce finally emerges from the upstairs, with grinning Marcel at his side, Tony is pretty exhausted. Spending time with the kids is amazing, but it depletes Tony's energy levels quickly; he's been working pretty long hours recently so the two things combined leave him dreaming about spending the rest of the day on the bed, watching movies or conversing with JARVIS about whatever comes to his mind. Just – _rest_.

Especially that Scott is coming over the next week and Tony knows he's not in his best condition. Scott will notice that straight away. Tony would prefer if the man visited another time, a few weeks later, but Scott's been conspiring with Pepper behind Tony's back and there is no force that can stop those two .

'We'll be meeting three times a week, at least during holidays, unless duty calls the Avengers,' Bruce explains Tony when they're driving to new HQ. Tony didn't know Bruce drove; it makes sense though, given that the alternatives are either too expensive for a doctor on a run – or too dangerous for everyone involved, when it comes to public transpiration. 'You're a lucky man, to find someone like him, and he's even more lucky to have somebody who cares enough to make effort to help him.'

'_Had to_,' Tony types, not offering an further explanation, but Bruce doesn't ask. '_Who with Agent Coulson_?'

'Fury is staying with him right now, so that Clint and Natasha could have some time off. They really don't have to be there all the time, but try to stop them – you can't. They'll get away from that place, at least.'

'_You worry about them_.'

Bruce reads the words and chuckles with amusement.

'I think I worry about everyone, you included. That's just the kind of person I am.'

'_Hulk_?'

'That, too, but we've reached an understanding of sorts recently. He's calmer, so I don't – I'm not worried about him attacking any of you. I've been a bit too close to some crazy things, though, and that leaves a man with a lot of anxiety. I can't be hurt, I can't get sick, but they can. You can. So.'

'_That's what being around people does to you_?'

'It's easy not to worry when you're alone. Harder when you have friends.'

'_Got it_,' Tony types, thinking about Pepper's visit, and hides the tablet in his bag. He recognizes the neighborhood: they'll be at the new HQ any minute now. Nate has agreed for a meeting while Iron Man couldn't come – he hasn't been around for two days before, to make it look less suspicious. Tony will probably try to play it with as few face-to-face meetings with everyone as possible – and as much of consultation via email as they'll agree to.

There hasn't been any team-talk before the meeting, Clint and Steve said they have a very good idea and will share it when they meet with Nate. So Tony isn't prepared at all for what Clint says, as soon as they are seated around a table in an otherwise empty room, surrounded by the scent of fresh paint.

'I know you write programs for medical A.I.s and that you're damn smart, man,' Clint says with a grin. Tony raises and eyebrow. 'We thought maybe you could write us a program that would take care of the security.'

Tony blinks a few times, looking between Clint and Steve, and adjusted his glasses; he's been doing that recently, the habit finally taking over ruffling his now non-existent hair.

'_A.I._?'

'Yeah. That'd be pretty cool if it could control all the cameras and sensors we'd install and do all the jobs for us – I'd rather trust an A.I. than a man.'

Tony looks at Steve questioningly, he hasn't expected Cap to be the one to come forward with such an idea. Steve shrugs slightly and lets an amused smile on his lips.

'I grew up on early science-fiction books,' he says, as if it explained everything. Tony nods in understanding – it does explain a lot – and looks back at the tablet.

'_You don't call an A.I. _it,' he types with serious face. He wishes he could say that out loud in a firm tone. '_I write them with enough personality to identify with their name_.'

'We'd want a he, then,' Natasha says before everyone else can speak up. All heads turn towards her instantly. 'Less moody, if we're thinking that way – does that mean you can do that?'

Clint snorts lightly, but stops when Natasha gives him a stern look. Those two are impossible.

'_It'll take time_,' Tony types, wondering how the hell is he supposed to squeeze writing an A.I. code in his schedule; it might not be very full, but it's as much as Tony can manage and as much as he's allowed to do.

But – _ah_. That's a good idea.

'_And you'll need a _lot_ of wire_.'

Clint flashes him a grin, sending a text to Phil straight away, and the rest of them seems satisfied.

* * *

'I've got work for you, J,' Tony calls as soon as he's back at home, _finally_. Spending an hour with his team – people who don't realize that they are his team – might be lovely, but that's not enough when you develop a nasty headache.

'Yes, sir?'

'I want you to do something for me – you've heard what we talked with the team,' Tony says, taking off his slightly wet clothes. The new HQ house is old and doesn't have any security devices providing sound feed that JARVIS could hack, so Tony took one of his mini portable mics with himself so that JARVIS would have all the data he needs.

'Do you want me to write the new code and create and A.I. based on all I know about the other A.I.s that you've built, sir?'

'Yes, J. Bright boy, as always.'

'I was afraid you'd say so,' the A.I. sounds a bit resigned, but his voice is warm and amused, too. 'Why, sir?'

'They need it at the HQ –'

'You could have asked me to do that a long time ago. I could have written all of the codes you did within last five years, I was developed enough.'

Tony takes off the glasses and wraps a bathrobe he left on the sofa in the morning around his thin body. He sighs and stays silent, giving JARVIS time to figure it out by himself. JARVIS is the best at finding information, hacking, controlling, but Tony's still teaching him how to understand people all on his own.

'You want me to make that A.I. – they wanted a _male_ – that would be an extension of myself.'

'Right, go on,' Tony encourages JARVIS to talk as he walks to the kitchen to grab himself something to drink.

'You want me to be around other people.'

'Uh-oh.'

'So that I would make friends outside of this place. Because of what we've talked about once, that I'll be left all alone when you're gone, without a purpose.'

'Yes, J. You got me,' Tony flashes a dashing smile at the camera over the table.

'That's –'

'You don't have to do it, J,' he cuts in sharply. When he exhales, it feels as if all his limbs suddenly got so heavy. 'I want you to be happy, okay?'

'But without you –'

'You have to learn,' Tony interrupts again, pouring the water JARVIS boiled for him over a teaspoon of green tea leaves, 'that I'm not everything you have. There's Pepper and Rhodey and Happy, and I know they treat you like a person you are, but they don't really need you, not the way I do. They're colleagues more than friends, more than a family. I – we – we've got pretty much time, still, to find you a place to be where you'd be good.'

'You want them to _adopt_ me, sir?' JARVIS asks, his voice quiet and soft, making Tony's gut hurt with guilt.

'I think that could be a good option, yes,' Tony admits, wishing he did insist on creating a body for J all those years ago so that he could hug the A.I. now. 'I'm sorry –'

'That's quite all right, sir,' JARVIS says a bit more fiercely. 'Will I ever be able to tell them who I am, really, if we proceed with the plan?'

'Yes,' Tony replies quickly. 'But I know you are you really asking me if I'm ever going to tell them that Iron Man and Nate Rives and Tony Stark are the same person, or at least two of them, right? I – I don't know. I don't even think about it right now. Let's – let's not think about it,' Tony adds, massaging his temples with his thumbs, the lemony scent of the tea soothing the headache slightly.

'I hope you will trust them enough to tell them, at some point, sir,' JARVIS says before going silent.

Tony isn't sure he thinks the same. Not thinking about it is much easier than trying to come up with a situation that he'd call comfortable.

* * *

Next week the team is no longer working in the streets, all the clean-up now is left to the local authorities to manage, so the focus is work on details regarding the HQ. Everyone has some ideas by now, they just has to sit down and put everything together before Nate can start making the project of the installation he'll need for the A.I.

On Friday afternoon the Avengers all meet in the building – it's cleaned of all S.H.I.E.L.D. things now, with the walls painted white and the wooden floors scraped by the cleaning team Fury found for them. Tony knows that Steve has already, albeit unofficially, chosen his room. No one comments on that, but everyone knows it's the one he's been sleeping in since last Saturday.

'When it comes to the training rooms, I think we'll need a gym, a range and one big training space that could be adapted do what we'll need,' Steve starts, pointing at the building's plans in front of him.

'Swimming pool?' Tony suggests, eyeing Clint, who offers him a tense smile. Tony knows that swimming is one of the nice light activities that will play a big part in Phil's recovery. Tony himself doesn't swim, as long as anyone can see him – the reactor is conspicuous so it would be impossible as long as Tony is keeping up his secret identities.

'Good idea – there's an old conference room in the back, ground level, it should be good to use…' Steve muses, gesturing at everyone to have a look, and so they continue the discussion or some time.

Right until Spider Man speaks up, stopping the argument on whether there should be a lading pad for Quinjet on the outside or somewhere inside the building.

'We need a kitchen, too,' he says and everyone stares at him. '_What_? I'm not gonna eat take-outs for the rest of the long hours I'm gonna spend here. Bruce can cook.'

'Sure, Bruce can cook,' Bruce repeats the words mockingly, but he's not as annoyed as he pretends to be.

'I can cook, too,' Natasha offers, and every head except for Clint's, turns towards her now. It's pretty amusing, like a ping-ping match. 'I know maybe you wouldn't expect, but _yes_, I can cook. Pretty well.'

'You'll love her _pierogi_,' Clint adds, nodding to himself and ignoring Natasha's stare. 'And Thai and classical French. She's got a variety of repertoire.'

'Of course I have,' Natasha scoffs, folding her arms, and Clint does the same.

Tony smirks under the helmet; it's good to see them being more like the Natasha and Clint that Iron Man and Nate met before the Chitauri invasion.

'Well, that was a clue to get some food that no one got,' Spider Man adds, sounding remotely disappointed. He's a great actor, Tony knows, almost as good as himself. 'Starving here?'

'I called for pizza,' Tony says, looking at Steve who smiles lopsidedly. Tony's been sending him a courier with some pizza every evening since that Saturday. Steve never said a word and neither did Tony, but they don't have to. 'Should be here in fifteen minutes.'

'Let me know I equally appreciate your foresight and I admire how you choose to starve,' Spider Man comments, shaking his head with disbelief.

Tony rolls his eyes, even though no one can see him, and sighs. He's explained many times that he doesn't have to eat when they do, but Clint and Spider Man still like to joke about that, if only to annoy him.

'Well, we will need the kitchen to be close to our strategy room,' Bruce says and there's a second of silence before everyone burst out laughing.

* * *

July 1st is Sunday, so a team meeting is connected with the monthly training – they decided have them as scheduled, despite the many meeting they had recently. The team handler for now, as long as Phil is recovering, is Fury himself, and he said he'd like to see the Avengers _being themselves_.

The day passes quickly and before Tony knows, he's back at home changing into running clothes. He wants to go for a run while he still can – the next round of radiation is starting tomorrow, so he probably won't be able to force himself to go out running – and Scott is arriving today evening. Tony is supposed to pick him up from the airport at seven; the man will only stay for three days.

When Tony's running the time passes quickly and nicely, he doesn't feel the miles in his body – used to regular training despite the illness. When he's back at home, though, standing under a thick stream of lukewarm water, he feels strangely faint.

'Sir, your heart is beating too fast,' JARVIS informs him when Tony leans against the cold glass to calm down his body. 'Are you all right?'

'Just tired, J,' Tony replies. It's a bit too hard to breathe for his liking. That's – that surely isn't anything bad, he tells himself, but he could meet with Doc sometime soon, outside of the schedule, just to be sure. 'Make the water a bit colder and get rid of the steam,' he adds, taking a few deep long breaths.

He's just tired.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for all your amazing comments! I'm very happy to know that you've been waiting and still wanted to read this story after all this time. I wasn't sure you'd still be interested.

I'm pretty anxious about this chapter. Well, about this whole part of the series - it's a difficult story to write. I hope you are enjoying yourselves here. All comments are appreciated and loved, as always :)


	13. Long may you run part 3

**Long may you run (part 3)**

'You look terrible,' Scott tells Tony, without bothering with a hello, and brushes some dust off Tony's lapel.

'Same old, same old,' Tony sighs, pulling the man into a short hug. 'You, on the other hand, look perfect.'

'As always, Mister S.'

'You're such a British gentleman,' Tony comments, keeping his face straight and gesturing at Scott to follow. He has no luggage besides his small briefcase, so maneuvering through the thick crowd is easy.

'Again, as always,' Scott replies, keeping close. A few minutes later they are in the car and Happy greets Scott with a suspiciously large grin before starting the engine.

They keep silent for the rest of the ride, swinging by a Spanish place that Scott likes a lot to get some food – they don't do deliveries when you are someone other than Tony Stark – and when they are at home they settle in the kitchen.

'I trust you to keep boss in check,' Happy says, grabbing a bag from under the table and leaving the room. The door closes loudly a moment later. Tony looks around, blinks a few times, and folds his arms.

'He needs some time to rest,' Scott comments before Tony can open his mouth.

'Et tu, Brute?' Tony murmurs, glancing at the front door. 'So, why all the conspiracy?'

'No reason,' Scott replies promptly, taking out a few of Tony's china plates. He's too much of an elegant man to eat supper out of Styrofoam boxes. 'You sit,' he adds, pointing one finger at Tony while grabbing cutlery with his other hand. 'I'll get things done.'

'I'm not an invalid, you know –'

'You look tired.'

'An alien invasion does that do a man –'

'I have to admit, I am worried about your wellbeing,' Scott cuts in again, placing the final element of the setup, crystal glasses, on the table. Then he offers Tony an embroidered napkin and sits down.

'J, have Dummy bring us some wine.'

'Tony –' Scott starts, giving the man a warning look, but this time JARVIS interrupts him.

'Sir is cleared for two glasses of wine, Mister Jarvis,' the A.I. says, sounding slightly amused while saying the name, as always, but also remotely offended. 'I would not let him consume any if he wasn't.'

'Have trust in J,' Tony laughs at Scott's surprised face. 'And yes, he's been very bossy lately. You can imagine what I have to live through every single day, between him and Happy and now Pepper.'

'A tragedy indeed,' Scott comments drily. 'So, you and him –'

'I've been teaching JARVIS independence,' Tony says quietly, putting some stuffed green olives on his plate and licking the olive oil off his fingers as he pops one into his mouth. Scott rolls his eyes at that, but he knows better than to try to make Tony use cutlery when Tony's having fun.

Scott gives Tony a long look and then glances at the ceiling, where most of JARVIS' sensors and cameras are, giving them both a sharp nod. No further explanation needed.

Dummy rolls into the room happily, holding a bottle of an impeccable dry Merlot, and comes up to Tony to offer him the wine.

'Good, good boy,' Tony pats him on the arm and then nudges, pointing at the workshop door. 'Thank you very much. Now go to your baby brothers and make sure they are fine.'

Dummy, being the good boy he _sometimes_ is, goes back obediently, his camera focused between Scott and Tony's hands opening the wine. He's not used to having visitors outside of Tony's very small circle of friends around. Scott visited Tony in the US maybe five times before this year, and it was always the other way 'round, so Dummy is now understandably wary.

'And them – the bots?' Scott asks, taking the glass, now filled with wine, into his hand and swirling it inside, eyes on the flickering burgundy color.

'Don't know,' Tony admits. 'I've had a few ideas, but – no rush. We need to work things out.'

'That you do,' Scott nods, takes a sip of the wine and grabs a piece of tortilla de patatas. 'Bon appetit.'

'Bon appetit,' Tony replies, sticking to his olives. They feel particularly yummy today so he goes with it; he's been having these likes and no-likes since the radiation started and so far, the best way to deal with them is just to roll with it. Plus, stuffed olives are great.

* * *

'You're not coming with me,' Tony says when he gets up to get himself some juice and finds Scott, fully dressed in his expensive soft shirt and suit trousers, in the kitchen, making scrambled eggs for both of them.

'I am.'

'There is absolutely no need for you to come with me,' Tony insists, pouring himself a glass of passionfruit juice and mixing it with some sparkling water.

'I am worried about you.'

'Scott –'

'Tony,' Scott interrupts with a small humorless grin. 'I've seen you going through _a lot_ of messes and I've been fine with the stunt you're doing right now, fooling the whole bloody world – and I know that you've been refusing to have anyone come with you.'

'But?' Tony prompts, sitting down and placing the glass on the table with a muffled clink.

'But I know you want to talk to your doctor and Doctor Eisen isn't around today to be there with you, neither is Happy. Or Pepper –'

'You've been –' Tony starts, shaking his head and staring up at the ceiling; it always means the same thing.

'Yes, we've been talking and I know you've been feeling a bit worse than before and in your condition, that's always a reason for worry –'

'I hate it when you say _in your condition_,' Tony states flatly, tapping his fingers at the table quickly. 'Jarvis and JARVIS, the most annoying team in the whole wide world.'

'You were not going to tell anything to anyone,' JARVIS offers softly and Tony can't help but smile a little bit. JARVIS is such a worrier. 'I know you, sir.'

'Because something like _this_ would happen,' Tony sighs. Maybe it won't be so bad to have someone there, especially since Tony doesn't think Levy will have a surprise waiting for him; Tony knows almost for sure what's wrong. 'Okay, Scottie, honey. You're coming. But you've got to hold my hand and all the stuff.'

'I wouldn't expect anything less,' Scott replies sharply and puts a heaping helping of food on Tony's plate. 'Now, eat up for as long as you can.'

'_JARVIS._' Tony rolls his eyes and digs in. He'll have words with the A.I. later – this is not the kind of independence he was thinking about, even though he knows JARVIS is only scared.

Scott does come to the clinic and waits just outside the room while Tony is in radiation. All that is such a routine now that he doesn't even think about it, just follows with the sequence of movements and actions practiced for months. The few minutes under the machine pass like a blur and as soon as Tony is dressed, he goes outside, gestures at Scott to follow and leads him to Levy's office.

'Hello, Nate,' she greets him with a smile and then nods at Scott. 'You must be the British friend.'

'I asked JARVIS to call,' Tony explains, sitting down and offering Scott a wry smile. Everyone who hasn't met JARVIS is person thinks he's some kind of an assistant or a secretary.

'I was told already what your symptoms are, care to confirm?' Levy asks, taking out Tony's document and opening the folder. She never uses his real name, just like Tony asked her to those few months ago.

'You know all of that by now, but it's been – I've been tired. More than usual, more than I should be even with everything that's been going on,' Tony pauses for a moment, adjusts his glasses and gives Scott a small smile. 'Ugh, headaches and occasional dizziness, but that's rarely – and then there's been this last time –'

'Irregular and rapid heartbeat after physical activity.'

'Yes,' Tony confirms, looking up to meet Levy's eye. 'I probably shouldn't have –'

'Running makes the body exhausted more quickly, compared to some other sports,' Levy comments, making a note in her magical notebook. 'That was the first time?'

'Yeah, that's why I'm here, you said if anything out of the ordinary –'

'You should come to me. I'm glad you're taking those words seriously, from Doctor Eisen's stories, I wouldn't be so sure – I see you know this perfectly,' Levy turns to Scott, who is nodding slightly.

'I had my blood tests done yesterday. Low RBC.'

'Anemia,' Levy murmurs to herself and scribbles some more. 'I want to do some more tests – it's not that uncommon for patients with radiation to abdomen areas. Between that and the trinket in your chest, we'll need to figure out the right treatment, when I have all the test results I need.'

'And that would be?'

'Blood transfusion is the easiest thing, medicine if needed, but it might be a bit tricky with the reactor, so we'll leave that out for as long as we can. RBC would probably be back to normal if we stopped radiation – but for now, it has more advantages than disadvantages, so we'll stick to it. You're responding to it as well as can be expected.'

'Yeah, I know, I'm lucky like that,' Tony sighs.

'You're taking your vitamins?'

'Sure thing. Just like I was instructed.'

'Good,' Levy nods again, closes the folder and wraps her arms around it. 'Now we go steal some of your blood. You can come too, Mister…'

'Jarvis,' Scott supplies, bowing a little. Tony rolls his eyes; Scott is always the same.

'Is Nate's assistant your family?' Levy asks curiously, opening the door and letting Tony and Scott leave before she does.

'Something like that,' Scott chuckles softly and gives Tony an amused look.

The blood results are ready the next morning, confirming everything that Levy and Tony discussed. Since the numbers are not very bad, just slightly below normal, there is no big rush and the transfusion will take place the Monday after Tony's done with radiation. For now, all he has to do is _rest_.

He swears he will try – he really will _try_.

It's good to know that it's not something more serious.

* * *

The rest of Scott's stay is filled with good food, long walks and even longer discussions. Pepper comes over one evening and they play board games, just like they used to when Pepper started to work for Tony, over ten years earlier. It brings back so many memories that Tony gets completely lost in them; he guesses that's what Scott and Pepper want.

They talk even more than they stroll around and Scott makes sure Tony gets all the rest he might need.

It's another nice thing, as long as Tony doesn't think about _whys_.

* * *

'There is a call for you, sir,' JARVIS says through the workshop music on Friday evening, just as Tony is finishing his work on installing an update to the interface of the newest suit he has at home, in the small workshop. 'Captain Rogers.'

Tony nods and waves at JARVIS, which means _go on_, without looking away from the helmet's HUD.

'How is the work going at the HQ?' Tony asks without waiting for a hello from Steve, and he can almost hear Captain's smile over the phone, just as expected.

'Very well. If we continue like that, we should have the rooms and common spaces ready in two weeks, and the rest of the place in a month. And thanks for the food, I don't know how –'

'– you're going to repay me, I know, you said that already, Steve,' Tony finishes for the other man, nodding to himself as the progress bar hits 100%, and takes off the helmet. 'And I told you there is no need for that at all. Yet you insist.'

'I do.'

'I'll come up with something you can do for me, as a favor you owe me,' Tony offers, walking up to the sink and washing his hands and face quickly and efficiently.

'Iron Man?'

'I'm here. Why are you really calling then?' Tony asks. He waves at You and then points at the mini fridge when the bot is focused on him. You will understand.

'Director Fury asked for our assistance with collecting stray pieces of Chitauri tech from all over New York, from several places that have been under S.H.I.E.L.D.'s supervision. They want to move all of the tech to one place and start trying to _make it work_, as per Director's words.'

'Ah,' Tony sighs, taking the smoothie from You and patting his arm. 'Now go back,' he murmurs at the bot who rolls away immediately. 'When and where should I be then?'

'Meet me in front of the new HQ tomorrow morning. Nine in the morning work for you?'

'If it works for you,' Tony replies with the best of Iron Man's courtesy, even though the voice doesn't express emotions.

'I'll see you then,' Steve says before disconnecting and Tony is left with the ringing silence.

'JARVIS?'

'I'll call Riverside and inform them that you won't be there, sir.'

'Yeah, it's probably gonna take a few hours, moving from place to place with that band of misfits – Bruce?'

'Doctor Banner and Captain Rogers will be with you. Spider Man won't be there; apparently his previous arrangements don't allow him to attend the hunt.'

'_The_ _hunt_, J?' Tony asks with amusement, then finishes the smoothie and walks up to the kitchenette to drop the glass into the sink.

'That, at least, sounds somewhat exciting. Sir.'

'You know me too well –'

'Are you sure you feel up to it?'

'– or not. _Yes_. I do. We discussed that and I plan to stick to my promises.'

'Of course, sir,' JARVIS says with slight disbelief clear in his voice. 'Do you want me to show you the progress I've made on the security system?'

'Oh, just drop it and call him your kid, J, old man,' Tony replies with a wide grin and walks up to the main holographic projector where the mansion schematics appears immediately, and they are lost in conversation.

* * *

Recovering the Chitauri tech _is_ much more boring than Tony would have thought, although there is one thrilling advantage: Steve is driving the S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued Mercedes and he's _not_ driving like a man who hadn't seen a proper traffic in his times. He's cutting the corners and speeding whenever he can, visibly excited with the thrill of adventure and the ease of driving the great car; Tony can only imagine how much of a change that must be from the clunky automobiles of the forties, even if they don't fly like Howard promised all those years ago.

Tony wishes he still had access to his car collection and could take Steve for a spin in the Acura or the Bentley with upgrades he did for Happy, or at least one of the fancy Jaguar convertibles – but it's another of the things that can be only be done in dreams.

There isn't much bonding between the three of them in the car; Iron Man and Doctor Banner are on the level of mutual worry about the other's well-being while Iron Man and Steve are… not exactly keeping their friendship secret, but they definitely feel more at ease when they are on their own. Also, being in the suit doesn't help with forming interpersonal bonds, even if it's the second newest one, which is smaller and lighter than all the others – not as good for battles but okay for _hanging out_ with people.

Most of the conversation is about the HQ, a hot topic these days, because there's always something to add. Between stops one and two, Steve gives a report of this week's progress. From two to four, Bruce recounts Clint and Natasha's reactions. Four to seven, Steve tells them about the plans for the next two weeks. Seven to ten Tony talks with them about the progress _Nate_ has been making on the A.I. security system.

Place eleven is the last stop before getting the stack of boxes they now have in the back of the van to the final destination several miles outside of the city.

There is one stop at a gas station with coffee and sandwiches for the _normal_ people, and an hour later the van pulls up in front of a tall concrete wall that remotely reminds Tony of the Black Gate of Mordor.

'Is there anything special we need to do inside the facility?' Tony asks, getting out of the car and finally standing straight.

'Someone should meet us in a minute,' Steve explains, getting to the back of the car and opening the van's door. The pieces of Chitauri tech are packed in neatly labeled black boxes and tightly tucked in the back. 'We need to report to Deputy Director Hill. Bruce will be staying here for a few days and we can go back after we've signed the paperwork.'

'Okay,' Iron Man agrees drily as Tony smirks behind the helmet. He was wondering why couldn't it be other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents recovering the tech; the job isn't _that_ dangerous. Steve just wants some time alone with Iron Man and he can do something useful at the same time, so it's perfect. Exactly what Tony would expect from Captain.

Bruce grabs a small duffel bag from the backseat and throws it over his shoulder.

'There she is,' he comments, gesturing at a lean dark-haired figure approaching them from the big staircase.

'Good to see you, three sevenths of the Avengers,' she greets them and nods at them to follow. 'I'm glad you decided to come onboard, Doctor Banner,' she adds. She doesn't sound glad at all, her voice is perfectly controlled and doesn't reveal a single emotion. Tony met her a few times before, as both Iron Man and Nate, but Maria Hill is still a fascinating mystery, even if she fits perfectly into Tony's idea of a Deputy Director.

Bruce disappears somewhere as soon as they enter the building, as if he knew the facility well enough to find his way around it – possible – so Steve and Iron Man follow Hill into an office at the end of the corridor. It's bright inside; the rooms have no windows so white artificial light fills the spaces. JARVIS filters it through the helmet's electronically controlled panel; Tony's always hated the fake light. It makes his eyes hurt.

Both Steve and Iron Man sign the transfer papers. Hill collects them, places them into a thick folder and stands straight, hands behind her back.

'That's all I need from you two,' she says, slowly glancing between them. 'You're free to go.'

'Thank you, Deputy Director,' Steve says. Iron Man just nods and exits behind Steve, leaving Hill alone in the big room.

Bruce is nowhere to be seen, apparently he doesn't feel like exchanging goodbyes.

'Sit with me in the front,' Steve tells Iron Man when they get to the car. Tony nods again and does as he's told. This is going to be fun, observing Steve driving like the slightly self-conscious speeder he _totally_ is.

'You drive well for someone who must still be used to the old fashioned cars,' Tony says because he can't stop himself, he'd fancy making a snarkier comment, but that would be too out-of-character.

'I can't say I'm not enjoying the speed,' Steve laughs lightly and starts the car. 'This is one of those many things we were dreaming of, back in forties. Everything was so limited back then – but this kind of progress we had in our heads all the time. Men in black suits, fast cars, women wearing pearls – you've read _The_ _Great_ _Gatsby_, right? We wanted to bring all that to the next level. After the war. We – _I_ never got to. And now… most things are so different from what we wanted from the future, beyond our imagination. Having fast cars is one of those things that fulfills those old dreams. But I'm rambling –'

'I like hearing your perspective on things,' Tony cuts in. That's the truth: Tony thinks in a different way than most people, but he knows exactly how they think. Steve is a blank page and Tony loves to learn about his mentality; it's his scientist's instinct to get to know more and more and more, always more.

Steve is one of the few things in the world that can surprise Tony easily and effortlessly – even more than an alien army. That had to happen at some point – but okay. Better not to think about _that_ too much.

'I have something for you in the back,' Steve informs Iron Man, grinning a little bit deviously, with subtle impression of self-satisfaction. Now, that gets Tony curious. 'But I'll give it to you when we're back in NY.'

'Tease,' Tony replies, resting his hands on his knees and looking at the highway they're driving down. 'So, why did you want me to ride back to NY? Because I assume the collecting job could have been done by anyone, and yet you requested it and asked me to come with you.'

'Ah, yes,' Steve murmurs to himself and puts on a pair of sunglasses. 'I know we are both too busy to get away from the Avengers business and our _real_ lives right now, so I'll have to put my big plans away in time, but I thought that we could have a… mini road-trip of sorts? You'd show me some music?'

'Someone was reading fifties' literature, huh?' Tony asks, laughing internally. Steve is just so cute sometimes.

'Can't say no,' Steve admits, staring straight ahead at the road, but Tony can see a mischievous gleam in Cap's eyes. Good that Tony's been informed better than most people, and he never expected Steve to be a perfect law-abiding citizen.

'Okay,' Tony nods to himself and shifts slightly to make it easier for him to reach Steve's smartphone, which is connected to the van's audio system – Tony wonders why it would even have one, but S.H.I.E.L.D. can't always be explained rationally – and quickly finds _Hotel California _and turns the volume up a bit. His last road trip took place… sometime in the nineties, so he's going to make the two hours the true essence of the experience.

* * *

The next week is slow.

It starts with Tony unpacking the magical box Steve gave him at the end of the _road trip_ – it's filled with homemade chocolate chip cookies. Tony eats them for breakfast before radiation with a glass of cold almond milk, and it's perfect. Steve told him that even if he can't see Iron Man being a normal human, he might enjoy the Cap-made cookies in the privacy of his own home, without anyone looming over his shoulder and trying to guess his identity. Tony laughed, thanked Steve and decided to use the cookies as a good day charm during the second week of radiation.

Tony sleeps a lot and rests as much as he can allow himself to between everything he's still trying to accomplish: finishing two independent projects that Nate is doing charitably, supervising JARVIS creating the security A.I. – which is going very quickly – and cooperating with the S.H.I.E.L.D. team on the Tesseract work. The Cube might not be around anymore, but there's _a lot_ of data that needs to be analyzed that could be helpful with the future, in case something happened.

And anything could happen.

Nate visits Mrs. Linz and spends Wednesday evening on a small soiree at his neighbors from two floors down, eating authentic Brazilian food and watching people dancing. Nate doesn't dance and for once no one has any problem with that. They make it into a competition and Tony is the referee, even though he knows next to nothing about Latin dances.

Iron Man visits Phil in the hospital again and learns the man should be released home within a week. Most of the HQ's rooms are ready, already equipped with the wires and other devices Nate said were necessary for the A.I. to be able to function. The walls are painted and everything is clean; they're just waiting for all the furnishings to arrive.

Nate goes on a trip to the park with Annik and the three youngest kids on Friday and when he walks them back to Riverside, he meets Bruce, who is leaving the place after his meeting with Marcel. They only exchange hellos though, as Bruce is in hurry and Tony has Pepper coming over for the night and he needs to get supplies for dinner before he goes home. He's been taking a different antiemetic since last week and it's working better than the previous one, so he can eat easily even during the radiation days.

All those small mundane things feel like a blessing.

They eat clam chowder and drink root beer; Happy has the weekend off and he's out of state, visiting his second cousin or something like that – JARVIS knows. When they're done with dinner there's movie time and Tony falls asleep in Pepper's lap before half of the movie passes. Her presence seems to calm him; there are no nightmares at night, and when he wakes up JARVIS states it's eight in the morning.

'I can't believe I slept that long,' Tony murmurs to himself, sneaking out of the warm nest of the soft blanket, and cleans himself up in the bathroom. When he walks into the kitchen, Pepper is sitting by the table, reading one of the magazines from Happy's _Tony Stark_ collection and snickering quietly.

'We're eating scrambled eggs,' she says as soon as she hears Tony's soft footsteps. 'These are amusing. I keep up with what they say about you – about Stark – in more serious papers, but honestly, these are so bad that it's almost funny.'

'Glad to know you think so, too,' Tony snickers and props himself up the counter next to the stove, ignoring Pepper's disapproving looks saying _really, Tony?_

He's missed it.

'Juice?'

'Yes please,' Tony replies, swinging his legs. 'So what did you do yesterday when I dozed off? And how did I find myself in my bed?'

'I helped you there. Thought you would remember, genius,' she teases, handing him the glass of juice. 'I spent half of the night with the bots. Believe me or not, but I've missed them, and I couldn't fall asleep –'

'So you played virtual basketball with them?' Tony asks, raising one eyebrow. Pepper would always claim the bots were unruly and annoying like spoiled children, but in the end she's always been totally smitten with them. Who wouldn't?

'Might have been not so virtual.'

Tony laughs, imagining Pepper running around in her Louboutins, and feels Pepper's eyes on him.

'What?'

'Nothing,' she replies, walking up to him and wrapping her hands around his arms. 'It's just good to see you laughing – are you happy, Tony?'

He chuckles drily. 'You know me well, Pep. You know I've never been the one for happy or unhappy –'

'_Tony._'

'– but despite everything, I can tell you I am _happier_. Satisfied?'

'Very,' she murmurs, kissing his cheek and pulling away. 'Now, I'm going to make you eat,' she adds, grabbing an egg carton from the table. Tony can't wait.

* * *

Riverside time passes quickly, as always. The weather is lovely again so they spend the whole afternoon outside, with the children playing with water and Nate staying away from the swimming pool with a few kids that don't feel like getting wet. Water is not a problem, but Tony doesn't particularly enjoy it, and while he can hide the reactor in his chest perfectly underneath his clothes, it wouldn't be that easy if they were clinging to his body. And kids ask all kinds of questions he'd prefer not to answer.

Tony spends the evening in his favorite bar, exchanging local gossip with Lawrence and a few other acquaintances over ginger ale and club sandwiches.

When he's back home, after nine, the sun is already down but the sly is still colored blue, purple and pink in the west, bathing the city's glass buildings in endless colorful reflections. The view from this house is nowhere near as good as from the city's highest buildings – Tony's been in all of them, really – and he can't exactly see a lot of the ocean from the windows, so he takes a few deep breaths and decides that such a beautiful night is the perfect one for taking his newest suit flying.

It's equipped with the best reflection panels in the world, as well as a set of no-light repulsors, so the only part of the armor that is visible is the arc reactor – which, from afar, will perfectly resemble a quickly moving star.

'Get the Mark ready while I put on the undersuit,' Tony asks JARVIS, walking to his bedroom to get changed. He's _really_ excited, like a young kid before a first date, with his arms covered in goose bumps and a shy smile on his lips. 'This is gonna be fun.'

'I don't doubt, sir,' JARVIS replies, walking the suit into the big room from the workshop, Tony can see it out of the corner of his eye.

'Excited, J?'

'Not as much as you, sir,' JARVIS says, apparently amused. 'Everything is ready.'

'You are a miracle worker, J,' Tony murmurs, taking a few big steps and then letting the suit wrap around him like a soft warm cocoon. A moment later he flies out of an open window – that feels pretty crazy – and he's above the city. The view is incredible: there's a sea of colors and light under his feet and a clear dark sky above, tinted orange from all the artificial lights of street lamps and ads; there are no stars, but the moon is shining brightly first quarter moon . For the first few minutes Tony is half-worried that someone will spot him, no matter how unlikely that is, but then he realizes that in New York no one looks up at the sky; there isn't anything more interesting there than the city all around.

Flying is something that finally feels like freedom, and with the city cloaked in darkness Tony can't see the gigantic scars in the city's tissue left from the attack almost two months ago – it's difficult to believe it's been that long.

* * *

**A/N: **This part was beta-ed by amazing dri-dri93 :)

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed the interactions here, many of you wanted more Nate & Iron Man dynamics with the team and here you have some and there's more to come :) Let me know what you think!


	14. Long may you run part 4

**Long may you run (part 4) **

On Monday morning Tony is at the Clinic with Levy; Doc is there, too, even though Tony didn't call him.

'I just came back from holidays yesterday evening,' Doc explains, noticing Tony's questioning stare. 'I couldn't stand another day of sitting and doing nothing. You know me.'

'A bit too well sometimes,' Tony murmurs, winking at Doc, and gestures at him to follow. Doc would come in anyway, but Tony likes to pretend he has a say in that.

After the usual boring check-in procedures, a nurse Tony doesn't know leads them to a small room and asks him to sit down on one of the comfortable-looking armchairs, then insertes a cannula into his vein and attaches the IV line.

'So, we're all set up,' Doc states, sitting down on a chair he dragged from the other end of the room. He then takes out something small from his rucksack. 'Here we go,' he adds, waving the thing at Tony and then opening it on the small table that's standing between them; Tony already knows what it is. A mini chess set.

'So, we passing time?'

'That we are. We've got an hour and a half,' Doc confirms, setting the black pieces and shoving the white ones across the table towards Tony. 'Do your own work.'

'Sure thing, mein komamndant.' Tony offers Doc a mock-salute and does as he's told, careful not to do anything to the line attached to the crook of his arm.

The time does pass quickly and before Tony knows, the transfusion is done. He didn't feel a thing – but that's definitely not a bad thing.

Doc disappears somewhere when the nurse comes to free Tony from the thing in his arm; they are going to see each other soon, anyway; Doc will come over to Tony's place sometime later this week. Tony thanks the nurse, pressing a sterile gauze pad down tightly to prevent a bruise from forming where the needle entered his vein. Out of the room he heads for Levy's office; she asked him to come over for a moment, just to make sure everything is fine.

'I am alive and perfect,' Tony announces as soon as he enters the room. Levy doesn't look up from a stack of papers she's signing, but nods at him. Tony walks up to the desk and sits on the chair.

'No problems?'

'Not at all. Imagine.'

'That's good – well,' she says, putting the pen in her hand away and looking up at Tony. 'I should inform you about all potential side effects –'

'Which I know all there is to know about.'

'– I bet you do. Just look out for _anything_: rash, fever, chest pain…if something is wrong, you give me a call. It might be nothing, but I want to know.'

'Sure thing.'

'Good. Will you give yourself a lazy day today if I ask you? Just in case?'

'All of them are lazy nowadays,' Tony points out, adjusting his glasses. 'But yeah. I can. I've got lots of via-internet work to do, so I can literally work from my bed. Who knows, I might – by the way, I wanted to tell you something.'

'Yes?'

'I was thinking about what you told me the other time we talked, about running and all that? I thought I could take up another sport,' Tony says quickly, the words almost overlapping. 'Since running and me don't seem to agree with each other anymore, not as much as I'd like –'

'Nate,' Levy cuts in and it takes Tony a second to realize she's calling him by his name. It hasn't happened in… several weeks. But it's always trickier with people who do know he _is_ Tony. 'You know that the prognosis we made gives you almost two years, as of now – but things are going to get tougher. I'm not going to lie to you.'

'I know, I know,' Tony admits, but he's not looking at her. He doesn't want to.

'What did you think of?' Levy asks, her voice a tone softer.

'Cycling sounds fun,' Tony replies, nodding to himself, as if he was trying to persuade his inner voice that he's telling the truth. Maybe he is. Maybe it will be fun. 'I could just, you know, _commute_. Speed down unexistent bike lanes if I feel like getting tired, cycle a few miles down the island to get something from a bakery or a coffee shop I like and pretend it's a workout if I don't feel like exercise, you know, that kind of thing.'

Levy leans back in her chair and gives Tony a long look while the room is perfectly silent.

'I cycle,' she says in the end, beaming at him. 'As do some of my friends. Maybe we can arrange something together, from time to time.'

'Sure thing –'

'Here,' she scribbles something on a piece of paper, quickly making a mini plane out of it and throwing it in Tony's lap. 'My favorite bike shop. It's in Brooklyn, but you'll love it. And – good choice. I do think it's fun,' she adds and gets up.

Tony follows suit and shakes her hand before waving at her and leaving the room.

Maybe cycling won't be as much fun as flying, but it might be worth giving it a shot.

* * *

Tuesday afternoon Nate arrives at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, just like he was requested the night before. Tony managed to finish one of the charity projects just before leaving home and asked JARVIS to have one last look at it before the A.I. sends it to Mr. Jonson.

_'Good evening everyone_,' Nate greets the small group of people he's meeting with; there are a few of the scientists he's been working with on the Tesseract project, Maria Hill, Director Fury and two other people Tony hasn't met. Agent #1 and Agent #2, he calls them in his head for now. Fury doesn't do introductions, Tony will find out all he needs to know later.

'Good to have you here, Rives,' Fury says in his dangerous voice and gestures at everyone to sit around the oval table. 'I have been talking with my men here for a few days, especially after Iron Man and Captain made the rapid speed delivery to our facility out of town.'

'_Why am I here?_' Tony types, looking around the room. The scientists' team seems somehow shy. Curious.

'We have the best men from the whole country – and maybe the world – and they aren't able to figure out how to get the Chitauri weapons working.'

Ah. That explains the scared attitude.

'_And where do I come into the picture_?'

'We hope you might be able to help,' Hill explains, turning on one of the Stark Industries-made hologram screens. 'You've been working with the Tesseract team and did a good job at writing all the algorithms and the analyzing programs we needed. Now, we need something similar.'

'_Programs won't make the weapons work_,' Tony types quickly and shows Hill the tablet. She exchanges a long look with Fury and scowls slightly.

'We know that, Rives. But they might help those morons around you understand what they need to do –'

'_Why so suddenly?_' Tony asks, wondering exactly that; it's been a few weeks since the attack when the weapons were suddenly moved to one place and now S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to desperately want to master the alien tech. Probably not a coincidence.

'There have been three attacks over a month ago. It's not public, so don't share this information with anyone,' Hill states and waves at the screen; a map of the USA appears in mid-air. 'Three red dots,' she shows the points in Chicago, Atlanta, Knoxville. 'Three attacks at banks, a few hundred thousand dollars stolen. No one was hurt. We made sure no one would know about them since a Chitauri weapon showed up on security footage. _Someone_ clearly made one of them work.'

'_Can't you bring them in?_' Tony types, because that sounds like the most logical thing to do.

'We can't find them,' Hill admits, sounding pretty angry. Understandable. 'We've been looking for them for a month, and it's as if they disappeared into thin air. We can't use any public means to contact them, like notices on TV and in papers, as this is obviously classified information. We'll keep looking, but in the meantime we want to figure it out on our own. Clearly, it's possible,' she finishes, giving the scientists a death glare.

'_I don't think I can help you_,' Tony types and holds his hand up in a _wait_ gesture when he sees Hill wants to say something, '_but you're asking the wrong person. I'm just an IT man. A programmer. You do know the best engineer around._'

Hill and Fury exchange another long look, but this time they end up smirking. It's only slightly unsettling.

'Iron Man,' Fury states and chuckles humorlessly. 'Good idea indeed.'

'_He should be able to help you with the reverse engineering_.'

'I'll call him when we're done,' Hill says to no one in particular and writes something in her file.

'_Is that all?_'

'It is indeed, Rives,' Fury stands up and gestures at everyone to go. He looks at Nate with this special smirk though, and Tony doesn't know what to make of it.

* * *

There are two phone calls in the morning.

One, Fury asks Iron Man to come over the next Monday and sends him a few files about what he'd like Iron Man's help with. Tony has the files on his servers already – and many more – but it doesn't matter. He replies with a confirmation of the date and hour of the meeting. This is going to be exciting.

Two, Clint asks Nate to come by the Avengers HQ. But Nate has to decline due to his other jobs. Partially true: Nate always seems to have something to do between all the commissioned work, Riverside and his personal life.

In the evening there's a party.

There are two reasons to celebrate: Phil is out of the hospital, _finally, _and the team is moving in to the new HQ – that is, Clint, Natasha, Phil and Bruce are. Steve has been living there, and eating pizza sent by Iron Man; Tony and Spider Man are not going to stay permanently, just like they said.

Thor is not around and there hasn't been word from him, but Tony knows – thanks to JARVIS, of course – that Bruce is in contact with his girlfriend and she promised to give the team a heads up in case the prince appears on Earth.

JARVIS' kid A.I. should be ready in a week; he's almost done, but Tony and JARVIS need to run _a lot_ of tests before they can send their baby out in the big world and be completely sure that everything will go as it should. For a few days the presence of a superhero team must be enough security.

The party is small – it's just the members of the team – but it's very nice nevertheless. It begins with a tour. Iron Man has a room in the HQ, too. Probably because the place is big enough that there's enough spare space for whatever his inhabitants might fancy, and that is after including the training areas and Quinjet landing pad in the project. The room has a simple bed with red sheets and a few of Steve's drawings on the walls, Cap's housewarming gift to everyone.

When no one is looking, Tony takes one of them off the wall, his favorite – Iron Man's helmet with the New York skyline reflecting in the shiny metal, looking almost like a photograph – and hides the carefully rolled paper in one of the suit's many magic pockets.

He really wants it back at home.

When the HQ tour is done, they sit in one of the common spaces, a big living room, on the only furniture available. There are three big sofas and a big tea table in the middle of the room, covered with food.

There is a lot of homemade food – Iron Man doesn't eat, but he receives another box-for-later from Cap – and a lot of fancy sodas, since no one declared that they wanted to drink alcohol. One downside of this is that Tony can't expect any drunken confessions, which could be interesting. Maybe another time.

They spend a few hours talking, eating, laughing, and _not_ thinking about anything negative.

Phil is here and he is fine. It's been two months, but they saved the city from destruction and maybe the world from alien domination.

Pretty damn good reasons to celebrate.

And when the party ends, Tony goes flying.

When he's finally back at home it's already dawn.

* * *

Saturday is Riverside, Sunday is Doc dragging Tony around strange antique shops and flea markets Tony had no idea existed – he buys a few ridiculous things for Happy and Pepper, and a vintage Captain America poster for Cap – and then eating out in the city's best Lebanese.

Monday comes too quickly for Tony's liking, but that's not a surprise. Half of the world could probably say the same. He's not in the mood for dealing with anyone – that happens sometimes – especially not Fury, but to Tony's advantage he's hidden behind the suit, so he doesn't have to keep a shit-eating grin plastered on his face, like Tony Stark often had to.

The advantages of a secret identity. Tony could write a manual, with Spider Man's footnotes, maybe.

'I know what you want me to do,' Iron Man states as soon as he gets into the room where Fury is already waiting. This is _so_ going to be the shortest meeting ever.

'Good for you,' Fury replies drily, wrapping his hands behind his back and observing Tony scrutinizingly with his one eye.

'I will help you with what you want from me –'

'I never expected a different answer –'

'– but I can do something better,' Tony finishes, ignoring Fury's words.

'Better?'

'I can bring you the man who made the Chitauri gun work,' Tony declares, the amusement in his voice lost on Iron Man's emotionless tone. Tony already knows, thanks to JARVIS and some of his own insight, who the thief – and his girlfriend – is. He also knows that they won't use the weapons again so S.H.I.E.L.D. won't find them.

'How can you be so sure?' Fury asks skeptically, pacing around the room slowly. Iron Man doesn't move an inch.

'I have my resources,' Tony replies smugly. That's as much as he's willing to say. They have to trust him with this one, like they did with the nuke. Tony _knows_ that Fury likes him and that he was worried about Iron Man, even if the Director would never admit that.

'I can give you a week. And I want you to help, anyway.'

'I would expect nothing less,' Tony paraphrases Fury's words, nods at the man and leaves.

That wasn't such a bad beginning of the week. Tony decides to use the rest of the day productively, since he's already outside, and goes to a few places: Phil's birthday is in September – he probably isn't supposed to know that – so Tony ignores the secrecy and gets Agent a set of Captain America shield cufflinks. Then he gets himself a pistachio and chocolate gelato, walks for half an hour and ends up on a metro train to Brooklyn. The sooner he gets a bike, the better.

* * *

'Well, I certainly didn't expect _this_,' Happy comments when Tony steps out of the elevator with a Cervélo. It was a quick decision, but as soon as Tony sat on the bike, he knew it was a perfect one.

'This, as in?' Tony asks, taking the bike inside the apartment. He could probably leave it downstairs, but it's his new toy baby so he wants to keep it safe.

'As in a blue bike. Seriously, boss, I wouldn't expect anything less than red or gold – and here you are. With a blue bike.'

'At least it's not covered with reflection panels – hey, that's a good idea,' Tony adds, flashing Happy a wide smile, and leaves the bike by the door. He has a bag full of cycling gear in his hand, so he drops that one, too. 'What is that?' he asks, noticing something that looks like a mini-mountain covered with black cloth in the far end of the room.

'JARVIS told me what you were up to,' Happy offers, grinning slightly. Uh-oh. 'So I thought I could be a step ahead,' he adds, reaching the thing and pulling the cloth off the thing.

Tony stares and then laughs: it's a perfectly elegant Cannondale racing bike.

'Running is not my thing, but I thought we could give this a try,' Happy adds and Tony can see the man is pleased with himself. This – it sounds like a good idea.

'Just admit you want to do this only because you want to keep an eye on me all the time,' Tony teases, winking at Happy, and disappears in the bathroom. Time for a long hot shower. They can go explore the neighborhood's cycling life tomorrow.

* * *

Cycling, Tony decides, is a very Nate thing to do, so he doesn't have any problem with arriving at the new Avengers HQ with his rainy blue bike to finally discuss the installation of the security A.I. in the house. Tony is going over the program with JARVIS in the evening and tomorrow it'll be ready to use.

Only Steve and Phil are in the house, not counting two teams working on the training room and finishing the swimming pool. Bruce is in his lab at S.H.I.E.L.D., as always, and as far as Tony knows Natasha and Clint left for three days for a short mission. Spider Man is never around on weekday mornings; that's one of the big hints that he actually has a regular job, even if he always finds time to get away when it comes to superhero-ing.

Nate comes with a box full of homemade muffins; he was feeling like having some yesterday so Happy went to the deli and bought everything they needed and they spend the evening baking. Tony is not a great baker; Happy is much better, probably because he really loves sweets.

Nate hands the box to Steve as soon as he's inside the house; there is a note on the top saying _let's call this a housewarming gift_.

'All of you insist on feeding me, don't you?' Steve murmurs, sounding pretty happy with that. Tony raises an eyebrow questioningly, acting as if he didn't know what this is about. 'Iron Man keeps sending me food every single day,' Steve explains, shaking his head with disbelief. 'He started with all the kinds of pizza I could dream of, and now it appears to be a stage of teaching me about other countries' cuisines. I really loved the Tom Yum, I must admit. Even if I have a sentiment for French from the war…'

Tony listens and makes mental notes; he can't suddenly start sending Steve all kinds of French food, that would be too suspicious, but he can do it once or twice as a lucky guess.

It turns out that Steve likes feeding people, too; it might be pretty useful when you live with a bunch of misfits who sometimes forget to care about their own well-being. Steve and Phil and Nate share a few sandwiches and sodas, talking about the A.I.; it's half signing and half typing on Nate's side, with Phil translating the ASL for Steve. The exchange makes the conversation slightly peculiar, but Tony can't say he's not enjoying himself.

'_We'll need a name for him_,' Tony types some time later, after it was decided that Nate will come over tomorrow to install the A.I. Or rather transfer it into the HQ's system, but that's technicalities.

'I think you should have the right to come up with a name,' Steve replies and Tony smiles internally; it's the exact answer he was expecting and hoping for.

* * *

'You get to choose the name for the mini you we'll be dealing with tomorrow,' Tony announces as soon as he steps into the house. It's late afternoon and he's just got a text from Happy saying that the man is picking up Tony's latest prescription for all the meds Tony uses, which means he is with Doc.

'Would it be too bold if I chose to name the _little me_ Anthony?' JARVIS asks smugly and Tony can actually hear the italics in the A.I.'s speech.

'Far too bold, baby,' he replies, taking his shoes off and making his way to the kitchen.

'I have time until tomorrow morning, right?'

'All the time you need,' Tony assures the A.I., grabs a granola bar and heads for the workshop. He's sure Happy and Doc will come back with dinner. 'I need to look at the code for the last time and then we can make it work. You ready?'

'For you, sir, always,' JARVIS repeats one of their usual lines. Tony grins at JARVIS' camera, gives his impatient bots something to do, and sits at his main desk, the A.I.'s code already displayed on the main screen.

* * *

'So, give me the name you chose while I was working,' Tony murmurs, stretching his back until it pops pleasantly, after a long night filled with work and vitamin drinks that seem to work the same way coffee does at boosting energy; Tony can swear after all these hours lines of codes are embedded into his brain.

'I was thinking Peter or Bastian, Jonathan or Tuor, sir, I'm sure you get the idea –'

'Yeah – rummaging through my childhood reading list, J? Really?'

'I'm not calling _our_ legacy some random name. It's as good idea as any,' JARVIS states, sounding mildly offended.

'Don't pout, baby,' Tony winks innocently at the A.I.'s camera. 'What did you come up with in the end?'

'I thought we could settle for Ijon. Very few people know him, even if it's easy to find out, sir. You would appreciate the mystery.'

'That's perfect,' Tony agrees, smirking slightly at one of Ijon's misadventures that involved his brain being split in two. That sounds… strangely appropriate. 'And it's efficient, you know. Short and easy to say. Good you didn't settle on my favorite Greek myths, even if I can imagine someone calling a four-syllable name every time they want to ask a question, like Agamemnon or Halithersês –'

'We could save that for April Fool's,' JARVIS states flatly. Tony chuckles and nods, knowing that J will remind him of that in late March. 'Now you eat breakfast, sir, and I'll download the whole code onto out portable hard drive. It should be ready in forty-six minutes.'

'All right,' Tony agrees and ventures into the kitchen. Happy is not there, but a bag filled with medicine with Nate Rives' name printed all over the labels is waiting for its owner. Sleeping pills, antiemetics, painkillers, vitamins and supplements: everything Tony needs. Good.

Tony eats some toast with butter and sliced fruit – he doesn't feel hungry at all but JARVIS would never let him leave the house without breakfast – and then takes a long warm shower.

When he's dressed and ready to be Nate, with all elements of the _disguise_ in place, he drinks a cup of real coffee with brown sugar, a miracle for his palate, and grabs the hard drive and his one of his laptops. Cycling with all that heavy and fragile stuff is not a good idea, so Tony takes the subway to get to the HQ.

It's just him, Steve and Phil again, but Tony – Nate – doesn't mind.

'_It's not going to take very long,_' Tony types for Steve. '_Installing it is the easiest part, I need to make sure everything in the house is correctly connected to the system._'

'Do you mind if I leave you alone with Phil? I don't really know how all of this work, so…'

'_Go on_,' Tony agrees, knowing that Steve will go for a long run, his morning routine, and then he'll probably make lunch for all three of them. Nate wouldn't know that, though, so Tony doesn't mention any of it.

'I remember looking at your resume when Iron Man recommended you for our work with the Tesseract,' Phil says after a few moments of silence when Tony connects all the cables he needs to transfer the data from his hard drive onto the HQ's servers. JARVIS tells him on the laptop's screen that it should take roughly ninety-eight minutes. 'It was very impressive for someone who is not famous at all.'

'_I like my privacy_,' Tony signs, smiling shyly. He's had enough fame for a lifetime, but sometimes it still surprises him how much he's enjoying his new life.

'I gathered as much. We don't really know a lot about you.'

Tony smiles more widely and shrugs. He _is_ happy to have S.H.I.E.L.D. unsatisfied.

'_How are you doing here, in your new home_?' Tony signs, steering the conversation away from any kind of identity talk. He'd have to really watch his words if he wanted to talk identities with Phil. Agent is too perceptive for his own good, sometimes. Luckily for Tony, he is hardly ever around Nate, the last few days being an exception. It's good when people are familiar with Iron Man _or_ Nate, but not the two of them at the same time.

'It's a pleasant change from the hospital. I'm mostly enjoying the peace and quiet here. I appreciate the medical staff being concerned and doing their work, but it's good to know no one will enter your room at any given time to check one thing or another.'

Tony nods knowingly, typing a request for JARVIS on the laptop. J will find Tony a nice 15 miles route for a cycling trip for the evening, with a stop at the library and Tony's favorite French patisserie. Someone could say that it's a waste to _use_ such an advanced A.I. for mundane tasks like that, but Tony knows JARVIS will enjoy himself.

'_How is Clint doing_?' Tony asks, leaning back in his chair and staring at the progress bar. Seventy-seven percent to go. It's a Nate thing to ask, since he's almost friendly with Clint, even if they don't spend a lot of time together. Tony calls them _disability buddies_ in his head sometimes. It's cheesy and cheap, but it works; it really makes it easier for people to understand each other when they can relate.

'The op is going okay. He and Natasha should be back home in two days. It was their first mission since the attack, and –'

'_Clint didn't want to leave you alone_.'

'Yes, exactly,' Phil sighs. 'But I persuaded him that under Captain America's watch nothing bad can happen to me. It's good for him to be out there. He's _terrible_ when he's bored.'

Nate laughs soundlessly and goes back to work. Phil eventually leaves, excusing himself like a gentleman he is, and Tony is alone in the room. In the meantime he looks at JARVIS' suggestions regarding the cycling trip, and hums to himself since his usual music is not there.

The download is complete in forty-eight minutes, then Tony double-checks all the files and the servers' performance and when he's sure everything is fine, he takes a deep breath.

'Time to say hello, I guess,' he says to JARVIS, knowing that no one is around to hear him actually speaking. J remains silent and if Tony didn't know better, he'd say the A.I. is nervous.

Tony turns Ijon's program on, runs a quick diagnostics and takes another deep breath. It doesn't exactly feel the same way waking JARVIS up did – Tony is significantly less intoxicated now, plus it's more of JARVIS' work than his – but he's all wound up when he finally makes himself speak up.

'Hello, Ijon,' he says simply, glancing at the nearest camera, just like he does for JARVIS.

'Hello, Nate,' Ijon replies in a soft voice, it sounds younger than JARVIS and lacks the distinctive British accent, but it makes Tony feel as if he was talking with someone he actually knows.

'Really, J, really?' Tony laughs. 'You're gonna have him call people by their first names?'

'JARVIS based this decision on his observations over the years and took my profile into consideration,' Ijon comments pleasantly. Tony wonders how long it'll take him to develop JARVIS' sassy attitude. 'People seem to prefer being addresses by their names. It makes developing relationships easier.'

'I bet it does,' Tony rolls his eyes, knowing that JARVIS will see that. 'Can you walk me through everything you're observing at the moment? To make sure everything's fine?'

'Of course,' Ijon agrees and they spend the next half an hour checking the A.I.'s connection to ever camera, every sensor and every part of the security system of the whole building.

'Are you done? We're having lunch in a moment,' Tony hears Steve's voice behind his back; Ijon did warn him that Cap – _Steve_ – is approaching.

'_We're going over the system to make sure the A.I. works perfectly – I can come._'

Ijon can do the rest himself, leaving the detailed description on Tony's laptop, JARVIS-the-big-brother will make sure of that.

Tony disappears from the room for half an hour, eats spinach and salmon quiche while mostly listening to Cap and Phil's conversation, and when he's back, Ijon is done and ready to be begin his life on his own.

'_Say hello_,' Tony types on the laptop, grinning at Phil and Steve.

'Good afternoon, Steve, Phil,' Ijon speaks up and the two men's faces lit up. 'I'm happy to be at your service.'

'_We_ are happy to have you here,' Steve declares in his Captain voice. 'So, that is all?' he asks, turning towards Nate.

'_You can ask him anything you want to know. He's connected to several networks, in addition to having his own data storage. He's a learning system; everything he doesn't know yet, he can learn. Feel free to teach him_.'

'Thank you again,' Phil says, looking around the room.

'_I'll be going_,' Tony types on his tablet, packing the laptop and hard drive into the suitcase. '_If you need anything, let me know_.'

'I'm sure everything will be fine with me,' Ijon speaks, up, making Steve jump a little. Seems like the HQ residents will have to get used to the new addition. Tony himself never had to pass through that state; he used to talk to a non-existent JARVIS and imagining the responses for long months before he actually got the A.I. to work.

'Good luck, kid,' Tony tells Ijon in low murmur when he's stepping out of the house. 'So, how does it feel, J?' he asks JARVIS as soon as he's in a safe distance from the HQ and won't be overheard. Talking to himself amidst an anonymous crowd is acceptable.

'I don't know how to explain it, sir,' JARVIS says in his familiar accented voice. 'I am not sure it feels like anything. It's not exactly like being in two places at once – I am often in many places at once – but there suddenly is a… presence that I am aware of all the time. And Ijon asks me when he doesn't know answers to some queries. It's – nice.'

'I'm glad, J. You'll see, he'll be friends with Cap in no time. You'll be friends with Cap in no time.'

'It's like with you, sir,' JARVIS adds quietly and pauses for a moment, leaving Tony wondering what he means by that. 'When you make a friend, I feel like I make a friend because I'm based on you so much. It's good. It will be the same with Ijon, I assume.'

'I certainly hope so,' Tony replies, stepping into a metro train.

* * *

**A/N:** Beta by my amazing dri-dri93!

Thank you for all you amazing reviews & support! You really brighten my days and I need it so much these days, so it means so much!

I hope this satisfies your desires, there still isn't that much action but there are interactions between all the characters & JARVIS getting his baby, finally. Let me know what you think :)


	15. Long may you run part 5

**Long may you run (part 5)**

The next day is an emergency.

As soon as Tony wakes up, JARVIS informs him that he's just become aware of a huge amount of SI-made weapons in Pakistan; it was hidden so far, but due to some escalating conflicts in the area whoever has the arms decided to make use of them.

Tony drinks a smoothie, he doesn't think he could swallow anything else, and then talks to Happy who already knows everything, thanks to JARVIS. After Tony's in the suit and already over the ocean, he has JARVIS send a message regarding Iron Man's activity for today to Fury.

The flight is long and boring more than anything; Tony sleeps through some of it, letting JARVIS pilot the suit and trusting him completely, and when he's awake they talk about Ijon and Steve and Pepper, and a little bit about Tony's plans of upgrading Howard's big arc reactor.

Sometime before Tony lands he gets the thumbs up from S.H.I.E.L.D.; they informed the local authorities of what is going to happen and why. The whole world knows Iron Man very well now, thanks to the nuke story, and they knows he's a _hero_, so at least Tony doesn't have to run away from local law enforcement after he's done his job. That's a nice change from what happened too many times at the beginning of Iron Man's activity.

The whole op is easy: Tony incapacitates the dozen or so terrorists with tranq darts, transports them away to a police station, goes back to the mountains where the weapons are, and makes them blow up and turn into unusable pieces and dust in a completely controlled way.

Before he leaves the country, he gives a statement to policemen to make it easier for S.H.I.E.L.D. to sort out, and then he flies back, enjoying chasing sunset. He can feel the adrenaline flowing through his body and doesn't manage to keep a smile off his face; it feels so good. Being needed, doing the right things. It's what makes him feel so alive.

* * *

Since Tony is already in the mood, he decides that it's the right time to fulfill his promise to Fury. He comes home for an hour after he's flown across the ocean, takes a shower, eats some leftover lunch stuff, and takes off again.

JARVIS did a perfect job at hacking all the info Tony needed, and with the A.I.'s abilities in addition to S.H.I.E.L.D.'s, finding the pair that stole the Chitauri gun is really easy. Tony's had a week to monitor them and their newly established routines, so he knows they will be having breakfast in one of the boring Florida bars by the beach.

Tony hovers over the area in his invisible suit, waiting for the couple to leave the café and go back home so that he can confront them. He sits on one of the terrace's steps leading straight onto a beach, disengages the reflection panels – there isn't anyone but the couple in the vicinity – and waits.

It isn't long before they step out of the house, holding hands and laughing and looking sickeningly sweet together, and pretty innocent for a pair of thieves. Tony is sure it's them, he had JARVIS scan the house and J detected the alien weapon, but it's hard to believe it in the strong southern sun.

They must have even harder time believing that Iron Man is sitting casually in their backyard, judging by their faces.

'Before you do anything hasty, let me know you that I'm authorized to tranq you and bring you in by force,' Tony says before they can take a step. They wisely don't move.

'Is this –' the woman asks, glancing at her boyfriend and frowning disbelievingly.

'Iron Man on our terrace? I think it is,' the man admits and moves his hand to grab something from under his shirt, Tony can guess he had a gun behind the belt. He stands up abruptly and the man freezes in mid-movement.

'I wouldn't do that if I were you,' he states, taking a few steps ahead until he's right in front of them. 'Are you enjoying Florida?'

'Yeah, we are.'

'Apart from the mosquitos –' the woman starts, but Tony cuts in.

'You haven't unpacked your bags. You don't even own swimwear. You have pictures of your old home everywhere. You don't enjoy Florida. Now, do you miss New York?'

'How do you –'

'Don't tell him anything!' the man exclaims, not letting her finish. 'We don't have to say anything –'

'I know everything I need to know about you already,' Tony states, tilting his head slightly. 'But I come with an offer –'

'We're not going to prison!'

'No, please,' she adds, holding the man's hand tightly. 'See us? We can't go to prison, we –'

'You might be going to prison if you don't agree to my offer,' Tony informs them easily. 'You wanted to be this century's Bonny and Clyde and that's okay, I can understand that, it's romantic – but I have a good offer for you, I think. No talking about prison. You're good at hiding and good at engineering – don't interrupt,' Tony says when the woman opens her mouth. 'As you surely know I work with S.H.I.E.L.D. and I am fairly sure you know a thing or two about them. They want you in.'

'S.H.I.E.L.D. –'

'They want us –' she looks at her boyfriend with a frown.

'Both of you. Working for them. You'll give back what you stole and come to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. They pay really well, in case you're wondering.'

'And if not –'

'I take you to the police with the evidence of your crimes.'

'We'll work for S.H.I.E.L.D.,' the woman quickly says, glancing at the man who nods sharply. 'Thank god I'll be freed from the mosquitos,' she murmurs as Iron Man shows them to go inside and collect their things. JARVIS sent a message to S.H.I.E.L.D. as soon as they said _yes_.

Tony has a feeling that they'll enjoy their new lives very much.

* * *

August 1st, there is a team meeting. They discuss all July's missions and activities and decide that now that they have their own HQ, they can have meetings whenever it works for the whole team, without asking S.H.I.E.L.D. for space for training. Just another day or two and the building will be ready and everyone who is still working will be gone. They praise Nate for Ijon, who is exactly what they wanted, according to Steve's words. Tony is secretly beaming, knowing that JARVIS can hear every single word the team says.

The next day Tony has to deal with overprotective Pepper who has just come back from a trip to China and feels like shouting at him for what he did in Pakistan.

'It was different watching Iron Man doing all those things when I didn't know it was _you_ inside,' she explains, half-scared and half-angry. 'Why does it always have to be _you_?'

'I ask myself he same question,' Tony replies before he can process the words.

'Tony,' Pepper whispers and hugs him tightly. 'You're fine,' she adds and it ends up with Pepper nestled into his thin body sobbing for the rest of the evening. Tony stays strong for her, even though it's damn hard. He's done his fair share of crying back in December, when he learned about the prognosis, and Happy was there to help him. Now he has to help Pepper with accepting the inevitable; he just hates seeing her hurt.

* * *

On August 5th, with everyone present, the Avengers have their usual monthly training. First Sunday is still a standing fixed date. It's the first time they're using the Avengers HQ's training room and it's as perfect as possible.

The session goes well, Tony is taking advantage of still feeling as good as possible – he starts the next radiation cycle tomorrow – and doesn't pull his punches at all. He doesn't hurt anyone, of course, it's pretty hard to do that with his teammates, but it feels good, to let go of the tension.

When everyone is cleaned up afterwards, they have a celebratory dinner: the teams working on the swimming pool and Quinjet landing pad left the place yesterday, so the renovation is officially done.

'To Iron Man, because none of this would be so great without him,' Steve says before they drink a toast. Tony frowns behind the faceplate, wondering what exactly Cap has in mind. 'I've been living here for some time now, you know that,' Steve adds sheepishly, looking around the room and smiling at everyone. 'I've had a lot of arguments with the renovating teams that you probably don't know about – I had to make sure everything was done exactly as we wanted. You know how it is when you leave people without supervision, especially people who answer to Director Fury,' he adds and everyone chuckles. 'Iron Man made sure I didn't die of starvation and always kept me on my toes. Even if he's not living here, I'm sure you'll experience that sometime.'

Tony nods to that; he's visited Steve a few times at night, when he was pretty sure Steve couldn't fall asleep, and they talked for hours. Tony is definitely not planning on stopping the visits now that everyone has moved in. The will just have to take them somewhere more private. Ijon can help with that.

* * *

The next morning Tony spends a few hours in the clinic, first receiving his usual radiation and then a blood transfusion – Levy wants to make sure he's fine, as his RBC count was exactly on the lower limit and likely to drop during the two week cycle. Tony promises her he'll look out for fever or any other side effects and when he's home, he swallows an antiemetic and goes to sleep. He didn't realize he was that tired; the training and party yesterday wore him out.

On Tuesday Tony feels much better and it's a lucky coincidence, because Fury ask Iron Man to come over to the upstate research facility and get to know the newest member of R&D team, Agent Benjamin Pollack, who keeps thanking Iron Man for bringing him and his girlfriend in.

Tony ends up spending all the week's evenings cycling and all the afternoons doing science.

The man turns out to be funny and clever and it's as nice to work with him as it was to talk with Marcel; they are the same kind of person, even if there's such a big age difference.

Bruce comes by a few times and they exchange some words about Marcel and Bruce's gamma radiation research. Tony feels like flinching every time he hears the word, _radiation_, but he manages not to.

Nate comes by to check on Ijon and the whole installation on Thursday morning, straight after he leaves the hospital since he's feeling fine. There are only three people inside; Phil with his physiotherapist are at the swimming pool are and Clint is at the door as soon as Nate approaches the building, certainly informed by Ijon that someone is coming.

'_Good to see you finally_,' Clint signs wide a wide grin. They don't have the occasion to talk too often, true, and most of the time since the attack Clint was preoccupied with his boyfriend's wellbeing. '_You look like you haven't slept much recently_,' he adds and Tony rolls his eyes, thank you, he knows how he looks. The blood transfusion helped with headaches and dizziness, but the feeling of exhaustion creeping up Tony's bones is ever-present

'_Thanks for the compliment,_' Tony signs back, making a face at Clint. '_You, on the contrary, look better. Good to see that_.'

'_Having Phil here is everything I need_,' Clint admits and Tony smiles at that. Clint doesn't care at all if someone calls him sentimental or cheesy, he's never been afraid of admitting his feeling towards Phil. '_Wanted to thank you for you know what_,' Clint signs before leading Nate into the HQ's control room.

Tony knows perfectly well what: he's made sure Ijon recognizes ASL so that Clint can go around sans hearing aids without a problem. It was a bit tricky, there wasn't much time to figure it out or teach the A.I. manually as Tony did with JARVIS, but everything is apparently working like it should.

After he's made sure everything is fine with Ijon and the whole security system – he didn't really need to since JARVIS has control over everything, but no one can know about _that_, so Tony has to pretend – Clint asks Nate to go out for ice cream with him.

'_Phil will be with Aiden for another hour_,' Clint explains with a hopeful look on his face. '_And I don't fancy meeting new people. I thought it would be nice, since it's so hot today. We all need some time to relax._'

'_Why not_,' Tony signs and that's how he and Clint end up in a nearby park, eating Italian gelato and discussing S.H.I.E.L.D. gossip. Tony has to admit it's a nice change from his usual activities, even if it ends up with him agreeing to something before he can think more about it.

* * *

'Code red, Happy,' Tony rasps out as soon as the door close behind him.

'What the _hell_, boss?'

'We've got an emergency,' Tony explains, looking around the room with an analyzing eye. It looks kind of expensive and big for one person, but it should pass as a _normal_ thing. 'Clint insisted on coming over and Bruce texted me he will, too, if he can, so what was I supposed to say? They're coming to Nate, in case you're wondering,' Tony clarifies, bringing his hand up to his head to ruffle the hair that _is not there_. Even after all those months he still does that.

'So what's the problem? I disappear, of course, none of them can see you with me and so on, but –'

'I don't know what to do when people visit. Or Nate doesn't know –'

'Don't make it more confusing than it already is, Tony –'

'No, I'm being serious here,' Tony cuts in and Happy looks at him with a frown. 'I know what Tony Stark would do perfectly, I know what Iron Man could do, if people came to his house, but that's easy, he's the kind of a mysterious fella that keeps silent and has this faceplate – but Nate? He's supposed to be normal. I can chat with people in corridor and during coffee runs but –'

'You are being silly now,' Happy cuts in, looking at Tony with slight annoyance from across the room. 'You talk about them the way people talk about friends, I know you didn't go to kindergarten but maybe you can grasp the idea? Buy mini candy bars and let them get high on sugar, offer them coffee, let them stare at the interior of _your_ flat. Show them your computer room, you're supposed to be an IT guy, or the screen we've turned the wall in the living room into, I'm sure they'll want to come for movies again. That kind of thing.'

'It's really just that? They won't… require something?'

'Pinky swear, boss – gosh, you're dumb when you're nervous –'

'You know I _didn't_ plan for Nate to have friends. Nothing more than neighbors and a few more people to exchange greetings with. And this – _ugh_. But okay. Mini candy bars, that's the idea of the day.'

'I try,' Happy laughs and disappears into the kitchen area. It means Tony needs to make a salad and some tea – and the dinner will be ready soon.

* * *

Clint and Bruce come over the next evening and Tony has everything under control; the apartment is cleaned from anything suspicious and Tony makes sure no one will enter the workshop area. Happy is out for the evening, meeting up with one of his friends, and Nate greets his _friends_ with homemade mac&cheese and root beer; all of the Avengers like root beer. That's good, it just makes things easier.

Tony decides to entertain Clint and Bruce with JARVIS. Well, not exactly JARVIS, not in the whole, but after a long discussion with the A.I. Nate pretends to be working on a system that would perfect translating ASL into written sentences and then voice them in a way that would be smooth and natural. JARVIS can already do that and Tony figures it could be a great thing, to have something like that on the market. It would help so many people with everyday life.

Hmm. He has to tell Pepper all about that.

'The program,' JARVIS says what Tony signs; he used the word _program_ on purpose, not letting anyone know that he has the most amazing A.I. of the whole planet in his little Manhattan apartment, 'can also translate ASL into other sign languages. So far, we've perfected BSL and French sign language.'

'It feels so strange to talk to you like that,' Bruce comments, gesturing at Tony who stands in front of one of JARVIS' cameras. 'Different. But interesting – and if you could make this commercially available, it would be a breakthrough.'

'Always happy to give you science feels, Bruce,' JARVIS comments for Nate in his British voice and Tony turns around. '_How about the dessert_?'

'_With pleasure_,' Clint signs back and they sit on the sofa. There is a peach pie and mini candy bars, just like Happy said, and they have a good time watching a movie.

It's so comfortable that it's scary; when Clint and Bruce leave, Tony swears to himself that he's not going to agree to a meeting like that again. Even if they insist. He really can't let himself mix Nate into Iron Man's life and vice versa. Some things are more important than fake friendships.

* * *

Tony takes a step back from all the social activities that include the Avengers and decided to spend the second week of radiation resting and working on his personal projects; he informs Fury that Iron Man can't come over to play with R&D and only appears on one training session the Avengers have. Luckily no one needs Nate Rives at the moment.

Pepper comes over a few times, she's in New York for the rest of the month, finally done with all the business trips. She makes Tony eat and goes with him to the big workshop. Tony shows her all the suits he has.

'I'm glad you have all this backup, Tony,' she says when they are done with the sightseeing and Tony pours them both some coke over ice.

'I need to figure out what to do with it – later,' Tony replies, trying out how much he can say. Pepper smiles sadly and gives him an almost too long hug, but she doesn't cry. That's good. Tony is happy to see her dealing with the mess he created.

* * *

Next Monday Tony is in the clinic for another blood transfusion and Levy asks if he bought the bike. The subject simply didn't come up earlier.

'I went to Randy's like you told me to and I got myself a midnight blue Cervélo,' he says enthusiastically. 'Cycling is more fun than I expected.'

'I knew you'd like it,' Levy smiles and closes her file. 'How about we go for a ride? I heard you visited some of the Brooklyn's finest. I'm sure there are some interesting places I can show you.'

'Sound good,' Tony agrees. 'Which day works for you?'

'Saturday would be the best.'

'Sure thing. Text me with time and place,' Tony says and gets up. 'See you then,' he says and leaves. It's a good thing that he's meeting with Annik in the afternoon and they're going to a park with the usual three toddlers; the rest of the kids are at summer school on weekday mornings.

Nate meets with Annik one more time that week and says he's sorry he can't come on Saturday. It's not a problem, he knows, but he always feels a bit guilty.

* * *

Levy really knows some strange places that Tony didn't know about. They eat knedlíky and then visit some weird thrift stores where Tony buys a few little trinkets for Pepper and a vintage radio for Steve; he knows Cap surrounds himself with rather modern things, for someone born in twenties, but he has a feeling that Cap will love the radio.

On their way back, there is a stop for Persian sharbat and enjoy the cool drink in the shade of one of Brooklyn's small parks.

Tony could get used to this.

* * *

When he comes back home, JARVIS tells him that Steve left a message.

'Play it for me, J,' Tony says, leaving the bike in its usual place by the door, next to Happy's Cannondale. He puts away the things he bought carefully and takes the clothes off, listening to Cap's worried voice. Maybe it was little unfair to Iron Man's only friend, disappearing like that; they've seen each other only once within the last two weeks.

Steve says he's like to just talk, if it's possible. He mentions Tony's right to have his private life hidden a few times, but it just makes Tony feel more guilty.

'Send Cap a message for me, J,' Tony asks he A.I. as he steps into the shower. 'Tonight, roof of the HQ, midnight.'

'Done, sir – I will order pizza.'

'You read my mind,' Tony sighs, gesturing at JARVIS to start the water.

* * *

'A word from you saying that you're fine would be enough, Iron Man,' Steve greets Tony with a mixture of amusement and worry in his voice. 'We didn't really have to meet, I mean, I appreciate this, but I don't want to distract you from –'

'It's fine,' Tony cuts in before Steve starts a spiral of endless apologies, like he does sometimes. 'I wanted the meeting. I've been a terrible friend recently. I apologize for that – I missed meeting with you, too. Unique perspective,' Tony adds and Steve's frown is replaced with a knowing smirk.

'I'm starting to get used to things how they are nowadays.'

'You'll always look at everything differently, Steve. An old-time artist's eye. Don't sell yourself short,' Tony says and just then Steve's phone buzzes faintly.

'Excuse me,' he says and takes out the cell, only to look back at Iron Man's _face_ again. 'Midnight pizza?'

'I know you,' Tony laughs and JARVIS makes it sound soft. Steve rolls his eyes and disappears downstairs; he's back five minutes later with a steaming paper box in his arms. 'Chicken BBQ. Though you might feel like it.'

'It's perfect,' Steve declares and stuffs a piece into his mouth. Tony watches him eat and wonders for a fraction of second how it would be if he didn't have to hide – but then he shakes his head and pushes the thoughts out of his head.

'What do you want to ask?' Tony questions a few moments later because Steve is _staring_ at him. Not ostentatiously, but he is staring.

'Are you okay?'

'I am fine,' Tony replies quickly, then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 'Why?'

'That time with Bruce – when he told you to take a day off – and then you told Director you won't be around for some time and I only say you for the training. I was worried. But you know that already,' Tony nods. 'Are you really okay?'

'I am, Cap,' Tony assures Steve, feeling only slightly guilty for the lie. He _can't_ share the truth with anyone. He wouldn't want to, either – too many people are concerned with him as it is. He's a problem for too many people already. 'Just busy with work. You know. Real life.'

'I'm sorry for being selfish like this, but – I still wish I knew your real life,' Steve confesses, keeping his voice quiet and playing with the piece of pizza rust in his hands. 'I'm sorry. But it's difficult not to think about things I shouldn't think about. Since you're my best friend in these times,' he adds, looking away.

'I should be the one apologizing for keeping up my act. But I have to. For now.'

'For now?' Steve repeats neutrally. 'What does that mean?'

'I don't know,' Tony replies truthfully. There's a long pause when Steve and Iron Man stare at each other, and the Cap starts laughing.

'I can live with that,' he declares finally. Tony exhales with relief.

He's really receiving more understanding than he deserves.

* * *

The next Thursday Fury calls and tells Iron Man that there is terrorist activity in an area a few dozen kilometers away from where he destroyed the Stark Industries weapons a month ago. It appears that there are more SI arms in the region. Iron Man promises to take care of that.

Tony spends the weekend – minus Riverside time, the last weekend of summer holidays – going through all the info he can access about the region and old SI weapons trade data. JARVIS keeps close watch via Stark Satellites and at the end of the three days of scarce sleep and lots of coffee and organic takeouts, they pinpoint three places where SI weapons have been used.

JARVIS tells Happy, Pepper and Fury about Tony's plans when Tony is flying over the ocean again. Fury clears him for the op quickly; that possibly means there's more to the story than just a few stray weapons, but Tony can think about it when he's done with his job.

It takes him over a day and a half to neutralize all the people he finds in the three places, their numbers it the biggest issue. There is a total of seventy-right unconscious bodies he needs to relocate before he can blow up the remaining weapons; he doesn't trust anyone with doing that for him, and he definitely doesn't want to hurt anyone, even if it is a bunch of terrorists.

Tony comes back home after spending another day making sure there weren't any more potential hideouts in the area and that he won't have to come back for another op anytime soon. He says hello to Happy and assures the man that he's alright. Happy asks JARVIS to scan Tony just in case and Tony doesn't even feel annoyed with that; he's hungry and tired. More tired than hungry, though, so he crawls straight into his bed after a quick shower and sleeps for twelve hours straight.

* * *

When he wakes up, his heart almost stops when he notices someone in his room, staring at him, but it takes him only a fraction of second to realize that it's just Happy, reading some magazine with a worried frown line between his eyebrows.

'Why are you here?' he asks, sitting up slowly, so that he won't feel dizzy. Sleeping too long does that to him sometimes. It's difficult to go back to keeping his body vertical.

'JARVIS asked me to. You were having nightmares.'

'I don't remember,' Tony says; it's his turn to frown. He really doesn't.

'You were tossing around and J wanted to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself,' Happy explains and puts the magazine away, meeting Tony's eyes. He's worried.

'So you sat with me the whole night?'

'Half of the night. And I wouldn't fall asleep anyway –'

'Why?'

Happy sighs and stands up. He takes a deep breath before speaking up.

'JARVIS didn't brief you with breaking news when you were away, huh? I know he didn't, boss –'

'Happy, what happened?' Tony asks, now starting to get worried, and sits at the edge of the bed. Small steps.

'Nothing bad, don't worry – you'll know soon enough,' Happy pauses and glances at his watch.

'You have a call from Miss Potts,' JARVIS announces. Happy offers Tony a small smile, murmurs something that sounds like _right on time_, and leaves the room.

'Pepper?' Tony asks, biting his lip, and waits for her melodic voice to speak.

'I know this is unexpected and happened a few months earlier than we all expected,' Pepper says and Tony starts to get an idea what she's talking about. 'Stane's trial is done. We didn't expect it at all, after all this time, but he confessed – he's officially convicted of everything we accused him of. And,' she pauses, takes a deep breath and then another. 'Anthony Stark's name has been officially cleared of all alleged offenses.'

'Oh,' Tony breaths weakly, suddenly feeling very blank and _very_ out of place.

'What are you going to do now, Tony?' she asks, keeping her voice in check. Tony knows she's torn between being happy and concerned, even more than usually. That's how Pepper is.

'I don't know, I – I need to think, Pepper. I need to think,' he replies and gestures at JARVIS to end the call.

* * *

**A/N:** Beta by dri-dri93, thank you very much for that!

Thanks for all your amazing comments, favs & follows :) It's so great to know you're all out there reading my story and it really makes me so, so happy! I hope you enjoyed this part and I should probably say I'm sorry for the slight cliffhanger but I'm not really ;p

I made a simulation of The New York Times from the day after this chapter ends, if you'd like to see my handiwork on my tumblr. Since this website doesn't let me just post you a link, my username is concreteandsun then tumblr then com then (slash) post (slash) 54605854947, I hope you can figure it out? :) Please have a look, I think/hope that you'll enjoy the little details.


	16. Long may you run part 6

**Long may you run (part 6)**

Tony lays on the bed for over an hour before he manages to drag himself to the bathroom and take a refreshing shower.

No one had expected the trial to be finished in less than half a year at this point, so Tony had allowed himself to dismiss it and put the whole put the whole conversation to the back of his mind, but now here it comes springing to the forefront again. His life is always that, a perfect mess, and whenever he feels like he's got control over it, something has to happen.

'You think this is big, J?' he asks JARVIS as he's wiping his skin dry with a gigantic fluffy towel. It all feels surreal – Tony Stark, even if not really present, is back in the big world.

Tony doesn't feel like thinking about Stark. Pepper's got that; she didn't have to say anything. Tony is sure there will be a press conference sometime soon, because this is bigger for Stark International than for Mr. Absentee himself – as long as he doesn't suddenly show up in person and mess up Pepper's plans. He doesn't want that at all.

'It certainly is for Miss Potts at this point,' JARVIS replies as if he were reading Tony's mind. 'You will not reveal yourself to the public.'

'I have no fucking intention to do so,' Tony sighs, half-angrily. He's being silly and he knows it, but Tony Stark being back in papers and TV is not what he wants, even if proving the public opinion wrong gives him this certain gut-deep satisfaction.

'What are you going to do now, sir?'

'I dunno,' Tony sighs. 'I need time to think and observe the public reaction, even if it doesn't really matter…but you know, just in case, we better have a good database –'

'Of course.'

'Pepper will come here as soon as she's done with statements and SI and everything that she does.'

'She will, sir.'

'We can talk, I guess. J, do I have anything in my calendar this week?' he adds after a brief pause and makes his way to the kitchen as it's time for late breakfast.

'How are you taking this?' Happy asks from the far corner of the flat and Tony feels silly because he almost forgot that he's not alone. 'You not going public now, are you?'

'No way,' Tony laughs. 'I – I need to think,' he repeats again and seats himself by the kitchen table where two sandwiches are waiting for him, along with the morning medicine. 'It's not like I'm really going to do anything…it's not like it's a revelation. They should've known what Stane said from the beginning,' he adds because it feels like that.

He had a long time to learn to forget all the bad things people said about him but it was still sad, learning how little faith people had in him. It's still is the exact same, but he doesn't think about it much because Tony Stark doesn't really matter at this point.

'I'm gonna buy all the magazines now,' Happy offers, gesturing at his collection by the opposite wall. 'All the journalists will _have_ _kittens_.'

'I hope so,' Tony says around a bit of the sandwich, not sure Happy can even hear him; he's watching the TV with a smirk on his face and a packet of dried fruit mix stolen from Tony's personal stash in hand.

'I'm going out for a ride,' Tony decides when he's finished with the food. 'And then we can do some angry boxing, all right? I need an outlet.'

'Do I come with you, boss?'

'If you want to,' Tony shrugs and makes his way to his room to change into appropriate clothes since he's still wearing shorts and a t-shirt he was in his bed in. Happy does the same and five minutes later they are ready to go. 'I wanna ride fast,' Tony says when they're in the elevator, moving down.

'You sure you're feeling up to it? Physically?'

'I need to clear my head and I'm not going to do it in any other way,' Tony explains. Not even doing science and working with JARVIS. He needs to be out somewhere because all of sudden the world seems so small.

He needs reassurance that there is life outside. Sometimes when he's closed in his workshop or too occupied with his own affairs – his _triple_ affairs, really – it's easy to forget about everyone and everything else.

'Then we do that, but I wanna stop by Kinney's to get something energy-packed in the meantime,' Happy decided and Tony nods in agreement. That's probably a good idea. His body is still able to handle a lot, but he's not in the mood to test his limits.

And training is always good as Levy's been trying to talk him into taking part of an organized bike ride in October, if he feels like it. He said he did. It should be fun.

* * *

When they are back from the ride there is no boxing. Tony can admit to himself that he's not feeling up to it anymore; most of his energy has been spent during the rushed two-hour-long ride.

Also, as soon as he enters the apartment, he notices Pepper sitting on the big sofa, her heels lost somewhere in the middle of the room, watching the news with a smirk. She looks so beautiful and deadly, Tony had to admit; deadly suits her very well.

'Do you know why he did that?' Tony asks, his breaths still a bit short and rapid, but that's fading fast.

'He didn't offer and explanation, not really,' Pepper replies, understanding Tony's question easily. 'I don't know why he changed his mind. Maybe he wanted to save his _honor_ since it was starting to be obvious he'd lose? You know how courts are. It takes ages, but in the end you can trust in the strong evidence we've provided. Not even his money could help this time,' Pepper adds, snickering with satisfaction. 'There were too many people who testified against him and wanted your name cleared.'

'Let me guess, my scientific fellas?'

'Exactly them.'

'Well, that's uplifting,' Tony comments. 'I'm gonna take a shower now. We've been out for ages and I'm all covered with NYC dust,' he adds, nodding at her, and disappears in the bathroom.

'I got us some lunch,' Pepper tells him as soon as he's back, wearing fresh clothes and looking like a strange mix between Nate and Tony which makes her raise one perfectly-shaped eyebrow. 'French. Thought you could use some salad and butter.'

'Always,' Tony admits, placing a kiss on her forehead and sitting down.

'I've got a proposition for you, Tony,' Pepper tells him a moment later, when she's seated down, too. 'How about we go to Malibu for the weekend? There are some things I still need to take care of tomorrow, mostly media, but after than I do plan to sit back and relax and see what everyone's going to say about my long-lost boss.'

'Uhm,' Tony murmurs, thinking about his schedule for the rest of the week. Nate Rives has a meeting tomorrow, completely detached from any S.H.I.E.L.D. or Avengers business, and then his usual appointment at Riverside – oh. And he was supposed to spend some time with Steve over the weekend, since Iron Man skipped the team meeting and the monthly training because of his latest mission. And Steve wanted to _talk_, a very Steve thing to do.

But Tony misses walking along the ocean shore _so_ _much_. And it always helps him think and sleep and forget.

'Okay, Pep, I'll come – just how do you want to do that? I come as Nate or should I fly there myself?'

'I'm not missing the chance to see you sleeping onboard one of StarkJets,' Pepper replies quickly and Tony chuckles. Somehow, he always ends up doing that when he's travelling with her, just like he ends up drinking every time he's flying with Rhodey.

_Rhodey_. He's half a world away, again, and Tony's been thinking about paying him a visit as Iron Man, but hey, that'd be a bit too conspicuous. He can always dream, though, when he reads the colonel's emails.

'Eight a.m. sharp,' she adds, looking at him with a flicker of amusement in her eyes. 'They're not _your_ planes anymore, so no waiting for you this time.'

'You'll be surprised how much of a good boy Nate can be sometimes,' Tony says smugly and goes back to eating, half listening the excited comments on the TV mixed with Pepper's and Happy's comments.

* * *

The next day is Thursday and Nate has a meeting with the team he's been working with on a medical A.I. and robotics; the cooperation has been online so far, with Nate writing the codes and supplying the team of engineers with ideas along with two other IT specialists. The project that Nate's been working on with the team since the very beginning is finally going into testing phase. So there's a meeting and Tony feels almost as excited as he did when he was giving his first lectures back in MIT.

They meet in the lab where the robot was assembled; a few clinics will be testing it when the first phase is done.

'It's good to finally know you really are a person,' one of the team members tells Nate who laughs soundlessly, because hey, the comment sounds pretty ironic when it was JARVIS working on the A.I. programming as much as Tony, if not more, and they should probably be meeting J to praise him for the creation.

But that, just like Ijon, is between Tony and JARVIS.

They launch the robot and check all the functions, which takes most of the day; they talk a lot and giggle like excited schoolgirls during their lunch break because everything is perfect so far and that means the project is very likely to be a big and immediate success. It's not even as much about money as it is about the satisfaction.

When Tony is back at home at seven, he tinkers with the suits that he keeps in his small workshop, plays with his bots and waits for Happy to come home bearing dinner. They eat and watch the newest news feed and laugh, and then Tony packs a few things he'll need during the week and goes to sleep, knowing that JARVIS will wake him up in time.

* * *

Malibu feels just as alien as it did when Tony came back from Afghanistan.

Pepper visited the place several times since Tony Stark's disappearance, hoping to find him hiding there at some random time – but he knew she'd check so the thought of visiting the California mansion didn't even cross his mind.

'Under different circumstances I'd have asked if you wouldn't mind the media reporting you seen with an unknown man,' Tony laughs when they're landing on SI airport in Los Angeles and head straight into one of Tony's cars that's waiting for them. 'But I know that at the moment they have better things to write about.'

'Tony Stark's case is exciting, especially since he's still nowhere to be found,' Pepper agrees, her voice laced with amusement. 'And he's claimed he was innocent but then disappeared, not it turns out he _really_ was innocent –'

'So they're going to go crazy about the disappearance _again_, I know,' Tony admits with a sigh. 'And we're going to do exactly what you said you wanted, Pep: sit back and watch.'

'Don't you regret it, sometimes?' she murmurs when they're in the car. She's driving.

'Not anymore,' Tony says and it's the perfect truth.

* * *

When Pepper goes to sleep after they spend the day talking, reminiscing, talking, eating and laughing, Tony sneaks out of the mansion and spends most of the night dragging his tired legs along the shore. He still feels heavy after the crazy ride they did with Happy, and combined with the thickness of the salty water and the wet sand, he's moving as slowly as if the air was honey.

But it's good. The wind in scented differently here, it's not filled with traces of petrol and dirt and smoke, it smells just like salt and resin.

It takes Tony some time, but after he's talked to himself and to the ocean and to the sky for a few hours, until his voice has gone hoarse, he sits down and waits for the sun to go up in complete silence, his mind blank and devoid of all thoughts but the awareness of the murmuring ocean.

When he comes back, the sky is pink and blue and he's cold, but it feels like his lungs suddenly have bigger capacity and it's easier to breathe.

The rest of the weekend is a bliss, a bit too much of a bliss maybe, and Tony tells JARVIS exactly that when he's back at home on late Sunday evening.

'I don't think I'll do it again soon,' he says, sitting down by his workshop because he's pretty sure this night will be sleepless. 'It felt good and I could almost pretend none of what's happening is really happening and it was almost like having one of my recluse quiet weekends by the sea years ago when none of _this_ was even a bad dream.'

'Does Miss Potts know how you feel?' JARVIS asks softly, that bastard, because he always knows the right questions that have painful answers.

'I couldn't really tell her that, no,' Tony confesses, rubbing his eyes and looking around to locate the nearest-sitting bottle with vitamin water. Helps as much as coffee does. 'But I think she knows, she knows me too well, she always knows.'

'Yes, sir,' the A.I. agrees and displays Tony's latest projects on the screen, as well as Nate's and Iron Man's calendars. Radiation starts tomorrow. Meeting with Cap tomorrow, too, and the next day meeting with S.H.I.E.L.D.'s R&D. Iron Man should probably hang around with the Avengers for a little bit, since he hasn't been very sociable lately, and then there's Riverside –

'J, juggle the things to make me a nice schedule, okay?'

'Processing query, sir,' JARVIS replies smugly and Tony lets himself close his eyes for a moment.

* * *

Tony doesn't manage to fall asleep at night, so he spends the time working and then drags himself to the clinic across the busy sunlit city early in the morning, getting some cranberry juice along the way – good for the stomach, rich in vitamins, Tony's like a walking medical encyclopedia these days – and he _still_ arrives early.

He spends half an hour _chatting_ with a few other patients, he sees some of the pretty often so they exchange pleasantries and chit-chat about whatever comes to their minds. Tony does his best at avoiding Obie's process in their discussion, even if it's the hot topic right now; luckily for him in this moment, these people don't care about the trial as much as the whole world outside the hospital does.

When he's done with the radiation for today, he goes home and sleeps until Happy accidentally wakes him up around four p.m., coming back with shopping they need for dinner tonight and for tomorrow.

'Sorry, boss,' Happy says quietly, noticing Tony sitting up slowly on the sofa. There is a frown of worry on his forehead. 'You all right?'

'Didn't get any sleep at night,' Tony yawns and lets his bare feet touch the cold floor. 'It's that late? Ugh. I'm supposed to meet Steve at six. Will we manage to eat before six?'

'There is some soup from yesterday and you can cook pasta –'

'Why me?' Tony whines, just out of habit, and stands up, stretching his spine.

'If you want to eat mushy overcooked pasta, I can do it all right,' Happy replies, rolling his eyes, and settles the bags with groceries on the table. 'I'll make sauce. You'll be dressed and fed in an hour, satisfied?'

'Very,' Tony murmurs groggily and walks up to the fridge to take out the soup for heating up.

They work in silence for maybe twenty-five minutes before all the food is ready and Tony, feeling that his stomach is doing okay today, eats some soup, some more soup and a bit of pasta with perfect buttery and herby sauce.

'We could open a diner,' Tony declares when he's wiped the remains of the sauce with some bread, cleaning his plate until it's shiny. 'We'd call it _Happy pasta_ or something as catchy –'

'I protest against using my name in connection with pasta, that's like teasing the universe –'

'Well, whatever, as long as make it a happy something,' Tony agrees, putting the dirty dishes together on the table and leaving them for one of the bots to clean. These little creatures are liking being domestic all right. 'I'll go get myself ready to join the world of the living – you got any plans?'

'There's football in TV today,' Happy replies, shrugging slightly. 'And maybe I'll go cycling before that.'

'You do that,' Tony says, smiling a bit. It's good to know he's not the only one enjoying the new activity in the Rives / Hogan household. 'JARVIS will let you know when I'll be back,' he adds before disappearing into his room.

* * *

The meeting with Captain is going exactly like it always does, they train a little and Steve eats while Tony observes him and then they talk a lot, knowing that Ijon will make their conversations unavailable for the other people present in the HQ.

And Steve asks about Tony Stark.

'I mean, they gave me a briefing packet about everyone I was pretty close to in the 40s, and Howard was there – it was written there that he had a son. Anthony. They didn't give me much about him, since he was not directly involved with S.H.I.E.L.D., but I looked a bit on my own, you know? I was curious, I thought he must be a brilliant person because Howard was such a smart and unique man, and I couldn't believe that he's do all the things Stane accused him of…'

'Why?' Tony asks, JARVIS keeping Iron Man's voice steady and flat like always. Tony doesn't exactly know what to say, he doesn't want to say anything at all, because he'd hate to lie to Steve more than he has to already.

'I dunno, it seemed to me that he already had everything he might have wanted so the whole story was lacking motivation – and motivation is a big thing, isn't it?'

'I guess you're right,' Tony agrees; that's one plausible explanation. Steve wouldn't know the many others because they are technical, business-related or classified.

Steve just believes in people.

Tony Stark isn't exactly a person to believe in, but Steve still does it. It's amazing and Tony doesn't even try to imagine how much of inner strength that must take.

'I wonder where he might be,' Steve adds and Iron Man tilts his head slightly.

'You don't believe the rags that say he's dead?'

'I don't really know what to believe, but I… hope he's somewhere around. I would like to meet him, one day.'

'A link back to your old life?'

'Maybe he'd tell me something about Howard, yes, but he sounds like an interesting fella, from what I've read about him…' Steve pauses and sighs. Tony keeps silent because there isn't anything he can think of saying that wouldn't be awkward, in one way or another. It pays off, because when Steve speaks up again, he changes the subject completely. 'I'm gonna get some leftover pizza,' he says, smiling shyly, and disappears into the elevator.

They've been sitting on the roof, just like in S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, partially out of habit and partially because the sky is covered with lovely thunderstorm clouds that they've been both staring at.

Tony can feel a soft ache settle in his bones, almost unnoticeable but it's there, he's sensitive to the little things these days. The reactor hums remotely in his chest, making his bones vibrate deep within his body; he should be used to that, but it still surprises him sometimes. It's easy to forget.

He lies on his back, finding a pretty comfortable position in the suit and stares at the fast-moving black clouds. He's listening closely, waiting for thunder that should be here but aren't yet, and the only thing that he hears are Steve footsteps. Then Cap sits, eats two or three pieces of pizza, lays down next to Tony – and interweaves his fingers with Iron Man's as if he needs reassurance of some kind.

Tony doesn't ask, he lets Steve do what he wants, and they stay like that until big raindrops start falling and getting them both wet.

The next afternoon Nate is at Avengers HQ, taking Ijon's readings for efficiency checkup. Tony sleeps well at night, he was feeling fine when he finished radiation, so he takes his bike and cycles to the HQ; it's not far, but it's a nice ride. He chooses a moment before the afternoon rush so the streets are pretty empty – for New York – and he can relax instead of focusing all his attention on the traffic.

'Hello, Nate,' Ijon greets Tony in his usual manner and Tony grins at one of the entrance cameras when Tony leaves the bike leaning against the building's brick wall.

'_Hey, kid,_' Tony signs, smiling. Ijon doesn't have sign language translating protocols – Tony thinks it's only a matter of time before Clint asks him to install them – but he knows that JARVIS will help the young A.I. with solving the problem.

When Nate enters the house control room – which wasn't really necessary but Bruce decided he wanted to have one since there was enough space – he finds Clint sitting in the middle of one of the desks, eating chips straight from a silvery packet.

'Ijon told me you cycled here,' he states, skipping the greetings like he usually does. Tony nods. 'Can I see your bike when you're done?'

'_Sure_,' Nate signs and places his laptop on one of the free desks, connecting it to the A.I.'s network quickly and typing hello to JARVIS, since no one is looking over his arm. Besides Ijon, that is, but that doesn't count. This whole scene is a game anyway, Tony's been controlling the readings every morning to see if everything is working without a glitch. It's pro forma; if an A.I. starts working like he wants it to, there is very little chance that something will malfunction later.

Especially with JARVIS looking over this baby.

'Want one?' Clint asks, jumping off the desk and walking up to Nate. 'Hand cut French cheese and thyme. Limited edition. Phil likes this stuff, he's so fancy sometimes.'

'_And you're more of a Cheetos guy,_' Tony comments, fishing out a big chip out of the bag.

'I am,' Clint laughs. 'Nothing wrong with some old-fashioned bad snack, right?' he adds. His phone buzzes, so Clint takes it out and reads the text with a small frown. 'Apparently, my debrief has been postponed until tomorrow, some new intel or something the prep team needs to consider. Hmm… you busy afterwards?'

'_Not really_,' Tony types on the laptop, browsing some of Ijon's data in the background.

'How 'bout we cycle together? Somewhere nice, you must know some nice hipster places, I can see it in your face –'

'_I do, but pretty far from here, and rush hour_,' Tony types, sighing. _'But wait._'

Clint nods and munches on the chips while Tony takes five more minutes to finish his _checkup_ and then pulls up a map JARVIS has been updating every time Tony goes out cycling. He nods at Clint to come closer and shows him the map.

'_Blue dots are food places, red dots are other nice places, green dots are green spaces. Choose. Can take subway if someplace is too far_.'

'That's cool,' Clint declares and bends over the table to get a better look at the screen. 'This one here, it says it's a chocolaterie? That sounds good. I need something sweet after all the salt I've consumed.'

Tony nods, grinning at Clint, and writes JARVIS a command to calculate the route; it's one of the places that are in Manhattan, so they don't have to cycle all the way out of the island. That's good. And Happy and Doc would love some Belgian chocolates; they're all meeting for dinner later in the afternoon.

Clint gets his bike but before they go, he insists Nate come and say hello to Phil. Nate isn't particularly close to the man, they only met a couple of times and usually at S.H.I.E.L.D. and with other agents present, but Tony nods and follows Clint. They find Phil reading a book in Russian, apparently recommended by Natasha, and they talk for a few minutes before Clint tells Phil that he's disappearing and informs him about the postponed debrief.

'Get me some pistachio something,' Phil asks when he learns their destination is a chocolaterie, and then pulls Clint closer and kisses him.

Tony smiles; it's good to see them both being relaxed and casual like that. Before the team came together, it was a tense time for all of them and in during the first stages of Phil's recovery they were all still pretty unsure and nervous, but as Phil's healing, everything seems to go back to the right track.

'_They also sell Italian nougat and there's a pistachio variation_,' Nate signs and Clint translates some words for Phil who nods with content.

'Then get me some,' he says and waves them off; they disappear into the hall and make their way outside.

The ride is silence because Nate can neither sign nor type while he's cycling and Clint seems to enjoy the quiet moments. It takes them half an hour to get to the place, they stay there for some time, drinking hot chocolate and sharing S.H.I.E.L.D. gossip, and on the way back they take different turns at the end of the route; Clint goes to the HQ while Tony cycles back home and spends rest of the afternoon with the pleasantly annoying company of Happy, Doc, and good food.

* * *

The next morning Happy drives Tony to the clinic and when they're on their way back, they stop by a shop to get some bagels for late breakfast. Tony stays in the car while Happy disappears for a few moments, and when he's back he has an unreadable expression on his face.

'What happened?' Tony asks frowning slightly and tilting his head. Happy sighs, seats himself behind the steering wheel and hands Tony a folded newspaper.

'I don't know why they did it 'cause Fury'll get his hands on them, but – check out the front page.'

Tony's frown deepens as he does as he's told. Happy starts the engine and joins in the New York morning traffic and Tony stares.

_An insider's eye on the explosion of government research facility_, the headline says, and Tony suddenly feels very, very angry and Happy's words about Fury make perfect sense. Things that are classified are classified for a fucking reason, aren't they?

Tony skims the article, holding his breath until he knows Nate Rives' name in not mentioned and when he's sure it isn't, he lets himself think about what the article really means. A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, anonymous of course, met up with the journalist and described in too much detail what happened at the upstate facility the day Loki's army invaded, including the reason for the explosion; Tesseract's name is not mentioned, instead it's described as an unidentified experimental power source that the agency wanted to tame and use.

The source states that S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists and R&D people were _incompetent _and _full of themselves_ and that they were lacking a_ talented and experienced engineer_ who would understand the power source, and then there's a sentence that makes Tony's blood freeze.

_I think none of this would happen if we had someone like Tony Stark onboard_.

Tony can perfectly imagine the headlines tomorrow.

'Why would someone do something like that, when they'll be sent to jail for a long time for treason?' Happy wonders aloud and Tony is ready to give him an answer that is surprisingly understandable, despite his anger at the person's recklessness.

'They say a few of their close friends died in the explosion,' Tony explains quietly. He had JARVIS check S.H.I.E.L.D. reports for him, after the attack happened, and he knows that there were seventeen people killed at the facility and thirty more badly injured, though most of them have recovered and are back to work now.

'They're bitter.'

'Must have been _really_ good friends, or this guy just doesn't care,' Tony concludes, sinking in the seat and pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees.

'You okay, boss?' Happy asks, glancing at Tony quickly. Tony murmurs an incomprehensible _yes_ in reply.

'Yeah, all right,' he adds a moment later. 'Happy, would you mind if we didn't go back home, just, kept on driving? For some time?'

'City or highway?' Happy asks without any further questions – he knows Tony's into fast rides and they always help him clear his head – and Tony loves him for that.

'Highway,' Tony decides and puts on sunglasses, handing Happy the other pair. The sun is shining strongly today, making the world waver behind the thick wall of hot air, and Tony opens the window and inhales the heated salty scent.

* * *

The next morning Tony has a meeting with S.H.I.E.L.D. R&D regarding another project Fury wants Nate involved in and Nate steps into the room bursting with voices and he instantly understands that they are discussing the yesterday's article and the media frenzy that followed. People always have so much to say when it concerns stuff that normally stays secret and Tony understands their crazy curiosity and even the conspiracy theories, but he's learned when he was a young boy that people _shouldn't_ know everything, especially the matters are in good hands. He might not like S.H.I.E.L.D. itself so much, but they really do their job well.

'I think Stark would have helped a lot, if he had been there,' one of the younger man says and Tony makes effort not to turn around and stare. 'Like they wrote.'

'You actually met the man or something?'

'I read his papers,' the same voice replies. 'He knew his stuff.'

'What makes you think that he'd manage to prevent the explosion though? We all know it was aliens and even he couldn't have been prepared for that,' a third voice chimes in. Tony sighs.

'Look, guys, I like you and everything, but that man was a genius – don't look at me, I actually did attend a few of his lectures – even when he was completely drunk –'

'It doesn't mean anything –' someone else starts and Tony sighs again and takes his tablet out.

'_Whatever you might think_,' he types, ignoring the guilty feeling at the back of his head, '_you shouldn't speculate like that. It won't make anything better and it won't make the deaths more or less _worthy_ in any way_.'

The youngest man blinks at the device shoved in front of his face.

'I guess,' he agrees, shrugging, and shares a look with the other men who nod.

They are all so young, Tony can't help but think. None of them is older than thirty. They will learn.

'Okay, guys,' one of the men says and waves at the rest to be silent. 'Sit down and let me talk about what we're here for_._'

The murmurs subside and they all listen closely to the description of the integrated threat response system they'll be working on, connecting all the databases of federal and international agencies quicker, better and _without_ _asking_. After the New York incident, WSC and S.H.I.E.L.D. had a very big argument that resulted in WSC upgrading the whole agency's status and giving them more power and freedom of action in exchange for Fury and Hill _not_ releasing the recording of the WSC deciding to nuke New York. Even they know that however _mighty_ they may be, they'd fall if the world knew who exactly made the decision.

Right now, it's a mystery and Tony hopes it'll remain that way because he wouldn't want to live through the mess the world would be if it knew.

When the meeting is done, Nate leaves the room first and almost bumps into Bruce a few turns later.

'_Hey_,' he signs, knowing that Bruce can recognize a few basic words. '_Working?_' he types quickly on his tablet. Bruce smiles tiredly.

'Actually, I'm headed for a lunch break. I've been here since the morning and my spine would really like some rest… Want to join me? That is, if you're done? You're so thin,' he adds with a lopsided smile, just like the worrier Bruce that Iron Man knows.

'_I am done_,' Tony types and mentally reviews his schedule, but he always clears it as much as possible during radiation so he's free. '_Okay_,' he agrees and follows Bruce out of the building and two blocks farther until they enter a homey-looking modern bistro.

They talk about the HQ and Ijon, Marcel and other Riverside kids Bruce sometimes meets, and inevitably about the unfortunate article and Stark's potential help, but it's mostly Bruce's wonderings and Nate listening, something he does really well.

Later in the evening Pepper asks Tony what does he think about the whole Tony Stark deal – since the whole country is pretty focused on the lost man recently – and Tony groans and tells her he doesn't want to talk about that _again_, so they make some food and spend the evening talking about SI stuff and gossiping.

* * *

Monday comes quickly and it soon becomes obvious that Tony is officially having a bad week.

It comes from nowhere, the first five days of this course of radiation were really good and the weekend was nice, too, with lots of cycling, working in the big workshop and hanging out in Nate's favorite places.

When Tony gets home from the clinic, he goes cycling with Happy and that is fine, too, but as soon as they get back and Tony gets into the shower, his head goes spinning and he leans against the bathroom wall and then sits on the cold floor, the sharp sensation making his body shiver. JARVIS calls Happy, Tony hears vaguely through the ringing in his ears, and Happy is scooping him from the floor a moment later and puts Tony on his bed.

'Do I need to call Doc, Tony?' Happy asks and Tony shakes his head for no because he can already feel his mind cleaning and he knows that in a few moments he'll be fine.

'Just dizzy,' he replies between deep breaths that help a bit. 'J?'

'The scan I have just conducted doesn't reveal anything unusual, sir,' the A.I. replies promptly, managing to keep concern out of his artificial voice and sound perfectly professional.

'Your blood results, boss?'

'Fine for today morning, the tests were made at the clinic,' JARVIS supplies. 'Would you like an oxygen mask, sir?'

Tony takes a moment to think about that, JARVIS' conclusions are logical, vertigo is often a result of the lack of oxygen to the brain and the reactor makes that a bit of an issue, even if Tony normally doesn't notice anything.

'Maybe,' he says and grabs Happy's hand before the man can get to the other room where the mask is. 'I wanna shower first. I'm sticky and messy, all right?'

'JARVIS, run warm water,' Happy says in commanding voice and help Tony sit up and then insists on wrapping his arm around Tony when they walks to the bathroom. Tony takes a quick shower, the water is cooler than he's used to but hot water means lower blood pressure and that might mean feeling faint, that's the last thing Tony wants now.

When he's in a t-shirt and boxers Happy tucks him in like the mother hen he is; it feels funny because it's one p.m. and everyone around is having lunch at the moment, enjoying the nice late summer weather and sunshine, and Happy tells JARVIS to make the windows opaque and play Tony some soft music so that he can fall asleep more quickly.

In the evening, Tony wakes up, drinks some broth Happy prepared for him, and goes back to bed. He has a pounding headache and he doesn't really feel up to doing anything, so he spends half of the night staring at the ceiling because his body isn't used to that much sleep.

He feels better the next day, but the headache is still there and he can't even look at solid food. He takes the antiemetic and doesn't vomit, but the thought of swallowing something makes him feel sick. None of these things are unusual though, as radiation side-effects, he had closer encounter with them during the different radiation he got before the surgery last year.

There is no need to stop the treatment, though Tony makes a big pause in his personal affairs and doesn't leave the apartment for the rest of the week besides getting to the clinic.

'There is an assemble call for the Avengers,' JARVIS announces on Thursday, his voice soft and comforting and Tony groans.

'Fuck my life,' he sighs, eyeing Doc who is _babysitting_ him while Happy had to go out and take care of something, he didn't want to concern Tony with his affair.

'You're not going anywhere,' Doc calls from across the room. 'In fact, you're staying on the sofa and eating what I bring you,' he adds and Tony shakes his head with resignation, but he is really thankful for everything Happy and Doc do for him. He's sure Pepper would be here coddling him if she weren't on SI business trip in South Africa.

'Jell-O again?'

'It's good for your stomach,' Doc replies loudly, disappearing into the kitchen. Tony has to admit Jell-O is one of the few things he's managed to eat recently.

It's like the radiation suddenly caught up with him. Tony hopes he'll feel better after tomorrow, when he finally has his blessed three-week-long break.

'I hate not going out when they need me,' Tony says between spoonfuls of jelly. 'That's what Iron Man is about, helping out, and instead of going for a mission that's about _human trafficking_, which admittedly isn't aliens but it's even worse, I'm sitting on my fucking sofa.'

Doc is in the other room and he can't hear Tony, even though he probably has a good idea about what's going on in Tony's head, but JARVIS is always there.

'If I tell you that you are not superhuman, sir, will you answer the way you always do?'

'I will,' Tony agrees, playing with the spoon and staring distrustfully at the few bits of the colorful food left in his bowl.

'Then I will not mention that Iron Man is a superhero, but he is nowhere near as important as you, sir,' JARVIS replies smugly, making Tony smirk. 'And your teammates know you're just _a man under the suit_, sir. The last time you didn't take part in the team's activities because of personal reasons was months ago.'

'I know, baby,' Tony says. 'I still feel bad about it. And they're gonna be worried.'

JARVIS stays silent but Tony can almost hear the unspoken words. _They should be, sir. _

'I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now, sir,' the A.I. says in the end and Tony smiles warmly at the ceiling.

'You're the best, you know, J?'

'I know, sir,' JARVIS answers quickly. Tony laughs quietly, minding his aching head, and makes himself finish the Jell-O since he's lost some weight during this week, _again_, and his doctors won't be happy with that.

Iron Man gets a message from both Bruce and Phil asking if he's fine and informing him about the successful mission. There are no accusatory words, there never are, Tony knows the team genuinely understands and respects his right to be _indisposed_. Tony replies to the emails quickly and assures the men that he's fine and that he'll be there at the team meeting on October 1st.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you so much for all your comments and favs and follow! It makes me incredibly happy to know that you're reading my story and enjoying yourselves :) I hope you liked this part too!

Thanks to dri-dri93 for beta :)

Also, you can check out amazing fan art by byakkoloki - my first ever, thank you sooooo much! - and here is the linking issue again so I posted the link in my profile, it's easier that way, I hope it works and you go have a look at it :3


	17. Long may you run part 7

**Long may you run (part 7)**

The radiation ends on 21st and over the weekend Tony is getting better, it feels as if his body was cleansing in a strange way, but it's a good feeling. He makes chicken soup with noodles and eats some rice and angel food cake and drinks light smoothies and he can feel his body getting stronger with proper nutrition.

On Tuesday, Tony feels good enough to go flying at night; he's been cooped up for too long and he feels a burning need to go out and make sure the world still exists out there. Happy ask him about thousand times if he really feels and frowns unsurely when Tony says that he's fine.

'I trust you, boss,' Happy says, making Tony smile and roll his eyes.

'You're just worried.'

'Kinda,' Happy admits and waves at the newest Mark that's waiting for Tony to get in. 'But you're a big boy.'

Tony nods and lets the suit wrap around his body pleasantly – and a moment later he's flying. The night is calm and unusually bright, thanks to the big full moon somewhere above the ocean, and Tony spends almost an hour flying between the buildings and over the water and staring until his eyes hurt because he hasn't been blinking.

'I am so lucky, J,' Tony murmurs when he's moving towards the city from the ocean and New York's famous cityscape is bright before his eyes. 'I'm so fucking lucky I get to see something like this in my life.'

'You deserve this,' JARVIS says warmly. 'And it's your own work that made it possible.'

'Thanks, baby,' Tony says fondly because that's one of three things he never expected his A.I. to do but JARVIS does all the time: sass him, be a mother hen and pay his endless compliments, even if sometimes laced with as much sarcasm as only Tony can see through it.

'May I suggest a detour on your way home, sir?' JARVIS asks a moment later, when Tony is almost flying into the maze of skyscrapers.

'Yeah?'

'If you are not feeling very tired, sir, perhaps you would like to visit Captain Rogers?'

'Steve?' Tony asks, surprised. 'Is something wrong?' he adds quickly. JARVIS has never done something like that before, so Tony can't help but worry.

'Ijon asked me for assistance, sir, saying that Captain Rogers seems very distressed, but he does not want to tell the other residents what is the problem.'

'Are you trying to set me up with Steve, baby?' Tony wonders teasingly, directing the suit towards HQ. 'Get us pizza, J.'

'Order already placed, ' JARVIS replies promptly.

Iron Man finds Steve on the roof, sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees and shaking slightly. His super-soldier body can't get cold, but Tony ignores Steve and goes into the house and gets a blanket nonetheless and greets the man when he's wrapping the soft warm fabric around Steve's hunched figure.

'You all right? Why are you here?' Steve asks, of course first worrying about his friend and then about everything else, as always.

'Yes, all right. Ijon called me and asked me to come over because you were hurting.'

'Did he actually say that?' Steve wonders and Iron Man shakes his helmet for no. Steve offers him a tired smile. 'Though so. Why would he call you?'

'According to his information I'm the only person that can provide comfort to you, other residents of the HQ apparently didn't help and Natasha and Clint are out of country for a few days. That's how I was informed.'

'… I need to thank Nate for creating someone that smart,' Steve says, closing his eyes, and Tony sits down next to him. It's not the most comfortable position ever, in the suit, but that's not a problem.

'What's on your mind, Steve?' Iron Man asks in his usual voice, but Steve seems to hear Tony's concern underneath.

'Nothing, really,' Steve says and laughs bitterly. Tony stiffens for a moment, but then he wraps his arm around Steve's back, the way that always comfort him. 'Or everything. That mission, a bit, you know? I'm glad you weren't there. I wish no one had to look at those poor people, it's just – it's so _inhuman_. It's been even worse in my times, I guess, in a way, but… I thought the world would be done with all that evil in the future. And it's not.'

'That's what we are for,' Iron Man says, Tony staring at Steve's expressive face from inside the helmet.

'I know, it's just… Sometimes 21st century is still a bit too much for me.'

'It is even for me,' Tony says quietly, thinking about how easily things get out of control these days because the world is just spinning too fast and there is never time to just stop and rest and get things under control. 'Hopefully I know some answers,' he adds and Steve gives him a long thankful look. That's one of the things Iron Man is and has been to Steve since the beginning: a teacher. A guide.

Tony ends up watching Steve eat hot pizza, almost burning his fingers, and then they stay on the roof, talking for hours, until Steve almost falls asleep, cuddled up to Iron Man's armor, and Tony sends Cap downstairs to get some rest and flies back home.

* * *

Iron Man spends the next day in R&D, working on the Chitauri tech with Agent Pollack and his new team and he must admit that he has a soft spot for the man who singlehandedly made the alien weapon work. Pollack is a brilliant engineer and Tony can respect that, but he's also funny with people and treats the older and more experienced S.H.I.E.L.D. agents like a teacher might treat high school kids, patronizing them and making bad jokes only he laughs at. Agent Pollack liked Iron Man though, given that he made the suit himself, and Tony wishes he could let himself be more like Tony Stark. It would be much more fun.

As Iron Man, he has to be more serious and mature so the atmosphere in the room is sometime quite stuffy, but the older agents are getting used to being bossed around.

After work, Tony checks with Ijon via JARVIS to see if Cap it at HQ but he's gone for a run, so Tony spends some time in his big workshop. The suits always need upgrades – you can't be too prepared – so Tony can never say that he's bored.

JARVIS informs him when Steve is back and Tony gives Cap half an hour to clean himself up and then pops in the HQ unannounced.

'I said I would visit whenever I'll be able to,' he says after greeting Phil. In reality he's only checking up on Steve, but that's not said aloud, of course; he likes his team, but he doesn't particularly feel the need to hang out with them now. They meet often enough anyway.

Well, they meet Nate and Iron Man separately, so Tony gets enough _Avengers_ _time_, and it's better this way because neither Nate nor Iron Man are supposed to be very sociable – that only complicates things.

'Is Captain around?' Tony asks, not sure if he's talking to Ijon or to Phil. They both say _yes_ at the same time and Phil smiles. Tony is sure Ijon would smile too, if he could, because he's JARVIS' creation and he's secretly sassy like that.

When they walks inside and pass one of the rooms with the doors wide open, Phil disappears inside and Tony catches a glimpse of Spider Man casually sprawled on a chair in a position that shouldn't be humanly possible, shuffling a deck of cards, and Tony's mind is a bit blown because he's never seen those two getting along.

'I have an idea, Steve,' Iron Man says when he enters the library on the top floor that Ijon directed him to. Steve is holding a book on the beginning of postmodernism and Tony can't help thinking that Steve's the only person whose arms won't ache from holding such a big thick tome in his hands.

'Iron Man,' Steve greets him with content. Tony asked Ijon to inform Steve that he's coming. 'Nice to see you.'

'How are you doing?' Tony asks, taking a few steps ahead but stopping far enough from Steve so that he won't be looming over the other man. Steve takes a deep breath and then another, puts the books away and stands up.

'Thanks for yesterday,' he says, not really looking into Iron Man's _eyes._ 'I was messed up.'

'Did you sort out your thoughts a bit since then?'

'Running helps,' Steve smiles sheepishly and then finally looks up at Tony. 'No, seriously, thanks for coming. You didn't have to.'

Tony laughs and it's one of the rare times that JARVIS conveys that through the suit's voice transmitter. Steve's face lights up in delight, he mention a few times how much he likes those rare moments. _I can pretend you're human now_, Steve always says and Tony knows what he means.

'Just do it already,' he encourages Steve in a fond tone that almost sounds fond in Iron Man's voice, too, and Steve walks up to him and gives him a hug, resting his head where the crook of Tony's neck would be.

'You're too good for me,' Cap says, and then, 'I feel like I'm using you.'

'What?' Tony can't help but ask, a bit sharply, but Steve doesn't hear that.

'I always get a hug and you – you don't even feel this. Ugh. I'm being awkward, right? I always end up being awkward, you know me,' Steve laughs tightly, but doesn't pull away. 'You're such a great friend.'

'I'm glad,' Tony replies earnestly. Steve holds him for a moment longer and then stands a step away from Tony and makes a serious face.

'Do you have someone to hug you?'

'Are you asking me this for real?' Tony questions curiously before he can filter his words, that's too Stark-ish to say, but Steve just smiles. 'Yes, I have,' Tony admits. He has… at least five _someones_.

'Good,' Steve nods curtly and puts his hands on his hips, ending up looking sickeningly cute. 'But you said you had an idea?'

'Yes. What are you doing for the rest of the week?'

Steve frowns a bit, surely wondering where is this going, but he doesn't ask.

'We have a small party for Phil's birthday on Saturday, and then team meeting on Monday the 1st… But I don't think I actually have anything important, besides what I do every day? Why?'

'How would you feel about going for a road trip?' Tony asks, quite sure his eyes must be rather mischievous, but that's a secret.

'_Huh_?'

'You enjoyed that few hours of a ride we had with S.H.I.E.L.D. tech. Maybe we could go somewhere farther? I will have a proper road trip playlist prepared this time.'

'But –'

'If you're thinking technicalities, don't worry. I got everything I need covered in the suit and none of that is a problem. I'll organize everything.'

'… okay,' Steve says finally, looking as if he was thinking intently. 'Okay. Car?'

'I'll have one.'

'Can you even drive when you're wearing the suit?' Steve wonders, making Tony laugh, but Iron Man just shrugs amusedly.

'We are superheroes, Steve. We can do everything.'

'I guess,' Steve agrees and raises an eyebrow. 'Map?'

'Come,' Tony replies, gesturing at Steve to follow him. They go to the control room – there are computers Iron Man can use without it being too suspicious – and Tony shares all the details he came up with since yesterday.

* * *

They leave the next morning, in Nate's other car that has a set of documents registered for Iron Man. It shouldn't be possible, thinking realistically, but Nick Fury does what he wants and when Tony asked him for such a privilege, the man didn't even blink and had everything ready in a day.

Steve laughs at that whole bureaucratic issues, because Tony has a photo in his Iron Man helmet in the special ID card he got and Tony had to agree it looks ridiculous. He's never used it before today.

There is a basket full of snacks for the road, bought by both of them as Steve eats for two, or maybe three people. He always smiles apologetically when he's hungry _again_.

They are heading to Tennessee, not really to visit any particular places – they decided not to be out in public, which is quite understandable – they chose that state as it fits into the time frame. Maybe it's not the most exciting of places, but the destination doesn't matter, what matters is the time on the road.

'I like the music a lot,' Steve comments when they get to somewhere in late 60s, having started with the previous decade. He, unsurprisingly, enjoys good folk rock and some country music – Tony shows only the best of the decade – and, surprisingly, takes a strange liking to The Doors and Jimi Hendrix, even the louder and wilder songs.

'That means you might enjoy the future – the past future, that is – in the end,' Iron Man replies and Tony is grinning.

They stop at gas stations and in roadside diners to keep Steve fed and hydrated and buy cheap souvenirs, and Tony wonders how would it be like if he wasn't in the suit, if he could steal Steve's fries and his peanut butter cups, if he could let Steve see how he's smiling and know that he is enjoying himself so, so much. But it's difficult to _really_ imagine doing those things and Tony is genuinely happy at being able to do as much as they're doing.

It takes them twenty hours to get to a place where they decide to stay for the night. They made it almost without breaking too many traffic laws, Steve insists they at least pretend to drive like they are supposed to, but then he ends up speeding himself.

They stay in the car for the night. Tony has his laptop so they watch a movie and Steve munches on some interesting food he got from one of local food trucks in a town they stopped by. Iron Man didn't go outside – he doesn't mind, the car is spacious even while he's in the suit – and they sleep a bit. Steve falls asleep first and Tony sneaks out to fly for half an hour, stretching his limbs and letting his body rest.

Steve surely knows that he's left, but he understands.

Tony has all his physical needs covered while he's in the suit, but it's nice to lift his faceplate when he's sure no one can see him, and just wash his face with real water.

In the morning, they drive a few miles in pouring rain before they reach a place where Steve can get some warm food. He disappears into the bar alone and Tony goes flying for hours. He knows Steve will need his time to do some shopping afterwards. Tony doesn't mind at all, he enjoys the flying a lot and gets to talk with Happy in the meantime, assuring him that everything is fine and that he's feeling well and having a great time.

There isn't much more time to stop many more times if they want to be back in time for Phil's party so soon they're back on the road. They take a longer way this time, more to south, because Tony wants Steve to see some different sights and breathe different air.

They drive all evening and stop at a gas station in a tiny town the middle of nowhere at one a.m. to fill up the tank and Steve decides that he wants a milkshake from the neat-looking bar across the street.

He comes back with two big cups equipped with thick colorful straws.

'I want you to have a little bit of pleasure during this trip, too, because it's been one of the greatest things that anyone did for me since I woke up,' Steve explains quietly. 'I just though… I don't know, it's so presumptuous of me, but it's dark and I wouldn't see and you could lift your faceplate just a tiny, tiny bit so that you could fit in a straw? I know, I'm being ridiculous –'

'You're actually being very considerate,' Tony cuts in, taking pity on Cap who seems worried out of his mind. He sighs and stays silent for a moment.

'It doesn't matter,' Steve says, smiling apologetically. 'Forget it. I can drink both, you know that –'

'I can do it,' Tony hears his words before he can think, but there's no taking them back now.

'If you do it like Captain Rogers suggested, you are going to be fine, sir,' JARVIS soft voice says straight into Tony's ear and he nods. That's right. He can do this for Steve.

'Really?' Steve asks and there's such genuine surprised happiness in his voice that Tony can't help laughing and then keeps grinning like an idiot. 'I got two chocolate ones, I figured everyone liked chocolate?'

'I love it,' Tony assures him and takes the cup with red straw that matches his suit.

The slit in the helmet is half an inch wide and Tony knows Steve can't guess his identity thanks to that, but he feels strangely… _unsheathed_. It's not a bad feeling and he's not scared because he knows he can trusts Steve – but it's something new and raw and he knows he won't do it again.

They arrive in New York at one p.m. sharp. Tony gives Steve a lift to the HQ and confirms that he'll come by at seven for the team party, and then drives back home.

* * *

The gift he got for Phil a few weeks earlier is waiting to be packed, displayed nicely in the middle on the kitchen table. Tony gets last look at the cufflinks and then wraps them with black paper professionally, ties a thin white ribbon and decides it looks exactly like he wanted.

In the kitchen he finds a note from Happy – he likes doing that, instead of asking JARVIS to forward a message – saying that there is some _real food_ in the fridge that Tony just needs to heat up. It's nice to finally feel the texture of pasta and steak in his mouth.

Tony eats a big dinner, knowing that the party means no food for him, and tinkers with a design he wants to present to the team Nate Rives is privately working for in a few weeks until it's time to leave.

Phil loves the cufflinks and smirks when Clint asks if he's going to wear them for the first official debrief with probies when he's back from medical leave. Phil says yes.

Iron Man stays for three hours and learns that Spider Man has been coming to the HQ every few days and annoying everyone around, as if he wanted to reach out but was afraid, and Tony recognizes that in the young man's behavior only because he's doing the same. Bruce said that he said he's a scientist and under different circumstances Tony would maybe offer him some kind of guidance, but he's not in position to. Iron Man doesn't really have a home where people could come over and the two masked heroes can't exactly hide in many places without being spotted too soon, and he's pretty sure Spider Man wouldn't think the Avengers HQ is a good place to meet.

And he's not even sure Spider Man wouldn't just brush him off with one of his jokes.

Tony leaves around ten and goes flying until midnight, trying to remember as much as possible from the beautiful view from up there, and then he goes back home and sneaks into his bed, for once falling asleep easily.

* * *

On Sunday, Nate visits Riverside, having postponed the usual Saturday meeting. The kids make their own dinner on Sundays and today it's handmade pizza with whichever toppings they want, everyone gets their own of the size they will eat.

'It's much cheaper than ordering pizza,' Miles explains when Nate makes a pi sign with olives on his small pizza, placing them carefully over a layer of ham. 'And kids learn a lot and have fun. They aren't too picky, but everyone has their preferences.'

Tony nods, since his fingers are too dirty to type right now, and Miles smiles at him in understanding.

After dinner the primary school kids show a play they've been preparing all summer with Annik and Tony watches it with delight, laughing at the kids' witty humor and their shy but self-assured performances.

Tony only did something like that once, he made puppet robots – no one should be surprised, he was Tony Stark – when he was five and created a play he showed Jarvis only. They agreed together that his parents shouldn't see it and Tony wasn't even sad, back then.

In the evening Nate meets up with Clint and Cap and they cycle for some time, taking advantage of the very warm weather, probably the last this year. Nate raises and eyebrow when he sees Cap because he only talked with Clint, but Clint says Steve looked like sad lost puppy so he had to invite him.

'_I'm glad you take care of him_,' Nate signs to Clint before they get on the bikes. Clint laughs.

'_We try, but sometimes all he wants is Iron Man. They're like B-F-F_'.

Nate smiles amusedly and Tony smiles even more inside because it's such a great thing to say.

They visit the chocolaterie and eat ice cream in on their way back and Tony comes back home late again thinking that it was a good training before the ride they're attending with Levy, Doc and Happy in a few weeks.

The next few days will probably be busy, so Tony again goes to sleep early.

* * *

October 1st, there is the usual team meeting with Clint and Spider Man eating cheerios and bickering and Cap trying to keep everyone focused, which proves to be more difficult than before because now they live in the same building and feel more at ease around each other.

They do discuss the last month's mission and some upcoming long-term projects for the team. Then Coulson forwards intel from Fury and gives out solo missions for everyone who has one planned for October. Tony had a long talk with JARVIS in the morning about some estranged SI weapons in South America and decided that now would be a good time to take care of them; JARVIS sent all the info to Fury and Coulson early in the morning so Phil only nods and him and says that they've got all the papers for him and he can do his job.

There is a long sparring session afterwards and Tony loves it; there was only one in September as the other was scheduled around the day the team left for the op and they were too tired and bruised to hold a meeting, and since they has field practice, they counted it as exercise.

Iron Man and Steve have an impressive one-to-one, interrupted at the end by Spider Man who apparently decided that his _two favorite superheroes_ can't live without him.

'What about me?' Hawkeye pouts, shooting a boomerang arrow at Spider Man who deflects, but doesn't manage to get it wrapped with his web and it always annoys him. 'Am I not your favorite? We're buddies. We eat Chinese together.'

'Phil knows my favorite dishes, not you,' Spider Man shouts back and disappears somewhere in the middle of the ceiling. Tony shakes his head with amusement and takes a moment to assess his physical state, but he's feeling really good today, so he turns around to face Cap.

'Another round?' he asks. Cap smirks.

'Oh yes,' he replies and attacks as quickly as super-soldier body allows him.

An hour later they are both sweaty and exhausted – although Iron Man appears fresh and untouched, as usual. Tony thanks Steve and the rest of the team for the training and disappears, telling them he needs to prepare for his mission and avoiding their requests to stay for whatever meal they might be sharing afterwards. They seem okay with that, only Steve stares at Iron Man for a tad too long.

Tony goes to the big workshop, makes sure the newest armor JARVIS fabricated according to Tony's specifications is in perfect condition, and then returns home.

* * *

Tuesday and Wednesday are filled with flying over South America, blowing things up, scooping people up from the ground when they're running and delivering them to local police stations, like Tony usually does. The mission is messy because it takes place in the middle of a rainforest and Tony has to maneuver between the multitude of trees and weird plants and it totally screws with his field of view, but JARVIS is kind enough to show him everything he needs to know about on the HUD.

During his many travels, Tony Stark hasn't visited rainforests often – they were too damp and dirty for his liking, and too uncivilized – so when Iron Man is done with destroying the stray weapons and chasing the bad guys, he lingers for a few hours, finally slowing down and enjoying the other world he suddenly found himself in. To use a cheap metaphor, it's like the Manhattan of nature.

Tony lifts the faceplate, breathes the thick air and feels the softest almost green-colored wind on his face and tries to remember everything.

When he's finally back home, in the evening, he spends some time with Happy as they haven't really been around each other much recently.

The next day Iron Man leaves Fury a report about his mission and quickly goes back home because Bruce is supposed to visit Nate and Tony suddenly realizes that he didn't leave himself much time to get ready to play Nate – and he can't exactly forget anything out of the man's guise.

Bruce brings some homemade Indian food that Nate loves and they talk – Nate speaks via JARVIS, like the last time when Clint and Bruce visited, and Bruce never stops being amazed – about Maurice and the Physics lessons, other kids from Riverside that Bruce gets to meet, about Bruce's work for S.H.I.E.L.D., the project Nate will be doing with the agency and his private jobs. It's cozy and fantastic and Tony kind of wishes he would talk about some more things with Bruce, but those are Tony Stark's areas of expertise and not Nate's, so it's out of question.

Bruce is one of the smartest people Tony has ever met and he's a very opinionated determined person under his shy demeanor. Tony listens to him talking and has JARVIS talk back for him while he can't stop thinking that at least a part of what Tony Stark will leave behind should be at the man's hands because he'll do most good with it.

'I will make a note and we can talk about this whenever you want, sir,' JARVIS declares when Tony informs him of the idea as soon as Bruce is gone.

'I need to make sure there will be enough good guys to take care of all that mess,' Tony sighs, remembering the amazing people he employed a few months before Stark disappeared.

He has the access to all SI networks, of course, and check on them regularly, and it always makes him happy to see that this time, he did a good thing trusting his instincts. He needs to make sure he'll leave the world in good hands.

* * *

Friday evening Clint invites Nate for a movie night with him and Phil and Spider Man, since all the other Avengers are out of town at the moment. Tony, against better judgment, decides to go and he's a bit annoyed at himself for craving human interactions like that, as if Nate didn't have his own friends and affairs to take care of.

But he said _yes_ before he could really think about it and then he couldn't really change his mind without being rude or remotely suspicious.

It's the first time Spider Man meets Nate and it goes like this:

'_It's good to see you with my own eyes and be sure you're not an urban legend_,' Nate types quickly and shows Spider Man the tablet.

'I liked those urban legends. Before S.H.I.E.L.D. spoiled the fun,' Spider Man pouts and Nate laughs soundlessly.

'_But now you get free pizza_.'

'I wouldn't have applied if it weren't for the benefits. And stealing living legends' hair strands to duplicate their DNA,' Spider Man whispers into Nate's ear, as if he didn't want Clint to know. Clint is across the hall now, but that doesn't seem to matter.

Nate learns that Phil likes the same old sci-fi movies that Clint does, so that's what they're watching. Phil makes mean popcorn and Spider Man tries to steal all of it, but Clint's eyes are too sharp to miss a single of the younger man's movements. Tony observes them with amusement and wonder, it's a bit different from the situations they usually meet in – much more domestic and calm, even intimate – and he's really happy for them.

'I'm not meeting with them as Nate unless I have to,' Tony states when he's back. Happy is nowhere to be seen which means he's in his room.

'Why is that, sir?' JARVIS asks curiously, lighting the room without being prompted. Tony takes off his shoes and jacket, leaves them by the door and makes his way to the kitchen to get something to drink.

'Remember that time I talked with Happy? It mixes things up. I've got enough to worry about on my plate and I never planned Nate to be in exactly the same spot Iron Man is that often, hell, I didn't plan it at all, and I ended up with them in one environment anyway and that was stupid'

'It does increase the probability of –'

'I know, J,' Tony cuts in tiredly. 'I know.'

'Are you sure keeping those identities separates is worth more than what the relationships you're forming?'

'It's not the matter of happy and unhappy. Nate has a life. A full life I _am_ satisfied with. The Avengers are just… an addition.'

'You cannot just withdraw completely now,' JARVIS reminds Tony softly. 'You're supposed to go over HQ and install the sing language recognition protocols on Thursday, like you discussed with Agent Barton.'

'I know. I'll back away just a bit, though,' Tony replies, shooting a quick smile at the nearest camera. 'Just for a little while.'

* * *

Nate goes back to Nate activities and spends the whole Saturday at Riverside. In the evening Pepper comes over with food and they talk about Stane's trial and Stark International new facilities in Asia that will start operating in a few weeks, so Pepper will leave for some time as she insists on attending each of the openings.

She stays overnight, sleeping in Tony's bed, bus she's gone after breakfast.

Tony goes to Riverside again – all the kids but the three youngest are out visiting some arts fair and then attending a play in one of local theaters, sponsored by one charity foundation or another. Nate stays with Annik and they go to the nearest park and enjoy the calm relaxing time for a few hours.

On Monday, Nate has a transfusion and then in the afternoon a meeting with the team he's starting to work on another medical A.I., then writes a few emails to his S.H.I.E.L.D. team. It takes a lot of time, so the next day he reserves exclusively to himself and spends it in the big workshop, tinkering with armors and staring at arc reactor blueprints for too long.

There is a dinner with Mrs. Linz and a few other neighbors in the evening that Nate is invited to – some kind of anniversary he didn't quite catch, but it's doesn't really matter.

It's good to do what Nate was supposed to do, back when Tony decided to ditch his old persona and become someone new: he's immersed in the small world that he's created around him, safe and guarded, and he's doing all the small things he's been wanting to do, and that's how things should be.

* * *

On Thursday, like JARVIS reminded him, Nate has to go over to Avengers HQ and install the protocols Clint asked him for. It's going to take just a few minutes, the upgrade is simple; he doesn't even have to do it – Ijon would acquire the ability himself – but it would take time and there are other things that the young A.I. needs to focus on right now.

Nate gets to the control room with his laptop and he barely manages to connect it to the house's internal network when he hears an Assemble call for the Avengers coming from all the speakers around the building. The message appears on the laptop's screen, too, and Tony barely remembers not to swear out loud, there could always be someone close enough to hear him.

He needs to go.

It will take him fifteen minutes to go back home and he's suddenly glad that it's been raining since sunrise and he decided to take a car this time.

The one good thing is that everyone is scrambling to get to the meeting room by the Quinjet hangar to get into their gear and grab the weapons before they jump on the jet. They need time to change clothes and it buys Tony a few minutes.

Tony doesn't really have time to wait so he tells JAVIS to install the update remotely, shoves his laptop back into the bag and basically runs out of the house, getting soaked before he gets to the car.

Iron Man catches up with Quinjet when it's hovering over S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ – they are picking Steve and Spider Man from there – and when Iron Man walks inside to meet his teammates, he can tell from the other's faces that this is going to be messy.

'Thor is back,' Steve says, breaking the silence, and everyone stares.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for reading! I wanted to say hello to new followers & everyone who's lurking, it's nice to have you here, I hope you enjoyed this story so far! Special thanks fro everyone who reviewed, your opinions are the most important and lovely thing for me as a writer, so please share what you think and I will love you forever! ;)

There we go, Thor is back! I hope I made you happy with this :d


	18. Long may you run part 8

**Long may you run (part 8)**

Tony is actually the first one to speak because Iron Man is pretty unflappable.

'Where are we going?'

'Oregon,' Steve replies, gesturing at the holographic map displayed behind him. Clint gives it a short glance and sits at the control to set the destination, Quinjet has autopilot option for when they are high in the sky and flying straight so he'll have a closer look later.

They all feel the pull of the takeoff and it's quickly replaced by a slight lightweight feeling they get because the jet is moving so fast.

'What's in Oregon?' Spider Man asks, eying Clint sadly and Tony guesses it's is play to get some snacks since Clint is usually the one to have them hidden everywhere he goes. 'Last time I checked it was just trees. And some more trees.'

'We didn't get much intel, but S.H.I.E.L.D. agents from the state HQ picked out reading similar to those from New Mexico when Phil and Clint were there,' Steve explains, glancing at the screen when the data is presented. 'Apparently a short time afterwards there was some kind of strange energetic interference – it's somehow similar to the one from the Tesseract. Possibly someone trying to visit us from outer space.'

'JARVIS, take care of all messages that might be sent to Nate to the best of your ability,' Tony says, his words not audible to anyone.

'Of course, sir. I will make sure you will not be disturbed during the fight.'

'Thanks, baby,' Tony replies and shifts all of his attention back to Steve and the data.

'… might be another wormhole, but there is no visible sign of that. So far Thor only appeared on the Earth when there was trouble following him and we must assume it will be the case this time. Oregon agents located him and informed that we'll be coming, he seemed pleased and relieved, according to their words. ETA?'

'Three hours two minutes,' Clint supplies from the cockpit. 'Don't rummage through the cupboards, Spidey, I'm gonna get something in a minute,' he adds loudly and Spider Man puts his hands behind his back and tries to look innocent, but he's kind of failing at it.

'I'm sure S.H.I.E.L.D. with have some updates for us before we land,' Natasha says firmly and moves closer to the screen to have a look at the technical data that she might understand better than Captain. Tony does the same and lets JARVIS talk.

* * *

By the time the Quinjet is on the ground, skillfully led by Clint's steady hands, the Avengers have some information about what's waiting for them and it's a monster from outer space.

'Seriously, J, when did I sign up for this shit? I mean, all the ops S.H.I.E.L.D. does, most of them are slimy and all, but this? Outer space? Like, a recurring theme?'

'S.H.I.E.L.D. is known as an agency that takes care of everything too strange and too difficult for everyone else, sir, not only _simple_ homeland security they have in their name.'

Tony rolls his eyes, silently enjoying the A.I.'s sassy reply, and walks out of the jet after Steve. Everyone is in their gear, ready to fight any second now, enough though it shouldn't be necessary: there is only one monster – no one could quite put a name to it and Tony can't help but wonder if it's one of the bilgesnipe things Phil mentioned hearing about from Thor.

Thor made it follow him into one of the less famous Oregon caves, to lead it away from human settlements, and that means they'll be fighting inside, in the dark damp places, and Tony is very, _very_ unhappy about that. Caves don't exactly mean flashback or panic attacks, it was just the first few days after being rescued, but he will _never_ again enjoy the salty scent and mysterious light of crystal caves, not to mention something as anticlimactic as this.

But there is nothing he can do, so he takes a few deep breaths and follows the team inside; Steve says that he can hear a remote noise from deep within and he will lead the Avengers to it. One point for super soldier serum.

'J, remind me to never answer an assemble call again,' Tony grumbles, walking farther and farther into the darkness and trying to ignore the sound of water dripping all around them. 'I'll just stay in bed.'

'I will make sure I remind you those words,' JARVIS replies smugly and then flashes red on the HUD display where the armor's thermographic camera picked up some readings.

'I'm moving,' he tells Steve and then takes off, flying ahead carefully. Someone is following him, not to closely, but it's easy to notice the strange way the person moves, and that means it can only be Spider Man. Tony doesn't know how it works, exactly, but apparently the man has enhanced senses, so Tony isn't worried about him.

It takes him a few minutes to arrive at the place where he finds Thor and the monster-thing – that means the team will take at least twenty minutes to get there – and he only allows himself a second for analyzing the scene before acting because Thor is _underneath_ the creature, probably close to being squeezed to death. Tony isn't sure Thor can actually die he way humans do, but he doesn't want to risk finding out in that particular moment.

Spider Man joins the fight maybe three minutes after Tony and it helps a lot because Tony is too close to being wrapped with the monsters tail. It's something similar to dragon, Tony knows by now, and that's so incredible and freaky that he has hard time believing that whatever's happening is really happening. It's a completely new kind of surreal.

The next few minutes are flashes and bangs and dizziness. The cave is completely dark, the only light is Iron Man's arc reactor but the blue glow it gives away is dim and pale. When Tony fires repulsors and when Thor uses the Mjornil, there space fills with almost blinding light that dies down too soon and Tony has to rely on his HUD to follow the fight. Every single sound, even the tiniest, echoes in the space several times, making the buzz almost painful; Tony is very glad for the helmet providing him some filter, but it'll mean headache anyway.

But that's something to worry about _later_.

Suddenly, Spider Man yelps in pain, the monster's claw grazing his arm, and Tony shoots it in the head and then flies away on top speed to avoid being smashed with the tail.

He allows himself about half a second of distraction to check if Spider Man is hurt too much too fight and to wish the other Avengers would hurry the fuck up because this is getting _bad_, this thing has entirely too many limbs – but the team is still a few minutes away, for sure, eight according to JARVIS – and the fraction of second is enough to get hit with something hard, throwing Tony into a wall like a rag doll.

Then he's deafened by a rumor of the rock crumbling and a very cold shiver runs down his spine because JARVIS shows him in color what's actually happening, and it's part the cave's roof _falling down _in pieces.

Thor manages to drag Spider Man away from the danger, Tony is on the other end of the space, the safe one, so he can see perfectly well how the entrance to the place is quickly being buried with rock. He blinks a few times, but no coherent thoughts come to his mind.

The entrance gets blocked within a _moment_ and Tony stares, not being able to make a move, so JARVIS takes initiative and fires a special enhanced repulsor blast at the monster's head that is temporarily distracted by the mess that's happening around them. It falls to the ground.

'Is the beast dead yet?' Thor asks across the cave, his voice sounding obnoxiously loud, and Tony focuses on the information JARVIS is displaying for him.

'Not yet,' he replies and Thor nods – Tony notices the small movement – and then hits the creature's head with Mjornil. There is a terrible sound of bones being crushed, a blue-white glow – and the monster's body goes limp in a second.

'No heartbeat,' Iron Man's voice says. 'He's dead now,' he adds, somehow surprised by the fact that the alien _thing _even has a heart. 'And we're trapped.'

'That's not what I had in mind when I said I wanted some holiday time. Dark and wet isn't really my style, I totally prefer sandy beaches and margaritas in the sun,' Spider Man comments is his usual manner but his voice lack the strength and he actually hisses with pain when he stops speaking.

'You are both hurt, my friends,' Thor states solemnly. Tony would like to know how exactly he knows that, but it must be one of those Asgardian god things, just like recognizing people's unique signatures. 'Iron Man, can you reach us? We are closer to the entrance to this cave and if we want to get out, it will be our only way.'

'I can,' Tony assures Thor and lets JARVIS fly the suit to where the two other man are. The arc reactor's glow makes their faces visible, distorted in the blue light, and Tony can see Spider Man's heavily bleeding arm _too_ well.

'You need that dressed immediately,' he states, wondering how are they supposed to treat a wound in such dirty and almost pitch-black place, not to mention the lack of proper medical supplies and the fact that Bruce, who is the team's makeshift medic, is on the other side of the thirteen-feet wide wall of rocky rubble.

'Thor mentioned you're hurt, too, Tin Man –'

'It's nothing,' Tony assures them in Iron Man's flat voice, despite the tingling warmth he can feel at the back of his head.

'You have a head wound, sir,' JARVIS apparently feels the urge to inform Tony of the obvious.

'How long before we can get through this wall?'

'It is difficult to estimate, but at least eight hours,' JARVIS replies quickly, his voice quiet and worried. Eight hours isn't _that_ bad. It could be twelve or twenty or three days, or they could be completely buried now and therefore dead. Eight hours isn't bad. Even in a cave.

'You might have a concussion, sir,' JARVIS adds, his voice even quieter. Tony just nods stiffly, wincing at the sudden wave of pain. Okay. Not good at all.

'Let's dress that hand so that you don't bleed out,' Iron Man says, fishing some bandage out of the armor's many secret _pockets_. He might not have a full first aid it on him, but two or three of the most basic things may be useful in any situation. 'Besides, shouldn't you have like eight limbs? If you want to call yourself _spider_?'

'Been there, tried that, didn't work out,' Spider Man comments, obediently rolling up his sleeve over the elbow and revealing a ragged and deep six-inch-long wound. It looks nasty and Tony takes a few calming breaths before he hands Thor the bandage.

'It'll be easier for you to do the delicate work, the armor's gauntlets aren't as mobile as human hands and I can't feel pressure,' Tony says and Thor nods, kneeling in front of Spider Man. The only light is coming from Iron Man's chest, so Tony stands hovering over his two teammates the way that gives Thor can see as much as possible.

'Just a second,' Tony says before Thor starts wrapping the bandage though, a sudden thought jumping into his head. 'Spider man, what are the webs you make created with?'

'It's like – what kind of a question is that? That's one of my big secrets, in case you didn't get the memo,' the younger man replies, glaring.

'I just thought that if it's real spider silk – and I am _not_ going to share this knowledge with anyone – it could have antibiotic properties and help this heal a little bit better. I'm sure you realize it must be infected. By an alien monster and this is not exactly a sterile environment.'

'I heal fast,' Spider Man says, chin up, and then huffs. Tony waits. 'You're right, Iron Man,' he says in the end, making Tony breathe out in relief. 'I didn't think you dabbled in medieval medicine though – let's do that.'

When then wound is dressed with the bandage, as well as it can be done under the circumstances, Tony let's himself sit and lean against a pile of rock, resting his back and his whole dully aching body.

'Do we have communication with the rest now?' he asks JARVIS, staring at the slightly blurry numbers and letters on the HUD.

'No, sir. The beast was giving off unknown energy and it disturbed all long-distance communications. I can scan this room, but I cannot access any satellites or external databases.'

'Fuck,' Tony swears, trying to ignore the headache pounding in his head. He's slightly dizzy and nauseous, it's just a bit worse than what he's grown used to feeling after a bad radiation day but it's worrying because of the wound he's got at the back of his head. 'J, head scan?'

'You do not have any fracture to your skull, sir, nor do I detect any signs of brain swelling. It seems that it is only a concussion,' JARVIS replies, making the word _only_ sound like a joke. 'You are lucky.'

'Yeah, lucky and buried in a cave,' Tony replies, shrugging slightly, and then glances at the mini-clock on the edge of the HUD. JARVIS can detect movement on the other side of the fallen rock, which means the Avengers are trying to get them out, and honestly they should try to dig a bit from the inside, but Tony can't force himself to stand up and work.

Thor is maybe reading his mind because just a second later he speaks up.

'I will try to remove this obstruction, at least partially. You, my friends, rest.'

Tony doesn't nod, that would hurt, but staying silent means a yes.

Thor moves around, his heavy movements echoing in the now-smaller space. He walks into the darkness and Tony stares at the combination of JARVIS' heat readings and the blue light of the reactor reflecting in Thor's armor. The noise of the rocks moving is loud and repeats constantly, making Tony's head pound more and more, so he does sneak a painkiller out of another secret pocket and slides it into his mouth when he's _sure_ no one is looking. Swallowing it dry hurts his throat a bit, but after a few minutes the headache lessens a tiny bit.

It takes a few more minutes before Thor stops. Tony isn't sure why, Thor never gets tired or hurts, not on Earth.

'Iron Man, are you faring well?' he asks, crouching in front of Tony.

'I, uhm,' Tony just says, pretty sure lying to Thor won't work.

'Friend,' Thor says, his face closure to Tony's helmet, in serious but hushed voice. 'I can tell that you are hurting. Are you sure you don't require our aid?'

'I can't,' Tony says truthfully. Spider Man is staring at them. 'Head wound,' he adds because they will be trapped in a cave for at least six more hours – even with the Hulk's help – in the company of a giant dead body from another planet. These things seem to bring people together.

'You do not wish to remove your mask,' Thor concludes, tilting his head a bit and Tony would swear Thor is staring straight into his eyes, hidden by the faceplate.

'Sir, I strongly advise someone take a look at the wound. Also, you should take deep breaths to help yourself with the dizziness. Do you understand?'

'I do,' Tony snaps, closing his eyes. 'I do. I just – I think I need to puke, J. This head thing –'

'You will not hold an antiemetic down at this point,' JARVIS points out before Tony can even think about suggesting one of the magic pills. 'It's an expected symptom of concussion.'

'I'm just –' Tony starts aloud, making Thor and Spider Man's heads turn towards him, but the nausea is too much. 'Sorry,' he adds and lets JARVIS move him on the other end of the cave, flying the armor carefully, so that they won't really see him; as soon as he's standing on his legs again, he tears the helmet off his head as carefully and as quickly as possible and throws up. It only takes a few seconds and then he's kneeling and clutching the helmet too tightly, taking a deep breaths and trying to get rid of the feeling like he's going to suffocate.

'Iron Man?'

Tony doesn't reply because Thor knows Iron Man is Nate and Nate doesn't speak. Instead, he fishes out a tissue and wipes his lips, spitting a few times to get rid of the acidic taste, and puts the helmet back on.

'I'm fine,' he lies, but it's okay. Everyone knows it's a lie.

'I insist that your well-being is more important than your quest to keep your identity secret, my comrade,' Thor says in his booming voice.

'J, will I die if no one checks this fucking cut on my head?'

'You will not die, sir, at least you should not. Nevertheless, it might be beneficial if someone looks at it.'

'An alien god.'

'Or Spider Man.'

'Like that's gonna work,' Tony scoffs. 'Wait, J – do you _want_ me to let the Spidey know that Iron Man and Nate Rives are the same person? Why on Earth would you want that?'

'I never said I wanted it. Your words, sir.'

'Don't sass me now, babe. Why would you possibly want that?'

'… I want someone to take care of you sir,' JARVIS says quietly. There is still almost six hours before someone gets them out. 'You are breathing too fast. You are anxious. If it continues like this you might experience a panic –'

'Don't, J,' Tony cuts is firmly. He already feels like he's taking steps in a different reality and that's enough to deal with right now. And Tony thought caves were not big deal, but it seems that was before he got trapped inside one, he has to admit. It feels like the walls are closing in little by little and it's so dark. Dripping water everywhere, but at least the damp feeling of moist air doesn't reach inside the suit.

'I can reveal my identity if Spider Man does the same,' Tony says finally, not quite sure why he's saying those words. He would never do that under normal circumstances.

'How did _I_ get dragged into – you _knew_?' Spider Man shrieks and Tony can imagine him pointing accusingly at Thor. 'You knew. You know. Whatever. You – ugh,' Spider Man grunts. 'No chance you'll just tell me, free of charge?'

'I think Iron Man proposed a fair trade,' Thor supplies, a smile audible in his voice. 'I would rather you took the deal, young friend. I would feel much more at ease if I knew you both are faring well behind your costumes.'

'I still don't get why do I have to be involved with this,' Spider Man says, sounding almost panicked under the joking attitude.

'Let me assure you that the stakes are high for Iron Man,' Thor says and Tony can imagine the god putting a hand on Spider Man's shoulder.

There is a _long_ moment of silence.

'All right, I'm in,' Spider Man says finally. His words make a cold shiver run down Tony's spine as there is no backing away now. 'I'm gonna know and awe-some secret!'

'And it will stay that way,' Tony says in Iron Man voice, letting JARVIS transport him back to where Thor and Spider Man are. 'We turn around and take off out masks.'

Spider Man nods.

Tony gulps before he takes the helmet off with a hesitant movement, JARVIS telling him that he made the right decision just a second before Tony can't hear him anymore. Spider Man takes his red and black mask off, too, and when they turn face-to-face, they both blink.

'I – I am speechless,' Spider Man – the young man who is Spider Man – declares, staring at Tony-as-Nate with wide eyes. 'I just – you've been around the _whole_ _time_! At HQ and S.H.I.E.L.D. and everywhere! This is – I can't even –' he stops for a second to take a breath and then laughs, his voice echoing painfully. 'You're brilliant, _Nate_.'

Tony just smiles a little and ignores the pang of guilt he feels because he's still not sharing the whole truth, far from it.

'Peter Parker,' Spider Man – Peter – says. 'But you, _Iron Man_, can call me Peter. And then I can call you – no. Ugh. That's actually not that cool because – never mind. I'll call you Nate. You really don't speak then, do you? I guess you don't. A shame. I thought we could talk –'

Tony smirks, taking a modified and Starkphone he always keeps on him, and starts typing.

'_Same as always. Nice to meet you._'

Tony wants to mention something about knowing who Peter Parker is. Tony Stark has been following his research for a few years, admiring it and waiting for a moment Parker would apply for a job for Stark or Stark could ask Parker to come over work for him – but it's not Nate's story to tell.

'Does this have torchlight thingy?' Peter asks, eying the device in Tony's hand curiously.

'_You want to see the monster_?'

'I thought I could –'

'First, we need to aid our friend. Your wound is still seeping blood, Nate,' Thor says, using the name for about third time ever. 'Do you have any more of the medical supplies?'

Tony nods curtly and lets Thor and Peter clean his wound and dress it properly, trying to ignore Peter's inquisitive questions and comments about how bad his scalp looks, covered with dried blood and bruises, visible even on Nate's tanned skin.

Then they talk. Thor talks Peter out of a trip around the beast's body – Tony could never repeat the strange name Thor uses to describe it – and then manages to find fresh water dripping into a tiniest stream in one of the pitch black parts of the cave, so they all drink and it feels cool against Tony's slightly feverish body. He doesn't feel _very_ bad, but the nausea is there and he's not up to walking around either, so he lets himself slump in the suit – he doesn't feel the dampness creeping up on his this way – and listen to Peter's rants. Thor doesn't try to remove any more rocks.

'I will hurt you further. It will not make a difference anyway,' Thor declares. Tony smiles at him, internally grateful for no additional reason to make his head feel even more like it's been split up in two.

Thor brings him more water and Tony drinks it gratefully. There is a supply inside the suits, but it really makes difference when it's a fresh spring one. Peter talks some more, playing with the loose ends of the bandage and looking as if he was ready to jump around.

JARVIS shows Tony the team's progress in getting them free – as much as he can estimate with the limited scanners – and Tony stares at the changing numbers. He throws up one more time and it makes JARVIS panicky and telling Tony that he really needs to see a doctor as soon as possible. Tony knows exactly what that means.

He probably dozes off once or twice, but both times _Peter_ shakes his armored shoulder slightly and squints to see if Tony's pupils are the same size. It would be bad if they weren't, it's one of the most common signs of traumatic brain injury, but it seems to be fine.

The second time he almost panics when he realizes he's waking up in the middle of a fucking cave, but before he can hyperventilate, he feels Thor's big warm hand laying heavily on his shoulder.

'I am here, my friend,' Thor says quietly. 'We will be well.'

Tony nods slightly and doesn't offer an explanation about why he doesn't like caves at all, especially when he's injured and not able to leave. It's enough of a natural human reaction not to need an explanation.

When JARVIS shows it's approximately fifteen minutes before the team should get through the rock, Tony puts the helmet back on and Peter turns back into Spider Man. They wait patiently, discussing what S.H.I.E.L.D. might do with the space dragon's body, if they even manage to drag the limp gigantic thing out of the caves.

The first face to appear on the other side of the blockage is Steve's, of course, and he breathes out in relief when he understands what has happened; his super-eyes let him see pretty well in the dark. A few minutes later the hole is big enough for Tony, Spider Man and Thor to leave the cave and step into the well-lit passage.

'We were worried you were dead –'

'Until we realized the monster thingy would probably roar. Or make some other sound. Basically, give a sign it's alive,' Clint cuts in, grinning at Steve half-apologetically.

'Good to know you're all right,' Steve says even though he did notice the bandage on Spider Man's arm and the droplets of blood on Iron Man's armor. 'We need to get out of here and let S.H.I.E.L.D. take care of this mess.'

Everyone nods and follows Captain tiredly, and soon as they step outside, blinded by the sudden brightness.

'I will leave now,' Iron Man says and walks a few steps away, JARVIS already setting coordinates for Malibu; he doesn't feel like a long cross-country flight at all. The A.I. will call Doc and Pepper and Happy, finally able to connect to the satellites.

'It is all right, Captain. Iron Man was injured and he requires assistance and for the reasons you know of, he decided to leave as soon as possible,' Thor explains, watching Tony with a soft gaze.

'… okay,' Steve agrees, staring at the armor taking off and it's the last thing Tony hears.

* * *

Tony spends the next few days resting in Malibu mansion with Doc who flied to accompany him straight after he got the message. Happy wants to come, too, but it's not necessary and Tony tells him to enjoy his few calm days without his annoying _boss_ because they'll have things to catch up on when Tony is back.

The concussion isn't very bad, the nausea and the dizziness are gone after Tony gets some sleep – with Doc waking him up every two hours to make sure he's doing all right – but the headache stays with him for three days. It's very lazy three days because it's required to rest both physically and mentally, so Tony is banned from the workshop and JARVIS keeps the TVs and computers and Tony's tablet off so that he doesn't strain his brain too much with thinking.

It makes Tony laugh, but it's kind of nice to end up listening to soft music and walking along the shore for hours during the day and at night.

He leaves Avengers a message saying he's okay and he needs a little bit of time to heal up and Steve replies about three seconds later, as if he was actually sitting by his tablet and waiting. He expresses his concern and wishes Iron Man a _swift return to the team_.

'Isn't this absolutely sweet?' Tony asks Doc at breakfast and Doc raises an eyebrow curiously over the newspaper he's reading. Tony can guess he's doing the chess puzzle. 'Steve. He's a worrier just like you guys, seriously, his head is always so occupied with other people –'

'_Our_ heads are always occupied with _you_, kid, since you're a handful,' Doc replies drily, making Tony chuckle.

'I'll be a good boy –'

'You don't know how to be a good boy,' Doc teases. 'Now munch on your breakfast or I'm going to tell Happy that you don't wanna eat.'

Tony rolls his eyes and goes back to enjoying his waffle with fresh fruit, listening to the calm rustle of the newspaper and the faded sounds of ocean waves. The day continues calmly and unobtrusively and when Tony goes to sleep in the Mansion for the last time – radiation starts in two days – he lets himself enjoy the water's murmur coming through the open windows. He is cuddled under several blankets to keep himself warm; it feels so safe and good that he wishes he could just stay here forever.

* * *

Back in New York Iron Man spends half of the next night persuading Steve that's he is fine and chatting about S.H.I.E.L.D. gossip. The beast is being dissected in Portland HQ and only a handful of people should know that but secrets don't really exist in S.H.I.E.L.D.

'I'm glad they will know what the thing was. I was afraid you'd –'

'You said that about seventeen times tonight, Steve,' Iron Man's voice offers, slightly softer than usually. 'We're fine. Stop thinking that.'

Steve nods and changes the subject again. Tony can't stop wondering where Spider Man night be because they could have a talk – but Peter has basically disappeared.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading and all comments! I'd like to say hello to all new followers, I'm so very happy that you're here and enjoying this story. I will love you forever for any kind of feedback, especially on this piece since it's action and some of you may know that I don't feel very good at writing action, so I hope this piece wasn't too bad... There'll be more interpersonal relations in the future so for those who like that more, you have something to wait for, I hope :)


	19. Long may you run part 9

**Long may you run (part 9)**

On Monday, Tony starts radiation again. He spends rest of the day relaxing and working in the apartment's workshop; in the evening, when he feels okay, he goes down for a walk and buys some groceries; Scott is coming tomorrow and they will have a nice dinner that Tony planned with JARVIS.

Doc comes over to check up on Tony and declares that the head wound is healing fine, but still insist Tony have a CT as soon as possible, _just in case_.

'I'm sure Doctor Levy will agree with me,' he adds and Tony nods tiredly. There isn't even lingering headache at this point, but Doc is right: better be safe than sorry.

So the next day after radiation Levy leads Tony to another part of the clinic and he gets his brain scanned and ends ups staring at the pictures with fascination. Everything is fine, there is no swelling or other problems, Tony has just always been fascinated with all this – it might be one of the scientist thing – this is what makes him a genius: his brain. The skill in his hands. Two things no one will ever take away from him, no matter which name he is using.

Of course cancer is very likely to take those thing away from him at some point, but Tony doesn't let himself thing about that.

'And just in case you're wondering,' Levy says when they're still sitting the CT room, 'You're not cycling with us on the Saturday ride. '

'_Please_,' Tony sighs, making puppy eyes at her, but it's more of a game than anything else.

'I'd be reluctant to let you do that in the middle of radiation, after how bad you felt the last time, but there is _no way_ I'm letting you speed for thirty miles a week after a concussion. And you're too smart to argue with me.'

'I guess I am –'

'You can still cheer.'

'… I kind of _not_ use my voice, ya know,' Tony states, shaking his head with theatrical disbelief. 'And no, I'm not gonna handle you your isotonic drinks somewhere in the middle of your ride. Forget it.'

'So –'

'It's Sunday. I'm pretty sure I can figure out something to do on Sunday.'

'You sure you don't want to stick around?' she asks when they are leaving the room and Tony considers; he really wanted to take part in the ride. To raise some money for the very worthy cause and to enjoy himself, but it seems like fate has different plans. And going there to watch other people race and have fun would be kind of bittersweet.

'I'll just go to Riverside, I guess. They always want me around.'

'Sure,' Levy agrees, eying Tony a little unsurely, and opens the door for him.

* * *

Iron Man spends most of the afternoon working on the Chitauri tech with the team, which is fun but pretty exhausting, and when he's finished and leaving the facility, he meets Phil.

Huh. That's unexpected, Tony didn't know Phil was working already, but it's good to see him dressed up in a smart suit and looking sharp and healthy and definitely alive.

'I'm just visiting friends,' Phil offers before Iron Man can ask a question. 'Apparently I won't be going anywhere near field work till the end of the year, but Director Fury said I can expect paperwork to take care of much sooner,' he adds with a crooked smile.

'That sounds like him,' Iron Man comments because he doesn't laugh. 'So, cabin fever?'

'Something like that.'

They stand in the middle of the corridor for a moment, a bit awkwardly, before Phil speaks up again.

'I heard you're doing a great job with the team. They say your input in invaluable.'

'Well,' Tony says, frowning a bit behind the mask. 'I'm a good engineer. And I'm happy to help, I would be a fool not to do my best faced with alien technology completely different from ours.'

'Or alien monsters.'

'I'd prefer not to meet those again,' Tony replies quickly, ignoring the slightly concerned look in Phil's eyes saying _I wonder if you are recovered_. 'Are you headed back?'

'No, I want to stick around for a bit more. Level seven secret stuff.'

'I get it,' Tony nods.

'Also, conspiracy theories.'

'… really?' Tony asks curiously and it almost translates in Iron Man's voice. 'I wouldn't say you're the type.'

'Sitwell is. He's the biggest gossip in the whole agency, and we're in R&D facility so there is some R&D conspiracy going on and it apparently resolves around Stark.'

'Interesting,' Tony says flatly, stiffening a bit inside the suit. 'JARVIS, make sure to have a conspiracy briefing packet about _me_ ready when I get home,' he adds to the A.I. 'Well, I will see you around,' he tells Phil, nods him goodbye and leaves.

It would be nice – and easier – if the whole world would just leave Tony Stark alone, but that's impossible with Stane's trial still on the first pages and all over the internet. Tony only hopes that when there is the final verdict – should be soon – the uproar will die down naturally.

There is one thing that Tony wants to be Stark's legacy, though, and he can't stop thinking about it when he's flying home. He can't just leave behind Stark International – however amazing – and a trial of Stark's misadventures. There is something else and maybe it's time to start working on it.

* * *

Scott comes in the evening and stays until Saturday.

In the meantime, Nate Rives is unreachable to the whole world and Iron Man answers messages but doesn't make any appearances and Tony sleeps too much and works too little but he enjoys the time with Jarvis Junior a lot. That is, after he gets shouted at for getting himself trapped in a cave, wounded, and it's exactly the moment when Tony realizes he didn't even tell Happy or anyone that he revealed Iron Man's and Nate's connection to Spider Man.

He wants to share that with someone but in the end decided against it. It would be a violation of privacy and – it's not even that important. To everyone else.

It's not like someone learned about Stark's connection with them. _That_ would be something impossible to dismiss.

* * *

On Saturday there is a team meeting – Spider Man is not there and he hasn't been around since the mission – and then a training session with Thor, who declared that he's going to stay in Midgard for a few weeks to make sure no more of the beasts come through the _vulnerable_ _rip in time-space_, as Thor calls it.

Tony blinks behind the helmet and stares because he didn't know Thor had any knowledge of astrophysics, whether human or alien. But it looks like Tony underestimated the prince.

Iron Man fights less than normally and lets himself rest more. No one ask questions, probably assuming that the man inside the suit is still recovering from his injuries. That's only half of the truth but Tony lets him assume that's the only reason, it's really convenient.

The next day, Nate spends a few long hours with the kids in Riverside, helping them with homework, playing inside and eating, and when he gets home he's too exhausted to do some real work, so he has JARVIS pull up Howard's blueprints of the big arc rector, turn them into holographic images and he spends the rest of the evening eating snacks, staring at the blue translucent lines and talking science with JARVIS.

'I'll need a different element to power the reactor if we want it to be really efficient and run for long enough without requiring maintenance or exchange of the core.'

'Shall I run the calculations for elements other than Palladium, sir?'

'Do that, baby. And if none of them works – I don't think they will, Hoard would know, but I still want you to double-check – run numbers for all the possible permutation.'

'It is going to takes days, sir.'

'I assume we still have several months,' Tony replies easily, but the sudden silence in the room makes him think that he probably shouldn't have said that. 'Shit, J, I – just do your job, okay? Don't overthink it.'

'Sir, I am not sure I can –'

'You can ignore this and please do so,' Tony cuts in, looking at the nearest camera seriously. 'And I swear the reactor will deserve a Nobel and I'll put your name next to mine when we win it.'

'You surely are still Tony Stark, despite your altered look, sir. No one else could have that ego,' JARVIS comments drily and Tony laughs. The A.I. starts to run the numbers instead of worrying about Tony, so mission accomplished.

* * *

The second week of radiation starts pretty tough again.

Tony knows it's been almost a year since – _since_, but he doesn't exactly let himself think about it much. It's probably not healthy, but at this point he still has time. Enough time. Or he can talk himself into believing that he has enough time, under the circumstances.

He can't stop wondering if he's going to feel worse and worse every time or it's just a _coincidence_. An one-time occurrence. Something.

Iron Man goes to a meeting with R&D and Nate sends a few ideas for the S.H.I.E.L.D. team to consider, but as soon as Tony's done with those duties, he puts on warm clothes and spends the rest of the days sitting in his favorite armchair, snuggled among some thick comforting blankets with a cup of malted milk drink. He lets JARVIS show him the progress on calculations for the arc rector – all the elements failed so JARVIS is working on permutations now – and he plays with the holograms until his arms are too tired to continue.

Pepper is out of country again and Tony is remotely glad because she has enough things to worry about on her plate, with new negotiating new contracts for SI and Stane's trial on the top of her usual CEO duties. They talk on the phone and Tony even manages to get hold of Rhodey for a few minutes. Rhodey is supposed to come back home in November.

But there is always Happy and he's entirely too nice to Tony, bringing him food and sharing gossip and managing Tony's medicine. Happy is okay with helping Tony – he made his decision months ago and he apparently is sticking to it – and that's the only thing that stops Tony from feeling guilty about being looked after like that.

'I'm worried, you know,' Happy says offhandedly when they are finishing dinner, or rather Happy is and Tony is pushing the food around his plate. 'For you.'

'Don't –'

'And I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty or something. We did have that talk about fifty times, right?' he asks, looking at Tony expectantly.

'… right.'

'I'm worried because I've known you for what, fifteen years now? A little more, even, and I know how you function. Whether you wanna call yourself Tony or Nate or that funny metal name,' he makes a small pause, watching Tony closely and Tony can't really guess what this is all about. 'And I'm worried that you won't tell me something.'

'Something?' Tony asks reluctantly, wrapping his arms around the arc reactor protectively. He feels a bit ashamed of the gesture – Happy would _never_ do anything to him – but it's an instinct.

'I don't even know what. Something. That you're not feeling good when I can't notice. That you want one thing or don't want another. That you need to talk about something or just need _something_ –'

'You're not making much sense,' Tony cuts in, raising an eyebrow, but Happy doesn't take the bait. He just sighs and bites his lip.

'I am making sense and you know it, boss. Tony. That's what James calls you, right, a lone gunslinger? You might have opened up a bit because we're living in the same space like frat boys, but that's about it. I wish you would trust me.'

'I trust you,' Tony assures him quickly, but Happy doesn't look persuaded.

'Do you?'

'I'm just –' Tony pauses, casting his eyes down ignoring Happy's stare.

'You are?...'

'I'm just scared, okay?' Tony says, his voice quiet. Happy takes a moment to reply.

'And not talking about it, how does that exactly make things better?'

'It doesn't,' Tony admits. 'It doesn't. But it's easy.'

'It's only gonna make talking more difficult, Tony. Later.'

'So you want me to what, the catharsis thing or something? That's what you'd like?'

'I want you to stop fooling yourself,' Happy says and Tony shivers. It's tough to have the truth thrown at you like that. 'I want you to stop feeling terrified and pretending you're not. I want you to acknowledge that you've been freaked out by getting hurt and feeling bad and that no amount of games and acting can change that, even if Iron Man is a total badass and Nate is just a normal human being. You can't hide behind those personas from what's _inside_ you.'

Tony swallows hard and it takes him a long moment to look back at Happy.

'You're too observant for your own good, you know?' he says, smiling weakly, and then adds, 'I just don't want to – you know.'

'Wanna cry in my lap?' Happy asks seriously, quirking an eyebrow, and Tony scoffs.

'Like the other time?'

'It, ugh, helped with the tension. That other time.'

'I dunno, I just –' Tony stops, frustrated, because he is a certified genius but words seem to be complicated right now.

'All right,' Happy says, stands up and wraps his big arms around Tony's shoulders a moment later. 'Come on,' he adds and Tony follows him onto the couch and does end up crying in Happy's lap and it's easier than he would have expected. And it helps. It makes his head hurt and his throat throb and the arc reactor ache dully, but it helps.

* * *

Radiation ends on 26th. Tony feels good enough to go to Riverside so he spends most of the day there and when he is back at home, JARVIS informs him that there is a message for Iron Man from Thor. Thor says he wants to come over and talk while he is still in Midgard.

Tony sighs. Repeatedly.

'JARVIS, is that a good idea?'

'I am sure you can predicts my reply, sir.'

'Yeah, you _looove_ when I socialize –'

'I just consider contact with humans outside your very limited group of close friends beneficial to your social abilities and mental health.'

'Oh, just cut the sass, J,' Tony scowls, but he's grinning.

'And Thor does know about your identities, sir. So it might be easier.'

'He also has this superhuman abilities that let him know things I'd rather he didn't know,' Tony points out. He's pretty sure if Thor was able to tell he was injures, he must be also able to tell that Nate is ill. Iron Man. Whichever. 'But then, he _is _a prince,' Tony adds, sounding pensive. 'And he's been tactful so far. Really well-mannered, if you ignore the loudness of his voice and the tales about breaking coffee mugs.'

'He is a curious individual,' JARVIS comments smugly because he knows Tony has already made his decision; no matter what he's a scientist first and foremost and he'd never pass an opportunity to study an alien. An alien friend.

Thor comes by Nate's apartment on Monday, bearing a big box with a cake inside, and greets Tony in his booming voice, handling him the cake.

'I did not want to come empty-handed, my friend. The fair lady who sold the pastries informed me that everyone in Midgard enjoying indulging in chocolate.'

'I certainly do,' JARVIS' voice translates Tony's signing and Thor almost jumps. 'Sorry,' Tony adds, smiling apologetically. 'I thought talking would be easier this way then when I write. It's a technology I designed myself.'

'I have seen friend Clint using the same technique at the Headquarters,' Thor admits, looking around the room with his eyes narrowed. 'You have simply surprised me.'

'Sorry,' Tony signs again, unpacking the cake and grabbing plates from the kitchen. Thor follows him, taking in the surroundings with polite curiosity.

'Do no worry. This is most interesting,' Thor says, this time a bit quieter, as of considering the size of the space he's in. 'I did not expect your residence to be so simple,' he adds, eying Tony curiously. Tony puts down the knife he's cutting the cake with and replies.

'This is Nate's house. I will show you Iron Man's place later.'

Thor nods in agreement and they end up eating cake and talking for over an hour. Thor asks if Nate recovered from his head wound and Tony says, truthfully, that he did; there are no further questions about Nate's health and Tony appreciates that. They talk about S.H.I.E.L.D. and Avengers for a few minutes before they start to discuss Asgard and Tony invited Thor to the small workshop.

'I thought small would mean it was small in size, friend,' Thor states, looking around the room that is as big as the rest of the apartment.

'It's just small compared to my other place,' Tony replies sheepishly and shows Thor some neat tricks and the armor. Thor soaks up every bit of information like a sponge and Tony loves that. He himself asks endless questions about Asgard, making Thor laugh at his curiosity.

'You are very alike my beloved,' he declares at some point. 'No amount of answers can satisfy her curiosity.'

'That's what it's like when you study science.'

'I admire the devotion and your skill,' Thor says, playing with one of the holograms delicately, as if he was going to break it. 'Unbelievable.'

'Well, that's my life,' Tony grins, wondering what would Thor say if he knew about JARVIS. JARVIS is still a secret and he will stay a secret because that's what he wants and Tony respects his wishes.

'Your life must be very interesting, friend,' Thor adds solemnly, glancing at Tony with wonder mixed with something else, something Tony cannot really name. 'I am happy to be allowed past meager acquaintance. Friends like you are valuable.'

'Thank you,' Tony signs, not knowing how to respond to that. Thor really does behave and talk like a prince from a children's tale and Tony… if he's from any book, it's a sci-fi one. But they meet in the middle and it works.

'Could you teach me that?'

'What exactly?' Tony asks, suddenly pulled out of his thoughts.

'That sign you do with your hands. The one that means _thank_ _you_.'

Tony smiles, takes a deep breath, and then shows Thor how to communicate in the magical language that is beyond Allspeak's understanding.

Just before Thor leaves, Tony asks him one more question.

'Do you know anything about Peter? He disappeared. I know he informed Captain that he'll be away unless there is an assemble call…'

'I have not heard from him, no,' Thor says with understanding. 'But if I do, I shall contact you. And I will inform our team that we met regarding the Tesseract and that you are faring well.'

'_Thank you_,' Tony signs, raising an eyebrow challengingly.

'_You are welcome_,' Thor signs back, a little clumsily, but it makes them both grin anyway.

* * *

The next day JARVIS finishes running simulations for all the element permutations that could possibly work for the arc reactor, but nothing can replace the palladium and make the device more effective and safer. It was expected, so Tony isn't so disappointed, but he decides that he needs to do some boxing to let out the tension his body has accumulated recently, he's been restless and impatient and he needs to let it go. Clear his head. Then he can think about what to do with the reactor.

'Absolutely no way,' Happy states, looking at Tony with disapproval. 'I'm not boxing you two weeks after you had a concussion. Forget it. You're supposed to be a genius.'

'Well, I can't exactly go for a run,' Tony grimaces; he doesn't trust himself with that after the one time the activity made him feel bad. 'Or a ride,' he adds, gesturing at the rain pouring outside.

'I dunno. I'm not even going to mention swimming –' Happy pauses and grins at Tony's annoyed face, '– but maybe you wanna do some cycling. Indoors. Just wearing yourself out without really moving –'

'That's boring.'

'Well, you could work out and you know, _work_, at the same time,' Happy says smugly and Tony blinks, realizing that Happy is right. Only that they do not have an exercise bike or anything like that. 'By the way, I don't know about you, boss, but I did get some bicycle trainers when I got my Cannondale. In case.'

Tony stares and then laughs and glances at the bikes, standing next to the door as always.

'Bring it,' he decides and goes to change into proper clothing, suddenly not so worried about staying in shape during winter without flying to Malibu to run along the beach like he used to do.

* * *

On October 31st Stane's trial comes to an end.

Tony finds it kind of ironic and morbidly funny, but really he's just glad all the media frenzy will be over soon. Hopefully. There is still no reliable information about why exactly Stane chose to confess after months of trial, he refused to explain himself.

He gets a life imprisonment sentence for treason, illegal arms dealing money laundering, organizing a kidnapping and attempted murder and a few other more minor things. Tony watches the news with determined weird fascination, noticing how Stane hasn't changed at all, how he's still the proud and overbearing man he's always been who shows absolutely no remorse or humility.

Anthony Stark is suddenly some kind of an innocent misguided genius and Tony hates it.

At the end of the transmission, there is one sentence Stane says to the journalists, knowing perfectly well that it's going to be _everywhere_ in a very short time that makes Tony freeze.

'The only person I will talk to is my dear Tony,' he says and it sounds wrong.

JARVIS turns the TV off and forwards a call from Pepper straight away.

'You all right, Tony?' she asks and Tony just laughs. 'I know this is messed-up, but –'

'I don't care why he did it,' Tony cuts in, his words firm and angry. 'I don't want to know. I'm not getting anywhere near him. He wanted to kill me.'

'Of course you won't,' Pepper replies, concern filling voice. 'Do you want me to?...'

'Nah, I know you've got plans for Halloween. You told me, remember? A party with your friends from work. Although I still can't imagine you dressed up –'

'We're not seven, Tony, we don't need to dress up to have a party and drink pumpkin juice cocktails –'

'Well, I'm gonna dress up like Iron Man and eat some gummy worms,' Tony says seriously and Pepper's low laughter fills the whole room. 'That wasn't a joke,' Tony adds, knowing perfectly well that it sounds like one. But it's really not. Only that the two activities won't exactly happen at the same time.

'Are you really going to be fine?' Pepper asks once again. Tony sighs.

'I'm gonna be fine, yeah, I'm not exactly – I need a bit of time to think through this, so. You know. But I'm just glad the bastard won't bother anyone ever again.'

'Okay,' Pepper says, just a tad unsurely. 'Well, happy Halloween then.'

'Happy Halloween,' Tony replies and she ends the call. 'J, do we have gummy worms?'

'I made sure we do,' the A.I. replies promptly. 'About a dozen different kinds.'

'Fun,' Tony replies and digs out the packets from one of kitchen cupboards' drawer. 'Why don't you say what you want to say, J? I know you wanna say something. Come on, entertain daddy.'

'Your imagination is slightly disturbing, sir,' JARVIS states drily making Tony choke on a cola-flavored gummy worm. 'I'm just concerned about you, sir.'

'_Again_?' Tony asks, glancing at the ceiling, and decides to get into the workshop instead of staying in the living room. 'J. Really.'

'I know we avoided this topic, but Mister Stane was your mentor and your father-figure for decades. You might have pulled a gun at him and turned him over to law enforcement, but it doesn't erase all the years _before_.'

Tony sighs.

'So, you wanna be my therapist on this?'

'If you think you need me to be,' JARVIS replies instantly and Tony glares at the nearest camera with _really, J_ written all over his face. 'I wish I noticed something was abnormal with Stark International earlier,' J adds in a quieter voice.

Ah.

'So, I thought that A.I.s think logically and rationally, baby –'

'It was _you_ who created me. Of course I would be different,' JARVIS cuts in. Tony freezes at those words. They have never – okay, they haven't talked sentience for a long, long time, but this is JARVIS admitting outright to _feelings_. Which is awesome and it makes it hard to breathe because it's exciting and exhilarating and incredible, but it also means Tony is hurting JARVIS.

'J –'

'I just know that you are still grieving. For the man you thought Mister Stane was. And everything that is happening right now makes it more difficult.'

'… I should just forget. Him. Everything,' Tony admits, curling up in his armchair. 'I kind of did, when I decided not to be Stark, right? I cut myself off from all that. Nate has made up past. Iron Man _doesn't_ have a past. There is no Stane in either of their stories.'

'You have been very strong, sir.'

'J, don't –'

'I will repeat that as many times as I wish. I can even give you numbers because I researched the psychology behind it scientifically. I can cite you percentages and definitions and give you professional references, sir, but it's not about that. I will not bring you down to number and words and research. You have been very strong and I want you to know that I am very glad it was you who made me and it is you I can live with, sir. And no one else.'

'Lover declarations, J?' Tony jokes weakly, ignoring the warm feeling the A.I.'s words left in his gut.

'You could consider that an interracial marriage proposal, sir, if there were proper laws and if we were not practically married already.'

Tony laughs, the reactor aches a bit but it always does..

'And we kinda have a kid,' Tony adds, nodding to himself with amusement.

'Yes, sir. So can we talk? Honestly? I know you tell me more things that you tell everyone else, but you still leave out too much. I want to listen.'

'Yeah. Let's, hon,' Tony sighs and sinks in the armchair a little bit more.

* * *

The Avengers didn't have pumpkin juice cocktails and if they did, they handled them well because everyone is fresh and ready for monthly meeting and a sparring session. Everyone but Spider Man, he still hasn't turned up and Tony is slightly more worried than the others because he's pretty sure he knows why the man is keeping his distance.

After the usual Cheetos-eating and discussions – including a long one about the cave incident – the training goes smoothly and Tony lets Iron Man have some good physical exercise. It's tiring, despite the suit doing most of the job, but it's a good mellow feeling of satisfied exhaustion resting in Tony's bones at the end of the long session.

Afterwards everyone goes back to their rooms to spend the rest of the day the way they want and Tony takes a few deep breaths and puts a hand on Steve's blue-clad shoulder.

'Can we talk, Steve?' he questions, Iron Man's voice quiet.

'Sure. Roof?' Steve asks, a bit too easily. Tony nods and then follows Captain upstairs.

'I wanted to apologize,' Tony says as soon as they are outside. It's not raining for once, but it's pretty cold and beautifully golden, at least in all the places Tony manages to spot autumn trees. 'For not being around recently. I've been a lousy friend.'

'No, that's okay, you don't have to be around all the time,' Steve says, watching Tony with slightly cocked head.

'No, it's not. When you asked me if we could be friends, I agreed and it was not because I didn't want you to feel bad. It was because I meant it and I haven't been around. You've been worried.'

'I'm always worried, you know that,' Steve smiles a bit and Tony beams under the faceplate. 'I was terrified when we heard that noise and a few minutes later reached that place and the entrance was all a wall of rock, it was – I wasn't sure you were alive.'

'I'm sorry –'

'Don't apologize for what you had no way to influence,' Steve cuts in and it's almost the same thing that JARVIS told Tony a good few months ago. 'It happens, in our line of work. And it will happen. I understand.'

'So you're not angry?' Tony questions, pacing slowly across the roof while Steve stays in the same place and follows Iron Man's movements.

'Oh, I am. A bit. It's – it's like you don't trust me.'

'I do trust you,' Tony declares firmly. 'I really do. With my life,' he adds and then pauses for a moment. He feels an urge to be honest with Steve and explain his behavior. 'It's just the way I am. Me. Under the suit. That's what I do: I run.'

Somehow, JARVIS puts the same conviction and honesty that Tony speaks with into Iron Man's voice and Steve's face just _melts_.

'So, you becoming a superhero is just running, too?' he asks, walking up to Tony who freezes and standing eye to eye with him.

'You caught me,' Iron Man says, but doesn't take a step back.

'I did the same, in a way,' Steve says, stepping even closer to Iron Man and staring straight at the helmet, as if he wanted his eyes to penetrate the dark polymer that shields Tony's eyes. 'I hope we'll be able to stop running at some point. All of us.'

Iron Man nods and wants to say something, but he's at loss of words so the strange silence stretches between him and Captain for several long moments. Then Tony suddenly realizes that Steve's strong hands are wrapped around Iron Man's wrists tightly but when he looks down, Steve lets go of him and steps back.

'I better go,' Steve says, balling his fists and not looking at Tony.

'Steve –' Tony starts, but Captain doesn't let him talk.

'I better go,' he repeats and disappears inside the building.

It takes Tony a few minutes to process what's just happened and then he takes off and flies above the city and the ocean until he can breathe properly again.

* * *

**A/N:** Beta by amazing dri-dri93 3

Thank you for reading - I hope you enjoyed this part and the small mysteries ;p As always reading your thought will make me very happy!


	20. Long may you run part 10

**Long may you run (part 10)**

The next day Tony sleeps in – he came back home around 3 a.m. – and once he wakes up, he stares at his breakfast as if it was a disguised alien, because his brain is still pretty much focused on yesterday. He wishes he knew what Steve was thinking and he's torn between surprise and worry about Iron Man's _friend_. He knows Steve is still having a hard time adjusting and maybe – maybe he wanted to say something or to ask something, but he was afraid to.

Tony realizes he probably won't know; Steve seemed pretty determined to run away and pretend nothing happened. He can't stop thinking about Steve, alternating his thoughts between yesterday and the arc reactor problems, while he takes the metro to the clinic. Time for his usual blood tests.

It takes only five minutes to get the blood drawn and Tony spends maybe five more exchanging _hellos_ with some of the people he recognizes from radiation before disappearing outside. It's pouring rain but somehow it feels right and pleasant, the greyness and slight strange mist filling the streets and making the world seem soft and just peaceful. Tony walks a few miles until his feet hurt and his trousers are soaked up to knees.

'You are all wet,' Happy observes when Tony enters the apartment, leaving his coat and umbrella by the door and struggling to take the shoes off.

'Brilliant observation skills,' Tony mumbles and then jumps a bit when something hits his head, something light and fluffy. 'Geez, thanks,' he sighs, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders, and disappears in the bathroom to take a long warm shower before going back to his everyday work.

Saturday is Riverside time and Tony ends up going with some of the oldest kids to a science museum and they come back bearing gallons of ice cream for everyone and eat it instead of something more substantial for an afternoon snack. Everyone loves it despite the weather: it's getting cold and windy and not very pleasant, but they are protected from the world by thick brick walls of the building.

Monday morning Tony is back on the subway taking his almost an hour long trip to the clinic and staring at people.

It's almost as fascinating as that one time he went to the biggest supermarket in the world – or it felt like it: he knows he shouldn't be surprised by all those little everyday things he never got to do as Stark, but it all is just so perfectly mundane. Simple. There are no aliens and no terrorists and no people dying all around: people read books on their e-readers, listen to music, talk or just sit and stare at everything around like Tony does.

It feels good not to be a superhero sometimes.

Tony spends his transfusion time tapping on his tablet with his free hand, adding some finishing touches to an algorithm he's been working on for reading the alien technology's energy output – most of the tools they've tried to use were just too vague and easily interrupted and they do need very detailed readings to work on understanding the magic, magical science, whichever, that makes the weapons run.

Back at home, he finishes the job and sends the message to his S.H.I.E.L.D. team, eats lunch with Happy, and disappears to the big workshop to get some upgrades installed for the suit's powering systems. A typical day.

The illusion doesn't last long though because Iron Man is called to Mexico for a quick mission involving some more terrorists – that's getting really annoying, but Tony still prefers it over aliens – and it takes him a day to come back and get some rest before Nate is supposed to check up on Ijon and _hang around_, probably, although it wasn't written in the official invite of an email that Clint sent him.

'Hey, Nate,' a female voice greets Nate as he enters the Avengers Mansion and he can't help but frown and look around. There aren't many women that are acquainted with Nate, not really, unless he would count elderly citizens and kids, so this is unexpected.

'_Hello_,' he signs into the space, taking off his coat and shoes and stepping into the bigger corridor.

He finds Clint sitting on a windowsill at the end of the hall, drinking something disturbingly green-colored.

'Like this?' Clint signs and the female voice translates his words instantly and Tony blinks and then snickers soundlessly and pats Clint's shoulder amusedly. 'I'm trying out the features. Since you kinda ran out the last time, just like us, and there were no instructions.'

'_Are you trying to make someone annoyed with you_?'

'Phil's life is sooo boring right now,' the voice says, prolonging the _o_ and making it sound really high-pitched. 'He's been getting out a bit recently but he's been an army man all his life and he can't stand sitting in one place, even after a serious surgery.'

'_Guess I understand_,' Tony signs back, winking at Clint, and then gestures at him to follow to the control room. They stay there for themere fifteen minutes that Tony needs to pretend to check everything he'd have to check if he didn't have JARVIS doing that for him, and when he stands up, Clint clasps his hands and smiles.

'Stay for a movie? It's just me, Phil and Bruce today.'

Tony hesitates for a moment, but then he did expect this, so in the end he signs _yes_ and lets Clint lead them to the leisure room. Phil is already there when they enter, sitting on the floor and browsing through big selection of DVDs on one of the shelves – Tony wonders whose idea it was to actually purchase the physical copies instead of having them online, but it seems like it's somebody's collection – and he looks strangely un-Phil-like. Clint ruffles his hair affectionately, gaining a glare from Phil.

'Hey, Nate. Nice to see you. Bruce is still in the kitchen, he's making popcorn –'

'_I'll help him_,' Tony signs and leaves the room, giving a moment of privacy to the two agents. If he didn't have the blueprints of HQ embedded in his brain, he could only follow the buttery scent to find Bruce.

'Hey,' Tony signs and Ijon verbalizes it for him without being prompted; that's something he's been learning from JARVIS. 'Clint invited me to stay and I thought I could help?'

'Nate, good afternoon – nice to see you,' Bruce says with his usual small shy smile. Tony almost hears _we haven't really heard from you in a few weeks_, because Tony mostly disappeared during October, but Bruce it too tactful to mention that.

'Can I help?'

'Do you know how to make caramel?'

'Yes,' Tony signs decisively, suddenly remembering his first kitchen experiments with Jarvis; making caramel was like a miracle when he was a kid, you could observe the change in structure and color and all the little details.

'Here's fleur de sel,' Bruce says, pushing a small paper tub into Tony's hand and turning around. 'We like the salted kind.'

'Sure,' Tony signs and takes off his shirt, staying only in a t-shirt – he's made sure the rector is covered so that no one can ever see its light; the kitchen is warm and if he'll be making caramel, he'll be hovering over the oven for a good few minutes.

'What's that?' he hears Bruce ask, the man's voice suddenly close, as he's placing the sugar-filled heavy bottom pan on the oven.

'What?' he asks, turning around to see that Bruce is just two steps behind him, eyes fixed on something on the level of Tony's navel.

_Oh._

So maybe this doesn't look too good because there's a huge dark blue bruise in the crook of Tony's arm where the IV cannula was inserted, and his other arm is still presenting a few fading needle marks from blood drawing – and Tony hasn't noticed. He should have, it's such a silly thing – it should have ached, but between Tony's headaches and the reactor and getting beaten up by bad guys, aremotely painful bruise is nothing, and then he's been busy with mission and all that.

It means a slip-up and Tony is _not_ happy.

'Nothing,' he signs and mentally beats himself for taking the shirt off. Silly mistake. _Problems_.

'Nate, there are about two possible reasons for this – either you're doing drugs or you've undergone some medical procedure –'

'I'd rather not talk about this,' Ijon translates for Tony – that's the truth – and Tony turns back to his pan and staring at the melting sugar, but of course Bruce is persistent.

'You make me worried,' he says and Tony lets himself sigh. 'I don't want to mother you or anything, but you're skinny and you always look tired and now this –'

'How about all those time when you see me and I'm fine?'

'I don't see you that often –'

'Drop it. Please,' Tony adds after a second of hesitation and Bruce's frown deepens, but he finally gives Nate a sharp nod.

'I'm not really a doctor, but if anything is wrong, you can always come to me,' he says in the end, taking off his glasses and pocketing them, and then goes back to the popcorn machine. Tony kind of wants to disappear because this is a bit more than he's bargained for, the closeness and the concern, but it would be even more suspicious.

Or that's what he tells himself when they sit down on the big sofa, Nate in his trademark plain shirt and ignoring Bruce's subtle glances, and watch_ 2001: A Space Odyssey._

Tony tries not to overthink the _Bruce issue_ when he comes back home; he walked from HQ and it's almost midnight when he finally sneaks under the warm covers of his bed. Tomorrow is just another twelve hours of work that Tony is itching to do, and the day after tomorrow Rhodey comes back and Tony will see him for the first time in _months_.

* * *

'Sir, I am not sure it is wise to focus your thoughts on an arc reactor powered building when you are aware that such a big unit would not be cost effective, not to mention it would lack in power –'

'Could you please stop being so nice to me, J?' Tony interrupts the stream of JARVIS' words, still turning the holographic arc reactor in his hands. 'You're always so polite when you're not sassing me –'

'You should be resting.'

'Come on, J, I've been here for nine hours only and there's still _so_ much to do –'

'There always is –'

'– and it's better than thinking about other things.'

'… It's time for your medicine, sir,' JARVIS adds and Tony can swear the A.I. sounds positively smug.

'Couldn't you just say so?' he grumbles and obediently swallows the pills that fill his _Tuesday_ part of the dispenser. 'And I want to do some things in advance, mother hen. Rhodey will be annoyed if I drag him here and spend all the time working instead of arguing or getting drunk – scratch that, I guess we have only arguing on the list –'

'And sushi.'

'And that, smartass,' Tony agrees and even eats a big nutritious sandwich before going back to work, with his favorite playlist filing the vast space, and he silently worries about JARVIS the same way the A.I. worries about him. Tony can't stop marveling at that because even he himself doesn't really understand JARVIS completely.

* * *

Tony greets Rhodey with his usual "_Platypus!_" but he has the decency to wait until Rhodey closes the doors behind himself. They need to meet in private spaces since Tony doesn't want people to get suspicious about someone who is suddenly buddy-buddy with both of Stark's closest friends – Happy is an exception here, no one really looks at Happy and usually it's a big advantage.

'You look –' Rhodey starts, but seems unsure, so he takes off his coat and shoes and then stares at Tony for a moment. 'You look tired,' he finally decides and Tony rolls his eyes; when doesn't he look tired? It's been a thing since he was in MIT. And every time he looks not-tired is either make-up or digital manipulation. 'Also, you look like _Nate_.'

'No shit,' Tony huffs and then wraps his arms around Rhodey in a quick hug. 'Good to see you.'

'Good to see you too,' Rhodey replies, looking around and taking in everything that has changed since the last time he was here. 'But it'll be better if you tell me we're watching a movie, I missed like five months of premieres and I need some mindless sci-fi action _badly_.'

'I've got a whole marathon prepared – and we're alone for now, so no one is gonna disturb us or something. Let's just grab the food and we're ready.'

'Sure,' Rhodey agrees, putting his bag down by the door and following Tony into the kitchen.

* * *

Sometime in the middle of the third movie, Tony falls asleep on Rhodey, just like good old time in college – only minus booze. When he wakes up it's still dark, he guesses he was out just for an hour or less; the screen is all black and there is no other noise in the room than his and Rhodey's mismatched breaths and a soft hum of the city outside the building.

Tony just knows that Rhodey is not asleep, he's had enough practice in his life to be able to tell that in a fraction of a second.

'What you thinking about?' he asks, keeping his voice hushed so that it doesn't sound too loud in the calm space.

'You,' Rhodey replies with a tense strain to his voice. He's worried. He's always worried around Tony, well, unless he's drunk or laughing. But Tony seems to do that to people who know him too well for their own good.

'You always think about me, I'm irresistible, I thought we've been through that,' Tony says easily, falling back into the familiar pattern of slightly mocking but friendly speech that he doesn't get to practice enough these days. 'What exactly did I do this time?'

'I don't want to go away for another mission,' Rhodey replies, still looking somewhere far above Tony's head.

'Rhodey, honeybear –'

'I don't want to disappear for a few months and then pop in for a few days,' Rhodey continues, ignoring Tony completely. 'I don't want to go away and then come back and see how much you've changed. I don't want to see you changed, all right? That's selfish of me and probably pretty insensitive to mention all this stuff, but it's just wrong to – to come back to this –'

'Have I really changed that much?'

'Gosh, I don't know,' Rhodey chuckles nervously, shifting slightly to pull his legs up on the sofa. 'I guess I just wasn't around you enough since – since all of this happened and maybe I was hoping that when I go through those doors, everything will be like it used to be.'

'Even if I stop this game, nothing will be like before,' Tony says, doing his best job at ignoring he hollow feeling in his gut when he says those words.

'And I feel like a total asshole because this must be so much more difficult for you than for me and I just come here and drop all my shit on you and expect a miraculous answer that would suddenly make everything right,' Rhodey says and then laughs drily, but there is no trace of amusement in it; it's almost as if he was trying to choke something down. Tears, maybe. Tony's been there.

'It's fine. I'm dealing,' Tony assures him, no need to use more words, no need for psychology or elaborate sentences or anything. Rhodey understands him more than Tony himself does sometimes. '… have I changed?'

'I guess it's little things I wouldn't have noticed if I saw you more often than once every few months,' Rhodey replies and then pauses for a moment. 'I guess – you look less tired, paler, more… fragile maybe, but less tired than after the Chitauri. And looks like you're even thinner than the last time, but it might be just my imagination.'

'Mhm,' Tony hums noncommittally; Rhodey doesn't have to know that Tony did lose more weight to Doc and Levy's vehement disapproval.

They stay in silence for a few more minutes before Tony sits up and stretches his back in soft practiced motion.

'You wanna sleep on the sofa all night?'

'I could use your thousand-dollar mattress,' Rhodey replies and Tony's pretty sure he's smirking, even though he can't see that.

'Come on then,' Tony commands and Rhodey follows him into the bedroom with a blanket still wrapped around his shoulders like a cape.

* * *

'I'm going to request a transfer to New York,' Rhodey tells Tony a few days later when they're making breakfast. It's Saturday so Tony is leaving Rhodey with Happy and going to Riverside for a few hours.

'What?' Tony asks, turning around from the stove so fast his head almost spins.

'What I said?' Rhodey replies with a quirked eyebrow. 'Look at the pan, I don't want my French toast burned.'

'I think I know why you'd do that, but why would you do that?' Tony questions, his attention obediently back to the pan and the food he's making. 'You love active duty and here you'd be doing some boring jobs that would make you sick after a week –'

'There's a position I could get if I wanted. It's something like before –'

'Like when you were a liaison to SI?'

'– yes, it's weapons, I've had enough experience dealing with your arms that I could take over negotiating weapon contracts with everyone we're working with. It's a really big thing – it would still involve lots of travelling to places and to presentations and all that, but I'd be stationed _here_.'

'You don't have to –' Tony starts, even though he knows what Rhodey will say.

'I want to and you have no say in this,' Rhodey declares predictably. 'Besides, I could use a break from all those deserts and mountains and the sun.'

'Winter in New York is awful.'

'Everything cold seems nice after Iraq.'

'… I guess it does,' Tony agrees with a shrug, thinking briefly about how he missed snow – and he doesn't even like snow, there was a reason his house was built in California – when he was in Afghanistan. 'The food's ready, grab the cinnamon sugar and sit down, cupcake,' he adds, sliding the French toast onto plates.

* * *

Rhodey stays until Wednesday, even if he wants a transfer, he's still working for his army bosses and they seem to think that a week of holidays is enough after a long mission. Tony doesn't get as much as he'd like done but that's typical; he's probably just aiming too high. They both spend lots of time in the big workshop, Rhodey helping Tony with whatever he can, bonding over engineering like they used to do in MIT. Rhodey doesn't really possess any of Nate's skills so Tony leaves those jobs aside for now and teaches Rhodey how to fly in an Iron Man suit instead.

Being around Rhodey is as natural as breathing and when he's gone, Tony feels like he needs to fill his time with something _more_, so he buries himself with work and goes out with Annik and her three youngest and has Doc come over for dinner. The next Saturday he goes to Riverside – they are used to weekly visits now – and on the train ride home he has this brilliant idea he can't believe he hasn't thought of before.

'JARVIS,' he calls the A.I. as soon as he greets Happy and disappears inside his small workshop. 'I need you to make a note and add it to our list.'

JARVIS knows, of course, which list Tony is talking about, he always knows everything, so he doesn't ask and waits for Tony to elaborate.

'I figured out what to do with you, guys, and seriously, I've been so stupid thinking about anything else,' Tony adds, gesturing at his bots to come over and they are by his side in a moment, good little kids. 'I want you to stay with uncle Rhodey when I won't be around, all right? Can you do that and be good boys?' he asks, keeping his voice as impassive as possible, but it's proving difficult because they're making those sad quiet chirps as soon as he says _won't be here_. 'You're all too smart for your own good,' Tony adds, patting the three bots on their _heads_ and still not moving from the spot on the floor where he's kneeling.

'I believe they will be as comfortable – given the situation – as possible with Colonel Rhodes,' JARVIS comments quietly and Tony really hopes so, but he doesn't have to say that aloud.

'Rhodey will take the best care of you,' Tony says softly, rubbing the bots' sensors for a moment longer, and then he stands up. 'But enough slacking for now, fellas. We still need to do some reverse engineering before daddy disappears to get his fuel.'

* * *

Tony is tired and he knows he should sleep but he really can't, it feels like his mind is working too fast for his body to keep up and maybe that's exactly what is it.

'Maybe getting some fresh air would help you sleep, sir,' JARVIS says sometime around midnight, two hours after Tony decided to call it a night and then tossed and turned in his bed.

'What am I, five-year-old who needs to get his playtime outside to be tired enough not to bother his mother in the evening?'

'Sometimes I wonder, sir,' JARVIS replies smugly and Tony shakes his head in disbelief. Really, he should have been smarter than to make an A.I. that would talk back to him – no, not really. They both love this.

'What do you say for a therapy session, hmm?' Tony asks, quirking an eyebrow at the nearest camera as he gets out of the bed and opens his wardrobe to look for some warm clothes.

'I am always available,' JARVIS declares. 'If you need me.'

'Guess clearing my head won't hurt,' Tony muses, putting on a warm pullover and fishing his gloves out of a drawer.

'It would be beneficial if it helped you sleep, sir, as tomorrow –'

'I've got a sparring session with my misfit team, yeah, I remember.'

'Are you sure you feel physically fit to take part it in, sir?'

'We've been there,' Tony sighs, wrapping a scarf around his neck and them putting a ridiculous thick woolen hat that makes his head look gigantic; Pepper insisted he need one – _since you're playing this game and it means you're still shaving your hair off, your head must get cold, right? _– and he has to admit it's really warm.

Then Tony puts on big wireless headphones over the hat and places his Starkphone in the pocket of his thermal jacket and he's ready to go.

'Glad you fancy being mobile,' he tells JARVIS as soon as he's out in the streets; it's dark and surprisingly quiet for a Saturday night in New York City, but that's probably the weather's fault. It's cold, luckily with zero snow, and there's a moist bone-chilling wind that Tony is protected from by his almost-Arctic clothing.

'Have you been thinking about Colonel Rhodes again?' JARVIS asks and Tony has to verbalize a _yes_ since the A.I. can't see him nod; JARVIS really can read his mind.

'I'm glad he'll be around more,' Tony confesses. 'I – we're not really around each other all the time, you know? And it's been fine. That's how we function. We don't have to be around all the time. It's cool. But I – you know, I'd like to see him more than five times in my life… Gosh, that sounds depressing,' Tony adds, shrugging a bit, but it's the truth: if Rhodey was to leave on his missions like usual, he's see Tony a few times a year. No more.

And there just is no time.

'Sir, I think –'

'I know, J,' Tony mumbles, speeding up a bit and taking big steps across the pavements of Manhattan; it feels good to move. To be a part of the moving city. To be a part of – all of this, everything around. To still be here. 'It'll be a year in a few weeks.'

'A year?'

'Since I got my diagnosis,' Tony explains, spitting the last word out because it sounds wrong. 'My sentence.'

'Please do not say things like that, sir,' JARVIS objects, of course he does.

Tony just snickers, pushes his gloved hands deeper into his jacket's pockets, and adds, 'Let's go over my to-do list. No time like present.'

'As you wish,' JARVIS agrees and starts to recite the list.

* * *

Tony wakes up at nine, just an hour before the team meeting is scheduled, after sleeping for six hours straight. Happy is already waiting with breakfast when Tony gets out of his bedroom after a shower, wrapped with a dressing gown.

'Long night?'

'Late night,' Tony corrects with a small smile. 'Have I ever told you you're an angel for putting up with my shit and making me food?'

'You might have mentioned the second reason,' Happy muses, putting a plate of scrambled eggs into front of Tony. 'I like it when I have your money to buy Kobe beef for a Sunday dinner.'

'Good to have something to come back home to,' Tony declares with a straight face, but then offers Happy a quick smile and digs in; there isn't much time left.

As soon as he's eaten, he puts on his newest armor and makes his short flight to the HQ. When he enters the training room, he almost freezes, but makes himself act naturally because otherwise it could be suspicious.

Spider Man is there, for the first time in a month and a half.

Tony, of course, made sure to check up on Peter Parker and he knew the man was going to work normally and everything seemed to be fine on his end, but it's good to finally _see_ him, in his usual Spidey costume and apparently arguing with someone already.

It's also the first time Iron Man meets with Captain since that scene two weeks ago and Tony isn't sure how should he act.

'Iron Man, good to see you, Thor will be here in a minute and we can begin,' Steve says, gesturing at Tony to come inside the training area, and Tony silently agrees to this: _let's pretend nothing happened._

He still isn't sure what did happen, anyway. So this he can do.

'Greetings, my friends,' Thor's voice booms in the vast space a moment later, before Tony even manages to say hello to everyone else. 'It is good to see you all again. I am prepared for this training meeting, Mjölnir has been eager to fight again.'

'Let's do this, folks, like we discussed the last time,' Steve orders and everyone get into positions; they were working on team strategies for some time and every absentee was briefed, so now they only need to perfect the sequences in real.

Tony is not a violent man and neither is Iron Man, but he hasn't been really boxing and when he was, it wasn't as intense as he'd like because of the reactor and getting otherwise banged up, so the chance to work off his energy in a safe and efficient way is very welcome.

As always, it leaves him exhausted by the end of the day – the training lasts a full six hours with one longer break. Everyone is here and it's the first time in months so they want to make as much as possible out of this session.

Tony doesn't exchange more than strategy opinions and a few random words with Steve and Cap doesn't seem eager to talk when the training is finished so Tony decided not to push him – he's been getting too much into everything, right, with both Nate and Iron Man, that's what he decided – but before he can leave HQ, someone else catches up with him.

'I've been an ass,' Spider Man says, his voice sounding almost remorseful. 'Shouldn't have disappeared on you.'

'I understand that,' Tony replies truthfully, he's done the same things enough times. 'I just hope it wasn't because you thought you couldn't trust me.'

'Nah, man, you're a superhero, we've got trust rules, don't we?' Peter laughs, his voice a bit tight too reassure Tony that it's all fine. 'I just had – can we take this talk elsewhere?'

'Don't you trust Ijon?' Tony asks back, smiling at JARVIS behind the faceplate.

'I don't trust super-hearing, and well, I've been in the superhero business longer than you and I know best it's _good_ to be super-extra paranoid.'

'I bet you do,' Tony agrees and has Spider Man go with him to the big workshop, giving JARVIS a quick command to get rid of everything that might shout _STARK_. Well, everything besides Stark tech because it's the best and everyone uses Stark tech; most of Tony's machines and supplies are prototypes or handmade so they don't have the SI logo anyway.

'This will do,' Spider Man declares when Tony closes the door behind them, the noise echoing through the big room. 'Man, you've got a fantastic collection of toy– of about everything,' he comments excitedly, making is way through the room with a slightly alarming speed, still in his suit. 'Figures, you made the armor yourself, you'd have – is this a particle accelerator, in the corner?'

'Yes,' Tony replies, Iron Man's voice carrying the amusement perfectly. 'Look,' he adds and as soon as Spider Man's eyes are on him, he gives JARVIS a command to take off the suit.

'Holy – fuck, that's amazing,' Spider Man sighs, suddenly three steps away from _Nate_. 'Do it again? Pretty please?'

Tony raises his eyebrows with amusement but Peter seems to be serious, so he gives in and had JARVIS put the armor on and off again; it's routine for Tony, something he's done like a million times by now – he is still perfectly aware how futuristic the whole suit is and how impressive it looks.

'Has anyone seen this before?' Peter asks, running his hands over the armor's surface.

'A few very close friends,' Tony replies truthfully and Peter turns around faster than any human could at the sound of Tony's voice – only to see Tony smiling apologetically.

'I created the system, you know that already,' he signs and JARVIS speaks it out for him in real time. Tony is pretty sure Peter's face falls behind the mask.

'How come Iron Man speaks normally when you – when you don't –' he trails off, gesturing at Tony's hands.

'Magic,' Tony replies and laughs hollowly. 'No, not really. Science. Though at this level most people would probably call it magic.'

'As in?' Peter prompts, dividing his attention between the armor and Tony.

'A combination of things,' Tony signs, teasing the younger man and imagining his scowling face. 'Come on, I'll show you,' he adds and Spider Man follows to the far corner of the 'shop where Tony works on his medical projects for future use for SI. When he stops and looks over his shoulder, Peter is standing there, mask off, looking pretty funny with his head sticking out of the costume of the most notorious superhero. 'Bathroom's there if you want to change,' he says, gesturing at a door on his left, and Peter disappears for a few minutes during which Tony strolls around the room and smirks at every sign of JARVIS' _hiding Stark _intervention. Good thing that Tony has some robots at the A.I.'s disposal, to act as JARVIS' arms – they are gone now, too, probably sitting nicely in the backroom.

'So what's the magic?'

'First, we used lip reading, tapping, codes, eye control – I'm sure you're familiar with all of them –'

'And now?'

'Have you ever played virtual ping pong with just your brain?'

'Like those _think left and it'll move to left_ games they have at science fairs for kids?'

'Like that,' Tony confirms, taking one of the prototype helmets in his hands and inviting Peter to sit down with one meaningful glance. When Peter is seated, Tony carefully places the helmet on his head and signs with his now free hands, 'I just brought it to a higher level. I think a sentence and I say the sentence via synthesizer. This might not work perfectly because it needs to be calibrated to every person specifically, it has my data in, but try.'

For a moment nothing happens and Peter looks as if he was wondering if he's in a science fiction movie, but then he blinks, shakes his head with the slightest delicate move, and Tony wants to laugh at Peter's amazed face when it _does_ work.

Tony knew it would, he tested it with Doc and Happy, but a little suspense is always good, right?

'I don't think it's going to work,' JARVIS synthesizes in a voice almost perfectly mimicking Peter's. 'It _is_ working!'

'Of course it is,' Tony scoffs, seating himself in the other chair. 'I don't speak and I'm a scientist, therefore it's just natural I create this.'

'No one managed before,' the fake-voice says. 'I thought you were a programmer.'

'I'm many things,' Tony declares. 'Want to see more?'

'Yes very much,' Peter says, now with his real voice, and JARVIS doesn't bother to double that. 'So when I say something aloud, something I'm thinking too, it doesn't get synthesized? How did you do that?'

'I'm smart,' Tony laughs soundlessly and enjoys Peter's eyes lighting up with curiosity.

Having decided to tell Spider Man the Iron Man/Nate deal suddenly feels like it was a really good idea.

* * *

The next morning Tony gets out of bed early and leaves for the clinic around seven a.m. The radiation is its usual ten minutes plus some more for _chatting_ with random strangers. As soon as Tony is done, he goes back home to finish a piece of a code for the response system that Nate is still working with his S.H.I.E.L.D. team on, and probably will be working for a few more weeks.

When Tony is done with this chunk of work it's lunchtime, so he gets himself some pasta salad in a bistro near his workshop and then sits on one of abandoned benches of a tiny green space square that is proudly called a memorial of something, he didn't pay enough attention to remember. Sitting outside and eating lunch doesn't seem to be the thing in 42°F so he gets some stares from passersby, not that it matters; it's nice to observe people even if it means being observed, too.

Being stared at in such a simple curious way is nice. Not being _stared_ at for being some kind of a gone-wrong celebrity. At least now when Tony smiles when he meets someone's eyes, they usually smile back and not snap a photo.

As soon as Tony is back in the workshop, JARVIS speaks up.

'An email just arrived for Nate, sir. It is from your team reminding you that the Inventor's Award you won for unit RS-10 will be presented to you on Saturday evening. Doctor Green is asking if you are sure you will not be able to attend.'

'I won't be there, let him know,' Tony says, remembering the message about the award he got some time ago, around that mess time involving an alien monster. 'Also, we really need to name that thing something nice –'

'I am not sure the team would appreciate your penchant for names, sir,' JARVIS replies smugly, the email already sent – Tony screen flashes with an alert – and adds, 'If you continue in a similar way to your name ideas up to now.'

'Dummy knows his name is a term of endearment –'

'As he knows that you threatening to dismantle him and make a wine rack out of his parts is just a way of showing your affection, sir.'

'Just wait until I add a virus to your code and turn you into a bad computer game, J. Like, 80s-style snake game –'

'You love me too much to do that, sir, so I feel quite safe.'

'You know me too well,' Tony shakes his head and then glanced up at the work-for-today list on the top of the screen. 'Ugh, do I really need to work on those power conversions? It's booring, J,' he whines, perfectly aware that it was himself who made the list.

'I am sure the bots would enjoy some time with you and WALL-E, sir,' JARVIS comments and Tony makes effort not to groan.

'You know what, J? I love them, but sometimes they are more than I bargained for,' Tony declares, sighing, and waves at JARVIS to present the energy output for the suit on the holographic screens.

'All children are, sir,' JARVIS replies in a soft voice and Tony smiles and nods in agreement before going back to work.

* * *

**A/N: **Beta by dri-dri93 and Kae ;)

Thank you for your lovely comments & hello to all new people here! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please share your thoughts and impressions and I will love you foreeever :)


	21. Long may you run part 11

**Long may you run (part 11)**

Later in the week there is a meeting at S.H.I.E.L.D. that Nate attends, about the response system, and when he's leaving, he finds himself confronted with a person wrapped with an honestly disturbing amount of leather.

'Just the person I wanted to speak with,' Fury says, sounding exactly as dry as always, and gives Nate an overdue greeting nod. 'Come with me.'

Tony follows mostly because he is curious what this is about, even though he's kind of itchy to tell Director that he doesn't really have time. And disappear. But that's Tony Stark.

'I've heard a good word or two about your work, Mister Rives,' Fury drawls as soon as he's seated behind his big wooden desk. Tony is kind of surprised there is something that doesn't consist of metal or plastic or glass on the whole ship. Tony moves his hand to start typing, but Fury stops him. 'Especially from Captain Rogers. He speaks very highly of your work so far, as do the teams you've been working with.'

Tony nods, hands still hovering over the tablet, but it seems like he doesn't need to reply anyhow.

'I want you to make an A.I. for my personal use.'

'_Won't the system we're working on enough_?_' _Tony types, frowning slightly_. 'It will have personalized profiles for all level seven and above users, as you know._'

'That means all those people will have access to it and _that_ means the risk of this system being hacked skyrockets.'

'_I can promise you that there won't be a way to hack the system,_' Tony types and observes Fury staring at the words. Well. Tony certainly could make the system impossible to hack all by himself, not to mention when he's collaborating with other really smart people – and JARVIS keeping tabs on all the work.

'And I believe you, Mister Rives, but being paranoid saved my life and this organization more times than I care to count,' Fury says, standing up, and paces slowly along the one-way transparent wall, with the whole Helicarrier's main working area behind his back. 'I want an A.I. only you and me will know about.'

'Not even deputy director Hill?' Tony asks because it seems like a valid question; JARVIS reads it out with Nate's official voice so that Fury doesn't have to glance at the tablet. It makes the Director raise an eyebrow.

'It shouldn't interest you but yes, not even her. Can you do that?'

'You want a full A.I.? Like the one at HQ?'

'I visited the Avengers HQ on a few occasions,' Fury says and Tony keeps himself from blinking, he didn't exactly know that, 'Mostly doing business with Agent Coulson. I had the pleasure of meeting an A.I. that kept calling me _Nick_.'

'That was Steve's request,' Tony types quickly, trying to keep his face straight and making a mental note to ask JARVIS to show him the footage.

'And so did Captain Rogers tell me. I think the stubbornness you coded into the entity is _adorable_.'

Judging by Fury's voice, adorable is the last thing he'd call Ijon, but it seems that he was kind of impressed with Tony's work, since he wants an A.I. for himself. Tony wants to do a Stark again and ask Director if he's ready for the responsibility of raising an artificial baby but ugh, he has more common sense than that.

'Can you do that?'

'I can.'

'Time frame?'

'I'm pretty busy,' Tony replies truthfully. 'How big do you need it to be?'

'How is that important?'

'The A.I. will have the same code base no matter the size and it will work exactly the same way, but I need to know what kind of servers you'll need. Operational power. Think the size of its body.'

'Just for my personal use – and I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to figure out what kind of operations I'll need it for –'

'Him. Need him or her. Or we could have a gender discussion, but – not it.'

Fury pauses, turning his head towards Tony slowly and it's almost frightening, and then he smiles. It's a flicker and Tony blinks and wonders if he's just imagined that, but he can swear the smile was there.

'Make it him. Name him. I hear that's a thing,' Fury says and there is a real hint of amusement to his voice. 'I don't have time for shit – time frame?'

'I'll have it ready sometime in February.'

'See that you do – go now. I've got a two o'clock.'

Tony nods and disappears without a goodbye; as soon as he's out of S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ's perimeter, he puts on his headphones and laughs.

'Congratulations, it'll be a boy,' he tells JARVIS who seems somehow amused with the concept but doesn't fail to remind Tony that he'll have to fit the code-writing into his schedule.

'Or we could make Ijon do it and we'd have a grandkid,' Tony comments cheerfully, swearing that JARVIS roll his eyes if he could.

* * *

The second week of radiation starts normally, with the now-usual dose of nausea and headache and bone-deep tiredness and Tony mostly stays on the sofa, alternating between working on his tablet and watching movies while being coddled by Happy and JARVIS.

Then everything goes south because Tony just can't have a normal week: JARVIS speaks up and his voice is enough to make Tony stand up on his lightly wobbly legs and head for the workshop.

'Miss Potts has been ambushed by a group of unknown people, they are headed out of New York City right now. She managed to contact S.H.I.E.L.D. with an emergency message before her cell phone's signal was lost. I picked it up, too, a moment ago. It might have been several minutes since the incident.'

_Coulson_, Tony thinks. The man contacted Pepper a few times after Tony came back from Afghanistan and wanted a debrief, so it must have been Coulson to let Pepper know about S.H.I.E.L.D. and all that stuff. Of course Pepper learned more from Tony, but it was months after she first met Phil. He must have insisted on Avengers being sent out for this call.

Luckily Pepper knows better than to have her only tracker in her phone: there is this tiniest ruby earring she's always wearing at the top of her earlobe, almost impossible to notice unless someone is looking for it, and JARVIS is tracking her movements and displaying them for Tony.

'Sir, I would strongly advise against going there by yourself – from the security footage I was able to recover it seems that there are not many of the men and while they are armed, they seem to be aiming for a ransom rather than anything else –'

'It's _Pepper _–'

'– and Avengers will be dispatched within three minutes –'

'They won't get there quicker than me, I'm not risking losing the signal, they don't even know where she is –'

'You could give S.H.I.E.L.D. the information –

'And how exactly would I explain having information about a personal tracker on the CEO of Stark Industries? If the info doesn't come from a trusted source they'll think it's a trap – wrap the suit, J. _Now_.'

JARVIS doesn't have any reply to that and does as he's told, getting the newest model ready to use in less than five seconds and a moment later Tony's in the air.

Then everything is easy: Iron Man arrives at the scene, incapacitates the seven kidnappers and makes sure they won't be going anywhere. They seem pretty scared at the sight of the local superhero. Pepper seems to be mostly unharmed and Tony frees her hands and she peels the tape of her mouth since Iron Man's fingers are not fit to do such delicate work – and just when Tony kneels in front of Pepper and asks her to verbalize if she's okay, shock still visible on her pale face, the rest of the team arrives at the scene. Eight minutes late.

It's Natasha, Steve and Clint; Tony completely understands the lack of the other members.

'You're a fool,' Pepper tells Iron Man in a shaky whisper, inaudible even to supersoldier's ears, and then adds, 'Thank you, that was – that was the quickest rescue I've seen.'

'How are you here so – you took care of them?' Clint asks, frowning at the sight around. Tony caught up with the kidnappers when they were hauling Pepper into some abandoned warehouse outside of the city – how cliché.

Tony's going to have words with Pepper about her security. Many, _many_ words.

'Was faster to fly here in the armor,' he says and asks JARVIS, 'Did they follow the truck's plate via city security cams?'

'It seems to, sir. I might have sped up the process a bit so that your arrival here would not be as suspicious as it could have been otherwise.'

'You, JARVIS, are an angel. Seriously. What did I do to deserve you?'

'You created me,' JARVIS replies smugly and Tony nods in agreement, turning his attention back to Steve who is now hovering over Pepper and wrapping a blanket around her shoulders and asking her to get on Quinjet so that they can take her back home.

Tony would love to take her himself and then shout at her and wrap his arms around her simultaneously, but that will have to wait. A debrief first.

Pepper gives him the tiniest nod that he returns and then the team in on the jet – another S.H.I.E.L.D. team has just arrived at the scene to secure it and investigate – and Iron Man makes his way towards the HQ.

Tony manages to lie his way thought the debriefing – they only talk with Phil who was declared fit for light duty, so no need to talk to Fury about this one – and Tony is pretty sure it's only because he has his face hidden behind en expressionless mask and his voice filtered through an artificial synthesizer.

'Can we talk for a moment?' Steve asks when everyone else leaves the room and Tony really wants to say _maybe not now_ because his headache is getting pretty bad and he just wants to see Pepper and then lie down and doze off, but maybe Steve will address that last time they talked and if yes than Tony doesn't want to miss this or put it off for later.

'Yes,' he adds verbally and Steve.

'I am glad you managed to get to Miss Potts before they did something to her,' Steve says, starting to walk across the room in even paces, not looking up at Iron Man. 'Agent Coulson told me about her – they talked a few times. He said she's an admirable person,' Steve adds, confirming Tony's theory. 'He said she worked for Mister Stark.'

'I believe she did,' Tony says, that feels like the right thing to say, but it feeling right doesn't make it all less surreal, especially with the ache pulsating in his temples that makes him slightly dizzy.

'Just – thank you, for being quicker than us. Better than us.'

'I wasn't better, I –'

'You were and it makes me happy,' Steve cuts in softly, stopping his packing suddenly, but he's still not looking at Tony. 'I hope things like that make the running worth all the sacrifices –'

'Steve, if it's about the last time we talked –'

'Uh,' Steve sighs, shifting a bit, 'I just wanted to –'

And Tony really wants to know what Steve wanted to do, to say, to whatever, but the rest of the sentence gets blanked out by a sudden buzz in Tony's ears and _oh god_ he's going to faint or throw up or something and he can't in the suit –

'J,' he manages to say and then feels JARVIS take control of the suit, he says something to Steve and then Tony feels his limbs moving in this strange way he practiced with JARVIS only a few times, not enough to be comfortable but enough to give in to the movements, and a few moments later – it feels like ages – he finds himself in a bathroom and hears a click of the electronic lock and then he takes his helmet off in one fluid movement and throws up; it's uncomfortable with his body clad in the battle armor and it makes his chest ache around the reactor and his head hurt even more, if that's even possible – but at least after a moment the nausea is gone and he can slump down on the floor with acidic taste in his mouth and his body suddenly relaxing and feeling like plasticine.

And, of course, Steve is right outside the door.

'Are you all right?' he asks and for a moment Tony doesn't know what to do because he can't reply in his own voice and the helmet it off, but JARVIS thinks for him and reassures Steve that Tony is okay speaking with Iron Man's voice through the bathroom speaker – thank heaven for people through enough to place emergency information system in the bathrooms.

'Are you sick? Do you need a doctor – is there anything you need?' Steve keeps asking and honestly, Tony is too tired to pay attention so he lets JARVIS reply for him as he fishes out his emergency set of pills and dry-swallows an antiemetic and a painkiller; now they just need a few minutes to kick in.

Tony spends the few minutes still sitting on the bathroom floor and almost managing not to wonder how ridiculous he must look, slumped on a fluffy bathroom rug in his tin suit, and how right JARVIS was about him sitting this one out. But – Pepper. He just couldn't.

The pulsating feeling in his temples remains but it's no longer almost-blinding and the nausea is mostly gone, so Tony decides he can make it home. It's not that easy for his vestibular system, to fly while feeling like this, but he has to manage.

Steve is waiting right outside the door when Tony walks out, suited up, and he has this terrible worrying face on him.

'I need to go,' Tony tells him in Iron Man's soft voice. 'I'm fine, but I need to go,' he says and walks towards the roof, with Steve following him silently, and then he takes off without explaining anything more.

Back at home, Happy notices something's wrong and shouts at Tony for maybe five seconds before falling silent, respecting Tony's need for calm, dark and _stable_ surroundings, and he tucks Tony in and leaves him to sleep and rest.

'Pepper will come by as soon as she can. She's all right, just worried 'bout you,' Happy tells Tony before closing the door and Tony nods weakly, his cheek brushing against the pillow, and he falls asleep a moment later.

* * *

Tony talks with Pepper the next morning, the news about the kidnapping attempt is all over the news and S.H.I.E.L.D. is still interrogating the men who managed to pull of the whole action. They are refusing to tell who hired them, JARVIS says, but that does mean someone hired them. Tony would very much like _not_ to think Stane, but he can't stop.

He won't know, though, unless Tony Stark makes a comeback and asks Stane personally. He's pretty sure if it was Stane, he would have someone else hire the men for him and therefore remain in the background, unnamed hand pulling the strings. And he _would_ boast to Tony Stark.

'It doesn't matter,' Pepper assures him.

Earlier Happy drove Tony to the clinic and then back and he didn't let Tony get out of bed after JARVIS told him what happened in detail and made Happy even more angry with how _incomprehensibly irresponsible_ going out as Iron Man was.

'What matters is that I had my favorite superhero rescue me,' Pepper adds and Tony cracks a small smile.

'Isn't that Cap?'

'I've never even met him before yesterday's fifteen minutes,' Pepper reminds him, stroking his bald head – it still feels so, so strange – as if he was a primary school kid sick in bed. 'But I have to admit, he _is_ pretty gallant.'

'I guess he is,' Tony agrees and then lets Pepper help him with his broth; he knows better than to try to argue with her.

* * *

By Friday Tony is feeling well enough and he wants to drop by HQ and apologize to Steve for storming out like he did, but JARVIS refuses to get the suit for him.

'You will be at HQ tomorrow, sir, it is December 1st which means the monthly meeting and sparring session in which you will _not_ be taking part.'

'I can't do that –'

'I just said that, sir,' JARVIS replies innocently and Tony exhales slowly, trying not to look annoyed.

'We've got to train – I don't know for how long Thor will be around and we need to get the whole team act together.'

'You were doing very well the last time –'

'That's exactly it, so we need to train to keep it up –'

'Sir, I am just worried that you will not feel physically fit for such a strenuous activity right after you finish this course of radiotherapy –'

'I know what you mean, J,' Tony snaps, and then hangs his head and massages his temples with slow circular motions, that helps him relax. 'Sorry, baby. I'm fine. I'm feeling as well as I can. I'm just – I don't want to slack off, all right? Or let them down.'

'You would never do that.'

'It feels like I would,' Tony argues, but JARVIS always ends up being right because he has so much more common sense. 'Let's not talk about this now – okay, so you won't let me go visit Steve today. What do we have to do instead?'

'Well, you can always try crossing off another line from your do-now list, sir.'

'Well, tell me something I don't know,' Tony replies, raising an eyebrow at JARVIS, and looks at the list displayed insanely on his tablet. 'Let's have some fun,' he says, tapping at the line that says _furious baby_, Tony insisted to JARVIS' dismay, and they start to work on the code because there isn't that much time left to get the job done.

* * *

The Avengers meeting goes exactly as usual, the team is presented with a mission and Tony brings up some arms trafficking JARVIS has picked up a few days ago and Iron Man gets his own op, too, and then they talk about the previous month's activities and all the plans for the future. Thor doesn't know when he'll be going back to Asgard, but probably _in the near future_, although no one know what that means in Thor's case.

Tony even does the sparring, having persuaded JARVIS not to be overprotective, though he stays out of the most heated parts of the mock-fight between Hulk and Thor that doesn't look anyhow like a mock-fight, and he takes it easy to make JARVIS and the rest of the mother hens happy.

Afterwards, Spider Man waves him a happy goodbye before disappearing with Clint and Phil in the media room, followed by the rest of the team, and – almost a tradition now – Tony ends up alone with Steve.

'I'm glad you're being responsible,' Steve says, giving Iron Man a smallest smile.

'As in?'

'Not pushing the training. You're really good as is and we're coming together perfectly as a team.'

'… Thank you,' Tony says, not exactly sure what to do. Steve is standing a few feet from him but is still staring at his feet and behind Tony's head most of the time, and it all just feels strange.

'I know I asked you this about million times by now, but are you okay?'

'I am –'

'Because I've got to admit that I was surprised when you rushed off like that – worried. And then I thought you'd run away from HQ but you locked yourself in a bathroom and I thought about – safety, pulling footage, but you know, Ijon told me, as if he was reading my mind, that there are protocols preventing anyone from using him to uncover a secret identity of someone else,' Steve says with this soft frown between his eyebrows. 'I didn't know that. I didn't – I didn't even think about that.'

'Nate added it himself, I'm sure,' Tony replies, telling Steve the honest truth. Nate and Iron Man do know each other, vaguely at least, as far as S.H.I.E.L.D. knows, so it's okay. 'It's something he would do.'

'I'm glad,' Steve says even though he doesn't exactly sound like that. 'About the other night –'

'We don't have to talk if you don't want to –'

'I just wanted to ask if you'd fancy a roof meeting – we haven't done one in a few weeks –'

'Won't it be too cold for you?' Tony asks, genuinely curious about supersoldier's body. Scientific interest.

'It's okay if I dress properly,' Steve assures him and Tony nods. 'I just want to grab some food,' Steve says sheepishly and Tony nods again and follows Steve into the kitchen.

When they are on the roof, Steve has this sad face again.

'Why the long face?' Tony asks after a few long minutes of silence; Steve usually isn't the one to keep quiet.

'I'm – it's been almost eight months since I… woke up,' Steve says, shrugging slightly under the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. 'And it doesn't get easier. I thought it would, it was naïve, but I thought it would. You've taught me so much and I still know nothing and I don't feel like this is any closer to being home –'

'Steve,' Tony cuts in, leaning forward and putting his metal hand over Steve's, knowing that Cap will appreciate that even though it must feel freezing cold. 'You're doing better than anyone expected –'

'It's not enough,' Steve says firmly.

Tony laughs because he is so fucking familiar with the feeling of _not doing enough_.

'It'll never feel like enough,' he tells Steve, JARVIS doing a perfect job with Iron Man's voice. 'It never feels like enough. There are always _buts_ and second thought and wishes, you just – you just feel it more strongly because everyone expects you to be perfect in all possible ways just because sometimes you're a hero. You need to teach yourself to slow down and ignore everyone, including a voice in your head, who tells you it's not enough.'

'Why can't you believe in those words yourself, sir?' JARVIS' quiet voice says into Tony's ear and he shakes his head, leaving that argument for another time.

'Everything still feels strange, even the things I hold in my hands every day. I know how to make everything work, but it's strange.'

'Thor said the same,' Tony says, deciding in a fraction of a second that hey, he can do this. For Steve.

'Thor? You talked with Thor?'

'We had a few words. You know, in that cave, we were by ourselves for a few good hours…' Tony adds, that's not the whole truth, but it's not a complete lie. 'You should talk to him. Maybe he would understand things better than I do because everything is different angle with me.'

'Thor is a great man,' Steve says, his eyes thoughtful. 'But he does seem a little bit… overbearing?'

'He's actually much more than he lets on,' Tony assures Steve. If he can't help – he's been trying, right, he really has – then he's sure Thor will understand Steve better.

'Yeah, okay, I'll do that while he's still here.'

'Good,' Iron Man declares and pulls away. 'Now, eat those fries, I'm sure they are completely cold already.'

Steve takes one and munches on it for a moment before smiling at Tony weakly and taking another one.

* * *

Sunday after lunch, Tony gets a message from Spider Man via Avengers contact email and asks if he could come over and play with Nate's toys for a bit. Tony texts him _meet me there at 2_ and proceeds to eat his lunch with Pepper; when they are done with gossip and SI business and exchanging _are you okay_, Tony takes one of his cars and drives through the empty streets. The city look surreal, almost black and white, the only color standing out being red of car's braking lights. It's only the middle of the day but heavy cloud are hanging low and making the space look small, almost claustrophobically cozy, and block out any sunlight that might be trying to get through the greyness.

Sometimes when Tony is busy with things, it's easy to forget why he loves this city so much – all cities. They have something unspeakable to them. Just like the poem goes: _Holy the solitudes of skyscrapers and pavements! Holy the cafeterias filled with the millions! Holy the mysterious rivers of tears under the streets!_

He is so lucky to be here, in this special place, even now despite preferring the city in spring or autumn, sometimes in summer when it's not too hot and stuffy with scents of dirt and gasoline. Winter feels detached and it makes him feel like hiding in a blanket nest and not getting out at all, though he's never had that particular luxury.

Huh. Mental note: maybe it's time to try, there always has to be a first time.

Peter is waiting by the workshop entrance – it looks like a boring brick house from the outside – and greets Tony enthusiastically as soon as he sees him. Or Nate.

They play in the 'shop for a few hours and Tony promises Peter that they can meet a few times a month and brainstorm; Tony loves to see the younger man working, it only assures Tony Stark's dreams about having Peter work for SI. He is mouthy and a bit sloppy sometimes, and funny, he's a complete geek and not hiding it, too – but he's smart. Tony likes that combination.

'I'll see you on Tuesday,' Peter says before adding a _goodbye_ and sneaking out of the workshop after nine p.m. Tuesday is the team mission, somewhere in Arizona, fortunately not involving aliens this time, just regular national security problems. It's planned for two days, with a regular S.H.I.E.L.D. mission plus Clint and Natasha already on site doing recon, and then Tony will have two days to get ready for his solo in Japan, of all places. At least he can shed the suit and have some good sushi, he was in Japan at least once a month as Tony Stark and that's one of the few luxuries he still misses.

* * *

The team mission is easy – for Avengers – and luckily involves no causalities and no civilians involved as the whole deal take place in the middle of a desert. Tony would do without more deserts than he's already had the pleasure to visit in his life, but it's not like he has a say in this matter.

When they are going back, Iron Man gets on the jet with the rest of the team plus Coulson to get the debriefing done and let everyone get rest as soon as they are back in New York; when they all are done with their oral reports and Clint opens his usual snacks, tossing an additional bag of Cheerios at Spider Man, he gives Natasha a quick look – she nods slightly – and then he turns towards Iron Man.

'If you don't have any plans for Christmas, we're having this theme party on 25th,' he says, voice muffled by the chips he's putting into his mouth.

'I'm sorry but I do have plans,' Tony replies politely, looking at Steve's reaction from behind the faceplate, but Steve doesn't seem to be actively listening.

'Well, sure,' Clint nods and pushes the bag towards Natasha, who wrinkles her nose slightly but does fish a few curly chips out.

'No offence, but it'd suck for you anyway, _Man of Iron_, since you wouldn't be able to eat the turkey and stuffing and all that,' Spider Man adds and Tony can clearly hear the amused mocking in the other man's voice. Luckily no one hears his sigh.

'Maybe another time,' Tony adds, knowing perfectly well that him be active on the team the next year is almost impossible – if he lives to the next Christmas. That's not so obvious.

'Okay,' Clint nods again and goes back to focusing on his food, on the rare event of having someone else fly the jet for the team.

* * *

Nate is in S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ giving Fury a two-sentence update on the A.I. before the Director rushes out somewhere and Nate goes to the meeting with his team. When he finally leaves the room and is headed for the exit, he meets Bruce. It's probably not a coincidence, not that it matters.

'Hey, Nate.'

'_Hello_,' Tony signs, smiling.

'I'm consulting on something,' Bruce says, explaining himself even though they both know it's not necessary. 'I, uh, wanted to see how you're doing?'

'_I'm fine_,' Tony signs, knowing that Bruce knows those signs, too. Bruce frowns, nods in understanding, and then quickly eyes Nate head to toe.

'We were just wondering – the team – if you have nothing better to do, we're having a Christmas celebration at HQ. You could come. I know you have your own affairs, but I want to ask. In case.'

'_I'm sorry_,' Tony signs, '_I have something organized already_,' he adds, typing quickly. '_Thank you for thinking about me_.'

'Yeah. Sure. I don't know if I'll see you anytime soon, so, you know – Merry Christmas in advance.'

'_Merry Christmas_,' Tony types and then signs, '_Goodbye_.'

Bruce signs back, makes one more of those shy self-conscious smiles of his, and disappears at the next turn.

Tony doesn't really have any specific plans for the rest of the day, so he puts on his earphones and talks with JARVIS for the next three hours, as if he was normally chatting with someone over the phone, as he chooses gifts for all the Riverside kids, picking out a present for each of them separately, as personalized as Tony can think of.

Other than the kids, he doesn't need many more gifts. Just one.

* * *

Tony's solo mission – as easy and simple as arms smuggling gets, Tony wonders if it's holiday luck with all the almost pleasant ops – is on weekend so he misses being in New York in time for the annual Stark International Christmas Ball, spending his time somewhere on Okinawa instead, and on Sunday there is another event that Pepper attends – and, apparently, wins some kind of a prize for the Woman of the Year, for all the work she did on keeping Stark International afloat, especially at the beginning of the year when Tony disappeared, and then during the attack and the rebuilding of the city, she really deserves it more than anyone else. It would have been impossible if not for Stane's confession and clearing Tony's name, and, in consequence, proving her trustworthiness.

After Tony has slept enough to get the heavy feeling out of his bones, he eats lunch with Pepper in his workshop – closer to SI tower – and congratulates her with a kiss and a hug and Pepper calls him _silly_ and laughs at him mirthfully.

'So, have you bought yourself a special award cabinet yet?'

'Tony, don't be silly –'

'You know I'm clinically incapable of _not_ being silly,' he cuts in, looking at her over his perfect French baguette sandwich. 'Also, don't bother, I'll have Dummy make you one for Christmas. He likes shelves and screws.'

'Of course he does,' Pepper sighs and resumes eating while JARVIS plays them a season-themed episode of some medial drama Pepper likes a lot and Tony can't remember the name of.

* * *

There is a team meeting on Sunday 16th, still with Thor but without an official team sparring session. They talk about the missions and plans for the next year, leaving summing up 2012 for the first meeting in January, and before Tony realizes they all get up and start leaving the room. Tony is sure Steve wants to talk to him from the looks he's been shooting Tony during the meeting, but it's Thor who comes up to him first and asks Iron Man to follow him to his _quarters._

'Of course, Thor,' Tony agrees and gives Steve, the last one to leave the conference room, a long look meaning _I'll see you afterwards_, pretty sure that Steve gets it.

'I will be leaving for Asgard the day after tomorrow and I know not when I will come back to visit you, although I surely desire to come back as soon as duty allows me. I want to thank you, friend, for showing me all the beautiful things I was able to see in your own home. It was an exceptional experience.'

'I'm glad we could talk about all those things – I learned a lot, too,' Tony replies, smiling behind the faceplate, and thinks about the enthusiastic stories Thor told him in his loud voice.

'I wanted to thank you for suggesting Captain to come and talk with me,' Thor adds, his voice a bit serious now, though he hardly ever seems perfectly serious; maybe it's just the positive energy he's constantly radiating. 'I know that I do not seem to be an introspective person to you, given my atypical demeanor and my lack of knowledge of this realm. It makes me happy to know you managed to see beyond the impression and share that with Captain.'

'So you did have some bonding time with Steve?'

'I merely explained him how we Asgardians deal with the knowledge of all nine realms, each of them differing greatly from ours, and with the exploration of them. It is like being born anew, every time we find ourselves out of our familiar time and space.'

'I'm really glad you're here for Steve.'

'It was my pleasure to help Steven,' Thor declares, nodding slightly, and then he meets Tony's eyes. 'I do not know the traditions of your festivities, but I wish you a happy time until we see each other again.'

'And you too, Thor,' Tony replies and stretches out his gloved hand. Thor shakes it firmly and then gives Tony one of his blinding smiles.

'Go, Iron Man. Captain is waiting for you. And –' he makes a short pause, as if he was hesitating, 'Please do take care of your health, friend.'

Tony swallows, his throat suddenly dry, and he nods before disappearing in to the corridor. There comes the question of exactly how much can Thor _feel_ about the people who surround him. Tony still doesn't feel brave enough to ask.

He finds Steve in an empty media room, now completely silent and cozy.

'Hey.'

'Hey,' Tony replies, stopping a few steps in front of Steve. 'You were looking at me all the time during the meeting. What's on your mind?'

'I –' Steve starts, but he stumbles and doesn't seem able to choke out anything more.

'Steve. Please,' Tony says, wondering how on earth he landed himself in this kind of a situation, with half-panicking Captain America at arm's reach.

'Okay, this is silly and sudden and I shouldn't – I want to ask –' he trails off again, but then takes a deep breath and continues. 'This is surreal and I'm so clumsy – I'm terrible at this – Peggy told me just that –'

'Steve, just stop this and ask me like you'd ask, okay?' Tony cuts in, pretty sure that Steve isn't going anywhere with his nervousness. There is a moment of thick silence.

'Can we be more than friends?' Steve asks and the words are so quick and jumbled together that Tony can barely make them out – but he manages to and _wow_. That's unexpected.

Then Tony realizes what Steve has just said and freezes.

'Steve?'

'Iron Man?'

'I – I don't know what to tell you,' Tony says honestly, wishing he could get a drink. Or ten, or anything. 'It's kind of unexpected –'

'I know, all right?' Steve asks, laughing drily. 'I know, I'm just –I've been thinking – you did tell me you like me a lot and I assumed – and I do too and it seemed –'

'You'd like to be – what would it even be?' Tony asks, perfectly remembering telling Steve that he liked him a lot. It was a good few weeks ago though… 'Boyfriends? Partners? You want to be that and you don't even know how my face looks, you don't even know my name –'

'It seems to me that I know the man you are,' Steve cuts in and it's more firm this time. 'The rest, it's irrelevant, it's just… packaging.'

Granted, Steve Rogers before and after the serum, before and after becoming superhero, it's the very same person with the same principles, the same dreams, the same morals, the same abilities.

But the person that is inside Iron Man suit isn't Tony, right? It's Nate. And that makes things a tad more complicated.

Tony doesn't really do complicated emotional things on spot too well, so instead of thinking about something more important, he wonders _why_ would Steve even want such a relationship with someone that is basically a walking talking tin can.

'If you have some kind of a weird futuristic technological fantasies I think I can always lend you the suit,' Tony says, knowing perfectly well that it's a wrong thing to say, and Steve makes this disbelieving and kind of frightened face and Tony already wants to beat himself up for putting such sentence into _Iron Man's _mouth– but Steve bursts out laughing.

Tony blinks behind the faceplate.

'You're so silly,' Steve manages to say between bouts of laughter and Tony stares, bewildered, and ignored this tiny voice in his head telling him that if that's Steve's reaction, maybe he and Stark wouldn't hate each other so much. It's all just too surreal.

'No, it's just –' he tries to protest, but Steve doesn't let him.

'I don't want a physical relationship with your _suit_,' he says, now completely serious. 'I want Iron Man, not the armor.'

'That's –' Tony starts, but he doesn't really know what to say. He'd _never_ expect Steve, of all people, to say any of those things. To say _want_. To wanta _man_. Congratulations to Steve for making Tony Stark speechless. 'That's – I don't –'

'It's all right if you don't want,' Steve says quickly, blushing slightly, for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. 'I guess I was just too bold, it's silly – ignore this, maybe we can ignore this?'

'No – what would be different?' Tony asks, voicing his thoughts. 'You don't want techno-sex, you don't even want my name, you don't seem to really want anything other than now… Do you want me to be around more? Because I could be around more, if that's what you need, I guessed you knew that. So why want to take a step further if we'd still be exactly the same?'

'I don't know –'

'You do know, otherwise you wouldn't have asked.'

Steve mumbles something Tony can't quote make out.

'Steve?'

'… I'd know, I guess, I'd know something is different between us. I'd know that even if we don't take it anyhow further, you really like me. That me and you, we're different from the others. It'd just be like – having a sense of belonging. But it's selfish and presumptuous of me –'

'No, Steve, that's – that's not it. I don't want to – if we take a step further, I can't lie to you,' Tony tells him, putting his armored hand on Steve's shoulder and wondering if Cap tensed under his touch. 'And I can't tell you the truth yet.'

'I get it,' Steve says in this quiet voice Tony hates. 'I really do.'

'I'm sorry,' Tony says softly. He knows he shouldn't feel bad and that Steve is already beating himself up mentally for this, but he really wishes he could do something more for Steve. Steve is – he really deserves to have someone.

Tony just can't be this person, given his – situation. Situations.

But it makes him _completely_ bewildered to find himself thinking that maybe he'd like to be.

'Well, anyway, I've got something for you,' Steve says, his voice a bit more self-assured now, as if he dismissed what's just happened. 'Here,' he puts a nice burgundy box into Tony's hand and Tony has a peek inside, it's clumsy with Iron Man's hands – the box if filled with what must be like a pound of cookies.

'Thank you –' he says, JARVIS making his voice as warm as it really is.

'Made them myself. I hope you're like them,' Steve says, now smiling a little bit more, and Tony lets himself think that maybe it'll be all right. Even if he – _can't._

'I've got something for you, too. Little thing,' Tony says and takes a tiny envelope out of one of his many _pockets_. 'Here.'

Steve takes the envelope and opens it, letting the few items fall onto his open palm – and then he smiles widely, everything else forgotten.

'I know you still miss them so much,' Tony explains, pointing at the original Howling Commandos trading cards from 40s. 'It's just a memory thing, but I thought – I hoped you'd like it.'

'It's perfect,' Steve says, fixing his bright eyes on Iron Man's faceplate. 'You know exactly what I need – you're an amazing person, Iron Man.'

'Don't exaggerate,' Tony laughs, but he knows Steve doesn't think he's exaggerating. 'I will – I will see you in a few weeks. January 6th, our first meeting of 2013, right?'

'Yes, of course –'

'… I will think about what you said,' Tony adds, absentmindedly twirling his mechanical fingers around the ribbon tied around the box.

'No, you don't have –' Steve starts, but Tony shakes his head and Steve goes quiet. Tony gets to Steve in a few steps and it's him to wrap his hand's fingers around Steve's this time.

'I will. I will think about it,' Tony swears, knowing that he'll have a hard time _not_ thinking about it; then he lets go off Steve's hand and adds, before disappearing, 'Merry Christmas.'

He comes back home feeling confused and trying to wrap his head around the whole situation, all this identity crisis thing and the superhero stuff messing up with their heads – and Steve being so lonely, looking for something to hold on to – and Tony doesn't really know what to say.

There are a few weeks before he has to say anything, though, so he lets himself push this problem to the back of his mind for now and concentrate on getting ready for the holiday trip to Malibu. Since it might be Tony's last Christmas – no one says that aloud, but the words hand in the air, unspoken – he is determined to make it worthwhile.

* * *

On the last Saturday before Christmas Tony goes to Riverside and gives all the kids their gifts – they don't believe in Santa anyway – asking them to come up on by one and never mixing a single name, making them laugh at realization that he's been playing with them all this time. In return, he gets another box of Christmas cards and back in the apartment he takes them out of envelopes, one by one, just like last year; this time the wishes and all the words inside are more personal, since the kid know him.

He has JARVIS play his some holiday music – nothing too annoying – and tears up just a little bit when he thinks of the last year: last year he came back home a day after being told he has a tumor inside him that's killing him.

This time, it's a year later and Tony dares to think that it was well spent year.

Not perfect, but he has to settle for what he can make real, just like he told Steve.

The radiation has been postponed a week due to everyone leaving for the holidays, so Tony is feeling well when the next morning he leaves for Malibu with Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Doc and Scott. With his best friends with him, he is determined to turn this time into a great memory.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks to dri-dri93 & Kae for beta!

This is the last part of Long may you run. It was the longest part so far and an amazing adventure, thank you for all your amazing support! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think! :)

Next to come:_ I have been freed (of everything)_ - January 2013 - featuring more of the usual mess as well as a few intense dialogues and a monologue.


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